Words falling like Raindrops

where I've been

~screaming into the void~

for the past ten years

Signed,

an anyonmous internet stranger

On the floor in an empty apartment

Where she'd spent almost six years of her life

Where she'd had almost six years of growth

Of growing up

Six years of the highest highs

And the lowest lows

Here she had started out right after college

On that floor right by the door she'd cried after a fight with her boss doubting every decision she's ever made

In that tiny twin sized bed she'd folded herself into the embrace of several different boys in an attempt to keep the numbness at bay

On that couch over there she'd had friends over laughing with a glass of wine over everything and nothing

It had been a good six years she supposed within these four walls

She'd made a home for herself here

But like everything whether it was good or bad it had run its course

And now it was all gone

Packed up neatly in just a few boxes

It was odd really

She hadn't realized how easy it was to package all her memories

Her personality

Her entire life

She hadn't known it would all fit in just a few boxes

But here she was

With an empty apartment

And just a few boxes

Let the downpour clear out the air between us

For it has grown uncomfortable and stifling

So don't be afraid of the thunder rolling in the distance

That would actually solve a lot of my problems.

So please and thank you

"You left and you promised me you wouldn't do that. You promised me it would always be the two of us. The two of us against the world. You promised me we would face this world together. As a team. To broken kids who can't fulfill their parent's expectations, remember? That is what you promised me. But you left.

You left. You left. You left.

You don't need to forgive them

Even if they come crawling, begging, bawling to you, you don't.

You don't own anyone your forgiveness, your kindness, your mercy.

And even if people tell you:

forgiveness is for you

Which it is

You don't need to forgive them

You're allowed to stay angry, pissed off, fucking disappointed in them.

You're also allowed to just feel nothing.

You're allowed to move on without giving them your forgiveness.

You're allowed to do, fo feel, to act with whatever feels right for you.

Even though she'd never actually told anyone aside from strangers on the Internet that she was aromantic, probably aroace. Not because she was afraid she'd not be accepted but because explaining it sounded like a fucking chore and didn't that make her an awesome member of the alphabet warriors.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though sometimes deep in the night when she was yet again curled up alone in her bed she yearned more than anything to be held, touched, kissed, desired by someone. To be someone's special someone. Someone's first priority.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though she still had doubts sometimes. Like when she read about other asexuals hating masturbation and sex. Maybe, maybe liking that meant she wasn't? Stupid stupid stupid. It's a spectrum. But maybe, maybe actually looking forward to the date with this guy meant she wasn't aro? Stupid, stupid, stupid. You'll call it off three months later like you always do. But maybe, maybe, she was actually into girls? Yeah, no chance.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

Even though she was sometimes terrified of dying lonely and forgotten in a nursing home at the age of 90 because there was no husband, no wife, no kids. No fucking kids around.

"Happy Pride Month", she said, because she was proud. God was she proud.

And then she didn't say anything more. Just looked at the blue, blue sky streaked with white and grey clouds, a quiet smile on her face as if she was laughing at her own private joke.

I didn't answer because there was nothing to answer to.

"An odd day to pick for the sky to show such weird weather, don't you think?"

I looked at her then. At her pale blue eyes and the upturn of her lips. "Why?", I asked because this time I couldn't stay quiet.

"Because it's such a happy day, isn't it?"

When she went to work the last time

Here at this company she spent eight hours a day for the last six years

A random Wednesday

That would change her life forever

I took out a fire today

Took some water to a burning fucking car and just soaked it

I had a breathing apparatus on today

Yeah I felt pretty cool today

And did some cool good shit while feeling like a fucking hero

"I hate that apparently we as a society got so used to bubble wrapping the hard things for each other that we can't even admit that people die, that people get murdered, that people kill themselves and commit suicide.

I hate that we shy away from the topic of death and grief so much that we can't say it like it is: People die, people are dead and that sucks a lot sometimes.

And I hate that we fucking can't admit that sometimes it doesn't suck. Sometimes someone dies and it doesn't bother you. Maybe it makes you even a little glad. I hate that we as a society can't admit that that's just a fact that exists. That it's not a crime to maybe not grieve an abusive family member just like it's perfectly understandable if you actually do grieve them.

Filled with anger and frustration and hatred for the world and its people.

Filled with this deep rooted sadness and the conviction that she wasn't truly loved by anyone.

And then she looked at her nephew, watched him as he self-evidently put himself into her lap just to be close to her and she thought maybe, maybe she wasn't so bad.

If this child trusted her so naturally, trusted that she would never ever raise her voice or hand against him, maybe she was okay.

And she vowed with a conviction reserved just for him that she would make sure he never doubted himself like she did.

She would make sure that he viewed the world with hope and optimism.

And the girl smiled because clearly it was meant as a compliment. Not as a back handed insult.

She didn't mention that she'd simply learned to mask better.

That she simply realized that being quiet, being introverted, being different was viewed as being weird in this world.

Didn't mention that she'd realized she wouldn't get far in this society if she was her true self.

She didn't mention how she'd learned to keep her frustrations and her tears behind closed doors.

How she learned to be detached from her own emotions, never feeling too deeply.

Or if something did slip to wait until she was back home to break down after social situations.

She was pretty sure that wouldn't count as "being fun now."

No instead she just thanked her and said something about "growing up".