not victims

tai shrugs her shoulders,  pretending to be disappointed.   ❝  maybe i don't really care about movies anyway, ❞   she jokes,  which is half true anyway.   as mikayla's arms move around her neck,  she only leans in closer,  finding comfort in the way they finally allow this to be natural --  even if it still might only be temporary.  it feels easy to resume what they started hours ago,  before they were interrupted and before truths were spilled and before tai thought she'd definitely pushed her away for good.  but now,  she gets to focus on her again--  they're alone,  they're comfortable,  and tai's reminded of the feeling of being alive that seems to come only from being with her.   ❝  good question, ❞   she whispers,   leaning her head in -- but again,  she doesn't kiss her.   instead,  her hands slide from her waist down to her back,  leaning down to to wrap around her thighs and lift mikayla up into her arms.  there's an amused grin on her lips as she carries her over to her bed,  laying her down gently before she followers,  her body half-rested over top of mikayla's while her hand moves up to mikayla's face,  brushing her hair out of the way.  she nearly allows them both it,  leaning in to kiss her,  but she stops again.  there's no pulling away this time;  she leaves it to mikayla,  once again desperate to let her lean in first.

she's not used to waiting for the things she wants, as most people give in to her automatically, whether she actually wants them to or not, so she's frustrated every time tai seems like she's going to kiss her, only to stop—it's a good frustration, at least, even if it does make her want to complain. there's a warmth that spreads across her body when she's picked up, having to bite down on her inner cheek to fight back a smile when she's lowered onto the bed. and still, tai doesn't kiss her. “you're so annoying,” she mumbles, half-lidded gaze settling on her lips. she has half a mind to not do anything and wait for her to give in, but her restraint is laughably weak, especially because she's not sure if she's going to let themselves get here again any time soon, despite everything that's happened tonight. defeated, mikayla pulls tai down the rest of the way, lips finding hers. she doesn't care how desperate she seems, thinking she has every right to be after earlier.

she laughs, because this night had been kind of a disaster. they're in a good place now, it seems, despite underlying tension and the uncertain future for them, but she knows they've both got a lot to deal with the following day --- which is exactly why tai wants to ignore it all tonight and focus solely only on her. ❝  fine. we can try it again. but there's no way i'm letting you sit that far away again, ❞ she teases. she lets mikayla into her room once they make it --- everything in order, clean and tidy. it always is, because she finally has the ability to control her own space, and she's become obsessive about it, telling herself it's entirely to focus and not just to push back against bad memories. she places mikayla's keys down on her desk, then turns to her, hands instinctively moving to her waist and lightly pulling her in --- mostly, an attempt to ignore whatever awkwardness may come from a change of location. it doesn't have to be awkward, she tells herself; it can be natural. ❝  haven't changed your mind yet, have you? ❞ she asks quietly, her eyes meeting hers.

“then there's no way we'd be focusing on the movie.” the only reason she'd been semi-successful in looking like she was paying attention was the distance that had been between them—without that, she's hopeless. she glances around tai's room; it reminds her of cabin six, probably the cleanest cabin at home, since the athena kids do their best to focus, adhd or not. she has to bite back a joke about how only nerds keep a room so clean, but it wouldn't make sense, not when tai can't know what she's comparing it to. once tai pulls her closer, though, she forgets entirely about all of that, her breath catching amidst her throat. they'd been like this in the car, getting close without worry, for once, but she's still not used to it. admittedly, she's not sure if she'll ever be used to the way her heartrate accelerates around her, but maybe that doesn't have to be considered a bad thing. “not yet,” she says with a slight hum, bringing her arms to wrap around tai's neck. “i am wondering why we're still talking, though.”

she laughs instantly and nods her head. ❝  you don't need to tell me that, ❞ she says, speaking from experience. her eyes narrow in on her for a moment, slowly shaking her head because she knows she can't win that argument; she'd already lost it earlier. ❝  can you blame me? ❞ she asks in a whisper, her eyes darting down to mikayla's lips for a moment, but instead of leaning in to kiss her again, she leans back, getting out of the car instead and moving around to meet her again. ❝  i don't think you and i are very good at watching movies. that was a dumb plan, by the way, ❞ she notes, but she doesn't actually remember whose suggestion it was to begin with. maybe it was hers, maybe it was the only excuse she could come up with to spend the time with her.

mikayla sighs a little too heavily when it seems like tai's going to kiss her, but doesn't, following her lead out of the car. “not that dumb. it worked out... eventually.” not in the way she thought it would, expecting it to end up like the first time, getting together and having to ignore tai for a few more days while she attempts to sort out her feelings. this is better, even if it's scarier. “besides, we've only tried it once. maybe the movie just sucked.” she doesn't even want to attempt watching another, but talking like she does seems less intimidating than thinking about spending the night with her, no distractions, nothing to interrupt them.

she wants to wake up to mikayla, she wants to know that she could sleep peacefully with her all night-- maybe it'd bring her some comfort too, getting to see her first thing in the morning. she also can't shake the feeling that mikayla will be gone when she wakes, but she refuses to think of that yet, focusing only on the present, for once. ❝  well, if you get tired . . . ❞ she trails off with a small laugh. her eyes roll again and she scoffs. ❝  oh, fuck off, ❞ she says, still grinning despite her own anxiety over it --- yeah, she shouldn't be this invested, and yet she is. she pulls into campus, turning her body to mikayla instead of getting out. ❝  sorry to disappoint, but no. ❞  even the idea of just being her girlfriend scares tai, because that's too serious --- too close to what she fucked up last time, even if this is already too serious as it is, too. she moves her hand over to hers, holding it gently. ❝  i don't mean to sound like--- yeah, someone like that. ❞  she needs to be more careful with her words, she thinks, because maybe it sounds a lot more serious than it should. if she's freaking herself out, she's likely doing worse to mikayla, too. ❝  i just don't like most people. ❞ or rather, she just feels like she has to avoid most people.  mikayla makes her feel safe with all the things she can't talk to anyone about, and she's latched onto that, but she tries to deflect now, making a joke--- just as mikayla would. ❝  and i think i owe it to you, since you have to avoid your roommate after you couldn't resist me earlier. ❞

“i have pretty good stamina.” it's less of a tease and more so the truth, because she'd be dead if she tired easily. she laughs again, honestly surprised at herself, because it's not common for her to smile so much, usually found with a look of irritation or anger on her face instead, but as unfamiliar as it is, it's nice. she'd come to college for an attempt at being normal, and tonight, just briefly, she lets herself think maybe that's possible. (she knows better, knows there's no version of her life where she could keep this forever, not only because of her unwillingness to accept herself, but because of factors completely outside of her control, but she wants to make pretend, just a little while.) “sucks to be most people.” mikayla runs her thumb along tai's knuckles, her head shaking as she scoffs. “whatever, you're the one who started it. if you hadn't been staring at me so much, we could have finished the movie.” she doesn't even remember what they were watching in the first place, but that's something she'd rather keep to herself. “maybe we could watch another one.”

it’s not meant to be.

❝  i've got all night with you, ❞ she reminds, grinning over to her for a moment. ❝  and i will take my time, and maybe you'll have to learn something about patience, too, ❞ she teases. she doesn't look over to see her staring, but she feels it, and it brings a rush to her, her hands gripping the steering wheel tighter as they get closer to campus again. she's thrown off by the question, glancing back at her quickly and then looking to the road again, debating how much truth to give her. ❝  no, ❞ she says simply, scoffing after a moment. ❝  no, fuck that. ❞ she noticeably shivers at the thought, because she knows what that could lead to: they'd get clingy, she'd get annoyed, and then she'd have to deal with that. but this is different. she's inviting mikayla to spend the night with her without wanting or needing anything else than to just spend the time with her ( the rest is just a bonus. ) ❝  this is different. ❞  she is.

“so we're not planning to actually sleep at all?” she almost doesn't want to, not necessarily because of anything they could be doing instead, but because she knows that once they fall asleep, at some point, they'll have to wake up and deal with everything, to know all of this was real, instead of just a dream. she's somewhat amused at tai's reaction, comforted now that she knows it's just her; the comfort is short-lived, anxiety threatening to grip around her heart again, because it's starting to feel more serious than she knows how to handle, but she shakes off the feeling. “so we're together just once and you're already whipped.” she laughs, angling her body toward tai once again. “are you sure me spending the night's a good idea? i don't need you trying to propose to me in the morning.”

❝  --- yeah, because you fucking ran a red light, ❞ she reminds with a laugh. as she settles into the driver's seat, she turns back to look at mikayla, eyes narrowing in on her for a moment before she answers. ❝  i am. i have been since we were interrupted--- ❞ she admits, bringing her hand over to rest on mikayla's knee. ❝  but i'm patient enough to get you back there in one piece. ❞   her hand slides away from her, and she turns her attention to the the windshield now, putting the car in drive and getting them turned back around so they can head back to campus. she glances back over to mikayla, shining a lighter smile. ❝  -- you think you can control yourself that long? ❞ 

mikayla rolls her eyes. “because i could make it. i just drive more efficiently, obviously.” it has less to do with efficiency and more to do with the adrenaline, knowing she can't get in trouble, no matter what she does, so long as she doesn't crash. but she can understand how tai might not find it as appealing, so she settles more comfortably in the seat. “guess i need to do better next time if you still have that much patience.” with an overdramatic sigh, she drawls out, “i guess.” she quiets herself after, miraculously, allowing herself just to look at tai instead, hoping she's too focused on driving to notice her staring. it causes her chest to ache, looking at her, but despite that, she's biting back a smile—until she realizes what she's doing and gets a hold of herself, clearing her throat and turning to face the windshield. “do you usually ask girls to stay the night?”

she hums, eyes looking over her for a moment before she nods again. ❝  not a great combo, ❞ she points out, letting out an overdramatic sigh. ❝  sounds like we're going to fuck a lot up together. ❞ but she doesn't mind, for once. maybe she will when she really allows herself to think about what this means in the long run, but she doesn't care right now. maybe all of this might calm things down, give them a way to eventually figure it all out without the chaos -- or maybe that's wishful thinking. with a scoff, she shakes her head. ❝  actually, i'm pretty sure you pulled over so we could make out, ❞ she corrects her. ❝  i never said i would drive before, ❞ she reminds with a small grin. her hand rests against mikayla's cheek gently as she leans in to kiss her again, feeling refreshed and much more relaxed at how calm this has become, because she wasn't sure they'd get there earlier ( maybe if they weren't pulled over on the side of the road, in a car, where they didn't really have anywhere to go, this might've ended differently. ) she rolls her eyes at her teasing, stealing one last, quick kiss before pulling away and getting out of the car to take over. when she gets to the door, she raises a brow. ❝ i'd rather drive like a loser than get us killed by running through stop signs. ❞ she taunts. ❝  because i've got things to do tonight. ❞

it's comforting, in a way, to know that mikayla's not the only one at risk of messing things up between them—she's sure she will be the one to destroy everything, but the slightest chance that it doesn't have to be her makes her feel less guilty about it. “i pulled over because you kept talking about my driving. i thought making out would just be a bonus.” it didn't end up that way, which completely freaked her out in the moment, but it's better now, even if she might not agree later, when she has time to think about it alone. when tai gets out to switch, mikayla just moves over the center of the car, sliding into the passenger seat. and maybe it's a good thing tai clearly doesn't plan on driving as recklessly as she does, because mikayla's position probably isn't the safest, her entire body turned so all of her focus can be on tai. “so you're not in a rush to get me in your room?” her head tilts, resting against the headrest. “i can make it worth it.” she doesn't actually care how fast they get there, because their location doesn't really matter as long as they're together, but teasing her feels more normal, compared to everything else that's happened recently.

it’s a risk to suggest this, part of her feeling like she may way up to an empty bed after mikayla disappeared in the night,  which might just crush her more than not hearing from her at all the next day —- but it’s a risk she’s worth taking,  just so she doesn’t have to say goodbye to her anytime soon,  so that they can continue this honesty they have with each other even if they don’t actually keep talking.  she gives her a nod when she agrees,  but her shoulders deflate as mikayla tells her she just made it harder.  ❝  yeah,  i’m good at making things harder,  ❞   she admits,  which is a reminder that even this step they’ve taken tonight could lead to something disastrous.  all of this is about how mikayla hurt tai,  yet tai knows,  deep down,  that whatever happens to eventually fuck this up will likely be her own fault,  not mikayla’s.  she tries to let that go,  smiling now at mikayla’s taunt.  her forehead slides,  and she laughs against her head,  moving down to press a kiss against mikayla’s jaw,  then her neck,  and back up to her cheek.   ❝  i had a feeling,  ❞  she whispers,  pulling back with a smirk and giving her hand a small squeeze.  ❝  do you want me to drive?  ❞ she's sure mikayla could use the break, at least.

she didn't necessarily mean tai made things harder in a bad way—maybe one day down the road, she'll thank her for it, for forcing mikayla to face all the feelings she's been trying to avoid, because now it's harder to run. “hey, it's okay. i'm good at it, too.” if it weren't for her, the night likely could have gone even better, ending with them actually being something, rather than just the admission that they weren't a mistake. but that's as much as mikayla is able to give right now. each kiss tai gives her lessens her nerves about spending the night together, quieting the voice in her head that tells her all of it is wrong, because it doesn't feel that way. “uh, yeah. that's kind of the entire reason i pulled over, before you, like, attacked me.” there might have been other ulterior motives, but they don't matter anymore. mikayla leans over again to kiss her, because now that she's allowed herself to do it without relentless teasing beforehand, it's hard for her to stop. “just don't drive like a loser, please.”

she brings her hand up to her cheek again as their foreheads press together.  she dreads what will happen tomorrow,  too,  but for now— - she hopes they don’t have to lose whatever progress they’ve made tonight.  ❝  let’s not think about tomorrow.  ❞   an uncharacteristic thing for her to say,  but for once,  she needs to live in this moment.  ❝  stay the night with me, ❞  she asks suddenly, still speaking in a whisper,  quick to clarify.  ❝  i know going back to your room is probably not the most compelling option right now,  and—  i feel like i fucked up a good night by turning it into this,  ❞   she admits, her thumb brushing over her jaw.   ❝  we don’t have to do anything.  we don’t have to talk.  i just want to be with you.  ❞   because she does fear what will happen tomorrow.  she fears how long mikayla will need after all of this to cool off,  to push tai away,  and tai needs something to hold onto —- she needs one night with her,  even if they do nothing,  even if they just lay with each other in silence.  it’s something. 

mikayla hopes it's not too noticeable, the way she hesitates when tai asks her to stay the night with her. it's not that she doesn't want to, but she's scared of what it means for them—it'll be so much harder to wake up and regret everything if tai's the first thing she wakes up to, but maybe that's the point. “okay,” she agrees, because she's not sure if she's even capable of turning tai down when they're this close. “you didn't fuck it up. you just—made things harder for me.” made denying everything so much harder, to the point where she's afraid of how she's going to act after this, if her destructive tendencies might get the best of her after all, all in an attempt to defend herself. because all of this is starting to feel a little too serious, too involved with just their feelings, she lets her gaze drop to tai's lips, a smirk pulling at her own. “but we're definitely going to do something—i was lying earlier, about having self control.”