Shiny Sparkling Swirling Spires!

King Dedede hummed as he sat down on the leather armchair, he could feel himself sink into its luxurious cushioning. He clasped his hands together in delight as he looked around the room. To King Dedede who lived in an environment of excessive decadence Meta Knight’s private quarters that held a stylistic fusion of steel nautical and cozy aristocracy. From the dark wood furniture, wine red rug and decorative throw pillows, and the black leather armchair and couch it was a pleasing and comfortable environment. Meta Knight seldom allowed people into his private quarters. It not only was a refuge from the stresses and demands but his personal living space. It was where he disrobed and rested each night, read books, and even assembled miniature models of high-end aircrafts and artillery tanks in little glass containers.  It was a private place just for him and only for him.

Until now.

It was another of their date nights and it was King Dedede's turn to choose what the two would do. Excitedly, he insisted on him and Meta Knight having a romantic night in. Originally they had planned to spend the night at King Dedede's castle like they always had but a growing curiosity caused King Dedede to beg Meta Knight to spend it as his place. Meta Knight originally hesitated, citing that it would be cramped and that his personal quarters would be dusty and he lacked the modern technology that would keep King Dedede entertained but King Dedede expressed no issue with being closer to Meta Knight, he doesn't mind a little dust, and that Meta Knight would be all the entertainment he needed. Such phrasing went over Meta Knight's head. At 6:00 PM sharp King Dedede arrived with an overnight bag at the Battleship Halberd's complex and was quickly let inside and escorted by Meta Knight herself.

"Aha, so this is what yer place looks like! An' you said I wouldn't like it" King Dedede said as he looked around.

Meta Knight’s private quarters looked like a high end studio apartment. The living area where King Dedede sat and Meta Knight stood was modest in that it was an armchair and sofa with a dark oak coffee table on top of a red rug. On the sofa laid two decorative pillows, the same wine red as the rug. Next to the coffee table was a modest tea cart that had a single element heater, tea bags, sugar packets, and small individually packaged cookies. The walls of the living area were lined with bookcases carrying a plethora of books, framed photos, folders, clipped documents, and knick-nacks. The living area led directly into Meta Knight's study which was made up of a large expensive looking desk and an equally large and expensive chair, the desk was completely clean save for a lone pen. King Dedede's eyes glanced to the half-wall that separated the combined living area and study from Meta Knight’s bed. It was an uncharacteristically comfortable looking king-sized bed with a thick navy blue comforter and several soft looking pillows. Next to the bed was a small table that had an alarm clock and an empty glass. In the corner stood an empty armor stand and next to it an empty rack for Galaxia. Finally, there was a small door that King Dedede assumed led to the bathroom because of the hamper sitting next to it.

"Ah, yes..." Meta Knight said as he sat down himself. "I do try to keep it orderly, clean, and functional. I do not spend much time here either other than sleeping." He unclasped his mask, setting it on the coffee table and sighed as cool air hit his face.

"Huh!? How couldn’t you!? It's so comfortable in here." 

"Is it truly? It is usually considered stuffy by my crew." Meta Knight asked with a head tilt.

King Dedede shook his head as he leaned into Meta Knight with a grin. "Nah, I think yer' place is sweet. It's a lil' cramped but that's no big deal. "

"Oh. Well thank you." Meta Knight replied quietly, he neither leaned or pulled away from the touch.

King Dedede took no offense to Meta Knight's reaction. He knew Meta Knight wasn’t the explicitly lovey dovey type and preferred to show his affection in a more reserved and traditional manner. Thinking about it conflicted King Dedede. On one hand it meant King Dedede was treated like a gentleman. Meta Knight would offer a bouquet flowers every time for their dates, pull out his chair, open the doors, and more gentlemanly acts that made King Dedede's face flush. He was kind, thoughtful, and sweet to him in ways nobody else was. It was an aspect of Meta Knight King dearly treasured. King Dedede looked down at Meta Knight. His adorable blue face in a subtle resting pout that ever so slightly made his lower lip push out, Meta Knight’s milky white eyes met King Dedede's with a curious glance before averting. It was unfair King Dedede thought with a huff. How could he not want all of Meta Knight when he was so unintentionally tempting? Unfortunately for King Dedede, their sex life was  a dry field with meager crops. 

It wasn’t as if they never had sex or that Meta Knight wasn't against sex completely. Far from it. The two would get up to having sex maybe once or twice a month. Three if King Dedede was particularly lucky.  However while King Dedede viewed their tryst with bubbly excitement Meta Knight treated the affair with grave intensity and embarrassment. It had to be sufficiently late into the night, the lights had to be completely off, and Meta Knight purse his lips so as to not make a single sound. Physically, he wouldn’t make any effort to properly reciprocate and end up leaving King Dedede to doing all of the work leaving to a very one sided physical relationship that left King Dedede searching for scraps. At least he wasn’t so reserved in his non-sexual romantics but it left King Dedede to wonder if Meta Knight even had a libido to speak of. Crass humor, lewd discussions, and other such things made Meta Knight go red with embarrassment and would usually end with Meta Knight telling King Dedede to shut up before changing the topic. Meta Knight’s reserved nature and perceived innocence only made King Dedede want him more, he was a trouble maker like that after all.

"Dedede." Meta Knight said.

"Huh? Uh, yes, Meta Knight?"

"You are staring at me." Meta Knight replied, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Ah! Sorry bout that, couldn’t help myself." King Dedede sputtered.

"Hm. It is... It is fine. Stare if you wish." Meta Knight said, his cheeks gently turing red.

He loved it when he did that, King Dedede thought. So sensitive. Meta Knight was always sensitive about his face, even just staring at it, staring in his eyes to be more specific was enough to fluster him. The way his white eyes would shift and sparkle would always entrance King Dedede to stare further. King Dedede lowered himself, leaning into Meta Knight's face.

Meta Knight simply stared back, his eyes focused on King Dedede’s. 

King Dedede's face came closer... and closer... and closer...

"A-ah...! I have to, I have to go shower. I have been in this armor all day." Meta Knight sputtered, his face red. He quickly stood up, moving away from King Dedede. 

King Dedede watched as Meta Knight made a bee-line for the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him and leaving his mask behind. The penguin king sighed with a grimace as he leaned back in the chair. He placed his hands over his eyes in frustration. He loved Meta Knight but the man truly knew how to ruin a good mood with his own insecurities. After a while King Dedede could hear the shower begin to run and decided it would be a good time to change himself.

King Dedede removed his robe, hanging it on the back of the armchair. He then meticulously undid his obi and lowered the layers of his silk kimono to the floor in a pile. King Dedede arched his back and stretched, pulling his shoulders back. He stepped out of the pile of expensive silk cloths and made his way to his overnight bag laid by the door of Meta Knight's private quarters. King Dedede picked up and unzipped the bag, pulling out a simple looking night gown and a night cap. He pulled the night gown over his head and then smoothed it out along his belly before affixing the night cap to his crown. Now that he was dressed for bed, he moved toward the pile of his kimono and obi and began to fold them up neatly before placing them on the seat of the arm chair. 

Now King Dedede was bored and with boredom came curiosity. The penguin kink looked around the room curiously. This was a first. He never really got a chance to see Meta Knight’s private space up until now. It was uncharted territory ripe for snooping and fun discoveries. He rubbed his hands together and grinned mischievously, since Meta Knight was too busy showering to spend time with him he would have to busy himself somehow.

King Dedede started with the bookcase. He absentmindedly read off the titles of the shelved books. There were several atlases from different planets and one that contained maps of areas on Popstar, string bound ancient looking poetry collections that looked as if they would crumble to dust if King Dedede wasn’t careful, textbooks on different subjects such as interplanetary politics, advanced mathematics, astronomy, and more. He took note of the amount of engineering related books too. King Dedede stifled a chuckle as he saw Meta Knight had even bought guidebooks for communication and romance. In between two books there was a miniature Battleship Halberd in a glass bottle on the shelf, he whistled in awe and picked it up. King Dedede held it at different angles, surprised by its quality and technical detail. 

“Ohoh, an’ now we’re talkin’.” King Dedede said to himself as he glanced at the shelf that contained nothing but photo albums ordered by date. He ran a hand over the spines and settled on a far older album. King Dedede smiled as he flipped through each page. It was very old by how the paper had yellowed and all of the photos were in black and white, some were in perfect quality while others were wrinkled. Most of the photos featured Meta Knight and his crew, back when the Battleship Halberd was still in its earliest stages of creation and the military base that rested upon Orange Ocean’s shores was nothing more than several tents. There were pictures of sceneries and recognized one was taken in Bubbly Clouds, there were some of parties with Meta Knight’s crew rowdily drinking and playing and other various memories. King Dedede couldn't help but chuckle at seeing a photo of Captain Vul giving Meta Knight a noogie. Satisfied, he closed the book and shelved it. 

King Dedede then made his way to the bed, he could hear Meta Knight still showering and even singing a little to himself. He found himself staring at the luxurious bed. King Dedede continued to stare at the bed before pressing a hand into the mattress and was delighted at how far his hand sunk into the plush comforter. He had expected Meta Knight to have a more utilitarian set up for sleeping rather than something so excessively plush. King Dedede’s eyes wandered to the bedside table and the small drawer within it. He casually pulled at the drawer only to find a single book, reading glasses, and a piece of candy. Meta Knight wore glasses? That’s too cute! King Dedede thought with a gleeful smile. Greedy as ever, King Dedede took the candy, unwrapped it, popped the candy into his mouth, before placing the wrapper back in the drawer. Sucking on the candy ball, he was delighted that it was strawberry. 

Sucking on the candy, King Dedede made his way to Meta Knight's desk. He picked up the pen on top of it, took a second to admire how expensive it looked for a pen, then sat it back down. King Dedede went behind the desk and pulled out the plush chair before sitting down. He spun around once before rolling backwards, making space to pull out and search the drawers. In one drawer was a menagerie of stationary. From pens to paper clips, all neatly ordered in their own separate containers. In the other drawer, King Dedede found stacks of letters. He felt his heart skip a beat when he noted that the letters all bore King Dedede's royal insignia, Meta Knight had kept every single letter King Dedede had sent him and in good condition too. Some of the letters were romantic in nature while others were general updates and catch-ups in one another's lives. King Dedede couldn't help but feel his face warm seeing that his communications were held and kept so dearly. King Dedede then glanced down to the lower cupboards, he pulled on one to reveal a paper shredder that was full to the brim of paper. The other, however, didn't budge when King Dedede gently pulled on its knob. This was interesting, King Dedede thought with a raised brow. He pulled on the cupboard's knob harder to no avail and then tried jangling the cupboard door but the door was stuck. King Dedede huffed in defiance as he got up from Meta Knight’s chair and sat down on the floor in front of the cupboard door.

King Dedede held the knob with both hands and pulled as hard as he could without breaking the door, the last thing he wanted was to cause some form of property damage. However no matter how hard he pulled the door stayed impossibly stuck. King Dedede grunted and tried shifting the door, jangling the knob up and down to no avail. After several minutes of trial and error King Dedede held the door upwards, twisted the knob and pulled as hard as he could. With a pop the door open flew open, sending King Dedede on his back.

"Geh....Hoh-oh, what's this?" King Dedede mumbled as he rubbed the back of his head and sat up.

Inside the cupboard were a bunch of books, magazines, and video tape boxes, all neatly stacked on top of eachother. King Dedede raised a brow as he leaned closer and cautiously picked up one of the video tape boxes. It's cover was beyond anything King Dedede could possibly imagine to have found. In an aggressively loud red font the box was titled "Soldier to Slave - Prisoner of War Reconditioning" and had a Waddle Dee in a Mecheye military uniform with his feet tied together and eyes covered by cloth. King Dedede grabbed another, this time a book, and read a cover that said 'M.U.T.T." and on the back described a "rowdy young recruit" being selectively trained to service his superiors. King Dedede stared at the two pieces of media in his hand, his mind blank as it tried to catch up with the obscene imagery and titles. He sat one of them down next to him and grabbed another video tape box that featured a Waddle Doo in a peaked cap, wearing leather boots, and holding a riding crop with a mean look in her eye.

Undoubtedly it was porn. All of it was porn.

All at once air escaped King Dedede with a strained wheeze. He laughed hard, tears forming in the corners of his eyes and his body shaking. Here King Dedede thought Meta Knight was some kind of neurotic little prude with no inclination to sex but it turns out not only did Meta Knight have a collection of pornos and smut novels but they were of a fetishistic variety far from vanilla tastes. The Meta Knight had a thing for whips, leather, and chains. It didn't go over King Dedede’s head that Meta Knight apparently had an inclination towards the themes of sadomasochism, militarism, and authoritarianism if his choices in smut were anything to go by. King Dedede continued to pick out books and video tapes from the collection, curiously looking through each one with excited glee.

King Dedede got so engrossed in reading a random page from a novel titled ‘Boot-camp’ that depicted a Waddle Dee being publicly flogged that he completely failed to hear Meta Knight exiting the shower and moving behind him.

"Dedede I've finished...GAH!?” Meta Knight shouted, his eyes widened and he dropped the towel around his neck.

King Dedede’s neck snapped to Meta Knight who’s eyes snapped to the book in his hands and then darted to the books and video tapes out of order and surrounding him on the floor. In a matter of seconds Meta Knight's face changed from sickly pale of shock to a bright red.

"That! That is not....! That...!" Meta Knight began to sputter, his eyes wide and wild as he stepped closer.

"Calm down, it's alright!"

"I'm not a pervert! Those books are... How dare you go through my personal effects!" Meta Knight screamed, which without his armor he looked exactly like Kirby making for a very weak form of visual intimidation.

Meta Knight stood there glaring at King Dedede, visibly breathing heavy from a mix of shock, rage, and embarrassment. Never in a million years would Meta Knight think that anyone, much less King Dedede, would find his stash of erotic materials. Materials that he’d collected over the many upon many years of his travels and visits to other planets. All of them were of course part of his niche and hyper-specific desires, desires that had unfortunately developed due to his own obsession with control and order.

"Look, I'm sorry Meta Knight! I just got all curious about yer stuff." King Dedede said, holding his hands up defensively. "Nice collection by the way...very orderly."

Meta Knight stepped forward and snatched the book out of King Dedede’s hand, grimacing at King Dedede. "Get your hands off of my private materials! I seriously cannot believe you!"

"An' I can't believe you either! Yer into some.... You're into somethin' that's for sure."

Meta Knight’s eyes widened at the comment and somehow he blushed further. "That's.... It is none of your business what I am inclined to!"

King Dedede grinned. "Well it explains a lot. Do ya' get a little zing outta runnin' such a tight ship?"

"I... I will not dignify that with a response. " Meta Knight said angrily.

King Dedede began to put the books and video tapes back. "It's no worry. Everyone has somethin' they like."

"I'm not a pervert!"

"Uh, yes you are. I'm just sayin' it ain't the end of world. So do ya' imagine yourself as the recruit or general?"

"Why would I answer that?." Meta Knight said after some silence, Meta Knight imagined both, it depended on his mood.

"Ohoh? You know I'm sure we could figure somethin' out to make those books of yours a reality! It'd be a fun way to spice up the bedroom."

"H-Hey! I would never act out such activities! How crass!" Meta Knight pointed at King Dedede with an uneasy smirk and raised brow. "And do not act all high and mighty as if you have figured me out! I am sure a man as hedonistic and morally loose as yourself is far worse when it comes to such matters!"

King Dedede finally stood up and moved closer to Meta Knight, towering over the small puffball. "Hah? I don't really think I can top Mr. Boots and Leather over here." King Dedede said with a small point to Meta Knight.

"Geh!? That's not fair!" Meta Knight said with an uncharacteristic whine.

"Huh?"

"You can't... You cannot just... I do not want to be the only one with his dirty laundry aired! I refuse!" Meta Knight shouted, tears pricking at his eyes. He launched at King Dedede, batting his chest with his nubs.

"Woah! Calm down will you! It's not a big deal Meta Knight." King Dedede said gently, attempting to touch Meta Knight’s shoulder only to be harshly brushed off as he stepped back.

Meta Knight continued to grimace, his cheeks puffing up in anger as he glared at King Dedede. King Dedede stared back sympathetically actually starting to feel bad for teasing Meta Knight.

"Okay, okay, okay. Uh, if ya' gotta know... Gah, this is weird...

"Say it at once!"

"Alright! I got a huge thing for virgins!" King Dedede rubbed the back of his head. "Well, not just virgins but the shy type. It drives me wild."

Meta Knight stared at King Dedede, his head tilting curiously

"Course' before you it was easy to satisfy. My castle had no shortage of servants who'd kill to have their king take their first! It's conquering somethin' and bein' the best! And well... Heheh..."

Meta Knight simply blinked, staring at King Dedede in silent awe. A part of Meta Knight was annoyed that King Dedede’s taste weren’t as unorthodox as his own, but was far more grounded.

King Dedede pointed at Meta Knight. "O-oy! Don't give me that look! You're lucky if anythin'! I can't go pretend takin' your virginity but I can always put on a uniform for ya'!"

"I never said I wanted you to do that!" Meta Knight exclaimed.

King Dedede chuckled. "Really? Hand to yer heart and blade to the throat, if I strut in here with a fancy pair of leather boots, one of them stuffy uniforms, and one of them whips it wouldn't do anythin'?"

Meta Knight hesitantly shook his head but his facial expression betrayed any attempts at denial.

"Okay, sure." King Dedede said with an eye roll, pocketing the information for later.

"A-and stop pretending I am worse than you! You get a sense of pleasure out of defilement!" Meta Knight accused.

King Dedede laughed. "I never was but that's one way of puttin' it! You make it sound way worse than it is!"

"It is! You desire to ruin the purity that is one 's own virginity, something so sacred shouldn't be reduced to a proclivity."

"Oh, don't be so sanctimonious Meta Knight! You make it sound lecherous as if that's the only thing I care about."

Meta Knight crossed his nubs. "Hoh? Were you not mad when I disclosed that I wasn't your first? How hypocritical was it of you to get upset that I had been "tainted" when you went about explicitly tainting others prior!"

King Dedede's face went red with embarrassment. "H-hey! I wasn't upset! I was a little disappointed, sure, but not mad. You're blowin' it out of proportion! And don't say tainted, that's gross!" King Dedede crossed his arms. "You're making me out to be the bad guy when you're jerking it to guys gettin' beat. All while I simply wish to show someone the night of their life on their first."

"Tch. That is not the appeal! It is about the discipline, the rigor, the devotion, and the-"

"Whips, and chains, and candle wax. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Your tastes are very intellectual Meta Knight. Look." King Dedede shook his head before offering his hand. "I'm really sorry Meta Knight. It wasn’t right of me to go through your stuff. I got curious about your private life an' snooped on ya'. I saw some stuff I shouldn't have and you rightfully got angry. I'm sorry."

Meta Knight looked up at King Dedede and let out a long sigh. "I do not forgive you for going through something so intimate of mine, at least not now I don't. As that may be, I apologize for asserting you as some lecherous degenerate for your interest while defending mine. For now, let us agree to not privy into each others intimates."

King Dedede nodded and smiled while Meta Knight returned it with a half smile of his own. King Dedede rubbed his chin in thought.

"Now are you sure you don't want to try it out? I could rock a blazer and boots."

Pupupu Video was a marvel of modernity, a breath of fresh air to the meager selection of shops the more populated area of Dream Land had to offer. The sleepy country had modest grocers, tools and carpenters, clothing shops, meager electronics and other simple places to shop for goods but everything had an air of utility. There weren't stores that offered past times or pleasures save for the cafes. The video store, as reported on PPPTV, was a breath of fresh air and a new hotspot for entertainment. Its parent company on Planet Mecheye, Constellation Clips, had begun to expand on an interplanetary scale and Pop Star just so happened to get in their sights thanks to the suggestion of an another prominent intergalactic company with a certain pink haired president. Some inhabitants questioned the need for a whole store for videos. After all, there was already movie theater.  Many inhabitants of Dream Land watched with great interest as the store was slowly built over the course of a month and even more began to clamor and grow impatient when the small commercial ships carrying boxes of video tapes of shows, movies, and even music arrived, all from different planets and their respective cultures all dubbed or subtitled for viewing pleasure. 

Upon its declaration of opening Dream Land faced a huge entertainment boom. No longer was the average Waddle Dee confined to being at the mercy of what would play late at night on PPPTV or what was in theaters. The video store, Pupupu Video, had a continuous rotation of customers coming in and out to rent or buy films and shows. The populace had something new to talk about and new to watch on their off time. Families would come in to rent a movie for the night, women would come in to rent the latest installment of their favorite soap operas, men would come in for comedy action thrills, while children were enamored with the variety of cartoons and animated films. PPPTV even begun to have a larger catalog of movies and shows to choose from, reruns were a thing of the past.

Unfortunately, Pupupu Video in all of its sparkly positives had its own seedy underbelly. While it sparked the flame for a renaissance and birth of cinephiles and telephiles alike the video store also brought to Dream Land its first dip into scandalous entertainment. Pornography. The video store contained, behind a heavy curtain, a library of smut all categorized and ordered not by title but by its sordid content and niche tastes.

For a simple meat and potatoes place like Dream Land it was the equivalent of dropping a bomb on a grassy field of flowers. Lewd and perverse content in Dream Land was relegated to magazines and pulp fiction, all secluded to tiny sections in book shops or convenience stores and glanced with terse judgement. An entire library of crude content was practically unheard of and met with a mix of morbid curiosity and strong disdain due to its possibility of lowering community morals, some of the louder minority even called for the video store to be outright torn down because of it. 

Protect the children from its corrupting force they'd say.

On an annoyingly hot and muggy day Lord Meta Knight of the Battleship Halberd was in front of Pupupu Video for this very reason. Not to tear it down but he had developed a morbid fascination with the mere concept of a pornographic flick. It started when he began to overhear his crew discuss them.. Meta Knight wasn't oblivious to his men's urges nor to crass talk regarding desires and women. Many times he would overhear the Meta Knights' boisterous laugh turn to hush tones as they discussed with raunchy humor. Now with the advent of Pupupu Video, it was discussion of the latest film. What actress was the hottest, which one was the dirtiest, was there an actress that did this or that. Meta Knight would overhear these sleazy conversations.

“You know, I saw one with a blonde Waddle Dee. Blonde! She had some weight on her and a little old but she was cute.” Sailor Waddle Dee bashfully admitted with a blush.

Mace Knight smirked. “Heh, I didn’t think ya’ had a thing for older fat broads. What’re they called, uh, MILFs?”

“H-HEY!” Sailor Waddle Dee shouted, leaning off of the table and laying down his cards. It caused the table to erupt in chuckles.

Axe Knight played a card. “Y’know there’s nothin’ wrong with that. It seems like videos with those Simirrors… They’re always freaky.”

“Speaking of freaky…” Captain Vul muttered gravely, puffing on his cigar. Everyone stopped and looked to their captain with curiosity at his sudden serious disposition. When he saw everyone had their eyes on him he leaned closer. “You know… They have… There’s these lasses with cocks. Did you know that?! It… It’s gotta be good, I mean, she already knows what yer workin’ with. She has one herself!” 

Sailor Waddle Dee’s face went blank as he thought and then it went red with anger as he pointed at Captain Vul with an accusatory hand. “You! It was you! That’s why when we swapped I got that video! I thought you all were picking on me! I thought he was a cute girl when you handed the box to me, I nearly jerked off to a dude you asshole! Nobody wanted to swap with me!” he cried, slamming his fists down on the table. The outburst was met with a cacophony of laughter and knee slaps.

Mace Knight tilted his head in thought. “Hey Vul, you know there’s the opposite of that too. When I picked up last month’s tapes I saw a Bonkers with a pussy.”

After a dreadfully long silence the entire table erupted with sounds of confusion and contemplation, all with the single underlying question. Would you?

How crass Meta Knight would think as he turned the corner, leaving his men to their locker room discussion.

It turned out that since the advent of Pupupu Video and rumors of the backroom and its catalog of pornography spread around like wildfire Meta Knight’s The Meta-Knights (plus Sailor Waddle Dee and Captain Vul) had quickly developed an orderly, democratic, sharing system. Unfortunately due to Meta Knight’s rigorous scheduling and tight rulings a crew-mate, especially one that was as high status and needed at all times such as the Meta-Knights, couldn’t just up and leave to go into town whenever. You would have to schedule your leave and days off at least two weeks in advance and then it had to be personally accepted by Meta Knight himself. This lead to the Meta-Knights developing a system where one of the men would be picked to trek into town for Pupupu Video on their much coveted and very rare breaks with a long handwritten list of porno titles, tags, and vague wants with each name next to it. For example; Spynum Bush Sex – Axe Knight.  Then the unlucky sod would enter the video store, rent an eye catching amount of these pornos, and try to secretly return back to the ship to pass them out. Then the Meta-Knights would swap with each other for a month, and then return them for new videos by the next one. This process occurred every month and usually by vote this task would fall onto Sailor Waddle Dee every time simply because he could easily ditch his hat and their plan wouldn’t somehow find its way back to Meta Knight by association with the Battleship Halberd but also because he was easy to pick on. 

It was only natural, if you keep a bunch of men confined to a battleship with sparingly rare contact to the opposite sex with barely any stimuli such things were bound to occur. 

Meta Knight only wished they had a little more carnal discipline as himself. He felt as though he was above such things. 

That was a lie. He was not. Meta Knight, after all, is a virgin. He would claim with an angry sputter that it was because he had taken up a vow of chastity, that he would not mar his purity and discipline with something as wasteful as sex. He was a virgin and proud he'd say, that sex is disgusting and perverse! Of course that was pretentious bluster at best and cope at worst. Meta Knight was a virgin not by choice but by circumstance. He had dedicated so much of his existence to the art of the blade and the utmost discipline required to be the captain and supreme commander of an entire battleship and army that he truly never gave much thought or time to his own personal life. Meta Knight lived his live revolving around tight rigor and staunch repression. Bodily stirs were washed away with ice cold showers and indecent thoughts were meditated away.

Pleasure was a distraction from perfection and Meta Knight seeks perfection.

However, Meta Knight could repress, and train, and discipline himself but nothing could ever get rid of his own innate urges and the curiosity that came with it. It was especially hard to do so when temptation was being covertly shared and talked around him constantly and its contents struck his curiosity with a white hot iron that was becoming impossible to ignore completely. To Meta Knight, sex was a vague idea. He knew that it was something that apparently felt very good but it was something that you only did with someone you love. This view on intimacy had developed from the novels he would read in his off time, the descriptions flowery and fluffed up with nonsense without really showing anything too obscene but now there was a way for Meta Knight to see it and if he had to go by what his subordinates said in hushed whispers not only was it something obscene but it was done in so many different ways with many different types of people. How curious! He was tired of hearing, or worse walking in on his men discuss these pornos. Even his friends had jumped on the trend. Bandana Waddle Dee admitting to venturing to the backroom of Pupupu Video. King Dedede, surprisingly, had no interest in pornography. This was simply because King Dedede could have sex at any time he desired and found the idea of watching others have sex to not only be lame but outright cuckoldry. 

As he stood at the door of Pupupu Video Meta Knight could now see what was the big deal and why his friends and subordinates were so damn obsessed and a more carnal part of him was excited at the prospect of seeing the opposite sex in her intimates. He swatted at a mosquito as he stood in front of the glass double doors. He wouldn’t admit it but he felt nervous, as though he was about to do something terribly bad. He stepped closer and pushed on the door, entering the video store with an uneasy smile. He felt a rush of cold air hit him that jostled his cape and an electric chime announced his entrance. Meta Knight looked around to see shelves upon shelves with boxes of movies and television shows all neatly lined up and organized with many citizens looking through them. Meta Knight had to blink a couple of times, his eyes not used to the harsh lighting. The store was harshly lit with bright fluorescent, light blue paint coated the walls and the floor was layered with shaggy blue carpeting that caught on Meta Knight’s metal sabatons. Light music softly played from the speakers above. He could see different movie posters lining the walls advertising new and upcoming films along with older classics and a hand written poster with colored markers told of a "buy one, get one deal" for any horror movie for a “Scary Good Summer”. By the store counter was a shelf with another hand made sign labeled concession that had snacks for one to enjoy with their movie. Microwave popcorn bags, pre-popped popcorn bags, boxed candies, and other snacks were ordered neatly on the shelf. 

The Waddle Doo at the counter turned around from the wall mounted television playing a monster movie, her single eye focusing in on Meta Knight with shock. She smiled with her eye and waved feverishly. "Oh-oh! Lord Meta Knight, it's an honor to see you! Welcome to Pupupu Video! Please let me know if you need anything, okay?"

Meta Knight hesitantly waved back but his blood went cold. He forgot he would be instantly recognized by the populace. He had half a mind to turn around right then and there, forget this whole debacle and desire. However a small part of Meta Knight, a very direct and primitive part, wanted to see naked ladies. So Meta Knight decided he would simply enter the backroom when the cashier was once again distracted with her movie.

It was the perfect plan. Nothing could go wrong.

Meta Knight started by walking laps in between the shelves. As he did so, he looked at the films on display to kill time. In the horror genre aisle boxes depicted screaming faces, grotesque monsters, and chainsaw wielding psycho slashers. He grimaced at the obscene display of gore and violence, he couldn't imagine why anyone would watch something so mindlessly cruel. However, a movie depicting a set of ornate armor covered in blood did make him stop in his tracks. 'Armor's Arrogance' it read as Meta Knight turned the box over. It was a movie about a set of armor rising from the grave under a blood red moon, seeking revenge against those who betrayed and slain its original owner.  He hummed with interest as he read the synopsis over and over. He glanced to the overhead sign for the aisle number and made a mental note as to where the movie was located for later. He didn’t have to come here only for a porno flick.

Meta Knight continued his stroll up and down the aisles, slowly making his way towards the double curtain at the back of them room that separated the main collection of movies and shows from its sordid counter part. Meta Knight would occasionally dart his eyes back to check if any other customers noticed him but would be mildly relieved to see a Poppy Bros. Jr too focused reading the synopsis of two movies or a Waddle Dee badgering the Waddle Doo at the counter questions about what television show to get into. Everyone else seemed too preoccupied with their own business to care if Meta Knight was in the room with him. A burn to his ego, sure, but a necessary evil for his mission. Meta Knight edged closer and to the curtain. He gently pulled the curtain aside and took one last glance behind him. Nobody caught his eyes so he quickly moved in. Another electric chime announced his entrance, causing Meta Knight to jolt and go stiff. He didn’t see anyone from the front room notice him so he supposed that his cover was safe. 

Meta Knight looked around the backroom as his eyes relaxed to the dim lighting. From floor to ceiling, rows upon rows, there were shelves of video tapes. Meta Knight was shocked by the sheer amount of videos and even more shocked when he realized that every single video tape was pornographic in nature. He swore he could see more videos in here than there were out in the front room of the store. Meta Knight could see several other customers perusing the catalog with focused expressions. A Knuckle Joe glanced at Meta Knight, did a double take, before going back to weighing between two films with an uneasy expression. A Cappy stared at Meta Knight before lowering her mushroom cap to hide her face. Meta Knight realized something important; nobody wants to be seen here so nobody acknowledges the other's presence. This worked to calm Meta Knight’s nerves as he began to explore the backroom.  He began to slowly walk between the shelves, glancing back and forth at the video tapes surrounding him with wide eyes. It was all so obscene, so disturbingly candid. A sultry eyed Waddle Doo beckoning here, an oiled up Waddle Dee there. It made Meta Knight's face grow hot and head spin, he dry heaved once before catching his breath. He now knew what a Waddle Dee in her most intimate looked like. Now he learned that sex can be done with more than two people, sometimes an entire group.

It was all so much, too much even. Meta Knight shakily took another step in the aisle. None of it looked appealing and yet it was something his own men clamored over with vigor. Then again, Meta Knight never gave much thought to what he found appealing ever. How could he? Meta Knight had always assumed he wasn't fit for romance or intimacy and that if by some luck should bless him he would wed a fine maiden. It was the proper thing for him to do he supposed. Carnal fixations however? It drew blanks for Meta Knight. He knew that he liked women, mostly, and that he preferred a more demure and sweet personality but that was it.

'Stealthy Sex With a Duo of Sister Moonjas' one tape was labeled. The idea of copulation with two sisters sounded grotesque, that was practically incest and it made Meta Knight's stomach turn.

Another tape, depicting a Grandy in a grass skirt staring down at the camera, was titled 'Overpowered and Overwhelmed in the Jungle by a Overwhelmingly Gorgeous Grandy' Meta Knight hummed in interest, he supposed someone larger than him carried some appeal but he didn't like the idea of being overpowered, it made his insecurities flare. He'd prefer to be on top thank you very much.

'Making Steam! The Hot and Heavy Forbidden Coupling Between a Hot Burnng Leo Girl and a Ice Cool Chilly Boy is Shown 5 Hours of Action' another tape was titled. Meta Knight grimaced at the idea of being between two people. He wanted to be the center of attention, not a mere spectator. Not to mention wouldn't they kill themselves from the opposing temperatures?!

Cautiously passing a Keke looking intently between various tapes featuring Broom Hatters, Meta Knight’s eyes caught on a tape. He stood in place and moved closer, leaning forward he scanned the box with intrigue. It wasn't painted with the loud vulgarity as the other tapes on display but was simply titled 'With Me, A Romantic Tryst With Your Virgin Junior Recruit' and had a tanned Waddle Dee with dog-tags around her neck sitting on a barracks mattress wrapped in its comforter, looking so very lovingly at the viewer. Meta Knight continued to stare, blinking several times in disbelief. The actress looked... She looked so cute... So modest... Meta Knight mused, finding himself a bit surprised. He never thought he could find a differing species so attractive. Inter-species attraction was a tricky thing, to some species another species looked completely alien as the things that would register as attractive simply didn't exist. Of course, similarities did help in factoring what was considered appealing and a Waddle Dee did share similar physicality to a puffball making her appealing in Meta Knight’s eyes. Her eyes looked inviting, her tanned skin soft and plush, the fine apple-orange fur was well maintained and shiny. For all intents and purposes, she was an attractive looking Waddle Dee and she was looking right at him, inviting him even. Meta Knight’s hand shakily hovered over the video tape. In this tape, she was supposed to be his junior? Wouldn’t that make him a superior, a commanding officer maybe? He picked up the video tape. As as his junior she’d probably be so kind, needing a strong figure to guide her in bed, to be gentle to her, to cherish her... To follow his command or face punishment.

“Hi, Meta Knight!” said a chipper voice.

Thrown out of his thoughts Meta Knight choked a gasp as he spun around, almost dropping the video tape in his hand. 

Oh no. No, no, no. Meta Knight thought as a pair of blue eyes stared back at him. Of all the people he’d had hoped to never encounter on his mission at the very top of the list would have had to been Kirby who was now standing right in front of him. He would’ve even preferred seeing his subordinates over the pink pest, at least then his presence could be sworn to secrecy. Meta Knight couldn’t for the life of him even understand why Kirby would be in such a sordid place as this, wouldn’t he busy taking a nap or eating or whatever it is that directionless loon did. Instead it appeared Kirby was on a similar task as Meta Knight as he too had several video tapes held in one of his hands.

 Kirby tilted his head to the right, glancing at the tape in Meta Knight’s hand.  “Getting a video?” Kirby asked with a smile.

Meta Knight averted his gaze as he wracked his brain for a response. “Ah, I was… I had not mean to… I was merely curious.” Meta Knight mumbled, shifting side to side. 

Kirby tilted his head to the left, still smiling. “Hm?”

“I-It is none of your business!” Meta Knight exclaimed, drawing a glance from the other customers around him. He turned away from him, shielding the video tape from Kirby who tried to move closer in an attempt to get look at the video tape. Kirby attempted to move around Meta Knight only for him to turn further away. Kirby shrugged and stepped back causing Meta Knight to turn back to Kirby with a disapproving glance as he held the tape closer.

“Geez. I wasn’t goin’ to do anythin’. I just wanted to see what you got.” Kirby said with a grin.

Meta Knight shook his head. “It’s private you fool. Is privacy not a concept you parse in that head of yours?” 

Kirby dismissively waved Meta Knight away with his free hand. “Awh come on, it can’t be that bad! I’ve seen some really weird stuff in here!” he raised a brow and hummed in thought. “Hum, lemme guess is it… gay?”

“N-No! Why would you ask that!?” Meta Knight sputtered.

“Pfft! I’m messin’ with you! It’s okay if it was.” Kirby giggled before his mouth made a little ‘o’ and he looked at Meta Knight inquisitively. “Now this is interestin’! What would someone like yourself be gettin’ anyways? You’re so uptight all the time I never woulda guessed! Oh, oh! Knowin’ you, you’re probably into the really smart lookin’ ladies with glasses and the like! The real mean kind that'll whip ya!” 

Meta Knight shook his head furiously. “No!”

“Aha, then the real wild and dirty kind? The kinda girl that’s a challenge to tame? The kinda girl who’ll do stuff like bl-” Kirby said.

Meta Knight shook his head harsher, making a sound of disgust at the thought of ‘taming’ a woman. “N-not that either! Stop being so crass.” Meta Knight watched as Kirby hummed once more, putting a hand to his chin. The knight rolled his eyes and muttered a curse before shoving the video tape in his hands into Kirby’s face. “There. Your curiosity is quenched, you have gazed upon the indecent entertainment I have claimed.”

Kirby’s eyes scanned over the tape’s box, reading the cover and taking in the sporty yet kind looking tanned Waddle Dee. His face went blank, keeping a simple half smile. “Hm.” was all Kirby said. Meta Knight’s eye twitched in annoyance. “Hm? That’s it! No quip? No pointed comment?”

“Well. It’s just not really… surprisin’. I guess military stuff is up your alley. Real vanilla though…” Kirby said, scratching his chin.

Meta Knight sputtered, “S-so what if I am vanilla!? There is nothing of my virginity to be shameful of! I do not wish to dirty my conscious with opulent hedonism! I did not even plan to get this in the first place I was merely staunching my curiosity. A-And I just so happen to find her visually appealing and well…” Meta Knight began to trail off. “A-anyways! What says you​?! What did you get?”

"Oh, this?" Kirby chirped as he motioned towards the four boxes in his hand. All of them depicted fae of differing sizes, shapes, and anatomy. Meta Knight’s eyes darted between the obscene flicks. 'BBW Fairy Lesbian Soap Play', 'Physical Interview with an 18 Year Old Shemale Fairy That Knows How To Fuck!!!, 'Busty Fairy Oil Microbikini Mammary Massage She Cums From Her Nipples Alone', 'Fairy Friday! Picking Up Cute Modest Fairies That Turn Into Huge Sluts When Presented With Dick 5 Hours Long Non-Stop Action'.  Meta Knight coughed, choking on air. He defensively stepped back and looked back at Kirby with a mix of fear and confusion who continued to smile innocently back at him, making direct and unbroken eye contact.

Meta Knight cringed. “Must you look at such… Such… I do not even know what to say. ...What does that stuff even mean? What is a… BBW… lesbian…? And what is a shemale?”

Kirby glanced down at his collection of video tapes. “Is that what some of these say? You know I can’t read so good and the writin’ is all weird. I usually jus’ come here and pick based on which fairy looks the most pretty.” 

“Why do you even need so many videos?” Meta Knight asked apprehensively. 

Kirby sniffled, wiping away a mock tear. “Ribbon won’t be visiting me this month or the next! Too busy being worked rugged by Queen Ripple!”. The pink puffball shook his head “It’s terrible Meta Knight! I can’t last that long without my Ribby! This ball is turnin’ blue over here!”

“And your solution is recorded simulacrums of intimacy?” Meta Knight tutted. 

Kirby shot Meta Knight an annoyed glance, turning his head away from him. “Ya’ don’t have to talk like that! But…yes. It helps!”

“Hmph! It sounds like to me you need to learn how to discipline your body and your mind, it helps with indece-”

“Aren’t you buyin’ a porno too?” Kirby said, cutting him off.

Meta Knight merely glared at Kirby and found it difficult to think of a proper response. His glare melted into wide eyes as he realized something dire. He would have to make a purchase in his name with his face to the Waddle Doo at the counter, presumably with other individuals around him. The thought made his blood run cold and stomach turn. Absolutely not. He could not do that, he refused to even entertain the thought. Meta Knight glanced down at the video tape in his hand. She was so beautiful, so tempting, so tantalizing and the scenario hit newfound buttons he didn’t even know he had. He would get to see her blush, whimper, moan and… Meta Knight shook away a weird feeling developing in the base of his stomach. The more logical solution would to just leave the tape and call it quits, he already saw what the big deal was but he already came this far and found a more than substantial prize.

Meta Knight slowly turned to Kirby. This time he saw not a pest eagerly poking and prodding him to tease but a light at the end of the tunnel, an angel sent from heaven. It became clear that Kirby wasn’t a novice to shopping at Pupupu Videos’ back section. Enough that nobody seemed to mind or even spare a glance that the hero of Pop Star was purchasing porn. This meant Kirby could be the perfect cover for Meta Knight’s own tape.

"Kirby..." Meta Knight started.

Kirby perked up, looking at Meta Knight.

"We are... You and I are friends, no?"

Kirby gasped loudly, nearly dropping his selection of porn. "Of course we are! We're best friends! We're practically brothers even, you being the younger one of course!"

Meta Knight shook his head, ignoring that last comment. "As you know I carry a certain...reputation. This reputation I wish to uphold."

"Uh-huh, uh-huh." Kirby nodded.

"I tend to be regarded as a, what you would say, a paragon of upstanding morals and discipline. It would be quite... Well, it would be a great shock and a strike to my person and respectability if I was caught buying such indecent items. I would never hear the end of it."

Kirby stared at Meta Knight as his mind worked to comprehend the verbose request, after a few seconds it clicked and Kirby stepped closer. He put a single hand on the pauldron covered shoulder of Meta Knight. The pink puffball looked Meta Knight, his dearest friend, in the eyes and gave him one of the most understanding, sincere, and genuine smiles he could muster.

"You want to buy this porno, don't ya' Meta Knight?" Kirby asked.

Meta Knight solemnly nodded.

"But ya' can't cause you're scared..."

Meta Knight closed his eyes and hesitantly nodded once more, he could feel the grip on his pauldron firm up.

"Meta Knight, I would be honored to help you. I'm your friend, I'd do anythin' to help you. Including buying you your virgin military porn." Kirby said with a proud look.

"Thank you... Thank you Kirby." Meta Knight said, half disappointed in himself for needing Kirby for something so obscene and half relieved that Kirby would do it.

"Hey Kirby." said the Waddle Doo at the counter in a deadpan voice. She was used to seeing customers buy pornography at this point but it always threw her off when Kirby came in. He was always so chipper and bright, a far cry from the apologetic and sheepish looks she would get from her other customers. She began scanning each tape. "Still into faries, huh?" she asked with a light chuckle.

"Yep!" Kirby said with a smile. He suddenly made a shocked expression. "Hold on a second!" he shouted.

The Waddle Doo watched as Kirby quickly walked up to the concession shelf and grabbed two bags of unpopped popcorn. He didn't posses a microwave and would simply use the Fire copy ability when he got home. Kirby returned to the counter and slapped the two bags ontop of the pornos. "There! You always need a good snack with your movies, right?"

"...You eat popcorn while watching porn now?" The Waddle Doo asked as her eye narrowed.

Kirby nodded and smiled.

The Waddle Doo stared at Kirby and then rolled her eye. She glanced down to the porn once more as she began bagging Kirby’s purchase. "Ah wait, looks like you're branching out some. Military's pretty niche but we got a surprising amount of it. Gets pretty freaky though, y'know with all the dominance and submission."

Behind Kirby stood Meta Knight who was holding a box with a movie titled 'Armor's Arrogance'  perked up at the comment. Kirby put down several coins on the counter.

"There. You have a month, make sure to rewind the tapes. Now get outta here you little perv." The Waddle Doo said jokingly as she handed Kirby the bag of his and Meta Knight's items. Kirby grinned and took the bag, he shot Meta Knight a knowing glance and then quickly left the store to wait outside for him.

Meta Knight stepped up and placed his movie down on the counter.

"Oh, Lord Meta Knight! What a wonderful choice. Did you find everything alright?" The Waddle Doo asked with a excited chirp.

Meta Knight stared at the cashier, glanced at Kirby behind the glass doors who was brazenly looking at the rented tapes, and then half smiled.