I feel super out of practice with putting my thoughts to paper. But ever since I decided to go back to therapy, Iāve been wanting to get back into the practice of more consistent and intentional self-reflection.
Some revelations and notes I took from this weekās session:
- I couldnāt even stop to consider the ratio of days I genuinely liked my job (in terms of its mission, and the occasional āmindlessnessā of it all), to the days I felt it not fulfilling, because the main question that occupies my mind is āhow can I even stay afloat here?ā. Even if there could be redeeming qualities about my current job, itās impossible to appreciate them fully because I am overwhelmed with responsibility (this feels somewhat related to Maslowās hierarchy of needs...)
With regards to the anxiety I feel, about potentially leaving this current job, only to come into a similar situation, or worse:
- When looking for a new job, make sure to really dig into understanding the nature of the job, and what the position will entail. Thatās something I felt I didnāt have a completely full picture of when I joined by current company. I could benefit from challenging myself more to connect with current employees in the role Iām applying for, looking to the future.
- Worst case scenario is that Iām back into a similar situation where workload and stress is high, and I feel that my wishes and needs as a human being arenāt being respected - then Iād actually be no worse off than I am now if that were to happen. Evidence shows that I can manage this, and I can say that Iāve been through that before if that were to happen. This threat shouldnāt deter me from making a self-honoring decision to explore a new job opportunity.
- My decision to keep working here is a strategic one. Even if itās ātoxicā, I wouldnāt necessarily want to leave without a good plan in place. I can remind myself that this is something I can ātolerateā with reason.
- Even if work feels intolerable sometimes, at most this seems to happen 1-2 weeks a month. That translates to 25-50% of the time (not a majority). I have evidence that shows that Iāve still survived the intolerable weeks.
- With regards to fear of being fired: past experience suggests that even if I miss a deadline or two, it doesnāt seem to be a hard requirement to stay employed. For many, itās simply a part of the corporate ācultureā - everyoneās overworked and has too much on their plate.
When I canāt stop the thoughts from happening:
- I can change how I regard the thoughts
- Sometimes, our thoughts donāt give us any useful information for the future to begin with. When it comes to anxiety filled moments, often what weāre not able to stand are the thoughts we generate - not the actual lived experiences. We make predictions in our mind without realizing it, and we decide to believe them. Worst case scenario, the predictions may come true - even so, more often than not we learn to manage, and forget to give ourselves credit for it.
- Be realistic about the present, while understanding the evidence of the past.















