when i was a kid i had a fish and after a year it died. but i refused to tell my parents it died til, i fuck u not, it started to decay. i kept my dead fish a secret until finally my dad noticed and very gently informed me sheād died. i knew. i just couldnāt let her go.
i would Not let my parents flush her down the toilet. i begged them to let me bury her in the backyard. but when my dad went to pour out the water in her tank, she moved. like, she shifted with the water. remember she was literally decaying. visible bones. i sobbed that she was ALIVE. i could not let that fish go.
my cat iāve had for 12 years is dying. but every time she has a good moment. when sheās lying on my chest and purring. when sheās sleeping. the few times she nibbles some food. i swear sheās going to get better. itās almost like i canāt see the massive tumor eating her leg and rib cage.
maybe sheāll get better (the vet says she wonāt). maybe iām giving up too soon (iāve already held on to her a month longer than the vet said i should). maybe she doesnāt want to die yet (she barely eats).