oftruncheons
âiâm not tiptoeing.â jyn sneered at his sentiment, shaking her head in disbelief. for someone who was so willing to take the blame for things, someone so willing to take the burden and to find fault in his actions, he wasnât taking the fall for this one. no, she was the one who was tiptoeing, and in his mind, it was her alone. turning away from him, she pressed her hand flat onto the wall and dug her nails into the metal. anger was bubbling up inside of her. she wanted to snap at him, wanted to yell, but she knew that it would only make the situation worse. instead, she suppressed it. instead of punching the wall like she really wanted to, she curled her hand against the metal, trying to dig her fingers into it, and took a deep, calming breath. if she were strong enough, if she were better, sheâd be able to push this down, deep inside of her and lock it in the cave of her mind. now was not the time for anger. it would only make things worse between them. she tipped her head forward, until her forehead touched the wall, and closed her eyes. âwe donât talk anymore,â she replied quietly, her voice barely a rasp, barely heard against the gentle thrum of the ship and the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears. âand when we do, itâs small talk. we donâtââdonât touch each other and it feels like weâre strangers and itâs so hard.â it was so kriffing hard, but she had no idea how to act any differently, not after what had happened. the memory brought bile rising in her throat, burning and sour, and she swallowed it down before she spoke again. âit never used to be this way, and we both know why it is now, so we need toââneed to stop worrying that weâre going to break each other and just have a kriffing conversation about this!âÂ
the last part left her chest heaving, palms slapping on the wall, and she whirled around to face him, eyes wide and wild. it took her a few seconds to calm herself down, clenching her hands into fists and fingers digging into her palms until the pain took the hurt away. when she calmed, unfurled her hands, the warm feeling of blood dripped down her hands.Â
not much, but enough. enough to get her to focus, enough to drain the fight completely out of her. jyn took a step back, then another and another and another, until her back hit the wall and she slumped down against it. her legs were sprawled out in front of her, and her hands sat uselessly in her lap. force, she was tiredââno, she was exhausted. mentally and physically, and, like cassian, she had no idea how they were going to fix this mess they had found themselves stuck in. âi donât want to leave,â she mumbled, tongue heavy in her mouth. that was the truth. she really didnât want to leave him, but if thatâs what he wanted? then perhaps it was for the best. sheâd realized a long time ago that she would do just about anything for him, even if that negatively impacted her own wellbeing. however, she so desperately wanted to believe that he didnât want her to go, that his words were true. that was the first step in fixing this: she had to start trusting and believing in him again, like she had before. and if she was going to do that, then she needed to be as honest as she could with him now, even if it hurt. (which it would, force, she knew that it would, but it was something she had to do.) âiâm scared,â she admitted softly, toying with her hands in her lap and not looking at him. âiâm scared to let myself get close to you again. i know thatââthat what happened hurtââus, and itâs not going to get better unless weâŚwe figure it out now. so thatâsââthatâs my piece. thatâs what i have to say.â she was stumbling over her words, just desperate to get them out and into the air. âiâm scared to let you in again even thoughââeven though i know you wonât leave. leave again.â at least, that was what she kept telling herself.
despite everything that they had been through, despite the cause that they had caused one another, it was evident to cassian that jyn wanted this as desperately as he did. despite the resentment that she felt toward him and the fear that he would turn his back on her yet again, she was still here. admittedly, there wasnât anywhere for her to go, not really, but she could have stormed off to some far corner of the ship and spent the remainder of the flight secluded from him. she was still here, she was still fighting, so there was still a chance that this could work out. cassian felt his expression shift ever so slightly. there, upon his face, was that calculating look that heâd worn for the better part of his life. even before heâd had kaytoo around to calculate the odds of failure and risks, cassian had weighed his options. he took a breath, buying himself another moment before he answered. finally, cassian nodded. she was right, it was as simple as that. he couldnât deny it, couldnât pretend as though everything was normal, if they were to overcome this then cassian would have to speak the truth. âno,â he agreed, âwe donât talk.â they didnât touch and they didnât even look at one another they way that they used to. jyn was right, they were both far too careful around one another, afraid that they both might say something that would make the other run. she was right, he thought, he had been tiptoeing around her. cassian shook his head slightly, his gaze shifting away from her. âand what are we supposed to say? i left and you resent me for leaving. words canât change anything.â ultimately, it was up to jyn to decide whether or not to trust him. âi can promise you that i wonât leave again, but you wonât believe me.â a pause, a flash of desperation. âi donât know what to say.â he hissed at last. nothing would fix this, or so it seemed, so he kept her at a distance. at least this way, if she left, he would have already started to close himself off from her. maybe, heâd hoped, maybe it wouldnât be so bad.Â
such hopes, however, were foolish. cassian had not forgotten the way that his heart lurched when jyn turned away from him and he could feel his reaction when she whipped around to face him. confusion transformed to his spy face, and he tried to prepare himself for whatever words jyn would hurl at him.Â
but there was nothing. heâd expected that wild-eyed look to come with nasty words that sheâd never be able to take back, to come with a resolution to ditch him on fest, but sheâd done quite the opposite. as she spoke her truth, that she didnât want to leave, cassian felt himself relax ever so slightly. jynâs posture had shifted entirely. she appeared exhausted now, her back to the wall behind her, and at once he found himself worrying for her. frustrated and hurt and miserable as he was, he was still worried for jynâs wellbeing. cassian shifted forward in his seat, wanting to reach out to her or comfort her, but he thought better of it. â... you alright?â he asked quietly. this was not the time for such questions, he understood that. they were in the midst of an important discussion, but cassian needed to know that she was alright. as if sheâd tell him the truth. cassian very nearly laughed aloud. her stamina wasnât what it used to be, but he found himself wondering whether this was some resurgence of the virus or whether this was just exhaustion. even as she spoke, as she told him what she felt, his focus shifted only slightly. it was easier to deal with physical ailments, he was accustomed to dealing with illness and injury, but words were so much harder. especially when they brought pain. when jyn told him that she was scared, that she didnât trust him to stay by her side, cassian felt hurt radiating from his chest outward. he sighed softly, trying to retrain his attention. she needed him to say something, to say the right words, but he wasnât sure what those words were. âi wonât leave,â he murmured, but he knew those words were lost on her. âi didnât want to leave the first time, jyn. but i...â whatever his reason, promise or not, he knew that it wouldnât excuse him. âiâm trying to make this right, iâm bringing you back to fest, but i donât know else what to do.â cassian confessed. "iâm trying.â but trying simply wasnât enough. âwhat do you need?â











