oops

baran & yolanda noticing how much trinity either takes the blame or over apologises

trinity subconsciously feeling like a burden by just existing

the first time baran clocks it is about seven or eight months in.

trinity and yolanda are spending the night a baran’s, a common occurrence these days. trinity’s in between her two girlfriends when she wakes up kicking and screaming from a terrible nightmare. it’s not the first she’s had around them but usually, she just wakes up with a start, breathing fast and erratic. she’ll calm herself down, slow her breathing and stare at the ceiling until she falls back asleep.

this time, she can’t hide it though. it wakes up both baran and yolanda. baran has no clue what to do, she’s never seen trinity look so scared, so frightened. yolanda knows what to do, trinity used to have them much more frequently when they were casual. she sends baran to get water and see if trinity has any meds in her bag. yolanda soothes her, rubs her back and pulls her into a gentle hug until she calms.

when baran gets back, trinity is crying and apologizing profusely. i’m so sorry, i never meant to wake you up. i’m sorry. go back to sleep. i’ll be okay. i’m sorry. please, please sleep. i can handle this on my own. i’m so sorry.

and yolanda just lets her. doesn’t say it’s okay, doesn’t reassure her that it’s fine, just lets her apologize until she exhausts herself. she knows there is no getting through to trinity when she’s like this. baran hands her the water and a small pill, which trinity takes with more apologies.

baran starts noticing it more and more often. broken glasses, small miscommunications, tiny disagreements, and anything that could potentially be seen as a mistake are followed by countless i’m sorry, please don’t be mad, i’ll fix it.

yolanda notices it more in her always taking the fall.

jahan breaks a vase and it’s her fault for looking away. yolanda misreads a text and it’s trinity’s fault for not being more clear. baran and yolanda get in an argument about whose turn it is to do a chore and trinity says it’s her turn even though she did it yesterday. trinity blames herself for everything or takes the fall only she gets in trouble, only she gets yelled at.

baran and yolanda reach their breaking point after trinity has a truly horrific day at work. lots of poor patient outcomes that are not her fault. they would have happened under anyone’s car, it just so happens that it was her for all of them.

trinity blames herself, hard. she stays quiet the whole ride to baran’s and all throughout dinner. baran confronts her about it gently, it’s not your fault, you know that?

and trinity just breaks. because she doesn’t know that. she grew up always being told things were her fault. anything her brothers did, any mistake she made at gymnastics, being a lesbian, her friend’s death, her own abuse, her quitting gymnastics. all her fault, all things she caused and was made to feel shame about.

Trinity “TMI stands for Tell Me Immediately” Santos

Dennis “yeah, tell us *regrets opening the floor*” Whitaker

look at my doctors dawg i’m gonna die 😭😭😭