ELDUNEA.

i still have to do a few more finishing touches to put on it, but it’s definitely in a fit shape to start posting. thank you all for six months of dedicated followership and see you all there! <3

everybody says that mun ≠ muse. even with someone like lotor, who i project a lot onto. however, in the past few days, i have been fearing increasingly that that mun-muse barrier has broken down. and i fear that if i continue to rp lotor the way i do, this problem will only get worse.

for even more context, i’m going to tell you guys a story that happened a long time ago. some of you may or may not know that after season 6 dropped and lotor was revealed to be a big bad, i considered making him in his “dark” verse a rapist. i have decided not to rp in that verse on tumblr, so you won’t be seeing any of that content here but anyway…one of my friends cut me off for that, saying that playing my character as a rapist would give me a gross personality. i rolled my eyes at this and thought “good riddance,” thinking i could never be affected by how i play my character. but the more i play lotor as a shitty person, the more i begin to feel as though that person was right.

idk if i’ve mentioned this on my blog before but i literally play lotor as the worst of me. and the worst of me says that if i perceive someone to be in the moral wrong, it’s okay for me or somebody else to hurt them. i was mulling over this during exercise the other day when i was literally like “hm……yeah………lotor has a point, if somebody went around killing corrupt politicians i’d probably be cheering them on.” that immediately concerned me, because i had never thought that way before, and i wondered if lotor had been the cause of that. but i managed to ignore it, put it out of my mind. ooc could never be ic, right?

until today.

today i said some really shitty things about a friend because i perceived them to be in the wrong, and another friend (one that i’ve had for 4 going on 5 years) cut me off because of it. after a few hours of talking to people, i started wondering why i didn’t care that i was being cruel. and then i realized: it’s because i thought that the friend i talked about was wrong. it’s because i thought they weren’t being straightforward with me--and that wasn’t true, they had just changed their mind. i also thought they were mad at me simply because i had consulted the opinion of somebody other than them………guess what? that also wasn’t true. i thought they had no right to think the way they did, and so i was justified in responding however i wanted.

like lotor, i have this problem where i think that if people are wrong, especially from a moral standpoint, they need to be punished. also like lotor, i also have this problem where i think that if people are morally wrong i don’t have to care about their feelings because they deserve what’s coming to them. finally, like lotor, i have this problem that i feel like if i lash out at people who do bad things, i’m only going to hurt the bad people like my abusive parents. but that’s not true for either of us. lotor has killed and tortured innocents because he thought they did something wrong. and i have hurt the people who are closest to me. 

this isn’t the first time i’ve hurt my friends with this mindset. i’ve done it a ton of other times as well. one time i called one of my friends replaceable because i thought he had acted in a guilt-trippy way, and because i felt he was being selfish. another time one of my friends said an opinion that i thought was “dangerous,” and i ripped into him--even after he had been shat on by an entire group of his other friends. a third time, when an irl friend tried to help me with my image issues by saying stuff that reminded me of how my mother talked to me, i told her to shut up because i wanted to block her and she ended up blocking me first. a few years ago i yelled at and blocked my college counselor because i thought he was conspiring with my mom to limit my independence, which, like all the other suspicions, wasn’t true. oh yeah and……way back in high school, i remember that i felt as though one of my friends was being racist, so i told him to “shut the fuck up white boy and sit the fuck down.” there are probably other examples that i can’t think of, but these are what i can think of for now.

the point is, i always assume the worst in everybody and so i feel like any hurt i cause is self-defense. i act like i trust my friends, but the moment they do something wrong i feel like some deep-seated subconscious suspicion has been proven all along and i need to hurt them to punish them, to stop them from hurting me or other people. i say that “bad people” should be hurt and punished, but i see “bad people” even where i shouldn’t. i see evil everywhere, i have started seeing it even in my friends, and if i see it even in my friends, nobody is safe from me. 

that’s not the kind of person i want to be.

i don’t have like, a multi-step plan on how to change myself. i honestly am not even sure where to begin. but i’m wondering if taking a break from lotor, playing him in a different way or ceasing to rp him altogether is step one. i can’t help but feel like being this close to him and having so many plots and headcanons where he hurts people he thinks have wronged him has poisoned my thinking, and is slowly turning me more and more toxic and vengeful. he may not have been the start of this behavior pattern, but he sure as hell isn’t helping. i mean, it’s already pretty clear to me that he’s influenced my political thinking as i said in that example above, so………why wouldn’t he also be at play here?

i’m too exhausted and saddened to continue this post so i’m just going to end it.