:)

He was just trying to eat his breakfast – and tone out the latest nonsense from Rabastan – when he saw the object of his affection enter the Great Hall with his best friend. It was hard not to notice him; he was so loud. Maybe not in volume but in everything he did and everything he stood for. And Regulus didn’t know much about the whole Muggleborn rights movements beyond what he learned through Lily Evans, but he’d listen to Benjy rave on about it all day if he could just look at him.

It wasn’t a new crush from afar, of course. Since the beginning of his sixth year, he’d been looking at him more regularly. It was a pity he’d barely said more than two words to the bloke. He had been determined to change that but his older brother and his irritating gang of misfits seemed content to block him at every turn whenever he showed remote interest in anyone. Something about ‘bad intentions’. 

He wanted the bad intentions, damn it.

But today, Sirius and his friends were missing. (He hadn’t looked over, but he couldn’t hear them so he knew they weren’t around). And he was going to try and ask Benjy on a date.

“Distract Vance for me. I’m inviting him out to Hogsmeade,” he told Rabastan, interrupting whatever he was saying. Thankfully, his best friend was ever so loyal and he simply stood up with a laugh, following him as he made his way to the Ravenclaw table.

Emmeline didn’t like him – he wasn’t sure why. But Regulus didn’t need her to like him, he just needed her to dislike Rabastan more in this moment. And when Rabastan sat himself down opposite her and immediately started insulting her Quidditch skills, he knew the time was right. With one quick scan to make sure he wasn’t about to be dragged away from one of the infamous Marauders, he sat down and smiled at Benjy.

“Hi,” he said simply, “I heard you speaking at that protest last week. It was great. Evans wouldn’t stop talking about it for hours.”

Rabastan briefly stopped in his insulting of Emmeline to add, “He also couldn’t stop staring at you.”

experiments || ice skating

“That will just earn you a second question,” Benjy reminded him. He didn’t know what any of those words meant, but he was not about to give him the satisfaction. For that matter, he wasn’t going to give him the disappointment of the fact that they all looked… pretty much the same to him. He wasn’t dismissing it. There was no chance in hell he could do any of it. Maybe, after this semester, he could be the one here to learn. He had to come up with some excuse.

He offered him the pen, wondering if not for the gloves, would their fingers graze and give him something more to think about while he watched him do these complicated laybacks and spins and what have you. Similarly, he didn’t want his lips on his coffee when they could be somewhere much better.

“Oh, you’re distracting, alright,” Benjy muttered. He bounced on his toes a little, trying to get out some of that nervous energy in a way he hoped would pass for staying warm. “For all you know, I’m just trying to get you to come over here more.” He liked watching him skate, he liked talking to him and flirting with him. If not for the many comments about not having time for anything but skating, school included, maybe Benjy would have done something about it.

Instead, he burrowed deeper into his scarf, flushed.

“You should see what I’d wear if you played beach volleyball or anything that doesn’t involve freezing your ass off first thing in the morning.” He rubbed at his nose, trying to get some warmth into it. “We aren’t all you.” In the tights that showed off his legs and clothes in general designed for movement. He didn’t look cold, that’s for sure.

Regulus pouted but he knew there was no point in arguing with him. As much as he would love for Benjy to boost his ego and comment on his skating prowess (of which he was already exceedingly confident on), he also needed to focus on education. Fenwick would be a wonderful tutor if he weren’t so dead set on impressing him and Regulus knew he should probably focus on what the other boy was trying to teach him rather than making him flustered.

Like now. The comment didn’t go amiss, nor did the small, subtle movement. Regulus laughed, “If you want me to come over, you could just ask. Or you could grab a pair of rentals and get on here instead. I could show you a few moves.”

He took the pen and reached over to write – what he was certain was – the wrong answer before placing the pen on the edge and pushing himself back on the ice. Regulus didn’t drift far, idly moving as he listened to Benjy talk and pretended not to notice the flush across his face at the comment.

“Beach volleyball?” Regulus asked, tone mild. “Yeah, you’d be half naked, right? I’d probably like to see that.” He said it so brazenly, a confidence that had only been achieved over the last few years when being forced into the company of his older brother and uncouth ice hockey friends. It was fun that Benjy seemed receptive of his flirting, even if it never particular led anywhere much to his annoyance.

we never should have wound up here

Benjy stayed quite for a moment, wishing Regulus would just leave instead of making him do this. He didn’t understand what he wanted, why he was still standing there. He didn’t get the continuation of the ruse. Even if he wanted to say “no” to Josiah, he didn’t need to pretend Benjy was the reason when it was just the two of them alone.

He didn’t leave, though. A lot could be said about Regulus, but he was consistent to a fault.

“No,” Benjy answered calmly. “I know you’re so much better than that.” He sighed and watched how the mist formed and drifted in front of him.

“But I’m not your boyfriend,” he continued, “so go do whatever makes you happy. We can drop the ruse now, it’s over tomorrow anyway. Sure, it won’t look good, but people will forget that you dicked me over and you’ll live happily ever after.” Regulus was right, he was being moody and dramatic and not entirely fair. It wasn’t like he’d told him at any point what he wanted, what this was starting the become for him. If anything, he was at fault for keeping it going when it started to feel like something.

“Because it’s over tomorrow,” Benjy said quietly. A continuation and an independent thought. “We go home. You survived your family. Getting out with a proposal isn’t so bad, when you think about it.” He licked his lips. He stalled a moment longer by taking a sip of the champagne. “You’re happy, and I’m greedy, what’s new? I want more; I want…” He shut his eyes. It was easier if he didn’t have to admit this to his face. “I want this to be real.”

Regulus only regarded Benjy for a few more seconds before he glanced away, trying to see what his friend (boyfriend?) could possibly find more interesting than him right now. Usually, he was far louder… about anything really. It was surprising how docile he was being about the type of thing.

It wasn’t until Benjy explained, calmly but with words that seemed oh so bitter, that Regulus realised he might actually be hurt about the entire thing. Which was ridiculous, because Regulus hadn’t exactly hidden how comfortable he had been the entire time they’d been pretending. Was it pretend for him, when it felt like they should have been doing that the whole time? It seemed obvious to him now that they wasted so much of their adult life not being together. Such a shame.

He tilted his head to look back over at him and hummed in amusement at Benjy’s misplaced anguish. “Happily ever after?” Regulus echoed, attempting to sound sombre but grinning through it all the same. “With that guy? With anyone my parents pick for me? Happily ever after is so dull, Fenwick. Where’s the adventure in that?”

Benjy continued talking and Regulus watched him with mirth in his gaze. Well, it was nice to know his feelings were reciprocated and the pair of them were just idiots; would have been nice for Benjy to let him know that what they were doing was pushing the boundaries of their ruse – Regulus was always a little bit oblivious with feelings after all.

“We go home,” Regulus agreed, taking the champagne glass from Benjy’s hand and placing it on a table to the side. “We talk who is staying at who’s house on the weekend because, no offence, love, but I cannot stay in a place without a walk in wardrobe for longer than two days.”

we never should have wound up here

Regulus wasn’t particularly sure where Benjy had wandered off to, only that his presence left him feeling rather quite cold. With midnight quickly approaching, he wanted his best friend at his side. Pretending to be in a relationship with his long term friend had been the highlight of his year if he was being completely honest with himself; it didn’t even feel like pretend at all. It was comfortable, it was normal, he was happy. He might need to mention his usual feelings to Benjy on this manner.

If he could find him. Where was he? As cliché as it seemed, he wanted his midnight new year kiss.

Instead, Josiah approached him and caused the room to fall into silence as he started a toast. Regulus watched him with disinterest for a few seconds before he scanned the crowd again to look for Benjy. His gaze fell on him just as Josiah said his name, and his eyes immediately went back to him. He was talking about mistakes, about feelings. Regulus’ eyes went straight to Benjy again, trying to convey some sort of panic about the situation and just saw sadness instead.

And then Josiah was kneeling and no. This wasn’t right. This was all he wanted years ago but he didn’t love Josiah any more. He loved Benjy.

Oh. He loved Benjy. He thought that should be some grand reveal to him, but the realisation just felt right. Of course he was in love with his best friend, that was obvious. Why wouldn’t he be? Didn’t this fake relationship only solidify that they could easily be together and be happy? What were they messing around for? Did Benjy realise this too? He ignored the man supposedly proposing to him, words mute and unimportant and looked back at said best friend, just in time to see him forcing his way through the crowd and out of sight.

Regulus turned his gaze to Josiah, still talking and interrupted, “What are you doing? I don’t even like you. You’re actually a bit of a twat and this is just embarrassing.”

Josiah spluttered and he heard his mother make a horrified noise but Regulus didn’t have time to pay them any mind. He moved away, making his way through the already gossiping crowd and in the direction he saw Benjy leaving. An inebriated Sirius and Remus cheered at his decline to the proposal and gestured towards a door and Regulus just gave them a small nod of thanks. The music started up again, no doubt to cover up the embarrassment for his mother and Josiah, and Regulus left the building with his mother shouting behind him.

He spotted Benjy instantly and didn’t hesitate to step to his side, tilting his head to observe him. God, he was pretty. It wasn’t the first time Regulus had noticed, but it was the first time he was able to place why he’d always felt a little flustered around him. So, so attractive.

And talking. He was talking. Regulus blinked a couple of times to get with the conversation.

“What?” Regulus said dumbly, taking a few seconds to comprehend Benjy’s words. And then he realised that his idiotic best friend thought he’d actually say yes. He furrowed his eyebrows, “Do you think I’m the type to get engaged to my asshole ex boyfriend – from years ago, mind you – when my infuriating current boyfriend is in the same room? At the same venue? Sleeping in the same bed?” He asked, a little outraged. “Give me a little credit.”

And then he laughed, “Don’t be stupid. I’m happy where I am now. Why are you so stressed out and being all broody? That’s my job, you know.”

Benjy stayed quite for a moment, wishing Regulus would just leave instead of making him do this. He didn't understand what he wanted, why he was still standing there. He didn't get the continuation of the ruse. Even if he wanted to say "no" to Josiah, he didn't need to pretend Benjy was the reason when it was just the two of them alone.

He didn't leave, though. A lot could be said about Regulus, but he was consistent to a fault.

"No," Benjy answered calmly. "I know you're so much better than that." He sighed and watched how the mist formed and drifted in front of him.

"But I'm not your boyfriend," he continued, "so go do whatever makes you happy. We can drop the ruse now, it's over tomorrow anyway. Sure, it won't look good, but people will forget that you dicked me over and you'll live happily ever after." Regulus was right, he was being moody and dramatic and not entirely fair. It wasn't like he'd told him at any point what he wanted, what this was starting the become for him. If anything, he was at fault for keeping it going when it started to feel like something.

Regulus had never really had an interest in humans and had never thought to ask questions about the mortal world they overlooked.

He supposed he was probably meant to be like that when they created him, lacking in any sort of curiosity or wonder when it came to humans and restricting him from any knowledge regarding sins or temptations. Regulus knew of their existence in theory but nothing concrete. Not what they represented, not a single idea what form they took. He knew love in a general sense and compassion in a ‘be a decent angel’ kind of manner but otherwise he was ignorant to all that went on below.

And he was completely content with that. Not that he knew any different, of course.

So when he was approached by Archangel Michael and tasked with retrieving a ‘lost Angel’ called Benjamin, he was more than a little surprised. He’d not been prepared for this and he knew very little about the human world or what he would find there. Apparently that was exactly the reason he was chosen and that as long as he solely focused on finding this demon, he’d be fine. And he trusted the other Angel.

Wandering around the human world was weird and a little unnerving. He’d been created with the belief that he was above humans, above their animal instinct and their repugnant indulges – whatever the hell that was. Regulus avoided them all, waiting for feel the energy from another being as he was sent to the vague location they’d last seen this Benjamin.

His search eventually came to an end after two weeks as he boarded a train, unusual thing that it was, and felt the energy grow stronger. Regulus was grateful his search was finally coming to an end as he walked through the carriages, following the pull.

He eventually felt it strengthen when he reached a particular cabin door and opened it to find the very being he was searching for. He sensed what Michael might have been warning him about. Curiosity, some form of corruption bubbling underneath the surface. On the outside, he didn’t look all that different from any other human; except for the appalling cowboy hat he was sporting. Regulus stared at it a second too long, to see an ethereal being in ridiculous clothing was unusual.

He closed the door behind him, locking it with a wave of his fingers before he turned his attention back to the Fallen Angel. Demon, his mind provided.

Regulus tilted his head to the side to regard him, “Hello… Benjamin?” He didn’t know what he was doing to be perfectly honest or how he was meant to encourage him to return to Heaven. If others that had had experience with the human world failed, what made him all that different? But he promised he would try and he was not prepared to go back to Michael chewing his ear off about responsibility.

Under no circumstances was Benjy supposed to care. He should be happy for his best friend, to let him be confident in his decision—where it was getting back with the dickhead who left him or moving happily on as he had been before. Walburga tried to scare him away with her harebrained proposal scheme, dropped on him so carefully timed that he never would have been able to warn Regulus.

Would he have warned him? He hadn't so much as asked if he wanted Josiah back. Over the past ten days, he'd realized he didn't want to know the answer himself.

With the minutes ticking towards midnight, he should be by Regulus's side. Instead, he stayed on the fringes when he went to get them champagne and didn't step in when he saw Josiah stop him. He grabbed a fresh glass for himself from a passing waiter, distributing them for the toast that was to come. The celebration of a new year and a new union.

He was going to throw up. As the room quieted and Josiah began to lament about mistakes, how his only one with Regulus was leaving, Benjy found himself desperately needing air.

He was about to turn to the balcony when Regulus caught his eye, saw his frown, if only for a second before Josiah dragged his attention back as he started to kneel. Benjy didn't waste another second forcing his way out. An appropriate reaction, he hoped, for the new yet still slighted boyfriend. He didn't have it in him to ruin this for his best friend, to make the scene that so many would have expected him to.

If nothing else, he wouldn't stay here tonight. He'd wait for this to be over, for the clock to strike midnight, and slip back through the celebration to pack and go home. He couldn't sleep in that huge bed alone, especially not with him right across that stupid bathroom. He'd apologize to Regulus later. Send him a text to let him know he hadn't frozen to death, that he just went home.

The door opened behind him, punctuated by music and Walburga's sharp voice for an instant. It was otherwise weirdly quiet, none of the cheers and elation he would have expected as an all too familiar shadow settled in next to him. He'd know that profile anywhere, his best friend of a decade, the easy presence beside him having started filling with tension when they came up with this plan, really.

"Nonsense, you're staying here. We have a lot of company, with all these partners, so you'll have to share a bathroom with Josiah when he gets here tomorrow."

And with that, there went their plan of staying at the hotel down the street. They could have gotten a couple rooms—or at least a couple beds—and had a bit of space from each other and Regulus's insane family. He really hadn't done them justice. Benjy felt like he stepped out of time and into a parallel universe that ran on completely different rules.

"Your mom apologized for this being small?" Benjy asked dumbfounded. His whole flat could fit in the room. Hell, his first apartment could fit in the closet. And did it even count as sharing a bed when the thing was the size of a small pool? They'd be fine. 

Regulus was still glued to the door.

As far as holidays went, this was turning out to be one of the better ones. If he had to be around people who hated him, he'd much rather be able to actively provoke them instead of trying to place nice with his sister-in-law's family. Last year, he and his mom made a drinking game out of it. His decision was made to come with Regulus when she told him she wouldn't be taking shots in front of her newborn grandchild.

He knew that wouldn't last.

As for him, he was definitely drinking and slowly making up his own little jokes about it. Whenever Walburga dropped an unsubtle hint about Benjy being unworthy of her son. Whenever Orion went for a cigar and pointedly took Josiah with him. He preferred it anyway, but two nights in, he couldn't be expected to handle this without drinking. If it led to a scene, so be it. That would make them like him all the less and wasn't that the point?

He was here to be a shield for Regulus, make his ex-boyfriend realize his mistake, and have a bit of fun at the expense of his family. It was irrelevant that his belief grew with every passing moment that Regulus should never talk to these people ever again. The pang of jealousy, the want of approval from people that mattered to him was ridiculous. That wasn't why they were doing this, and it was fine. He could be in his head a little bit as long as he played his role well.

It was why his hand never left Regulus's thigh during cocktail hour. It was nudging their legs together during dinner and sitting too close for dessert. It was how for after dinner drinks he yawned and tucked into Regulus, head against his shoulder and feeling his arm around him. It was something he never thought he might want.

Benjy didn't move when Josiah went with Orion to refresh drinks, and Walburga retired for the evening. He was less worried about Sirius and Remus—also a problem for them—who were definitely off having sex and were otherwise the only two who passed as happy for them. He kept his hand comfortably on Regulus's leg and stayed pressed up against him as much as he could as he angled to look at him.

"You know what you need to do, right?"

It was obvious to him, this was a classic dilemma. Maybe his best friend's asshole parents had never invited his jackass ex to the holidays before, but they'd pulled plenty of shit like this in the past. Maybe this would be the time Regulus finally took one of his suggestions with them. This one was less extreme than cutting them out, after all, which was his usual go to. The "break up with him" but of parents.

He reached across the coffee table and topped off Reg's wine. "You need to bring someone with you," he continued. "A new boyfriend someone. One that'll rub them the wrong way, too. No more perfect partners like Josiah or it'll be a worse situation."

Benjy leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on the end table that walked away every so often on its own volition. It was a pain in the ass and part of the fun. He was far too proud of it.

experiments || ice skating

From the ice, Regulus pouted over at his tutor. He knew it was pointless to try and garner sympathy, Benjy seemed to be above all of his usual moping tactics. He was probably used to it from other students, but Regulus was certain most of them didn’t insist that he come out to an ice rink before the sun had even risen. He wondered if putting tutoring on his academic record was worth this when he just sat there looking like he was going to turn into an icicle.

“But didn’t you see the Biellmann spin, Fenwick? It was perfect. Surely that earns me a second go? It’s one of the hardest of the laybacks, you know.”

He was aware that Benjy probably absolutely didn’t know and, despite his words, he glided over to the edge of the rink and leaned on the barrier. He looked at the board in mild annoyance before holding his hand out for the pen. “I don’t like this rule any more. It’s distracting me. You should be distracted by me. Am I not doing enough to take away all your attention?” He asked, only half teasing.

Regulus reached next to him, taking the coffee Benjy was previously drinking and taking a sip for himself. Not technically allowed, he supposed, but his coach probably wouldn’t like him getting off the ice during practice anyway. Luckily, not everyone was as fond as early morning training as he was. Once he placed the coffee back down, he smiled at his – very cold – looking friend.

“You look cute, all wrapped up. Your nose is red.”

"That will just earn you a second question," Benjy reminded him. He didn't know what any of those words meant, but he was not about to give him the satisfaction. For that matter, he wasn't going to give him the disappointment of the fact that they all looked... pretty much the same to him. He wasn't dismissing it. There was no chance in hell he could do any of it. Maybe, after this semester, he could be the one here to learn. He had to come up with some excuse.

He offered him the pen, wondering if not for the gloves, would their fingers graze and give him something more to think about while he watched him do these complicated laybacks and spins and what have you. Similarly, he didn't want his lips on his coffee when they could be somewhere much better.

"Oh, you're distracting, alright," Benjy muttered. He bounced on his toes a little, trying to get out some of that nervous energy in a way he hoped would pass for staying warm. "For all you know, I'm just trying to get you to come over here more." He liked watching him skate, he liked talking to him and flirting with him. If not for the many comments about not having time for anything but skating, school included, maybe Benjy would have done something about it.

Instead, he burrowed deeper into his scarf, flushed.

Stupid rink with the stupid guy he was stupid tutoring. He was hoping to get fired from yet another assignment for being "hostile" and "bad at it," but instead, he was at an ice rink at six in the damn morning, wrapped in a sweatshirt and a scarf, a cup of their terrible coffee clutched in his gloves. He didn't understand why being smart meant he got stuck teaching for his community service but whatever. For some godforsaken reason, Regulus liked his style. Maybe it was because he didn't actually need help.

It's what made it so satisfying when he got one wrong.

"Nope," Benjy said smugly. He set his coffee down on the half-wall and traded it for the full size whiteboard he brought. Was it a pain in the ass? Absolutely. Was it worth it for the pettiness and point? Probably not, but he was devoted to it now.

"Quit hopping around out there, you owe me a theorem." The whole "you have to get off the ice" rule that he started with for incorrect answers died quickly. He was left with a mopey, belligerent Regulus who punished him with his moodiness. Working through a quick question or two then letting him get back at it while quizzing him went better for both of them.

Benjy never went far. He certainly could have. He had the grades to make money a nonissue, and he knew it was all his mom wanted for him. For a long time, it was on the short list of things he wanted for himself.

Get out of the small town, be the first one in his family not just with a high school diploma but a college one as well, and to change the world. He could admit the last one was lofty, but the first two were in his grasp. He was there.

Normally, there was no use dwelling on it. He lost two of the most important people in his world in a day without so much as a chance to say goodbye. So what? It was ten years ago now, and he made his choices. Eliza was meant to take over the farm, so he stayed. When they pushed him to go, he instead made sure he could send Arnie and Randall instead.

With Arnie barely done with vet school and Randall debating turning his agricultural degree in for the priesthood, his work was done. He never wanted the farm. He wasn't particularly good at it, and his parents had two perfectly good sons for it now. He held it together for them, so he got to move on.

Down the road, to the scrapyard that he'd single-handedly rebranded as a repair shop. Product, he supposed, of being the best mechanic in town. He was proud of that title. The differences he wanted to make didn't take with a fancy degree. They absolutely required getting out of here, but he couldn't leave his brothers to handle the finances of the farm or his parents to work alongside them until their deaths. He was fine. He was elbow deep in his engine, and he was fine.

"It'll be a day before I can take care of whatever you've got," Benjy said to the shadow next to him. "I've got to breathe life back into my truck here before I can take on anything else." He wiped his hands against each other when he reached a good place to pause, only smearing the dirt there. It wasn't like a rag was going to do any better.

"Actually," he amended when faced with his second loss. Still alive, he knew, but Regulus was as much of a ghost as his sister the past decade. Sometimes, seeing her again felt more likely. "For you, it's a week. And I'm charging double the rush rate."