to hear my heartbeat

                                    it’s a name to a face he’d only seen in his periphery or in the few times he’d granted himself a surreptitious glance at harlowe, just to check if she’s okay. she had been. completely okay. happy, even. and he’s fine too, he’d proven that to her in ways that only in retrospect, when the first grey hair starts to sprout, that he’ll recognize as insensitive and cruel. right now, he just assumes the nauseating weight that pushes against his sternum, the anxiety, is the cost of their nobility. that this is what it means to be mature adults, that the step out of adolescence feels like the stepping into the deep end without warning. frank and harlowe are happy. what more could they want for each other ( other than maybe being happy for each other  ). ‘   great.   ’ he only says it pointedly because she did first. ‘   i mean, i’ve never met him but that’s great — - really great.   ’ 

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Mateo said, getting annoyed now. He had in know what given Harlowe any indication that he didn’t believe her, but her reaction was making her think otherwise. “I’m not going to let you jump down my throat when I already told you I didn’t believe that damn book. When you’ve decided to treat me with an ounce of decency, when you’re over whatever this is, then we’ll talk,” he told her. He pushed away from their table, cursing in Spanish under his breath, and moved to collect his stuff, his jaw clenched as he did so. “I’ll see you around.” 

her brow furrowed at the sudden shift in his tone, clearly something else was bothering him. but she wasn’t gonna ask. in her mind this was just another example of a man pissed for not getting what they wanted out of her. sad. they’re all the same. and the good guys were always the worst culprits. “okay, bye weirdo.” she rolled her eyes and looked back down at her homework. 

“oh, if someone talks shit in front of me they are for sure getting punched, but that’s not new. i meant more like do you want me to find the people responsible and make them bleed.” elliot was a fairly aggressive person, but the way she was now seemed tame in comparison to how violent she was as a teenager. she used to get into fights all the time, and she felt like was willing to go back to that in order to stick up for her best friend. as far as she was concerned, anyone who talked shit about harlowe deserved a fist to the face. “if anyone thinks that you’re crazy they’re a fucking idiot and they obviously don’t know you. their opinions don’t matter. if someone judges you for this, they’re a horrible fucking person and you don’t need to concern yourself with them.” she didn’t think there were people at gallagher who were so despicable that they’d judge someone for a pregnancy, but she couldn’t say for sure. “i’m just glad you’re safe.” she said it mostly for herself, just so she could hear it out loud. harlowe was fine, at least physically, and pregnancy did not equal death, but it still made elliot nervous.

“That’s a wild party,” he jokes lightly. Though, let’s be real, Levi would’ve invited half the school, because a party isn’t a party with four people. Though, he’s under the impression Harlowe wouldn’t like something so big either way. He wraps an arm around her when they sit down, pulling her tight and close to him and slowly rubs her arm. “At least she was with you.” It would’ve been probably harder to deal with this by herself. It’s a lot. “Who’s Mateo even?” He doesn’t remember if he’s heard the name before. Anyway. “What did you do?”

“I’m sorry. Everything about this is so shitty.” But then again, any timing for this would’ve been shitty. “Were you planning a party?” he jokes lightly, just wanting to lighten up the mood for her, not wanting this grim air to stay. He doesn’t let go of her, and he keeps his arms tight around her. He’ll keep on holding her for as long as she needs. Words may be not as comforting, because he can’t change what’s going on, but he can comfort her with this. His mind does unfortunately go to what Caden’s told him, about Harlowe’s previous relationship and how apparently she and Caden don’t seem to be getting along. But he brushes the thought now, it’s hardly the time to discuss any of this, doesn’t know if he ever will. “Has anyone talked to you about your entry?” He doesn’t think people will care as much when there’s literal murders on there, but it doesn’t mean things are any easier on her.

Mateo sat there for a beat, watching her, really unsure what to say. Licking his lips, he nodded once. “Right,” he agreed, because what else was he supposed to say? He wasn’t really in the mood to have her keep jumping down his throat. 

“ew, don’t look at me like that. you’re really gonna believe some book published by a blog that constantly lies over me?”

elliot had never seen harlowe like this and she wasn’t really sure what to do. comforting people wasn’t her forte and the more serious a situation was, the harder it was for her to know how to deal. “yeah, i think so.” she got up and went over to her dresser to grab a half empty bottle before sitting back down and handing the bottle over. “i think it’s gonna be alright. maybe not today, but i really think it will be.” she hated that this information was on the internet, but she was sure that the only people who would judge harlowe for this were assholes whose opinions didn’t matter, and she hoped that the many assholes that they went to school with weren’t that kind of asshole. “do you want me to beat anyone up for you? because i could do that pretty easily.”

elliot: he's not as cool as he thinks he is tbh

elliot: ok im trusting u

harlowe: good for u

elliot: idk if it would

elliot: i dont miss the first floor idk wtf he's talking about lol

elliot: maybe i went for a run

elliot: or took a nap

elliot: idk

harlowe: what a weirdo lmao

elliot: well i cant do that

elliot: i mean i might not reply but the emoji thing aint happening

elliot: but im worried that if i dont reply i'll make it weird and i dont want that

elliot: like i need a haha we're friends haha type thing to say

harlowe: do you like, have to answer it? or would ghosting put your point across lol

harlowe: be like

harlowe: yep

elliot: huh

elliot: maybe

elliot: i dont think he's actually stupid enough to let that fall through so its not really an issue

elliot: i hate it 2

elliot: how am i supposed to reply to that pls help

harlowe: literally i wouldnt reply to it

elliot: idk thats why im texting u!!

elliot: well

elliot: idk how to argue with that but i also dont think he's THAT bad

elliot: not really sure if he's trying to fuck with my head 🙃 or if it just comes naturally to him

harlowe: honestly feels like hes trying to string you along to me

harlowe: like im w this girl now but if that falls thru i know i have you :)

elliot: ok quick question

elliot: what the actual fuck

elliot: [sends screenshots]

elliot: the reason i know where his room was is bc we had sex there so like??

elliot: is that smile like an oh yeah we fucked smile bc idk what other kind of smile it would be???

elliot: why are men

harlowe: jesus

harlowe: why would he even bring up the THOUGHT that you had sex when he has a literal gf

harlowe: truly he gets worse to me everyday

Mateo looked at Harlowe with an expectant expression, shrugging his shoulders in nonchalance. “I didn’t think it was,” he said, though it wasn’t exactly what he believed. If she wanted to tell him the book was wrong about her, he’d let her. “Want to talk about it? Or do you want to ignore it like I was planning to?” 

“there’s nothing to talk about or ignore. the shit they wrote about me wasn’t true, and i’m sure half of the shit in there is a lie too. you can’t believe everything you read, mateo.”

                             there’s a sharp pinch of guilt, her expression frozen over. he’s never been impatient but it’s difficult to wait when he knows he’s the one causing the hurt, complicating things and leaving her feelings tangled - he’d be the first person to help pick the knots if he weren’t the one tying them. there is a shift, a noticeable calm that settles atop of them, it could just be the familiarity of deja vu, they’ve done this before. but he can sense they’re both trying to be careful, eking cautiously further into deep water, praying that they’ll swim and not sink. while the conclusion’s hazy, silent resignation isn’t so silent. she can’t forget what he said and he wouldn’t unsay it. they’re not going to be best friends again. he doesn’t think either of them will admit it aloud, it was already hard enough to swallow. ‘   i’m sorry i made you feel like your friendship wasn’t important to me. it was. it - -    ’ is, ‘   it was, lo.   ’ his head tilts, absently smoothing the line that’s formed between creased brows, feels the circling temptation to try and explain away her hurt, because it still doesn’t make sense to him. but he doesn’t have to understand it, just accept it. ‘   yeah.   ’ he murmurs, only if put under a microscope would one find a trace of him sulking about it. ‘   you came with someone?   ’ the change of topic feels like a sharp turn, it sort of makes his stomach lurch. 

elliot almost didn’t look at her phone, she was trying too hard to concentrate on what she was supposed to be reading. but she figured one little glance wouldn’t hurt. she was wrong. by the time she realized what she was looking at it she was too engrossed to stop reading. this was objectively terrible and yet she had to know everything. “what the fuck is this,” she whispered, mostly to herself. she quickly searched for her name, and she was surprised to see that what was written about her was almost… complimentary. but recently some of the pride she had felt about her past had turned into guilt, or something else unpleasant but difficult to pin down. she didn’t want people to be able to look at their phone and know about the questionable things she had done, and this was starting to make her feel nauseous. “hey-” elliot looked up at harlowe and stopped speaking as soon as she saw the look on her face. “dude.” something was very wrong and elliot looked back down, this time scrolling to the end in search of harlowe’s picture. pregnant. she would probably be catatonic, too. elliot felt a pang of something, a twinge of hurt over the idea that her best friend had kept this from her. she told harlowe everything and up until fifteen seconds ago she had been under the impression that harlowe told her everything in return. but she knew this really wasn’t about her, so she put her phone down and scooted closer to her friend. “okay, so, this is not great. i’m not gonna lie to you and say that it is because you would know that’s a lie. but i am right here, and, uh- i don’t know, i could get you like water or tequila or a cheeseburger. i could tell you a bunch of dad jokes or something. or i could shut the fuck, so just… uh just tell me if i should shut up.” 

“You know I’m still going to say that,” he says, tone slightly playful in hopes he can lighten the mood for her. He keeps his arms around her, tight and protective, for however long she needs it. “I’m here.” He says, leaning to press a kiss to the top of her head. They’re still in the process of trusting each other and he knows Harlowe’s taking baby steps with this, so he wants her to know he’s patient and trusts that she will tell him at her own time and comfort. “You don’t have to thank me for being here and being understanding. It’s the bare minimum, Harlowe.” He wonders if it’s not the sort of treatment she’s used to. Day by day, the more she reveals about herself, the more Levi thinks he’s beginning to understand her. He knows there’s so much more to everything.