NYCTOPHILI-C

I don't know why some parents would want to emotionally torment their children because the child would never be perfect. I know we're all perfectionists here. I know we all would want to have a perfect life. Who doesn't?

I'm not supposed to be sharing this. I'm not supposed to be making an outlet out of a stupid social networking site. But some acts needed to be reciprocated by the other side so it will be fair.

I'm immature, I know that. I'm just one of those silly teenagers who makes an excuse of the fact that I'm on this age, this part of my life. Sometimes I make good decisions, sometimes I don't. My emotions are easily affected by what's happening around me.

But I don't see the reason why I have to wake up every single day feeling incompetent and undeserving of this life I have just because my father would never fail to point out not the good things, but the flaws I will always have.

My father was once my role model. I grew up with him, after all. He raised me when my mother was away, trying to make a living on a country miles away. I always looked up to him. Well, he was my father, after all. He was my parent. I loved him so much, because he was there, ever since I was young.

Perhaps it was my immaturity at present that became the cause of such grudge growing inside me. Suddenly, he wasn’t so much of a father to me. Suddenly, I couldn’t find where my father was, the one who was once so proud of my achievements.

Today, I can’t see him in the body of the man who now lives under the same roof as I.

I don’t know what happened, either.

Now I’m just looking at the shell of a broken man who also threatens to destroy me.

I recall him once saying, “I don’t need a smart child. I need someone with respect.” (Hindi ko kailangan ng matalinong anak. Ang kailangan ko yung marunong rumespeto.) But where is the man I must respect? Is it with the man I used to idolize because of how cool of a father he is, or is it with the man who claims himself to be a father, yet never failed to show how incompetent I am as a person? Is it with the man who was once so strong, I looked up to him because of such courage he had, or is it with the man who is now easily swayed by his own frustrations to the point that he vents it out even to his own children?

I had a favorite quote. I posted it more than once in facebook, actually.

“Respect is for those who deserves it, not for those who demands for it.”

The memory of his threat of how easily he can end my life because I’m only his child remains and will always remain raw in my own memory. I don’t know, but that one statement coming for him will always be there. I never once thought I’d hear it from my own father. I honestly thought such things only happened in dramas. I thought wrong.

I don’t think I can ever look at him the same way again.

Three months ago, I ‘ran away’ from home. I stayed with my grandmother. I don’t think I was ever allowed such luxury to actually properly breathe until that very day. It felt nice. Suddenly I can focus on a lot of things. Suddenly, I was able to pick myself up. In terms of studies. In terms of handling my own emotions. I was so relieved. But such luxury was short-lived, and suddenly here I am, facing my own nightmare again, trying to survive everyday despite how tiring it could be.

All those ramblings and it’ll all end with me saying how I’m not perfect. I don’t think I ever deserved to be maltreated for being an unwanted child. I don’t think I deserved to be unappreciated. I dont think I deserve to constantly feel like a person who can never be enough in her eyes of her own parents just because I’m deemed as a teenager who’s “irresponsible” and “lazy”.

I’m actually very hardworking. It just doesn’t come out as the obvious sometimes.

To my parents… please relieve me of this undying thought of how I’ll never be enough to you.