YOUR MIND WILL C O L L A P S E.

you know, (name), i can’t help wondering. is it ever gonna get that good for me?

the only difference between you and that greaseball is that he has a license and you don’t.

don’t include me in your obsession. 

this is the most oppressive environment a child can be raised in.

do you ever wonder what kind of car some of these babes would lose their virginity in?

you never cease to amaze me.

oh, i’ve bumped into her a million times. she’s never bumped into me once.

you don’t own me, women have rights in this country.

i happen to go to school with these kids. i have friends here.

i think that i can find my own way home, thank you.

if you’re wondering about saturday night, i just remembered. i already have a date.

you have a date? with who?

well you’re in luck, lover boy, ‘cause she’s sitting down right over there.

go on, ask her! if you’re lucky, she’ll bite.

that is the girl of my dreams.

i have to ask you for a favor, and you can say no, but i will never ever ask you for another favor for as long as i live.

you know that’s a lie.

hop in, i’ll give you a lift.

last night, at the party, you kinda mentioned something about me and you maybe going out saturday night. anyway, i was just wondering if it was still on?

how could you do it, (name)? what were you thinking about?

not only did you break your explicit promise to me…

just please, please put yourself in my shoes.

this is a complete waste of time.

i mean how different can you and your twin sister actually be?

last name first, first name last.

i was kinda thinking about maybe going to my room and taking a little nap, i’m exhausted.

this is the greatest day of my life.

i’m not sure if uh, being behind the wheel of the car is the right place for me to be right now.

we’re drinking a toast. to you.

actually i’m a little lonely.

i thought that we had a date tonight and i figured i’d call you since you hadn’t called me.

so you haven’t changed your mind about tonight, have you?

what could possibly go wrong?

he was a jerk, anyways. i don’t even know why i hung around him.

let me tell ya, i know a quiet spot with plenty of free parking.

sorry i dragged you into all of this.

i don’t usually act like this.

all we’re missing now is some soft, romantic music.

wait. aren’t you drinking rather heavily?

you don’t look too good.

to live in fear is to not live at all.

nothing’s gonna happen to us. we’re juveniles.

and there you were, rescuing me.

somehow you’re always there to hold me like you are right now.

i’m sorry i was such a sleepyhead tonight. 

❛ and the worst part is, i don’t even have my holy water! ❜ 

❛ you escaped the clutches of yet another demon. ❜ 

❛ there may very well be a hot dog vendor in chicago who is a bigfoot. ❜     

❛ demons, you cowards! ❜ 

❛ this is like satan’s cement butt hole. ❜ 

❛ i think your douche meter is usually half mast but right now it’s about three quarters full. ❜ 

❛ i think a moon having a boner is about as realistic as ghosts. ❜ 

❛ well the only way to really provoke them is to provoke them! ❜     

❛ i think the ground is cleaner than this couch. ❜ 

❛ holy shit, it’s a jacuzzi tub! ❜ 

❛ i stole them off a woman who died on the titanic! ❜ 

❛ no, no, no, you’re going to scare the ghosts away. ❜ 

❛ if i see people taller than me, i get concerned about them because i think they’re gonna die. . young. ❜ 

❛ jesus christ, do you always have to insult the ghosts at the place we’re at? ❜ 

❛ if george clooney was on the tonight show and you set him on fire, one of his feet would burn and the other one would probably still be planted there on the floor in a very nice shoe — clooney’s flammable. ❜ 

❛ i’ve always gotta’ think about stuff, y’know? like this mannequin in this tub, what’s he doing here? ❜ 

❛ hey demons, it’s me, ya’ boy. ❜ 

❛ it is a very old piece of footage, but so is die hard — still good. ❜ 

❛ so it was aliens? they showed up, gave ‘em ipads, gave ‘em a zune, built the pyramids, left, and that’s it? ❜ 

❛ stop telling the ghosts to follow me home. ❜ 

❛ oh so you’re going to make me sit in the shitty chair? ❜ 

❛ this guy has been inhaling too many cat shit fumes. ❜     

❛ i took an improv comedy class once, ‘cause i’m a white guy. ❜ 

❛ i just got startled by a disco ball. ❜ 

❛ maybe this ghost just loves to blaze it. ❜ 

❛ just, to be fair, fuck christopher columbus. ❜ 

❛ i’m not doing this because i want to steal, i‘m doing this because i want to give the ghosts significant reason to haunt me. ❜ 

❛ hey ghouls! the boys are here. ❜ 

❛ i think everyone needs a hobby, and if you don’t have one, that’s when you’re probably gonna start killing people. ❜ 

❛ i wasn’t fat-shaming bigfoot! ❜         

❛ this is what happens when people are passive aggressive full-time. ❜ 

❛ ghost 101: one, knock book off shelf. week two, hold a candlestick in the middle of a hallway. three…sheets. ❜ 

❛ it looks like one of the conjuring films. ❜ 

❛ anytime you get uneasy, that’s me! ❜ 

❛ if there were a town full of me in the puritan times, we’d have landed on the moon in 1790. ❜ 

❛ we’re just two guys sitting in a tub. ❜ 

❛ demons! you’re not trying hard enough — plunge us into darkness! ❜     

❛ you gotta’ fuckin’ calm down, man. ❜ 

❛ why is it someone who chokes on a peanut doesn’t get a ghost? ❜ 

❛ i think it’s a little bit more fun to believe that humans are capable of some truly horrific things. ❜ 

❛ i’m exposing my cranium to you. ❜     

❛ there’s a good chance tonight is the night you see me die on camera. ❜ 

❛ shadows do tend to follow you though, that’s how they work. ❜ 

❛ this is gonna get a little morbid, but who’s to say that a burning body doesn’t smell like barbecue? ❜ 

❛ i didn’t even get to do all the things on my bucket list. ❜ 

❛ i don’t wanna be a ghost hunter, this is all bullshit! ❜ 

❛ you keep tricking me into talking to them, you fuckin’ dickhead! ❜ 

❛ spooky, huh? ❜ 

❛ is it very european to — to burst into flames? ❜ 

❛ and i guess this is where we’re fuckin’ sleeping because we’re idiots. ❜