Heartbreak Hotel

I got into my master’s program. I’m almost done with my first semester. Finishing up a lot of projects. I’m a social worker at a school now.

I sat down at my desk and I cried tears of relief. I feel reassured. I feel happy. I feel sad that my grandma isn’t here. I feel sad that my dog isn’t here. I’ve lost so much in two years. I pray I get so much in return these next few years. I don’t want to wish all the bad things anymore.

I couldn’t watch your body in a casket. You were so much beautiful than that. But that’s death, your loved ones sit in a carefully made box with details of roses and rose gold hardware.

I can’t believe I won’t hear your voice again. I won’t be able to see your brown eyes. I won’t ever get to admire your long hair with the white streak to it. I’ll have to learn to adapt to your absence. I won’t be able to bring you smoothies or soup on Saturdays. We won’t randomly go to the store and think “Oh we need to get that, your grandma needs it” You won’t get to tell me stories that went on for minutes and minutes and had no actual finish.

Thank you for all that you did for everyone. Thank you for teaching me how public transportation worked, I got to see the city and more. Thank you for coming to my dorm my freshmen year of college, you made it feel safe there. Thank you for making me a big pot of tamales (big enough for a family of 6) on my birthday every year until you couldn’t. Thank you for making me canela and making sure it had extra sugar without my mom knowing. Thank you for teaching me about thrifting and always buying me the coolest things. Thank you for giving me spaces where my imagination flourished, I felt the most beautiful with you. Thank you for being our safety, we came to you in the darkest moments and without knowing you showered us in hope and love. Thank you for showing me to love unconditionally and to be brave everywhere I go.

There’s no one like you, Abuelita Chavela. You will always be my light. I will carry you with me everywhere I go. I love you so much. I’ll wear every hat just for you. If I close my eyes, you’re cooking something delicious while smiling and laughing about a new pet you got. If I close my eyes, you’re showing me all the new flowers that are growing in the garden. I know you’ll always be there but I miss you so much. Watch over us.

With love always,

I’m excited because I’m afraid but you are the most trusting and encouraging soul.

I think that there are moments in which I recall just living a life harboring abusive behaviors. Whether it was from my last partner or from my mother, it became normal. I still struggle. I can escape my last partner forever but I’ll never escape my mom.