Insert cool pun here

Erika Denya:

Some weird ass old lady who keeps insisting she’s “staying in the inn temporarily” with her kid while her husband “takes a lucrative business contract out of town” and she “house hunts for a place near him,” whatever the fuck that means. Maybe I’d believe her if she didn’t sit in the tavern at fucking midnight wearing ‘jewelry’ I couldn’t pawn off for shit (and I tried) to apply for jobs and ask me what a sweet innocent little girl like me should be doing up at this hour. I’ve got a better question for her; has she ever said anything correct literally once in her life? I don’t know- someone could place a glass of water in front of her and she’d insist it’s a beautiful bright blue ocean with rainbow dolphins swimming around and giggling in it or something. I mean, the old man could too, but at least he’d say it’s some stupid fucking complex metaphor instead of the objective truth. The objective truth is that not only is every word that spouts out of her mouth fucking bullshit, it’s also creepy as hell. I swear, that woman could star in a horror movie as the monster- and not even in a cool way.

Toshimitsu Denya:

Bluejay Morningstar:

At least, that’s what he’s forced us to call him. He calls himself a “nomad, wandering wherever the winds take him” and this hellhole “one small stop on his greater spiritual journey.” I don’t know what the fuck he thinks he’s yapping about- this pathetic loudmouth’s “spiritual journey” thus far has reaped nothing but stupid quips, a rock collection which he filled two suitcases with moving in, an album of mediocre guitar music, and quite possibly the worst book of poetry I have ever seen. Seriously- if I listened to anyone’s dumbass opinion, it would be that of the publishers who rejected him. I have no idea how or why the old man tolerates his dumbass readings about how tragic it was when he hit that deer with his RV and still decides to pay him to be a chef- I get through his yapping by remembering that, at the very least, he’s the only person in this place who knows how to cook a decent meal.

Yoko Takeuchi:

Naomi Sakurai:

A prime example of why I refuse to join any sort of gang. I don’t even know why she started coming here without her gaggle of bitches- they’re basically her entire personality. When she’s not talking about some one-night stand she had or a guy she’s ‘talking to,’ she’s talking about them- their petty squabbles, their scattering all over the country for job opportunities or some shit, their dumbass drama over who’s going to be maid of honor at their weddings.

I can’t be bothered with shit like that. I don’t know why she is- no, I do! She’s a shallow, conniving bitch who would cry if her 20000 Yen nails were chipped.

Zimo Yuan:

Keiko Shimizu:

Basically, the concept of wimpiness personified. I’m pretty sure she thinks literally everything and everyone is out to get her. I’ve seen her jump away from a baby in a stroller. Hell, when we met her, the old man and I had to calm her down from screaming because instead of getting home by 4 o’clock sharp like her parents had instructed she’d gotten lost on her way home from school in one of the ‘bad parts of town,’ and she knew this, because, and I quote, “that girl has piercings and- and is that devil’s juice behind the counter?” Despite being convinced we’re demonic or something, she’s been coming back to this place ever since. Apparently, she told her parents this place was fibre arts club, and the old man backed her up.

…She may be a wimp most of the time, but l’ll give her this; when push comes to shove, Shimizu’s got mad guts.

Hector Mallari:

Almost every day, this guy comes to the tavern in the lobby, sits down at a booth in the corner, asks for a bag of microwave popcorn (which apparently the old man keeps stocked specifically for him) and a black coffee. Then, usually without saying another word, he takes his laptop and a ridiculously large pile of paperwork and studies. I’m pretty sure he’s a pre-med student with a minor in computer science at the local university or something. I’m also pretty sure he sleeps about twice a week. When he does talk, it’s usually to complain about shitty professors and general exhaustion.