keep rollin' along

i feel like i’ve hit rock bottom with my anxiety because it’s the worst i’ve ever experienced it, and it’s not just social anxiety, it’s general anxiety, like every fucking thing makes my heart pound & i’m shaking a lot now for no reason & i can’t even do anything about it

i’ve also lost a shit ton of weight in the past 3 months and i’m not even doing it on purpose. i’m really scared cause i know i’m hungry, i’m always hungry, but when i put something in my mouth it’s like my body’s telling me that i’m full and to not feed myself anymore but i know that my stomach is fucking empty. & it doesn’t help that i’m constantly reminded of it either because all my belts & bottoms are now way too big, or because of people telling me how skinny i look -- like dude, i know, and i’m scared, so stop making me freak out about it more

and i don’t know if it’s anything linked to my anxiety, it probably is, but i’m really not keen on going to hospitals anymore cause i’ve been there too many times the past year (for surgery, checkups, and nerve pain in my lower back) i also don’t wanna sit in front of someone and tell them all the probably ridiculous thoughts i have re my anxiety. i’ve also spent a ton of money on medical bills the past year (in the thousands) and i’m not working so it just feels like a leaking tap

i know i don’t come on here anymore and i probably will never resume to what i once was on here, but i just needed somewhere to write

Reason #1 So I graduated from university April last year and did quite a lot of travelling around the world while I was a free bird..

Reason #2 I had to undergo an emergency surgery end of last year because I had severe endometriosis (if anyone has debilitating pelvic pains during their period and it’s making them immobile (I also couldn’t pass motion without silently screaming in pain because my pelvic organs were stuck to each other), please go check it out because I endured this pain for an entire year and after the operation I’ve never been happier)..

Reason #3 I got into a graduate research programme so I started my Masters in January this year. It was a little difficult to get into the groove at first because the pace is just so different and it’s been hella busy (and filled with anxiety). And I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t have free time but when I do all I wanna do is get away from any screen and spend time with my ageing pugs..

So yup.. I don’t see myself being on here as much as I was a few years back because of the circumstances and I hate myself for not being able to make or sustain any friendships on here. But being the awesome and supportive people that I know you guys are, I just wanted to let you know what I’ve been up to and that I’ve been able to overcome my anxiety week after week! It doesn’t make future anxiety events any better but knowing how many I’ve conquered feels really really good! I’m on Instagram if anyone wants to keep up with me.. it’s ‘letishooo’ and I mostly, but not always, share what I’m up to through my three pugs..