law school n longing
This is me procrastinating the legal memo that is due in 8 days.
Lately, I have yearned for the feeling of being loved. Before my first relationship I was extremely comfortable with being alone and I never understood what love was. I was content with the mystery. I thought my girlfriends were insane for crying over a boy, I didn’t understand the lyrics that were written about heartbreak, I never understood why people mourned losing a lover. I understand these things now and I still am unsure if it was for better or for worse. I have sympathy for those that grieve their relationships and I listen to music differently. Suddenly the songs are not just melodies with a catchy chorus but instead it echoed my thoughts and feelings.
I never craved physical affection, I never was so needy. I loved myself.
Now I like hugs. Now I text my friends every waking thought. Now I feel lonely.
It’s been two years. I always considered myself to be this strong woman that would never let a man tear me down. But I was somehow weakened. I feel as if I struggle to move on because I haven’t been intimate with anyone since. My standards are considered high when I only want someone kind and intelligent. Somehow this is difficult to find. I am so busy with school and focusing on my future career but I still feel unsatisfied. Although I feel I am still too immature for a relationship. I am jealous, insecure, unkind, and unforthcoming. I still want someone to love me even if I wasn’t ready to reciprocate.
I am hyper aware of my flaws. I know I am embarrassing, loud, and strongly opinionated. Men seek women that are polite, quiet, and agreeable. I am jealous of the girls that only giggle and don’t judge men for their crude comments. I want someone who is strong and take me for all that I am. I don’t seek someone to dim my flame, instead I want someone to build the flame higher and bigger and stronger.
I know I do not have the time for a proper relationship, I know I am content with focusing on school. So why do I still yearn for someone to be by my side when I know I’m not ready?
Law school has reminded me of high-school. I haven’t made this many friends since then. In undergrad I made a total of two friends; one, my freshman year, an artist that stood by me for the full four years, and two, my senior year, a boricua that shared my culture and beliefs. I still love them.
Now I have met at least a hundred people. Dozens of people know my name, say hello to me as they pass, message me to get drinks and to study. I wonder how many people talk about me behind my back. I hear it every day, someone has another’s name in their mouth. Law students discuss others’ grades, hook-ups, how often they pee in class, and what brand their backpack is. It has been difficult to submerge myself in such a hyper social environment after covid. I talk too much and often say my feelings. I embarrass myself by detailing every fail I ever achieve. I read the wrong readings for the day because I mixed up the dates on the syllabus. I don’t understand what Cardozo speaks of and how on earth he is reshaping the laws with such ease.
The girls strut with their marc jacobs tote bag to hold their casebooks while I staple together my tj maxx bookbag from my freshman year of undergrad. it is easy to feel inferior when you are so aware of yourself.
I am brown, tall, not flaquita, and my hair is never styled well. My shoes are scuffed and I didn’t even own a pair of flats for my first interview. Men think I am funny but never sexy, never alluring, and never desirable.
I talk down on myself as I know my positives but I am also a realist. I am lazy, sleep too much, and love dominos pizza. I never work out and I often feel my friends keep me around because it makes them feel better about themselves.
I am going to work harder. I’ll start by outlining my memo instead of crying to a void. How helpful this journal entry is will be determined.
