༺ Welcome To My Twisted FairyTale ༻

kiss me hard before you go

Uncle Joe is not here for the fuckery

These are my favorite

“man ur such a pussy” a jock says to me. i laugh. “well,” i begin, looking up at him and popping the collar of my jean jacket, “like they say,” everyone waits in anticipation, “u are what u eat.” the jock dies instantly, the crowd cheers, obama is there,

It’s true I was the jean jacket

This makes me laugh so hard EVERYTIME

I almost sent this to the chair of my department once.

*showers to avoid responsibilities*

a weapon to surpass metal gear

do you want to try prime

yeah lemme just Wash my Dishes before i put them in the DishWasher that makes sense

if you don’t clean off the real bad crusty bits the dishwasher can’t clean em right its a collaborative effort

fuck outta here wwith your weak ass dishwasher 

oh check mr fancy here and his fukkin power washer better be careful that thing doesn’t blast the decorations off your fukkin china if its so good