The Heavy Place

Hm. Battle plan. Ok. Step 1′s. Maybe I can do this.

Awright! Good talk! Now let’s see what’s next.Hurray day 1, lets see day 2

Lets the steps listen next time the void calls

I seriously am so sick of assholes getting away with being assholes and paying no price for it. It makes me angry, it makes me sick and the more it happens, the more I wana say fuck it and step in and just slap the holy living taste outte these asshole’s mouths. And I’m not talking on some one-on-one quensbury rules throw hands and shake after type shit. I’m talking dirty fight, take a bat to knees from behind, choke out followed by face stomp when they’re put to sleep type shit. These scumbags aren’t the type to learn a lesson or change their ways from an ass beating, especially not a straight up one. I’m talking strictly karmic scales balancing vengeance.And I feel  like I’d take pleasure in inflicting such righteous and justified violence on a deserving target. And that’s not like me. I generally speak peace, avoid violence and confrontation and feel for fellow man(kind). But our society lately and the shit I’ve been exposed to and dealing with lately...it makes a man want to snap. And they’d call me crazy after the fact but I feel like letting shit happen is the crazier response. I’m not on some billy badass, oo be scared of me because I could do damage, cringe factor asshole shit, I promise. It just hits my soul when I see good people not treated with what I consider common human decency while the person inflicting that disrespect are not only getting off on acting like an asshole but paying no price and sometimes even being condoned or encouraged. It makes me want to give up on people. And if I give up, there’s not much left for me but to act out and suffer my own consequences for it. Karma never really evens out when you inflict vengeance but same time, if justice isn’t served, the maniacs will run the asylum. I dunno. It bothers me how badly I’d love to get physical, the shivers when I think of the feeling of violent contact, the self righteous fury that continues to build with no outlet. I just hope I dont make any mistakes/poor decisions any time soon. I really do.

Had a video appointment with my new med doc today. My old one retired which was a bummer, I liked her. New doc seems cool tho. But it was a hard convo. Never fun telling a stranger how you’ve been suicidal lately, even if theyre a doctor. Then going into past history, attempts, recent triggers, all that fun stuff doc needs to know to do their doctor thing. Did manage to get my meds switched back to the fluoxetine which was treating me better than the effexor I’m currently on so that’s a plus. As usual, the convo also came with plenty of advice that I SHOULD take but probably won’t. The usual therapy recommendation which I’ve always had problems with because of scheduling and the fact that I have a hard time reaching out for help so I question how much I would really put into therapy. And lets face it, you get out what you put in. She also suggested a few classes which seemed more tempting. But the heavy one was her suggesting an intensive outpatient program. It seems like something that I could really benefit from but they meet 3 times a week from 9 to 1130. Even if my job was cool with me working half days 3 days a week, I don’t know if I could deal with the paycut that it would require. That’s more than 10 hours a week I’d be missing, 20 hours a paycheck. It doesn’t matter how “good for me” it could be, I don’t know if I could keep paying my bills if I lost 20 hours a paycheck. So I have to decide between my mental health and my financial stability. Fuuuuuuck me. I got some thinking to do and some numbers to crunch.

Some real talk right here. Def hit close to home.

If that aint one of the most nail-on-the-head ass posts ive ever seen....

“I don’t think a writer could ever commit suicide, do you? (Pffft, ok that was some bullshit but hang on) A writer would be too busy working on the note all god damn year. Trying to get it juuust right. First draft, second draft, 3rd revision, whole new ending. Finally hed turn it into a book proposal and have a reason to live.”  HA! Fuck me if “the note” hasnt caused me issues just like that. Trying to get it right, trying to balance everything out, trying not to blame anyone. The number of times Ive come up with a buncha reasons to stick around while trying to finish that fucking note...I mean hell. It’s so absurd, you have to laugh.  Right?

Some days i wake up on time, use the bathroom, get dressed and head to work on time. Other days, i wake up in pain because i woke up again. Those days, i have to work to stop crying and struggle to pull the gun outta my mouth so that i can roll into some clothes off the pile and stumble into work. Those days are harder to be on time. When youre bawling and can taste the carbon inside the barrel, its harder to keep track of time n thats usually why im late. Somehow ive managed to put it down, wipe the tears and keep moving day after day. But its a lot. And its notnlike they dont notice my tardiness at work. But i dont tell anyone because i dont want their looks, their pity, their answers to my problems. Ssme time, im dying to just break down and admit this to someone, anyone, just because walking around everyday carrying tjis shit by yourself is...exhausting. i just want it to stop. But it wont. So i need to figure out what to do or one of these days, i wont be making it to work. Im sorry, momma.