born violent

fucking christ alrighty. I'm crying pretty badly. when I review everything regarding my relationships that I was just abused in, where I waited and waited and waited on them just for them to leave, it makes me sick. I feel like what I need doesn't exist. I seriously can't even verbally express how extreme I love. yeah part of it is probably the fact that I have bpd - I physically feel deeper than most people. and idk. if I need someone who I can actually see consistently and/or live with fairly quickly, I feel like she doesn't exist. I can't stay in this house. I'm seriously getting worse. my doctor was actually seriously concerned about my decline and the more stress/the more I get abused → the more cortisol is in my body → the more severe my illnesses and pain get. I actually was so much better when I wasn't here for a month but I had to be around someone I hated and didn't feel safe with. I hated him, yet I was so much better because I was out of here. I need to know that when I date someone new, we're actually going to live together fairly soon. I don't date for fun either so maybe that's an issue. I date to marry. I just feel like if I wasn't being abused and if I wasn't covered in scars and if I didn't have chronic pain and if I didn't need someone who I could live with/move in with fairly quickly then yeah, I think it'd be easy to find someone, all things considered.

I also hate that if I were to date someone again, sadly a huge requirement is that it'd be an absolute fact, 100%, that we'd move in together fairly soon and that we'd actually see each other. I spent over 7.5 years total in long distance relationships. two separate people and both of them seriously fucked me up. I am also being abused so badly in this house but since I can't work, my mom is chronically ill and severely disabled, and my brother is disabled, my dad - who is the one who is genuinely abusing me to no end (sexually, physically, emotionally/mentally, all of it.) - is the only person who has income. he owns the cars. all the bills are in his name and he's the only one who knows the passwords, log ins, etc. the rent/lease is his name. everything is under his name. if we got police involved, we would go homeless and with our needs, we'd literally die. we have no family to go to and no homeless shelter is made for chronically ill or disabled people. so yeah. there are some things you just can't call the police on because it would make it so much worse.

don't exactly wanna start a habit of getting high just to cope. but I'm also bordering five months clean of self injury. don't know what's worse haha. both I don't want. also my ex left me multiple times because of my sh. I kept being told shit like the efforts my ex put into our relationship weren't being acknowledged in the way I treated my safety. like ???? I warned you from day one inmight never recover, especially while I'm stuck in this horrible and abusive situation at home. you already left me once over it prior to saying that. I also got threatened repeatedly to be left bc of my other coping skills. like. I'm in a house where I get screamed at and slapped daily. I was molested by my dad, who has also restrained me, beat me, locked me in a room for 24+ straight hours, and so much more. I literally have to fight just to get food. my mom has been chronically ill since I was a child and wasn't even around for a decent part of my childhood and I am now her caretaker despite barely being able to do much for myself. I am treated horribly and I genuinely don't know how I have survived here in this house for this long but i can barely take it anymore. on top of that, everything else I have to deal with. of course I'm going to fall into these coping skills. how am I expected to survive this shit? you want me to take a deep breath after I get beat??? or draw after I get molested??? like?! what do you want me to fucking DO???? especially when you had been saying for years you'd get me out of here and move me in with you bc you love me so much and want me safe and then you just never even TRIED.

I'm hitting the point of a bpd episode and idk what to do with myself. I hate it. haven't you spent 5+ years in dbt therapy? haven't you heard your own miserable thoughts for way too fucking long? how do you NOT know what to do??

I don't know why I even try with this anymore. like, I'm aware the response I'm going to get. or, the lack thereof for the most part. every time I see your notification, I either feel sick or like bashing my head into a wall.

the effort to get this prescription going is making me hate being an adult. called the pharmacy but they needed a prior auth so I call my doctor's office. they say they'll send it but it goes to insurance. they call me back, say it's sent. I call my insurance but they give me a different number for it. so I call them. they say they got it but it could takes days so I have to give my doctor the state office number to expedite it. so I call the office and give it to them. now I'm waiting