honestly, she's an old character i originally made back in fifth grade. pretty unrecognizable, now -- an actual character and not a "i wish i was like this" shell.
and the whole project started, partly, because i really wanted to rebuild a lot of lost skills and learn a toolbox of new ones. i'm pretty happy, i think, with how things have developed on that end, even if i do get extremely "impostor syndrome"-y at times, or have abyssal doubts about if this is worth spending my time on, or feeling like i am embarrassingly slow, especially when i haven't publicly shared any of it. but ultimately, just, kinda reminding myself that the point is improvement and learning, at the end of the day, and if i polish it up as much as i reasonably can when i get to that point and if it sucks, then well, it sucks.
but, aside from that, it's turning out to be incredibly therapeutic for me. since, whether i like it or not, all the characters are ultimately reflective of myself, experiences, emotions, flaws and positives. Anavrin, probably, the most since i gave her a lot of issues that i have the hardest time working through, or understanding, and a lot of my own flaws -- perceived and intentional, and, unintentional. which does help with externalizing things, and seeing them in a more "third person" perspective. not perfect, but it has gotten me to sit with some stuff and recognize some unhealthy behaviors, or pick apart things that give me some extraordinarily intense emotions that conflict with each other.
nothing else, a few therapists i've had mentioned that it does sound like it is doing a solid job with keeping me self-aware (which, prolly shouldn't matter -- i still have a hard time thinking what i'm saying has any value behind it without someone providing validation. been practicing that, even if it likely leads to a lot of: "i never realized grass is green"-style thoughts).
and there's some other patterns that crop up where it's harder to point out in less-than-private places, since i wouldn't say i have the language to get into it without the veneer of prose. or some stuff that i'd be fine to get into? but it's, also, "i don't know the language to describe this, without going on at length about it". Especially when there, is, a layer of some extreme embarrassment attached to it.
and trying not to crashout post when my mental health tanks really badly (I think I'm better about it, hopefully).
idk, i've just been kinda lightheartedly sharing bits and pieces when i work on this thing, since it's kind of consumed most of my thoughts for the better of 2 years now, and sometimes i feel a little proud of either managing to write a few more thousand words, or there's a little piece that stood out in some way and i wanted to, idk, i guess share it? even if it's never direct prose because i still... struggle a bit with the negative "what if this bit of writing is worse than i think" kind of thoughts. even if, like, if it was ass i'd definitely want to know? since that's kind of integrally important to "improvement".
i just hope i ultimately do the whole thing justice, in the end. and that i can get it to a point where it's something others would find worth the reading experience. creative writing's kinda been the one outlet i've really loved... for basically my entire life. and still sitting in a lot of regrets when i stopped for... basically a whole decade, as i was just rotting away in my own skin. and, now, trying to find ways to supplement gaps in my knowledge since i never managed to make it in college.
writing an entire first draft as an outline is not something i think i'lll ever do again, though. learned a lot doing that, but also... was a quarter of a million words [yes it was too long] and... that's a lot of time that coulda been spent more effectively.
gummygunk
snowghoul
titsay
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
izzy806
kianamaiart
