bleu

And there was no need for an explanation as to why she came at sundown, car speeding in the dirt driveway while JJ was waxing his board. JJ came out to the sound of tires skidding, complaining about the dirt that picked up around like dust as he came waving a rag around. But he couldn't get a word in where he stood still, his brows pinching and the muscle in his cheek twitching in what she learned to be anger. Because the reason for her tears always narrowed down to one person. The person that made JJ's best friend, a girl undeserving of tears, cry.

And there was no need for an explanation as to why she came at sundown, car speeding in the dirt driveway while JJ was waxing his board. JJ came out to the sound of tires skidding, complaining about the dirt that picked up around like dust as he came waving a rag around. But he couldn't get a word in where he stood still, his brows pinching and the muscle in his cheek twitching in what she learned to be anger. Because the reason for her tears always narrowed down to one person. The person that made JJ's best friend, a girl undeserving of tears, cry.

JJ inhaled before taking a hesitant step toward her. But she didn't utter a word. Only stripped her gray blazer, letting it fall on the dirt as she plopped on the hammock, hand covering her face.

A few minutes later, she heard the heavy scraping on the grass. She lifted her head, eyebrows rising in question. JJ was dragging two boards out from the shed, pausing when he saw her sitting up. The sun behind her shadowed her reaction to his attempt to cheer her up. "Kie left a bathing suit here a few days ago. And Pope did the laundry so you can change into something of ours afterward."

A smile spread to her lips. JJ Maybank was truly Godsent. She was on her feet in seconds, bounding up the squeaking porch steps to put on the bathing suit. With Kie's orange bathing suit on, she opened her purse, fishing for her pill bottle. She dries swallowed one with a grimace and made for the door when she heard her phone ring. She stopped, her breathing almost caught in her throat. Her fist clenched, hating the part of her that wanted to reach out to Rafe. He was probably in his room now enraged because of a dinner lecture from Ward.

She should have called him earlier when she was held up at work. Maybe she could have avoided today's argument--

The honking from the twinkie outside pulled y/n from her stupor. She shakes her head at the intrusion of her thoughts, and her mood dampened slightly.

Y/n rolls her eyes when she comes out to see JJ standing outside the van, hand on the horn through the window as if he was daring to do it again if she didn't come any quicker. "Thank god," he groans dramatically, and she scrunches her nose playful, tossing him a beer before they get in the van.

With the day at its close, a couple of hours in the water was exactly what she needed. The waves were welcoming anytime her board glided over the water. Out of all the pogues, she was the worst at surfing. It took her a whole two months to even balance properly. Even now, JJ coached her.

"You're not shuffling your feet!"

"That's a tasty one! You better get that!"

"How did you fall! There wasn't even a wave yet!"

"Atta' girl! That's what I'm talkin' about!"

When they called it a night, they showered off the salt and sand, and here they were now, lying on the hammock, watching the sunset. Y/n damp hair splayed around her head like a halo, and she could feel the sensitivity of sunburn on her cheeks. The screeches of seagulls overhead engulfed her senses, along with the water hitting the docks and the trees rustling in the summer wind.

Though the serenity of being outside was calming, she knew a storm was brewing in JJ. He was holding back on his questions. The boy could spitball for hours on end and never run out of things to say. His silence was enough to know he wanted her to tell him what happened. Why she came in crying, head pounding as if she would explode from the inside out.

Bu now, her heart was steady after her dispute with Rafe. Her chest rose and fell slowly, trying its best to cage her raging heart. Once again, Rafe had embarrassed her to a point where his cooing 'I love yous' and hands-on her face couldn't soothe her anger. It happened in front of her coworkers. As if it could get any worse (which it had) this time, it was in front of her boss. The boss that would decide whether or not she was being promoted or not. As a kid from the Cut, she took pride in how far she'd come. She still attended school and had a part-time job at the bank for some extra kook cash. Then she and Pope began taking advanced classes meaning she left earlier and picked up more shifts.

The bank took a liking to her commitment and hard work. She was quickly a favorite among her coworkers. Of course, the kook snobs who looked down on her spread gossip about her like wildfire. But hearing she was Rafe's Cameron's girlfriend shut them up in an instant. It was a quiet blessing, one that crept into your hands and let you hold it close to your heart. A girl that grew up in the Cut was one of the best-paid employees at the bank, and as JJ would say, it was the fanciest kook bank he's ever seen. Her parents doted on her and always praised her for getting so far at such a young age. They couldn't be more proud, constantly rejecting her money when she offered to pay the phone bill and told her to buy something for herself.

She was just speaking to her boss in the sumptuous lobby when Rafe came tumbling in through the glass doors. His clothes were roughed up, and a large shiner colored his jaw. He was utterly stoned, grabbing her face and saying he has been calling her all morning. She had smelled the liquor on his tongue, and she gently pulled away. She laughed nervously as she kept flickering her eyes to her boss because surely they would be displeased with the interruption.

And then Rafe started getting loud, expressing his anger at Y/n for promising to meet with him for an early dinner with his family. Rafe used the money his father entrusted him with until he bought coke. Just another day in the Cameron residence. And he had hoped Y/n would be there at the diner to defuse his father's hostility for him. She always had a way of soothing people. Let it be the way she laughed, smiled so gleefully it looked almost effortless. She was favored among Kooks and Pogues since she was so eloquent and spoke pleasantly. Rafe found solace in her and the way she looked at him when he had a stressful day. Like she gave a damn about him. She listened to him, and that was all he needed.

But Y/n couldn't hold it in anymore, and she scolded him loudly like he was a child. After apologizing, she dragged Rafe out by his arm into the parking lot, having a yelling contest with her boyfriend, constantly talking over the other.

And that brings her to this moment, not hearing her phone ringing from where it sat on the couch in the confines of her blazer pocket. JJ had picked it up and placed it inside so it wouldn't get any dirtier than it already was. He knew how much it had cost her. JJ was the one to fall victim to actually going with her to the mainland to buy it. After trying on over a "gazillion," JJ found a favorite. And a shit-eating grin painted his lips when she modeled it with a smile for the rest of the pogues in the chateau, knowing full and well it was his favorite that she chose. They all teased her for going full Kook and spoke about how they all would move into her mansion when she became the new boss—spending every waking moment with the people she loved most made her heart leap. She imagined it when her brain allowed a moment of peace, making pancakes in a pristine kitchen with Sarah and Kie. Talk to Pope until three A.M. on the couch accompanied by hot chocolate cupped in their hands. Hold back tears of laughter with John B from just one of the hundreds of inside jokes they have and would never share with anyone else. And be in the presence of JJ Maybank.

As they are now, she wished it would go on forever. His hand on her skin, looking at her with a soft gaze when she finally looked up at him. With him was constant promised happiness, adventure, constant arguments, teasing, flirting, debates, hugs, shoving, and scolding. She doted on him when he knew he didn't deserve it. And when she did scold him, it was in the nicest way possible. He let her talk for hours about her day at work when she came back from a late shift. He would massage her feet on the couch as they watched a movie, making commentary more often so than actually watching the movie.

And it was no coincidence he was with her now at her lowest point. The rest of the pogues were out on the marsh, and JJ remembered Y/n saying she would meet them at the chateau after dinner with Rafe. When she never showed, he volunteered to stay behind to make sure she made it back alright.

Looking away from JJ's awaiting eyes to tell him what's going on, she sighed blissfully. "Today was a lot of fun."

A wind chime sung somewhere in John B's house. Y/n had gifted it to him for his birthday. "Of course it was. We always have fun. You're just too busy with your kook job to hang out with us anymore," he snipped with a teasing smirk. But the truth ran deep. They both knew that. JJ had to hold himself back for her sake. From digging in on her boyfriend, knowing he was the reason for her red-ringed eyes.

Y/n quirks a shoulder, smiling softly. "Yeah, well, my kook job scored us two packs of beer, be grateful," she shoots back, head lulling to the side to gesture to the drinks she bought on the way to the beach.

It's hard to lie to your best friend. Y/n showed all her emotions through her eyes, so faking it wasn't an option. Not with JJ. Her only way out was to deflect as much as possible.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess kook jobs are useful for some things," the two laughed, JJ sipping his lukewarm beer. Y/n stabbed her heel gently into his side, and he squirmed away, slapping her.

Y/n hadn't realized how much she was smiling, but JJ did. He always watched her intently without regard that he was actually doing it. He knew she never expressed her feelings due to worry that she was a burden. Alright, he wasn't one to talk about suppression, but Y/n did it way too often. Self-isolation was her default, and the pogues knew that now. They learned to be watchful of her and check up on her to make sure she was okay.

"It's nice to see you smiling. You haven't smiled as much since you started seeing him."

JJ let the words slip out before he could think and quickly regretted it. When she looked at him, her lips parted slightly, eyes nearly widening until she hid her reaction. She cleared her throat, pressing the rim of her beer bottle to her lips. It seemed the crickets had gotten louder, akin to her heart. She probably should have just left, knowing JJ would eventually have something to say. He always did.

JJ laid his head back with a quiet groan, his heavy hand still resting on her leg and his thumb grazing her knee. Y/n swallowed a gulp of beer, letting it sit in her mouth for a moment before swallowing. She cringed at the strong flavor before sitting up on her elbows. "Hey, you got your Juul on you?" she inquired, her voice strained as she leaned down to place her bottle on the ground.

"When do I not?" he says, lifting his hips to pull out what she asked for.

"When I need it the most."

JJ set her with a playful glare, Y/n sending it right back when he tossed it to her waiting hands. "Hardy har har. All yours, princess."

Y/n took a long drag before releasing it into the air. It seemed JJ borrowed new pods, the smell of strawberry fogging above her. She made a few shapes, JJ whistling as she almost choked. As the sun got lower, kissing the horizon, she hoped this would be a distraction enough for her to call it a night and avoid confrontation.

"Seriously, Y/n, I don't get what you see in him." he sighed, almost sounding like a scoff.

Y/n sat up slowly, fully aware that JJ's eyes were narrowed at her. "J, not now…" she murmured, setting the Jull on the hammock and carding her fingers through her hair.

"So you want me to ignore the fact that you came here crying? Ignore that he's the damn reason?" JJ's eyes were alight with something Y/n couldn't read, but she let her eyes stare with shame that she made him worry. And then she won't bother talking about it being the cherry on top.

"Can we not talk about this right now? I had a really nice time today, and I don't want you to ruin it."

Her choice of words was not wise, she realized. JJ scoffed, an incredulous smile touching his lips as he got to his feet and stood before her.

"You don't want me to ruin it? He's the reason you needed cheering up in the first place!"

His tone sank her heart. She knew her thoughts were wrong. Telling her she was a burden, and he only took her surfing because he felt obligated.

Y/n licked her lips, shaking her head. "Jesus J, for once, can you just respect my decision? For once!" she shouted, her raw throat full of pent-up frustration. "You have a different girl waltzing out of your room every other week, and you don't see me on your ass!"

"I'll respect your decision when it's not dating a fucking kook who has made our lives a living hell for years!" his face is contorted in anger, blue eyes blazing as he points to her then away as if referencing Rafe back in Figure Eight.

Y/n's eyes are locked on his, the pain in keeping eye contact making her eyes water. Why was he always right? And why wasn't she listening? She shakes her head, being done with the discussion. She's had her fill on yelling for one day.

"Whatever, JJ," she scoffs, standing from the hammock and striding to the chateau to gather her stuff.

She could hear JJ's heavy footfalls behind her. If he asked her to stay, she would--god, she knew she would.

"He's not good for you," he says, watching her swipe her bag and clothing from his bed.

I know that, she told herself.

Y/n wordlessly brushes past him, and JJ throws his hand slightly as he watches her grab her blazer and drop her phone into her bag. She kept her hair in her face, not letting him see the effect of his words. How they cut through trying to reveal how her heart was no longer in her chest. No longer her own but in the hands of Rafe Cameron.

She nearly makes it to her car when JJ speaks again.

"He's going to run you into the ground," he says slowly, each word digging in her chest just as he intended. She can hear the pain in his words. The worry he held for her anytime she left the chateau. "And if you know what's good for you, you'll leave while you still can."

She paused, the tears that streaked down her cheek evident through her ruined makeup. Her chest was heavy and hollow simultaneously, like when your eyes burned with tears, but nothing came out. You sit around and wait for something to happen, to show for what you're feeling. But you get nothing. You're left to sit in the limbo, no way to tell which way is left or right, up or down. You are alone.

_________

Give me a day or two to think of something clever To write myself a letter To tell me what to do.

Y/n didn't get a wink of sleep in. Her mind was muffled with JJ but dominated by Rafe when her phone chimed every couple of minutes. When it finally stopped, she figured he'd given up for now. But three hours of sleep didn't mean a damn thing when all she thought about was Rafe. Nights like these were when she was the most vulnerable. Her guard was down in hopes of finding some time for real rest, but her heart was open, and her mind was free to wander about that god-awful place where she was insignificant—less than nothing. People say you are your worst critic. Those words dug so profoundly they were embedded inside her eyelids even as she slept.

Being a Pogue was thrilling. It made her heart spike when she jumped off a cliff into a dark depth of frigid water when she was running in waist-high grass from the feds for stealing cheap wine with JJ. When they had laid flat on their back, breathing heavily under a colored sky signifying the day's end. They heard sirens pass by, and JJ was the first to laugh and holler, then Y/n followed. Then JJ propped himself on his elbow, looking down at her as if for the first time. She wasn't expecting him to lean down and plant a kiss on her lips. She had pushed him away, and that was the first time she'd seen anything but happiness on his face. It broke her in two when she told him, "I'm seeing someone." And boy did they give her hell when she revealed Rafe was the one she had been talking about and fawning over all the time.

But being a Pogue also meant if you were sad, well, you were sort of dampening the fun. What was the Pogue life if you were dealing with a crying friend? It was burdening, to say the least. And Y/n knew that. Sure they were there for her, but she saw it written all over their faces. They hated having to miss out on their plans. John B would let out a sigh he hid with a smile. Kie wore a tight-lipped smile as she would pat Y/n's shoulder in mock comfort. It seemed Pope was the only one who didn't mind missing a day of mischief to just stay in. And JJ? Well, he sometimes convinced Kie and John B to leave with him, and that hurt the most when they agreed. He would look over his shoulder and say, "Well, let me know when y'all are done," as if it were a chore to try and comfort his best friend. She deserved that after rejecting him in the field, she supposed.

She stopped letting people try to "fix" her. She fills the crack in her chest with a smile and an excuse. But the damage she had brought to herself was done. But Rafe filled those spaced with his words. His eyes. His promises. Filled it with lies. Lies that are so far from the truth but believable enough because that's exactly what she needed at the time. A love that was real enough to grasp onto. She didn't question the difference between love and convenience.

So she forced herself from her creaking bed and dressed for midsummers. When she heard they were to be paid 15 an hour, she signed up immediately. And Kook parties lasted as long as their glasses were constantly filled to the rim.

Y/n slipped on a black satin dress Kie let her borrow. It was pretty short, and it became instinct for her fingers to pinch the end and tug it down. She clipped a name tag to differentiate herself from Kook since people always told her she was too pretty for a Pogue. But her living was not high class enough for a Kook.

She pinned her hair into a low bun at every chance she had in the car, and her makeup looked halfway done by the time she turned into employee parking in the back. She was immediately met with Pope's open arms when she lazily fell into his embrace.

"I'm not sure how long I can keep the Kook act up," Y/n says, exchanging the iconic Pogue handshake with Pope.

"Really?" Pope chuckles, his hands adjusting his cufflinks, "You're like the most kookiest of us all."

Y/n swats his arm, shaking her head to hide her ever-growing smile. Pope was someone she could breathe around without the slightest judgment. He was the first to learn of her anxiety. It was as simple as too much fooling around at the Wreck, resulting in her bag spilling out its contents. When Pop saw her pill bottle rolling, his eyes skim the label without thought before it was snatched from his hands.

The rest of the Pogues found out eventually afterward, but Pope did research. He checked up on her when she laughed instead of chipping into conversations, how her social battery ran out during keggers. When she would itch her wrist till it bled, scabbed, then did it again. When she acted like she was tired so she could just go home and be alone. When JJ caught on, he asked Pope for advice, not wanting to overwhelm her, but Pope corrected him. He told him not to treat her any differently because that would make her feel like they're changing things for her when that is the last thing she wants. She just needed to be understood and listened to.

But Pope knew her the most, and he prided himself on that.

They entered the kitchen, filling glasses with champagne and placing them on trays to start guests off with something light. "It's been a while," Pope said, struggling to uncork a bottle, "what have you been doing?"

Y/n shrugged, flickering her eyes over to Pope before focusing on how much she poured in the glasses. "Work mostly. Trying to secure a job that pays decently instead of chump change I've been getting." She laughed softly, but it was forced. And Pope knew that.

"Your absence has definitely been affecting everyone -- JJ's mood has literally been the worst." Pope groaned, thinking back on JJ's attitude with them this morning.

Y/n clicked her tongue. "I really don't wanna talk about that right now."

Pope side-eyes her, grimacing. "Hit a nerve there?"

"Yes."

"And what about you and Cameron? How's that working?"

Glasses clinked against each other when y/n's hands spasmed at the mention of him. Luckily no one was in the expansive kitchen to witness her clumsiness. Her face reddened, but she smoothed out her dress when she gained the courage to face Pope, who only looked concerned. And she wasn't going to lie. "I wish I could say we're good. Fine even, but...uh no, we're not talking right now."

Pope leaned back on the island counter, eyes pestering her to continue. She breathed heavily through her nose, resting against the counter across from him, one hand crossing her middle while the other fumbled with a silver chain gifted from Rafe. They still had some time before people began flooding into the party.

"You know how I've been telling you guys about that promotion at that bank?" she asked.

"Mhm," Pope nodded.

"Well, while I was talking to my boss, Rafe conveniently decided to barge in and cause a scene--mind you, he's completely fucked up at this point! -- like pupils the size of golf balls, slurring every third word, fucked up-- And-and then he goes on about how I'm not there for him, how I'm using him for his money! He doesn't even see how hard I work, Pope. And then he thinks he has a right to embarrass me in front of my boss!"

Pope watches as her shoulder rises and falls with her belated breathing. She's never expressed herself so animatedly around others, but he was used to it at this point. She needed this more than she knew. He's seen her breaking point of anger. Of crying? Well, oddly enough, that was always JJ.

Pope waited a full minute before responding, shuffling his weight. "I know you're not looking for a lecture, so I won't give you one. At the end of it all, I just want you to be safe and take care of yourself y/n/n. To be happy. Just maybe talk to him--set boundaries. Cuz if there's one thing I know, you're the only one who can get in Rafe's head."

Y/n took his words and pondered as the night went on. She was sent out regularly to serve drinks and greet everyone with her kook smile that she's mastered to perfection for years. When they gave her a tray of tiny appetizers, she slipped two into her mouth, rolling her eyes in pleasure. She caught a glimpse of Kiara and Sarah a few times, passing each other knowing smiles or playful winks. John B looked like a Pogue playing dress-up. He constantly mused his hair and forced a too-wide smile. Y/n slap him back a few times, forcing him to fix his posture resulting in Sarah nearly snorting into her drink in front of her parents.

And where John B goes, JJ is never far. He would try grazing her elbow to talk, but she would swerve from his touch. She felt his eyes on her more often than once but didn't fall into her feelings. They were always deceiving her otherwise, and now she couldn't tell the difference. Part of her wanted to run to him and tell him he was right for once. Every word. But she looked away, back straight in determination to not fall victim to those blue eyes.

But Pope made her time in midsummers worthwhile. Despite being a server, they could relish in the same fairy lights, the smell of the sea at night, mouth-watering hors-d'oeuvres, and wine. And Y/n's weakness would always be wine. Red. White. Strong. Bitter. Light. Sweet. She could finish it within thirty to thirty-five minutes. Quite literally, actually. JJ timed her once.

Pope's eyes did a once over any eyes in their general direction before he covertly sipped a glass of wine. Once he was sure he was in the clear, he lowered the glass to his hip than behind his back. He had to nudge Y/n a few times from where she was crouched behind him before she grabbed the wine greedily. She sipped it once, and she moaned around the beverage, the corner of her mouth lifted in delight. "Mother of--I love you so much." she cooed, already taking a few more sips.

"Love you too--"

"Not you."

Pope slapped her arm, making her nearly spill the red wine on her dress. She reacted swiftly, swapping his butt lightly, making him yelp and jerk forward. Y/n threw her head back to let the last drop of wine glide down her throat before rolling the glass under the table and covering it with the table cloth.

"I really can't wait for Mrs. Grendoll to stab through someone's foot with those heels," Y/n laughed, dizziness overcoming her head when she stood straight next to Pope. She tugged her dress down, looking around to make sure no one saw underwear.

"Then maybe they'll close it, and we can go home," Pope says, after washing his hands and wiping them on a cloth. They were now in charge of a station outside, and y/n had no shame in popping a few shrimp into her mouth before Pope could properly assort them on the tray.

"Are you kidding? Someone could legit get murdered on the dance floor, and they'd continue to act like nothing happened."

Pope tilted his head, giving her that one. His eyes flickered up from his concentration on the shrimp, a grin brightening his face. "Where do you think Rose got her outfit inspo from?"

Pope nodded in Rose's direction, laughing politely behind her glass on the porch. A golden sun-shaped headband sat atop her head, making her the summit of the party. "Virgin Mary statue? My grandma's got one in her house. Ya' know with the sun behind her head…." Y/n wiggles her fingers behind her head to mimic sunbeams.

Pope chuckled lightly, shaking his head. "I was thinking more like the sun from Raisin Bran Cereal--" Pope couldn't get through the joke fast enough, Y/n and himself laughing so hard it came out silent.

Y/n spotted another dress and rolled her eyes, not believing that people could possibly walk out like this. She slapped Pope's chest, only able to point discreetly considering she was still laughing, padding her fingers under her tear full eyes. "That has to be the ugliest dress I've ever seen in my life," Pope groaned, resuming his appetizer masterpiece. "Why did they let her walk out like that? It's child abuse."

"Okay, I won't argue with you about that but look at that suit? What color is that?"

Pope shrugs, "Maybe it's a new one."

After a plethora of comments on outfits and poor choices for Kooks, Y/n finally excused herself after consuming yet another glass of wine. She kept her head low as she swerved through the crowd and padded up the wooden steps into the country club. Her heels dug into her skin, the red pleather already chipping off with every step. She stumbled slightly in the bathroom, gripping the wall before she could slip into the toilet. She fixed her mused hair and took advantage of the deodorant and mini hand soaps she stashed into her purse. The walk back was not so simple. She had forgotten whether she took a left or right, and every hall looked the damn same, and the music was flowing through every wall, not letting her grasp a sense of direction for guidance. So she roamed aimlessly, already preparing an apology for Pope after being gone so long.

Then she took a sharp right, unable to foresee a tall man in front of her. She yelped softly, sidestepping around them before any collision. She opened her mouth to apologize but then the words caught in her throat. Her body stiffened at the sight of Rafe. He almost looked as surprised to see her as she was. But she knew she should have seen this. At least have been prepared to talk to him. Confront the situation that has been at the forefront of her mind since yesterday. Her heart was hitting her chest so hard it ached.

His voice low, almost sore, he asked if they could speak somewhere private, sullen eyes refusing to meet her own. She could read the language of the eyes just as well. She nodded meekly and followed his tall figure into an empty ballroom. It smelled of lavender, and the ghostly chill swept up her dress. The clicking of her heels echoed off the tall floor-to-ceiling windows that covered a vast majority of one of the walls. The sound of the heavy doors vibrated the floor, sounds ceasing to exist. Anything apart from their reality slipping away into thin air. When like this, nothing could pop the bubble they called their own—uninterrupted, untouched by anyone but them. The dim room was only lit by the fairy lights outside, far from the party. But it didn't stop from illuminating Rafe's face. She could see him properly now, and it was like looking through a mirror.

His blue suit fitted his body perfectly. His hair must have been gelled back but now lay over his head, tickling his eyelashes. A wave of heat came over her when a flash of recollection passed in her mind from when they shared butterfly kisses in bed to see who would break into a fit of giggles first. It was her, of course, and Rafe trailed kisses to her neck, fingers pressing into her stomach, making her squirm away from the tickle attack.

The Rafe before her was an empty shell. Hollow. Void of genuine understanding. She could peel him apart, and there would be a terrified little boy just waiting for someone to hold him. Y/n believes she's met that version of him before. When she first fell in love with him. But of course, that was someone else.

Y/n stood before one large window, her fingernails chipping at the wood. She could only hear Rafe's pacing and breathing until he cleared his throat with a sniffle,

"Listen, I just want you to know--"

"That was my boss Rafe," Y/n said lowly, keeping her voice from wobbling with broken emotion. His eyes burned into her side, begging her to let him in. To just let him kiss her and that be enough to mend a broken relationship. It was crumbling in his hands, and he was holding into it like a lifeline.

"Baby, I didn't know."

"The boss that's supposed to promote me and --and you just walking in like that fucked up my chances! Do you understand that?" Y/n whipped around to face him, her eyes glossing with unshed tears. He could see the way her jaw clenched to keep from wobbling. How much she wanted to break. Y/n wanted to scream if she was honest. Just fuck it all and leave him.

"Yes, Yes. Y/n, and I swear I'm not gonna be like that anymore." Rafe's strained voice made her let out a soft huff.

"Yeah, you've said that before, so I'm a little less liable to believe that."

Rafe winces, bringing a closed fist to his lips as he looks to the ground. "Seriously, I know that...how I acted was out of line, especially when you were working. I was just so frustrated."

"With me?" her voices cracked feebly, hands gesturing to herself.

"With everyone... I'm just so frustrated all the time, and I don't know how to fix it. But I'm going to." His words are like a promise. She lets out a quiet sigh, trying to look away as she feels the unwanted tears burning behind her eyes. Nausea overcomes her, and she feels the room closing in quickly. Then Rafe's warm hands slide up to cup the nape of her neck and lift her head with his thumb below her chin. His eyes search her intently, with purpose in hopes of finding the love she has for him. Have her grasp onto that reason alone to give him another chance. "For you. Because I don't want to lose you."

Rafe shook his head and leaned his forehead against hers, breathing her in. She feels guilty when she does the same. Her heart steadies. Rafe was familiarity. He was comfort and solace in a place where she neglected herself. He was where she felt the safest. The most loved. "You are like, the only fuckin' thing that's keeping me from going off the deep end. And I know that if I have you by my side, I can get better." he continued in a rasping tone, tears bubbling in his throat just as it was with hers. His thumb caressed her damp cheek, and she nearly cried at his affection.

"Rafe…" she breathed shakily, hands lifting up to pull him away, but his hand shoots out to grab her wrist gently while the other stays on her cheek.

"I know I've done some fucked up things, and I know that you're upset, but... we're forever... that's what we said, right?"

She feels herself sinking. Back into him the way she always did. The way she let herself be entrapped in his words. "Yeah, but--"

"We can work through it. I know that we can, we can do anything we put our minds to. That's what you told me, remember?" She knew he was aware that he had her already. Had her answer, and she could see him smiling slightly like a broken boy learning to self-soothe. She shut her eyes for a moment, taking in shallow breaths before she let herself lean into his hand. Rafe let out a breathy laugh, resting his head on hers once again. He gave her a small kiss, knowing she was still upset but forgiven.

"I'm gonna get better, and we're gonna be fine. I'm not gonna make you sad anymore," he whispered.

Suddenly, the music was heard again, and her eyes perked up to his. It was then she realized they were only in their own world when Rafe had all her focus. But she let herself lean up and placed her lips against his in forgiveness. He kissed her back with hunger, having been deprived of her for far too long.

And there they stayed for the rest of the night, slow dancing in the dark. His arms secured around her waist, the other holding her hand firmly. She leaned her head against his shoulder, kissing the bare skin of his neck before closing her eyes, letting herself succumb to her weakness like an old friend.

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