untitled

It's my 7 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

lemme build my character here.

i lost it all. i lost my poems, blogs, everything.

i started to write again. from my zero (AGAIN) :(((((

October 10th 2021

I started to smoke. I really had to. Because its too tiring and overwhelming. I started using nicotine to leave my pain (even for a while). and it felt soo goood.

---repost it as my instagram post.

December 13th 2021.

I write this with my own consciousness

at that time, i was very depressed and repressed. i feelSOO tired and overwhelmed. too many things around. its 3 until 4 times i cried at that moment. so i posted some photos and tried to reminisce ‘how good’ i am as an actress (in my own life)

then, i wrote this down as a caption.

‘i tried to being alive again. so, i try to wake up every morning to just watch the sunrise. to ensure that the sun has risen at the east. i try to taste the porridge at the a.m. i hang with friends, having some conversations just to make sure that im still alive. im still breathe and im still being that wonderful person. i already knew that the future has its own features and nobody knows ‘that’ (as it should haha). i’ve seen so many movies in my 20′s and my life stil being “the most dramatic” movies i’ve ever felt and watched by my own self. #ProudActress

Sincerely,

its almost a year and a half. and im still wondering on how to feel alive. im still writing and poet-ing as long as i could. i really don’t understand its hard to manage our feelings. for me, feelings only explained by words. and so i write. 

i don’t know on how tons tears that left in me. how tons smiles that left in me. feelings are dynamic. it can be better, it can get worse. and just like that. it happens every time. 

July 6th 2021, my dad has died. he left us peacefully. i mean, he has a normal-day-at life. he has no disease. he just left us and go and never come back:(. and thats how my world has gone. i lost him. i really lost him. because, i havent said anything to him at that time. 

for my 2 decades era at life, i havent said many i love you language for him:( im just there being an innocent child wondering that my dad would live until im 30 years old and im just being ‘denial’ at all. 

im a fool. 

and this is the heartbreaks.

i lost my moment. 

i lost it. 

and im just floating here with a plastic bag souls that didn’t know where to go

i had no purpose. i had such a trauma, and ill. and its hard to be healed.

i lost my old self. i had no ambitious at life. i woke up with tears and fears facing this life. i lost my capabilities.

i really want to run. but i don’t know where to go

u know how hard it is to feel like im alive again.