Embarrassing 430am crashout on tumblr.com. Whatever

i remember when I was like 12 and starting to like Girls there was this girl who was cute who lived on my street that my mom didn’t want me to see because she thought she was a bad influence. but she also liked me. so as a result I had to tell this cute girl that my mom didn’t want her to ever come around and she avoided me forever after that. Thanks mom.

I am struggling a bit recently

I hope I too can be redeemed

nobody except one person has really loved me and that seems cause for sadness but for me it is a small fire and proof that it’s possible. and with that it’s worth trudging on.

I get so tired of being dogged around by fucked up events that happened to me between the ages of 5-13. They are endless behavioral patterns that I try and try and try to break and they never relent. I am constantly vigilant of my environment waiting for a door to close in a certain way. Those doors have not been closed that way for 20 years. Yet their ambient sounds still affect me today. It is fucked up being raised by a dysfunctional alcoholic mom and abusive stepdad, and then more fucked up being raised by hyper competent, yet emotionally absent dad and cunt stepmom. And none of my siblings are close with me and with me them. I wish I knew what it was like to have a normal upbringing with normal parents and normal siblings and have normal relationships with everyone but instead I am alone and estranged from them all.

Forgiving parents should really be one and done but instead it’s a constant battle. Who came up with that. Fucked up.

no resentment only forgiveness OKAY