I Will Sing No Requiem..

She might not hate me, Evan thought to himself, but he wasn’t as easy to convince. The possibility of anyone seeing how messed up he was had always been terrifying, and then he’d only made himself into a worse person: a liar. He’d been working on that with Dr. Sherman before winding up here, but therapy wasn’t a quick fix. He still couldn’t forgive himself for hurting everyone; his mother, Jared, Alana, and the Murphys–including Connor, even if back then he hadn’t been alive (again). “It was easier. To hide, and…pretend that things were better than they were.” He remarked, breaking eye contact. If anyone deserves his honesty right now, it’s Zoe. 

He’s telling himself to calm down. Freaking out around Zoe was something he’d always feared, in some way. Before they’d met, it had been the fear of his hands being sweaty–embarrassing himself. Now, he was more of the opinion that he had no right to break down after what he’d done. ‘I don’t hate you’ were the words that made him look at her, eyes still teary, but surprised. Of course Zoe Murphy could do that–she was an amazing person, and he’d always thought that. When she grabbed his hand, Evan went back to trying to blink back the tears, nodding his head as he used his free hand to wipe at his face (in a way that’s meant to be discreet). “I never meant to hurt anyone.” He says. “But you…saw me. I couldn’t give that up. It was selfish. It was so selfish.” 

Evan stands there, trying to withstand the flood of thoughts that all center around one thing: ‘you’re a terrible person’. He knows that he’s supposed to forgive himself, and learn from past mistakes, but all he can focus on is that he hurt Zoe, pissed off Connor, and disrespected all of the Murphys when he fabricated that friendship. What kind of a loser did that, anyway? He felt so selfish. As Zoe touches his shoulder, he flinches away, his breathing uneven as he blinks rapidly. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes almost automatically. “You shouldn’t have to be–to be nice to me. I don’t…” Deserve it. Evan can’t get the words out. 

He doesn’t know why Zoe’s even talking to him. She should hate him. He imagined she would–that if she ever saw him again, there’d be a look of contempt for letting her think that her brother had cared. Evan felt like he would deserve that, instead of this: the hug, the smile, the helpful heads-up about Connor’s presence. He doesn’t notice the odd expression she was looking at him with, his eyes burning a hole in the ground. His fingers fidget and he can tell they are, but he can’t help it. There’s more advice dispensed about her brother, and he forces himself to nod his head. His voice, however, is lost as he feels his chest tighten with anxiety. Evan’s pretty sure that no one else has ever had to deal with the reality of a dead person coming back to life, and knowing how you lied about them. 

If Evan could see himself, he imagined he visibly paled at Zoe’s guess that Connor did know the truth. However, he could feel his stomach figuratively tying itself up in knots. Lying tree hugger. “Oh.” Is all he can utter for the moment, imagining that her brother will be furious–and he was capable of pushing pretty hard. At least he didn’t have a broken arm this time–no, that wasn’t very helpful. The guilt felt like it was piling on his shoulders, crushing him. Evan remembers that day in the Murphy house when the truth had come out. “H-he knows about…about all of it?” He asks, though it’s obvious that’s what she meant. Evan’s voice shakes, and he tries to keep himself calm, but it doesn’t work. 

He can feel the anxiety beginning to rise, thinking of Connor being here. Did he know about the lies? The Connor Project? Their only two interactions had been so different–from being shoved in the hallway, to the fleeting kindness that had turned into paranoia, anger, and a stolen letter that was never meant to be seen. Evan’s fingers twist the fabric at the hem of his shirt, and he tries to seem cool, and calm, and collected. Yeah, even he wasn’t that great a liar. “No, that’s–I’m sorry. I believe you–it’s just…” Evan explains. “Does he know about the…um, The Connor Project?” He feels like he’s selfish for asking about that, but the question is out before he can shut himself up. 

“Oh, um, well–I’ve been staying with this elderly couple. Or–I guess they’re more middle aged, but one’s a nurse and they saw me sort of freaking out but it’s fine. I’m fine.” Evan explained, rambling a bit and correcting himself. He thought she sounded worried, but quickly reminded himself that he didn’t really deserve her sympathy after what he’d done to her and her parents. Of course, the 17 year old was harder on himself than anyone else. His eyes widened in surprise when Zoe told him how long she’d been here. It made sense, he guessed. He hadn’t exactly been in touch with her for some time. “Wow.” He didn’t know what else to say. “Is there anyone else here that you know?” Now it was his turn to be concerned, even though he knew Zoe was smart and capable. 

❝ Everybody’s fucking sorry.. ❞

“I don’t know what you want from me, Connor..”

He looks up at the sound of the other person’s voice, shock written across his features as they recognize one another. Evan continues to be surprised when Zoe’s arms wrap around his shoulders. He freezes for a second, arms awkwardly moving up and hands ghosting over her back. “It’s okay,” He assures her when she apologizes. He wants to echo her sentiments, but his voice seems to be lost as he tries to take in everything. Zoe was standing in front of him, and things seemed…okay–which wasn’t entirely shocking, but after what he’d done, Evan never imagined she’d ever be hugging him. Chalking it up to the whole ‘randomly-appearing’ thing, he manages a sheepish half smile. “It’s, uh–I’ve been here a couple of days.” He explains, hand fidgeting with the drawstring of his hoodie. “You? I mean–have you been here…long?” It feels like any progress he’d made socially had regressed with the situation, and he was back to stumbling over sentences and lost eye contact. 

@ofscribbledstars

When Evan had first arrived in London, he’d had a panic attack. Thankfully, a stranger had witnessed it, helping him through it and offering him a place to stay for a little while. Now, as he walked along the streets, he was focusing on how he’d get back home. He had a mere 10 dollars in his wallet, and his debit card only had $5.96 (and a pending charge of $1.45), so trying to find the airport and a flight across the Atlantic wasn’t an option. Hands shoved in his sweatshirt pockets, Evan continued on his way, head down. As he approached a crosswalk, he bumped into someone, nervously mumbling an apology. 

“Oh, it's alright don’t worry..” Zoe says as she looks at the person who bumped into her, “Evan? oh my gosh!” She smiles and hugs him tight. Finally, someone other than her brother shows up.The girl was happy her brother was alive again, but she can actually talk to Evan without getting into a fight, so that's nice. “Sorry- I’m just so happy to see you. It's nice to see someone from home around here.” Zoe blushes as she pulls away from the hug. “How long have you been here?” He probably hasn’t been around long, Zoe would have seen him sooner.

“You know…” Peter flashed off his seat, and in the blink of an eye he was behind the couch; in the kitchen. “I never liked this song.” Peter called from the kitchen, grabbing two bottles of coke from within, bringing them back in under a second, he sat back down on the couch. “I think I mostly like the songs with Elsa in.” He said, passing over one of the bottles to Zoe.

“I don’t care for it either,” Zoe says looking over to find him not next to her anymore. She sees him in the kitchen and then he is suddenly back on the couch. Zoe looks at him shocked, “How did you just do that?”

“N-no. You don’t, and I can’t explain it because… Because I don’t fucking understand it either. “

“I’m sorry, Connor..”

“ Tried and didn’t fucking succeed! You all fucking sucked! “ Connor snapped, moving closer again until he was close enough to hover over her. “ What, you don’t think I’ve tried to be okay? I don’t like it being hard either! ”

“You could have tried harder! ...I just want my old brother back..” Zoe lowers her head, mumbling the last part.

“Alright, it’s a deal!” Peter chuckled, nodding his head. He KNEW he was a good Elsa, after all she was his favourite character. “Of course I am, nobody can belt out the lyrics to Let it go better than I can. You’ll see!” 

“I can’t wait to see that.” She giggles and turns her attention to the movie now.Do You Want To Build A Snowman starts playing and Zoe starts humming along.