Rediscovering Intention and Healing through Lists āļø
I have a lot of mixed feelings working in a hospital that is in the heart of the second wave (or, the true first wave). There is an article about my hospital making its way around social media. Itās a strange feeling seeing the faces of my my friends and colleagues ā photos from this article ā being shared on the timelines of those from various stages of my life, high School, college, prior jobs, etc. My two worlds are meshing in an uncomfortable way, and Iām not sure if I should acknowledge it, or look away.
As a black woman, Iāve often responded to pressures to be everything to everyone, and try my hardest not to let anyone down. Iāve relied on routine lists to make that happen. In quarantine, Iāve subconsciously put even firmer systems in place that would keep me from allowing the stress of these uncertain times slow me down. For the first few weeks I found myself trying to stick with my same routines āĀ Giving 100% each and every moment at work, exercising daily at home or going for long runs, coordinating regular zoom sessions with friends, staying up to date with the news so I could inform my family, and of course squeezing in time to be a wife.
This is borderline unmanageable on the day to day, and I quickly realized in quarantine it was just unsustainable. Work has been DIFFERENT, the volume has increased and the needs are so much more. It does not help that many of those getting seriously ill are brown and black folk like me.Ā Add that to all of the planning, coordinating, organizing trying to maintain the perfect schedule ā I could not maintain this added load even though it brought me so much joy. The schedule slipped away from me, I became more of a recluse as a result. I felt guilty for not keeping up my level of enthusiasm from the first few weeks, and beat myself up for it.
Gradually, I slept more, snacked too much, and plopped on the couch for an hours long nap after work as the days bled together. Soon, I began having more aches and pains to the point it was painful in my hips and back to even sit upright. I was so fatigued that I stopped walking Duke. I was either missing most of my meals, or eating until I was about to burst. My husband snapped me out the spiralā not only was I being a human lump, I was seriously losing wife points.
My spark to change was inspired by revising my New Years resolution: To be more intentional with my time, and to rediscover my hobbies. Iāve decided change perspective on my New Years resolution, and focus on using it towards healing.Ā
Hereās my healing list:
Iāve stopped working out ā I KNOW, thatās a big step for me as someone who was religious in Orangetheory twice a week and lifting weights 2-3 other days. Iāve focused on regular visits to the chiropractor. My first adjustment was crazy, I had no idea my body was so out of wack! I know there is conflicting research about chiropractic care, but I love mine because he is also a nurse practitioner, so he is able to navigate the medical side as well. The TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) treatments are the best. I nearly have my full range of motion back.Ā
Iāve started watching trash TV ā Iāve realized I need more time to detach. I generally try to watch intellectually stimulating shows or documentaries, and listening to podcasts about current events or analyzing life situations. I realized that all this was doing was giving me more mental work. Curling up to a show like āLove Is Blindā was a guaranteed way to take my mind off of things for a few hours.Ā
Iāve allowed myself to snack ā Iāve struggled with food for most of my life, and Iāve also given myself permission to accept that this tendency is going to resurface in times of stress.Ā At first I would beat myself up for not adhering to my general healthy diet. By giving myself permission to cheat, Iāve been able to normalize snacking. I donāt feel the need to rush through snack before the guilt hits, and because of this have had an easier time stopping when satisfied.Ā
Iāve cancelled my zoom happy hoursā To be honest, I really miss my girlfriendsā weekly zoom happy hours from early quarantine (friends, if youāre reading this, call me!). But as work has picked up and the days have become very long, making time for these happy hours took away the time and attention I could give to my mini-family. My marriage was FEELING it. I realized that the energy I was putting into these hangouts really needed to be diverted to my husband, and this was a difficult conclusion to come to. Of course, I still need to be there for my girls. Iāve started scheduling texting times, usually in the mornings or weekend afternoons, where I can check in. Iāve also started calling friends while doing other tasks, usually driving home or putting away laundry. Itās not the perfect solution, but it allows me to still be there and nurture these friendships in an era where my time is very limited.
Iāve started leaving work early ā and by early, I mean on time. Yāall know the feeling. Early in quarantine, my manager gave us the ability to work from home up to 3 times a week. Since then, Iāve worked from home a whopping 5 days. Iāve always found a way to convince myself for come in. But as restrictions have mounted (we are now required to wear full face shield in addition to masking), Iāve realized that my safety needs to come first. I am working on modifying my schedule to come in early and round on my patients, going home to complete my charts in an effort to minimize hospital exposure. I have also been better about working from home at least once a week.
Iāve stopped watching the news ā this one speaks for itself. I am exposed to enough trauma, no need to let it into my home as well.
Iāve started writing again ā this one also speaks for itself! I realized that my dream of being a writer can flourish during quarantine. I am committing to writing something ā anything āĀ daily. Now that I have secured a career I love, I am working on chasing the dream Iāve always desired!Ā
Iāve stopped trying to do it all āĀ At work and in my personal life, I am always the first to volunteer, whether it be my thoughts to the conversation, my time to creating a project or program, or my dissent on behalf of others. My mama will tell you I am VERY opinionated. As a black woman, it takes a lot of energy not to look angry and black, annoyed and black, loud and black, especially when voicing opposition in the workplace. I donāt always do it right, but I definitely always expend a lot of energy trying to. Lately, Iāve just stopped. Iāve started sitting silently, ignoring the calls for volunteers even though I can feel the eyes on me. Iāve stopped going out of my way to be super helpful. Iāve redirected the energy I use to go above and beyond with others inward. Of course, Iām being cordial, cooperative, and a team player as always. I just canāt be anymore than that right now, and Iāve given myself permission to be okay with that. Iāve also given myself permission to keep my opinions to myself (which Iām sure many in my life are happy about LOL). Taking this step back has had a monumental impact on my happiness at work in these times where there is very little I can control. One day Iāll have my hands back in all of those pots, but for now Iām riding in the back seat.
What is your healing list? Comment below!