Life is one hell of a ride.

I hope you’re my warm light to curl up under.

Less than a year from 30 and every man I’ve had feelings for has never returned them. I don’t understand why I’m meant to hurt myself severely every time I try to date. This can’t be right. Or maybe I really am meant to suffer at the hands of other people’s sins. My life isn’t for me. It’s karma somehow.

God I hate holidays

Why do I even try to explain myself on this? People think it’s so dumb of me to do it. But honestly I don’t think it’ll be that big of a deal. I’d be lying if I said part of me wasn’t holding out hope…but I’m not so deluded to think it’ll actually happen. I can do this and be fine. If I’m not fine at any point, I’ll just leave. I hate hearing people say I’m dumb for this. I’m not hurting, so it’s not a problem.

Once again, with your inability to regulate your emotions and decide things with a rational mind, you’ve negatively impacted my life. Will it ever fucking end??? You know how much this weekend meant to me. You know how long I’ve craved petting those wild horses. You know all of these things and yet, you choose yourself. You choose yourself because you can’t see past yourself. I don’t know why I think you’re capable of more than you are. I’m a disappointment for my life choices? YOU are a disappointment for failing to be the mother that I need.

If someone could tenderly embrace me while gripping a dagger and slowly sliding it through my ribs into my heart, their breath caressing my ear, their words telling me I deserve the hell they’re sending me to. I would be eternally grateful.