Untitled

I’m actually not a gay schizophrenic witch.

*X-files music plays in the background*

REPORTER: I hear your island offers a cruise with a twist - someone has to die, because there are only enough lifeboats for everyone except one person.

Dr. Wu: That’s right, REPORTER. We find that people like to pay for real thrills, and if the stakes aren’t real - what’s the point? We also offer analogues of popular deliriants like datura to make the cruise even more dangerous.

REPORTER: Tell us more.

Dr. Wu: We decided to make this a Titanic themed cruise. We even designed the boat with the same flaws in the metal that caused the original Titanic to sink. At the climax of the cruise, we hit an iceberg and the ship begins sinking.

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{flashback to first cruise}

Dr. Wu and Dennis Nedry are seated next to each other. The cruise’s entertainment, LIL BITCH, walks on stage. 

{LIL BITCH is a white guy with dreadlocks; imagine Knuckles from Sonic the Hedgehog but extremely caucasian.}

LIL BITCH begins rapping. His entire music career is remixes of a song he calls “PEAS AND CARROTS,” the one song he ever composed in his life. 

Five songs in, Dr. Wu elbows D. Nedry.

Dr. Wu: I have a datura analogue. It has to be better than this.

-----

{cut back to the interview}

Dr. Wu: So the rest of the cruise is pretty much impossible to remember, but I’ll do my best to recount what I can access in my semantic/associative/episodic/procedural/habitual memory.

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{cut back to the cruise}

Dr. WU wakes up in the middle of the stage of an ongoing play, GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

{PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTES: In this version of the play, Miss Havisham jilts Compeyson at the altar. This play is known for being a feminist subversion of the classic play GREAT EXPECTATIONS by Charles Dicks.}

A giant Jewish star glows in the background. Compeyson is played by Compeyson. Miss Havisham is played by Dr. Wu’s mother.

Compeyson: You converted for me. You can’t leave me.

Dr. Wu’s Mother: There is no amount of money that could make me stay with you.

Compeyson: I could give you anything you wanted. Anything. I don’t understand how anyone could reject me.

Dr. Wu’s Mother: It’s because you’re a sociopath. You could never love anyone. 

{the scene from Adventure Time where the Ice King asks why no one loves him and an interdimensional owl says “because you’re a sociopath” plays on repeat in the background}

Dr. Wu’s mother leaves; in the background, Compeyson begins glitching like a badly designed AI.

----------

Dennis Nedry runs into his contact on the Titanic, Miss Pringle.

{the name MISS PRINGLE echoes through eternity}

Miss Pringle: You know what you have to do.

Dennis Nedry: I HAVE TO DRIVE THE SNAKES FROM IRELAND, JUST LIKE ...

[a momentary pause]

SOME GUY IN THE BIBLE DID; WHO CAN REMEMBER WHICH ONE. there were a lot of guys.

[a montage of various Christian figures having an orgy]

{Dennis Nedry snaps out of his reverie as Miss Pringle suddenly morphs into Zeitel, who is holding the Rubaiyat}

Zeital: Who are you? (except said in German)

Dennis Nedry: I AM IN THE WORLD’S SECOND OLDEST PROFESSION.

Zeitel dissolves into a mixture of different snakes and melts. The word RUBAIYAT echoes through D. Nedry’s very being.

---------

Compeyson: {EVERY REVENGE BASED MONOLOGUE FROM SHAKESPEARE’S PLAYS ALL SAID AT THE SAME TIME}

-----------

Dennis Nedry looks off the side of the Titanic to see the giant hand from The Stand glowing overhead. 

D. Nedry: whoAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The hand crashes into the ocean, completely missing the boat. Dennis Nedry thinks he can see the lost city of Atlantis in the crater that forms.

-----------------

Dr. Wu is back on the set of GREAT EXPECTATIONS. 

Compeyson is wearing a Darth Vader mask and sitting on a mountain of dead prostitutes. Several living prostitutes cling to him.

Compeyson: I will pay you 10 million dollars to kill your mother.

Dr. Wu: There is no amount of money you can pay me to make me turn on my mother.

Compeyson, suddenly in Dr. Wu’s face: DR. WU, I KILLED YOUR FATHER.

Dr. Wu: I know. Why else am I here?

Compeyson: And now I’m going to kill you.

Dr. Wu: I have no regrets. None at all - I love who I am and all that I have experienced. I died being the truest expression of myself.

[as Dr. Wu speaks, one of Compeyson’s prostitutes injects him with an unidentified chemical compound]

[a black star falls from the top of the stage and drags Compeyson down through the floor]

[COMPEYSON finds himself in the middle of Israel and is summarily destroyed in a terrorist attack]

Dr. Wu: Well, I avenged my father’s death. Now what?

------

DENNIS NEDRY, in the room full of cuckoo clocks from Pinocchio.

Gepetto/D. Nedry: THERE ARE TOO MANY BIRDS IN HERE.

[Dennis Nedry proceeds to destroy each and every clock]

---------------

Dr. Wu: So Dennis Nedry here saw a bunch of weird shit. I saw a conspiracy involving the mystery of why my mother is Jewish. You know, I never really thought about why she converted.

Reporter: Interesting. Do you think you’ll be trying this datura analogue again?

Dennis Nedry: I think that shit is too dangerous to ever see the light of day, but Dr. Wu says he worked out his family trauma so I guess your mileage may vary.

Reporter: Reports say that Lil Bitch was never seen again after this incident. Do you have any comments?

DENNIS NEDRY does the sign of the cross.

Dr. Wu lifts up a fluorescent vial. It contains an LSD analogue; Dr. Wu has made several adjustments to the chemical formula. 

He sits down and doses up.

HE IS IMMEDIATELY RIPPED FROM HIS BODY IN A DMT-ESQUE COME-UP.

A mixture of all of the Beatles remixes from Across the Universe and the intro scene from Enter the Void terrorize him into another dimension.

-+-+-+-+-+

ALL SEEING EYE: Aaaaaaand we’re about to start the baseball of the century here, folks.

The dog from duck-hunt flying in the Bowser-helicopter from Super Mario World flies overhead, announcing the sport that is about to begin.

A giant 7 stands in the middle of the outfield (which is where the angels are.)

On one team, mutant dinosaurs take to the court. Lebron dunks a baketball on home plate; everyone is excited. The other team is the entire cast from 30 Rock.

Winston Churchill, pants off and dick out, pitches the first of many baseballs.

ALL SEEING EYE/DUCK HUNT DOG: AND WE’RE OFF TO THE RACES.

Dr. Wu looks up to see the blaring sun is the angry sun from Super Mario Bros 3.; they are in a desert.

Dr. Wu looks back just in time to see a baseball explode as it hits the bat.

ALL SEEING EYE: LOOK AT JACK DONAGHY GO. THAT IS 5 BASEBALLS RIGHT THERE.

A score board at the end of the field lights up.

5 BASEBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COUNT THEM: 5555555555555555555555555555

Suddenly, it’s dark out. The angry sun is replaced by one of those disturbing old timey moons with the HD realistic faces. Dr. Wu looks back to see that everyone has glow in the dark dicks tattooed over them.

Winston Churchill takes a shit on the losing team and slaps a bitch with his dick.

-*-*-*

Suddenly, Dr. Wu is all alone in space. He looks around him, and in the distance watches as Dr. Lewis Dodson (receipt from selling company secrets in hand) is raped by fluorescent dolphins. One of the dolphins blows his head off as he ejaculates.

DID YOU KNOW meme floats in the distance: In order to copulate under water, dolphins actually ejaculate at a higher pressure than humans. 

~-~-~

Dr. Wu is back in the genetics labs. He looks over to see a mirror. He sees Ian Malcomb reflected in it. Ian looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian who looks at Dr. Wu who looks at Ian.

-+-+-+

As the recursion ends, Dr. Wu finds himself in Ian Malcom’s math classroom, where Ian Malcom teaches advanced math to aspiring dinosaur/human scientists. Several topological structures are expertly defined.

Dr. Wu: What happened?

Ian: About 9 hours ago, you ran in here and shouted “I NEED DIFFERENTIAL TOPOLOGY.” I was into it. You kept going wild every time I did anything.

-slight silence as Dr. Wu adjusts to reality-

Ian: I want whatever it is you were on; seems like it was some good shit.

{A DRAMATIC READING OF THE HEART OF DARKNESS ENSUES}

-after several hours, the reading ends at the iconic scene where Kurtz says “The horror, the horror.-

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: We must never become blind to the suffering of others; all death is a tragedy, there are no statistics.

-+-+-+-+-+

{THE PLAY ABRUPTLY SWITCHES BACK TO A NEWS STYLE FORMAT}

Scene: A disturbing grey building. A replica of the mansion from Resident Evil is surrounded by an electric fence out back. X-shaped crosses with various dinosaurs pinned to them. One of the crosses has the novel version of John Hammond (no relation to movie John Hammond) pinned to them. Movie version John Hammond’s grandchildren, Lex and Tim, stand in the background, dressed in a tribal outfit with neon paint.

Ray Arnold walks outside to talk to the interviewer, cigar in hand. His missing arm is replaced with the mechanized arm of the main Gundam from G-Gundam.

Interviewer: We here at the BBC have heard that your park offers a service for the older park goers looking for a thrill.

Ray Arnold: That’s right. People have criticized our current batch of dinosaurs for being “too tame.” So we retained the old ones and put them in this enclosure.

-shot of the Resident Evil mansion-

Ray Arnold: We let Dennis Nedry design the mansion.

Lex (distant voice in the background): HE’S A NERD.

Tim: More like Dennis NERDRY.

The interviewer politely laughs.

Interviewer: Take me through the process of designing this mansion.

Ray Arnold: Well, first, we needed to test the atmosphere of the mansion. We dropped Dennis off into the middle of it one night after he passed out drunk. We might have forgotten to mention to him that, for the test run, all of the enemies were animatronic simulations and he was never in any actual danger.

{video footage of Dennis Nedry screaming as he runs through underground labs}

Ray Arnold: This footage was proof of our success: the atmosphere is terrifying. Now we offer tours with the old, bloodthirsty dinosaurs that broke free. 

It’s kind of a Saw-type situation; either you work together, or you get picked off one by one. Sometimes that still happens, but it’s statistically less likely. 

People will pay a high price for “the scare of a lifetime.” We have a live facebook feed so distant patrons can watch from the safety of their own computers.

-distant screams in the background-

Interviewer: Interesting. Some may think that this mansion is unethical. There is a real possibility of death. How do you legally deal with that?

Tim: THESE ARE INTERNATIONAL WATERS, BABY.