Welcome to the static age, I Will Be Your Guide

The eye is simultaneously the creepiest, and the most beautiful part of the body.

physically, yes, i could fight a bird. but emotionally? imagine the toll

just heard my roommate yell ‘you USED me!!!’ from the living room n im sitting here like ??? 2 seconds later my rat comes running into my room holding a french fry in his lil baby mouth

looks like you took off a doll’s face and put it on your face like that one post with the elvis animatronic

That is exactly what I did!

Sooo umm idk but I saw these exact pics on Tinder tonight so if you don’t have a Tinder someone if def impersonating you.

Whaaaaaat? No, I don’t have Tinder!!!!!

“one time I dreamt I had a catfish but it actually wasn’t a dream”

I half expect everyone to be as forgetful as me so I end up shocked that they know my name

You remember my name and we don’t even talk? What are you the feds?

I am a simple woman. I enter the kitchen. I eat four servings of bread products. I leave.

Is there anything more nauseating than ‘expensive heterosexual wedding’ culture?

My dream wedding: outside, illegal fireworks, shoes are optional, mostly potluck, someone’s dressed as a wizard, I get to insult my relatives, hopefully some live music.

You want to get married at Bilbo Baggins 111th birthday

I love saying “of course” instead of “you’re welcome,” like of course I’m helping you that’s what I do, you were foolish to even consider an alternate dimension in which I’m not helping you. you idiot. you absolute buffoon.