傷心

yoshikawa aki / musings / visuals  / jukebox.

maxxie moon / musings  / visuals / jukebox.

Eun Jae briefly pressed his lips together, a bit taken aback by the lack of a response from the other male. Though he supposed this maybe wasn’t a moment where he was meant to share all of his Pomeranian knowledge, even if he was just mostly trying to fill the silence. “Oh, I would really love to work there, but I really like my current job too and I don’t have time to have two, ‘cause I also gotta go to school and study and stuff.” He explained with a small shrug. “I study medicine, but not for animals, but I work at the bakery at the mall.” He then happily rambled on. “I do really love dogs and cats and… kinda all animals? But Hwannie would get jealous if I smell like other animals every day, you know?” 

While he visited the pet store for Hwan’s vet appointments, he forced himself to avoid the place whenever he was alone, not wanting to get tempted to adopt any more pets. And that temptation was very strong. “I’m Eun Jae by the way,” He then provided, with what he hoped was an encouraging smile, even though he didn’t expect the other to look at him. “And that’s Hwan, but you already knew that.”

Thick dark eyebrows raised slightly, once more taken aback by the ready openness with which the stranger seemed to carry himself. After all, they had just met - in a dark and dimly lit park of all places, in a town that had been plagued with recent horrors and tragedies. Natural selection would not have been kind to this person. “Mhm,” He acknowledged, dragging the sounds out. It was difficult to imagine someone so naïve and unassuming surviving a field as unforgiving as medicine. “I don’t know. I haven’t had a dog since I was a kid.”

Animals tended not to like him very much, no matter how much he liked them. It wasn’t a consistent thing, nor something he had actually experienced much of himself. He had heard enough stories from when he was growing up and his episodes were something his parents hadn’t understood at the time, still didn’t quite understand, to know that it was a thing, at the very least.

His eyes did pan over once more at the mention of the name. “I’m Maxxie,” He offered, mainly because it made no difference to him whether they exchanged names or not. Even if their paths crossed again since it was a small town, he had no intention of ever speaking to him again. “And yeah, I haven’t forgotten your dog’s name yet.”

“Yeah I like to call it being a controlled genius. Or maybe a selective genius, that might work better. An exorcism would be pretty exciting. If it happens make sure I get an invite to that, yeah? I’ve always wanted to do one.” He wiggled his eyebrows as he said it and pretended to shake his body for a bit before laughing. “I’m as good as anyone. Alive with the light of the lord,” he said loudly just to make Noa laugh and to make the adults think they were actually talking about church. “Nah I’m cool. Just working and minding my business. Trying to plan a housewarming that doesn’t turn into a full on party but I just have party guy tendencies so that’s harder than you would think. I’m actually getting out of here in like ten minutes. I told my mom I had a limit on how many times I could have all these tias asking me when I’m going to get married. Like I never think about that shit until I’m here. They do know i’m not even 30 yet, right? Which you know means i’m basically an old hag at this point but,” he shrugged and finished off his food. “You need a ride somewhere? I’m happy to be your escape plan today if you need it.”

A snort escaped her, her eyes darting to the side as she considered the two options for a split second. “Selective genius definitely works better. But you know, even broken clocks are right twice a day.” Although she had spoken lightly about exorcisms, that was because her knowledge of them began and ended with horror movies. “Sure. I’ll tell them to save you a seat up front, Reyes; just don’t get scared, okay?”

It was difficult to keep the alarm off his features at the high level of concern the small girl was showing. From all their conversation surrounding the subject, Jiwon had assumed that she and Hoseok were more acquaintances than friends, but the empathy in her expression was clear as day. “Oh, he’s… just about as okay as you could expect him to be. He’s really protective over the people he loves, you know? And Duckie’s always been the tough one, so I think that makes it even harder on him.” He sighed as he thought about it. “Um, they’re eating hospital food, so depends on how well you think that is. It’s better than Hoseok’s cooking, if it makes you feel better.”

Guilt crossed his features as he saw how overwhelmed Aki seemed to be with the information. It was apparent that she genuinely felt concerned over what happened and since he was unable to offer her any reprieve or solace, he felt bad for sharing at all. It might have been better to be more vague about Hoseok’s whereabouts. He just wasn’t sure anyone who knew his friend well would believe he was just ‘out about the town.’ 

Attempting to lighten the mood, he tried to fixate on the bunny instead. “Tsuki, is it? That’s a really cute name. I honestly didn’t even realise he had one. We can try to find him together, if you want. He doesn’t really like coming to me though, fair warning.”

The boy’s confusion was lost on her, not really focusing in on the alarm in his expression. Her shoulders sagged even further at the response she received. She had no siblings, but she could only imagine how devastating it must be to have a loved one go through something so terrible and feel powerless to fix it. Her lips pressed into a thin line, eyes lowering to the floor. “That’s horrible,” She murmured sadly, reaching down to hook her fingers into the hem of her sweater, twisting the fabric anxiously. Maybe she could make something as an expression of her sympathy. Food? Would she be allowed to bring food? 

And if food wasn’t allowed for whatever reason, what options did she have? She would probably have to bring food for the brother as well and she didn’t have any idea what Duckie was like, let alone what they might like eating. Was it time to invest in a safe, American cookbook? 

A ... meatloaf?

Oblivious to her anxiety, Hoseok happily drank his soup, surprised at how many memories the taste brought back of his earlier years of living with his biological parents. It was strange to be teleported back after all these years, to moments he hadn’t thought about in a long time. Thinking back to those innocent moments with his parents, his themed birthday parties that his mother happily and carefully put together to enable his nerdiness, the one day in the year where he felt the happiest. While he had always felt weird and uncomfortable under lots of attention, he also enjoyed the presents and food associated. He was a big cake person after all.

The change of subject to Aki’s bunny was still a welcome one, pulling him out of his melancholic state. Life had seemed much easier then. Not nearly as stressful as the current circumstances. “Metal?” He echoed, surprised to hear the term in association with a rabbit. “I’ve never heard of the poem, actually.” It was slightly embarrassing to admit he didn’t understand a literature reference, but even someone who worked in a bookstore could miss out on things, right? While he wanted to ask who ‘Dai-chan’ was, he kept the question to himself, not wanting to seem too nosy or perhaps touch on a sensitive topic. For all he knew, it could be someone she had cared for and lost. Which made him realize that despite the girl’s tendency to ramble, he actually did not know that much about her.

“I like metal. Music, I mean.” He offered, hoping he wasn’t making a mistake by sort of changing the subject. Surely the admission wouldn’t come as a surprise, considering his attire. “Do rabbits have a music preference? I haven’t let ours listen to my music, because his ears are big and I didn’t want to hurt them. He also ran away from Jiwonnie for a long time.” His best friend being rather… loud sometimes remained unspoken. “I guess he likes me because he likes calm people. Maybe?” The most he had done was gone to pet rabbits at the pet store, but he knew nothing about them. At least he had Aki there to provide him with the correct food, because he would have been clueless otherwise. “I didn’t know that rabbits can purr like cats, but he did that the other day.” He then added with a soft smile.

“Mm, metal,” She confirmed with a nod, her cheeks tinting a rosy pink. “I’m really into it, but I don’t think Gigi is a metal kinda girl, she’s more like...Kylie Minogue, you know? I think that’s more her vibe.” Had she been in different company, she might have felt self conscious speaking about her bunnies like they were people with fully formed personalities. That might have been how she felt about them, but it had been her experience that most people did not consider bunnies to be as expressive and individualistic as cats or dogs. “That’s okay,” She said when Hoseok admitted to being unaware of the poem. “I wouldn’t have known it either if it weren’t for, you know.”

The smile on her face only increased in brightness when he said he also liked metal music. It was a welcome change of subject, since thinking of Daisuke was always a bittersweet thing. More bitter than sweet, usually. “Our bunny,” She echoed, her face flushing at how cute that sounded. The girl was not sure she had shared anything with another person and the fact she had found herself co-parenting a bunny with a friend was something she couldn’t have conjured up in her wildest imagination. “Our bunny doesn’t really like noise, does he? Sometimes when we’re all alone I sing for him. He doesn’t mind that so much.”

Her nose scrunched up a little as she giggled at the fact Jiwon was finding no success bonding with their rabbit. “I agree. I think he likes you because you have a similar vibe, teehee.” It was true. They both seemed timid and calm. Quietly curious and introverted. “Isn’t it so cute when they purr?” She said, sitting up a little more in her chair. “I feel like the sound of them being happy heals my heart. Gigi purrs a lot and Daisuke almost never does.”

               “yeah, i do think so.” he says as he nods his head, always one to either speak his mind and be truthful, or simply not say anything at all. “ah, i don’t really think that’s the best criticism.” he shakes his head this time, still truthful. “fantasy isn’t realistic, that’s exactly what the name implies, and that’s the thing a lot of readers love to find in good fantasy stories- the fantastical stories that are far from the real life you live here. the only thing that really matters is whether or not you’re able to establish lore within your unrealistic world that all works, you know? that’s what makes a good fantasy story good, if a writer is able to convince the readers of their world and the way everything works inside of it, no matter how different and unrealistic it may be.” he’s rambling, something that doesn’t happen often, but that does happen when he’s speaking on a topic he’s passionate about. 

               “i just had to give a good disclaimer; things can get dicey in the writing community.” he laughs, mostly joking as writers have a stereotype for being people who can do no harm, but also speaking a bit of truth as it can be intense when there are claims of stolen ideas or plagiarism. “it’s actually harder than a lot of people make it out to, writing, especially full length novels.” which explains why he’s been struggling so badly as of late. “i think life would be more fun as a reader, rather than a writer, anyway.” he chuckles, joking again, though aki’s words make him think that maybe it is more fun. “well i actually don’t have a story yet.” he sighs, the jokes over. “my brain just won’t budge, i can’t get it together. i think i’ve lost my muse.” he says this very casually, because while it can be a devastating thing, he believes he’ll bounce back from it soon. 

“exactly!” the girl agreed with an eager nod as he spoke about fantasy as a genre. it didn’t matter how fantastical or even impossible the premise seemed. written well enough, fantasy stories transported the reader into entire new worlds. for someone like aki, who had so little lived experience, at least as far as she remembered, being able to peek through lives outside her own gave a sense of escape. “this might be a difficult question. but what are some of your favourite books then?”

the girl wasn’t sure she knew enough about the writing community to comment, never having attempted to write anything herself, at least not seriously. there were always those ramblings of thoughts that when stitched together could be deemed a diary, but in reality were more of a stream of unhinged consciousness. barring those, aki knew very little about writing or writers. she thought it took a wonderful mind to be able to create an entire new universe with paper and ink. “i’m not very good at reading, but i try my best.” she said with a wide smile. “my friend reads a lot and he’s super smart, so i figure if i read enough books, maybe my brain would level up, too!” it was said with a giggle. “you’ll find a story idea and when you do you’re gonna write the best story ever. you can’t force these things. it has to come from the heart. i believe in you though!” 

bash wasn’t really a spiritual person either. not anymore, at least, though as much as he strayed from the beliefs he had been born into, and had been raised forced to believe, he hadn’t yet been able to shake the mindset that there was a higher power that dictated just about everything. though he had moved on from blaming god, now blaming the universe for things, he realised as she pointed out that what he had said came across as spiritual that there was still a long way to go on his journey of shaking his upbringing. not that there was anything wrong with a person who believed in something, in any sort of higher power, but that just wasn’t who bash was. no matter what either of their beliefs were, however, bash chuckled at aki’s disappointment in the placement of the book - not that it was funny that she was disappointed; he was only laughing at the way she so easily blamed the universe too.

he listened to her describe how much she enjoyed scary books. he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be the same, though he respected different people’s different tastes. “they’re not for me, i don’t like the feeling, of my heart pounding in my chest like that. guess i’m just a sensitive guy.” he laughed somewhat sheepishly at himself. he wasn’t ashamed to admit it, but it could be a little embarrassing to tell others sometimes. “oh, yeah, of course. sorry, i was gonna help you, i just wasn’t going to go ahead and hand it to you before i got the chance to warn you that it’s… it’s pretty grim. i haven’t read it myself, but one of the employees here told me about it, and even their brief description gave me the heebie jeebies.” with an extremely contrasting amount of ease, bash reached up and pulled the book from its spot. “you’re much braver than i am, here you go.” 

the petite girl nodded in understanding as the boy explained that he was not a fan of the adrenaline rush that scary stories could provide. although aki had always considered herself sensitive, too, crying easily and often falling into self-deprecating moods, she supposed in this case she really was not that sensitive. it was nice to find a realm in which she felt brave enough to handle it, even if it was within fictitious horrors. “that’s okay! everyone’s different,” aki reassured enthusiastically. “you’re not less brave ‘cause you don’t want to read a scary story. you’re probably just brave in other stuff.” 

she gratefully accepted the book, a wide smile on her face. “thank you so much!” she exclaimed, relieved that her woes were answered. a flush settled over her cheeks, before she admitted, “it was getting a little dire for me. i was worried that someone would walk by and see me struggling and think i’m such a loser, tee-hee. sometimes, people here are so tall. even young people! you might think i’m brave now, but put me in front of a tall fourteen year old and i crumble. they’re so intimidating. how tall are they going to be when they’re fully-grown? terrifying.”

“Dumpster fire? You know Noa, that may have been the most beautifully crafted compliment I’ve ever received. Really,” Alma replied with a growing grin. Noa being there was already helping. “Mmm, a couple of things, mostly family stuff. It’s just…stuff that won’t really get solved but still sucks, you know? The worst kind of stuff.” They shrugged it off, not sure they could handle thinking too much about it now. And they hated the idea of venting it all out right now. They were sure once they started they wouldn’t be able to stop. “Whichever one you want, maybe the scariest? I could do with a good dose of getting the shit scared out of me.” Alma was quick in setting up the snacks on the table and when they finally settled on the on the couch next to Noa, they covered them both with a blanket, resisting the urge to rest their head on Noa’s shoulder. They weren’t entirely sure how comfy the other would be with the affection. “You comfy enough? If I jump and grab your hand you gonna be okay?”

An amused smirk tugged at Noa's mouth. "You're so welcome, Alma." When Alma explained that it was family that was weighing on her, Noa nodded in understanding. Families had the power to make or break a person at any given moment. In the brunette’s case, family was a gnawing pain, an irritation. Like the summertime mosquito that made its presence known at night when one was trying to sleep. She was only grateful that her circumstances weren’t so dire that she had to give her family her constant attention, energy and time the way that Alma did. 

“Yeah, I get what you mean. It does suck, Alma, sorry.” Given the task of finding a movie for them both, a scary one at that, the girl’s gaze averted as she focused. It was difficult because it had been a while since she had found a movie scary. Many horror movies had a good mix of absurdity in them. “Have you seen the Stepfather?” She wondered out loud. “That one’s pretty creepy.” She folded up her legs under the blanket, getting comfy. “Sure, if you need to grab my hand you can go ahead. I’ll protect you from the big-bad movie.”

my characters don't really fall neatly into the binary of being a leader/follower. a lot of them beat to the sound of their own drum but are also not really engaged enough to lead others alongside them. i'll do my best though!