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@notvictims
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mikayla's getting her own blog unfortunately
@doomdays / “do you think he misses me?” if jackie's being honest with herself, she barely misses jeff. she misses the normalcy with him, the not fucking being here, but it's not like she misses any of their conversations. things were easier with him, but that's all because she wasn't in hell, watching shauna drift away from her, talk with taissa as if jackie's not supposed to be her best friend—at least when she had jeff, she had shauna, too.
she smiles in amusement, because it's easier to tease about it than think about the reality. she wonders if mikayla would want to be anywhere near her if she really knew what happened in those months she spent away from everyone and everything --- but even tai knows that whatever happened out there, it might have been in her the whole time. what she did to allie never really left her mind, even after all that happened in the wilderness that was much. much more brutal, more unforgiveable. she doesn't want to dwell on it herself, and there's no real point in worrying about what mikayla might think--- because tai won't ever reveal it. it's the past, it no longer matters, because it's no longer with her ( something she has to convince herself of. ) ❝ yeah, okay. fine. you're scarier. i'm not complaining, though, ❞ she says as she looks her over. it seems mikayla is harder to keep than she is to get, but she won't say that out loud. ❝ i don't blame you for that. you don't seem like the kind of person who would waste her time if it wasn't what you wanted. ❞ and she knows that says something about their relationship, too. ❝ --- i'm one of the best students you'll meet here. if not the best, ❞ she corrects, because she wants to be the best, so long as she doesn't let any distractions get to her herself. mikayla is proof that that may not just happen, though. ❝ i can do both. help you study and help distract you--- when necessary, ❞ she teases.
tai shrugs her shoulders, pretending to be disappointed. ❝ maybe i don't really care about movies anyway, ❞ she jokes, which is half true anyway. as mikayla's arms move around her neck, she only leans in closer, finding comfort in the way they finally allow this to be natural -- even if it still might only be temporary. it feels easy to resume what they started hours ago, before they were interrupted and before truths were spilled and before tai thought she'd definitely pushed her away for good. but now, she gets to focus on her again-- they're alone, they're comfortable, and tai's reminded of the feeling of being alive that seems to come only from being with her. ❝ good question, ❞ she whispers, leaning her head in -- but again, she doesn't kiss her. instead, her hands slide from her waist down to her back, leaning down to to wrap around her thighs and lift mikayla up into her arms. there's an amused grin on her lips as she carries her over to her bed, laying her down gently before she followers, her body half-rested over top of mikayla's while her hand moves up to mikayla's face, brushing her hair out of the way. she nearly allows them both it, leaning in to kiss her, but she stops again. there's no pulling away this time; she leaves it to mikayla, once again desperate to let her lean in first.
mikayla's not sure if she agrees, because every relationship she's ever had has been an enormous waste of time—all with asshole guys, because if she knew she was going to inevitably break their hearts, she wanted them to deserve it. they're all such a waste of time that she can't even remember half of them, all of their faces blurring together, their names completely lost to her. but that sounds bad, so she doesn't mention it. “one of the most modest, too.” not that she has any room to tease, with an ego her size. “it's fine—if i actually need the help, i know some people.” people who have the deal with the exact same issues as mikayla, but so far, she's managed to get by without much help, having had no choice when she was younger, her dad refusing to acknowledge the fact she needed help. “there's better things we could be doing together than reading.”
she's not used to waiting for the things she wants, as most people give in to her automatically, whether she actually wants them to or not, so she's frustrated every time tai seems like she's going to kiss her, only to stop—it's a good frustration, at least, even if it does make her want to complain. there's a warmth that spreads across her body when she's picked up, having to bite down on her inner cheek to fight back a smile when she's lowered onto the bed. and still, tai doesn't kiss her. “you're so annoying,” she mumbles, half-lidded gaze settling on her lips. she has half a mind to not do anything and wait for her to give in, but her restraint is laughably weak, especially because she's not sure if she's going to let themselves get here again any time soon, despite everything that's happened tonight. defeated, mikayla pulls tai down the rest of the way, lips finding hers. she doesn't care how desperate she seems, thinking she has every right to be after earlier.
she understands why she's fine with it without mikayla having to say it, and that bothers her, too. she wishes it was simpler for mikayla, but she understands what it's like, feeling like your whole life rides on secrets you have to protect with everything. coming out after rescue had been liberating --- it was one narrative she could control, one secret that she could claim, amongst all the ones she could never speak of to anyone ever again. she could take pride in something, and she needed that. she understands the same isn't true for everyone. ❝ i get it, ❞ she says, hoping mikayla sees she understands, too. ❝ but if they piss you off, let me know, and i'll gladly make their lives hell. not that you couldn't handle it yourself. i know you could. you're probably scarier than me, ❞ she teases, speaking it as a compliment. she scoffs, shooting a look at her. ❝ i would have. but i couldn't figure you out, ❞ she says in defense. ❝ didn't know if you were just a tease or you were playing hard to get. now i know it's both, ❞ she jokes. she hums, pretending to think it over for a moment. ❝ yeah, i know you weren't -- ms. 'we're not going to do anything, you know,' ❞ she mocks with a laugh. ❝ ---but i still think you could use some more studying. just in case. ❞
she laughs, because this night had been kind of a disaster. they're in a good place now, it seems, despite underlying tension and the uncertain future for them, but she knows they've both got a lot to deal with the following day --- which is exactly why tai wants to ignore it all tonight and focus solely only on her. ❝ fine. we can try it again. but there's no way i'm letting you sit that far away again, ❞ she teases. she lets mikayla into her room once they make it --- everything in order, clean and tidy. it always is, because she finally has the ability to control her own space, and she's become obsessive about it, telling herself it's entirely to focus and not just to push back against bad memories. she places mikayla's keys down on her desk, then turns to her, hands instinctively moving to her waist and lightly pulling her in --- mostly, an attempt to ignore whatever awkwardness may come from a change of location. it doesn't have to be awkward, she tells herself; it can be natural. ❝ haven't changed your mind yet, have you? ❞ she asks quietly, her eyes meeting hers.
“i'm definitely scarier than you.” she's sure tai has done some things that could be considered worse than mikayla, after being stranded for so long, but that doesn't bother her, because whatever it was that happened out there, it was for survival—and while mikayla's done things just to stay alive, most of the bad things she's done have been out of rage, irritation, not because she has to. she has the upper hand on just about everyone here, being a trained fighter, with the blood of a goddess running through her veins. it's cheating, really. “not playing hard to get. i just am.” yet, somehow, despite all efforts on mikayla's front, she got her—maybe not officially, not something they can put a name on, but she's still hers, even if she's not willing to admit that to herself. “yeah, maybe, but not with you—you're like, the biggest distraction i've ever had to deal with.” which is saying a lot, given how easily distracted she can be when bored.
“then there's no way we'd be focusing on the movie.” the only reason she'd been semi-successful in looking like she was paying attention was the distance that had been between them—without that, she's hopeless. she glances around tai's room; it reminds her of cabin six, probably the cleanest cabin at home, since the athena kids do their best to focus, adhd or not. she has to bite back a joke about how only nerds keep a room so clean, but it wouldn't make sense, not when tai can't know what she's comparing it to. once tai pulls her closer, though, she forgets entirely about all of that, her breath catching amidst her throat. they'd been like this in the car, getting close without worry, for once, but she's still not used to it. admittedly, she's not sure if she'll ever be used to the way her heartrate accelerates around her, but maybe that doesn't have to be considered a bad thing. “not yet,” she says with a slight hum, bringing her arms to wrap around tai's neck. “i am wondering why we're still talking, though.”

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❝ it makes me want to kick their asses, ❞ she says quickly with another eye roll, because now that she's starting to understand the bigger picture, the way they talk about her really makes her angry. ❝ you deserve all control over it, ❞ she insists, though she knows this is likely what mikayla already knows. it's in her protective nature, despite knowing mikayla can clearly and will handle herself. she scoffs and leans her head back. ❝ i said i was pissed. not jealous, ❞ she corrects, but obviously they go hand in hand, and she's already blatantly admitted to it. ❝ okay, so i was jealous. ❞ and she hates that, because she's never had to deal with that before. she's never felt like a back up option or someone who was discarded in place of someone better. realistically, she always knew that wasn't true for mikayla, but it was still hard to watch, and just as easy for her to jump to the worst conclusions. ❝ ending my night like that after you spent all night being a tease? yeah, jealous. mad. it's all the same, ❞ she admits.
she laughs instantly and nods her head. ❝ you don't need to tell me that, ❞ she says, speaking from experience. her eyes narrow in on her for a moment, slowly shaking her head because she knows she can't win that argument; she'd already lost it earlier. ❝ can you blame me? ❞ she asks in a whisper, her eyes darting down to mikayla's lips for a moment, but instead of leaning in to kiss her again, she leans back, getting out of the car instead and moving around to meet her again. ❝ i don't think you and i are very good at watching movies. that was a dumb plan, by the way, ❞ she notes, but she doesn't actually remember whose suggestion it was to begin with. maybe it was hers, maybe it was the only excuse she could come up with to spend the time with her.
she's too desensitized to it for it to bother her anymore, given how men have acted toward her ever since she was in high school. it used to make her violent, but after being repeatedly told to pick her battles, that she can't fight everyone, she's learned just to ignore it. “it's whatever. i've got more important shit to worry about than what stupid guys are saying we did together.” she doesn't mention that it works out for her, in a way, because if everyone is talking about things she's done with guys, then maybe they don't notice the way she looks at tai. hearing her admit to being jealous brings a smile to her face, even though she already knew, her head tilting back against the seat. “it's not my fault you didn't try anything before. i had to make up the stupid studying excuse to get anything to happen.” it is her fault, she knows, because she's been the one with mixed signals. “i wasn't failing anything, by the way.”
mikayla sighs a little too heavily when it seems like tai's going to kiss her, but doesn't, following her lead out of the car. “not that dumb. it worked out... eventually.” not in the way she thought it would, expecting it to end up like the first time, getting together and having to ignore tai for a few more days while she attempts to sort out her feelings. this is better, even if it's scarier. “besides, we've only tried it once. maybe the movie just sucked.” she doesn't even want to attempt watching another, but talking like she does seems less intimidating than thinking about spending the night with her, no distractions, nothing to interrupt them.
mikayla's mexican but her dad fucking sucked so she's extremely disconnected from her own culture and the point of this post is to say she's never had pozole
tai's nose scrunches, and with a glare, she nods back at her. ❝ you're already taking care of that, ❞ she insists, but a small smile starts to crack a moment later. she doesn't really accept her answer, but she reminds herself that she's given others less than that before, too, so maybe this is better than the alternative. at least they're talking again, and she can only hope that's not a temporary thing. ❝ did you? deal with it? ❞ she asks quickly. while she's disappointed that it doesn't seem like they're continuing what they started, she'd rather not lose a friend ( those come so rarely, mostly her own fault, but she's trying not to ruin this too. ) hearing that mikayla missed her too makes her freeze, her heart beating faster because even if she said it first, it's so hard to hear from the girl who ignored her for the past few days. ❝ i know, ❞ she deflects anyway, trying to ignore the pit in her stomach. ❝ i'm surprised you even survived without talking to me for that long. ❞ it's so trivial; it was only a few days, tai has been without the people in her life for much longer, but the normalcy is comfortable, no matter how frustrating. she scoffs, waving her hand in front of her. ❝ oh, i'm pissed. i'm just hungry, ❞ she teases, momentarily trying to ignore how easy it is for her to slip in the compliment and trying not to dissect whether or not she's still trying to flirt with her.
the way mikayla's heart races at the sight of her smile is alarming, something that makes her want to backtrack and decide maybe being friends isn't a good idea after all, not until she can just look at her without her chest aching. “not really. but it's fine.” she might have created bigger problems for herself after exposing a side of herself to sam that she wasn't ready for, but she had to tell someone about it. “i thought about you. if that means anything.” maybe it's not the right thing to say when she's trying to convince the both of them that what happened meant nothing. mikayla's always been the type of girl to not concern herself with anyone else, barely giving a thought to anyone outside herself, so for her mind to be on anyone else is an admission all on its own, but hopefully, she can brush it off as just teasing, even if it's true. she had thought about her, far more than she wanted to, plagued not only by the memory of their night together but what it meant for them that mikayla let herself give in to it. “see? i was right. cute.” in an attempt to occupy herself and not stress too much about finding a balance between flirting, like they have been, and keeping a distance, she plays with the ends of her hair, beginning to walk, making sure to keep a safe distance between them, as if she's afraid of what might happen if they're too close. “what do you want, then? your choice, since i owe you.”
she's not expecting an explanation --- and she doesn't need one, either, because mikayla is allowed to do whatever she wants, even if it'll inevitably make tai jealous. but when she does explain, she feels bad for bringing it up, even if there's a strange sense of relief in it all. she glances over to mikayla, thinking back to a conversation they once had. ❝ so all that shit about your reputation--- you let them talk about you like that? ❞ it annoys her, not because she doesn't understand the need to hide something, but because the people who talk about her are only using it all to their own advantage, and she wonders if it really doesn't bother her. ❝ --- did you want me to think that, too? ❞ she asks, against her better judgement. she probably shouldn't, but now she's too curious.
she wants to wake up to mikayla, she wants to know that she could sleep peacefully with her all night-- maybe it'd bring her some comfort too, getting to see her first thing in the morning. she also can't shake the feeling that mikayla will be gone when she wakes, but she refuses to think of that yet, focusing only on the present, for once. ❝ well, if you get tired . . . ❞ she trails off with a small laugh. her eyes roll again and she scoffs. ❝ oh, fuck off, ❞ she says, still grinning despite her own anxiety over it --- yeah, she shouldn't be this invested, and yet she is. she pulls into campus, turning her body to mikayla instead of getting out. ❝ sorry to disappoint, but no. ❞ even the idea of just being her girlfriend scares tai, because that's too serious --- too close to what she fucked up last time, even if this is already too serious as it is, too. she moves her hand over to hers, holding it gently. ❝ i don't mean to sound like--- yeah, someone like that. ❞ she needs to be more careful with her words, she thinks, because maybe it sounds a lot more serious than it should. if she's freaking herself out, she's likely doing worse to mikayla, too. ❝ i just don't like most people. ❞ or rather, she just feels like she has to avoid most people. mikayla makes her feel safe with all the things she can't talk to anyone about, and she's latched onto that, but she tries to deflect now, making a joke--- just as mikayla would. ❝ and i think i owe it to you, since you have to avoid your roommate after you couldn't resist me earlier. ❞
“they're going to do it anyway.” mikayla shrugs dismissively. and while, yes, she could make them keep quiet, it's too draining to use her powers that often—it's not always permanent, either, so it would require a lot of follow up, which isn't something mikayla's interested in doing, both because she can hardly remember which boys she's been seen with, and because she never wanted to be around them the first time, let alone a second. “i should at least have some control over it.” she does, because depending on what some of them claim they did together, she'll say something worse, ruining their reputations for the sake of her own amusement. “i don't know. yes and no, i guess.” yes, because it might have been easier to stop all of this if tai thought she really was just straight, though mikayla knows her behavior toward her makes that hard to believe; but no, because mikayla still hopes tai knew better than that. “you're cute when you're jealous, so it wouldn't have hurt.” not her, at least.
“i have pretty good stamina.” it's less of a tease and more so the truth, because she'd be dead if she tired easily. she laughs again, honestly surprised at herself, because it's not common for her to smile so much, usually found with a look of irritation or anger on her face instead, but as unfamiliar as it is, it's nice. she'd come to college for an attempt at being normal, and tonight, just briefly, she lets herself think maybe that's possible. (she knows better, knows there's no version of her life where she could keep this forever, not only because of her unwillingness to accept herself, but because of factors completely outside of her control, but she wants to make pretend, just a little while.) “sucks to be most people.” mikayla runs her thumb along tai's knuckles, her head shaking as she scoffs. “whatever, you're the one who started it. if you hadn't been staring at me so much, we could have finished the movie.” she doesn't even remember what they were watching in the first place, but that's something she'd rather keep to herself. “maybe we could watch another one.”
i told you i was going to make you all look at it

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TAYLOR SWIFT’S MIDNIGHTS *3AM EDITION (2022) ALBUM PROMPTS
ₓ ˚ . ୭ ˚ ○ ◦ ˚ as always, some triggering content may be present! change any pronouns to better suit your muse(s) needs! ˚ ◦ ○ ˚ ୧ . ˚ ₓ
all i used to do was pray.
we survived the great war.
we were supposed to be just friends.
karma’s gonna track you down.
i don’t dress for men.
‘cause i care.
i feel you, no matter what.
i told you none of it was accidental.
i vowed i would always be yours.
someone told his white-collar crimes to the fbi.
'cause it’s all over.
i’m only cryptic and machiavellian.
we were somewhere else.
you handle it beautifully.
let’s dance.
what’s a girl gonna do?
what could’ve been, would’ve been you.
i lost you.
it turned into something bigger.
that’s a real fucking legacy to leave.
do i really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?
you’ve got no reason to be afraid.
did you leave her house in the middle of the night?
i wake up screaming from dreaming.
i’m damned if i do give a damn what people say.
i can’t let this go.
i prefer hiding in plain sight.
i end up in crisis.
my hand was the one you reached for.
checkmate, i couldn’t lose.
you’re talking shit for the hell of it.
every single one of your friends was making fun of you.
draw the cat eye sharp enough to kill a man.
no one wanted to play with me as a little kid.
you would break your back to make me break a smile.
now that i know, i wish you’d left me wondering.
i hosted parties and starved my body.
i vow i will always be yours.
you said i have to trust more freely.
sadness became my whole sky.
it’s just a question.
i’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror.
it’s like snow at the beach.
there were pages turned with the bridges burned.
if i was a child, did it matter?
what if i told you i’m a mastermind?
i think it’s time to teach some lessons.
i see you every day now.
i’m the wind in our free-flowing sails.
the system’s breaking down.
i keep my side of the street clean.
the jokes weren’t funny.
did some force take you bеcause i didn’t pray?
somewhere in the haze, got a sense i’d been betrayed.
do you wish you could still touch her?
i remember.
a diamond’s gotta shine.
it’s me, hi.
i will always be yours.
maybe it was her.
you know there’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love.
some guy said my aura’s moonstone.
you wouldn’t know what i mean.
he was sunshine, i was midnight rain.
i don’t dress for villains.
we were born to be the pawn.
you were on something.
i saw something they can’t take away.
you’re on your own, kid.
i wake with your memory over me.
if clarity’s in death, then why won’t this die?
yeah, all you did was smile.
yeah, you can face this.
by the way, i’m going out tonight.
you were bigger than the whole sky.
i saw flecks of what could’ve been lights.
pierced through the heart, but never killed.
you said i was freeloading.
how’d we end up on the floor, anyway?
turns out, it was that guy you hooked up with ages ago.
lately, i’ve been dressing’ for revenge.
my pennies made your crown.
he never thinks of me.
did you see the photos?“
i feel the lavender haze creeping up on me.
do i really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?
i just wanna stay.
ain’t that the way shit always ends?
time can’t stop me quite like you did.
i think i’ve been too good of a girl.
did all the extra credit, then got graded on a curve.
i really thought i’d lost you.
saw a wide smirk on your face.
life is emotionally abusive.
don’t get sad, get even.
god rest my soul.
i broke his heart 'cause he was nice.
i miss you.
i’m on my vigilante shit again.
you’re a crisis of my faith.
seemed like the right thing at the time.
you might have to wait in line.
i could still say, "i don’t remember”.
you should be doing more.
i have this thing where i get older, but just never wiser.
i didn’t choose this town, i dream of getting out.
i just may like some explanations.
i just may like to have a conversation.
they said the end is coming.
we can plant a memory garden.
one day, i’ll watch as you’re leaving.
best believe i’m still bejeweled.
life will lose all its meaning.
we lost track of time again.
it’s okay, we’re the best of friends.
i’d go back to wanting dudes who give nothing.
i think there’s been a glitch.
i’m not even sorry.
you know how scared i am of elevators.
sometimes i wonder which one’ll be your last lie.
i was taken by the view.
karma’s a relaxing thought.
can i ask you a question?
it’s fine to fake it 'til you make it.
it must be counterfeit.
i’m unglued, thanks to you.
maybe it was egos swinging.
that’s nice, i’m sure that’s what’s suitable.
she’s laughing up at us from hell.
you should find another.
he wanted it comfortable, i wanted that pain.
i can still make the whole place shimmer.
diesel is desire, you were playing with fire.
this is the first time i’ve felt the need to confess.
no one sees when you lose when you’re playing solitaire.
'cause i’m a mastermind.
they’re bringing up my history.
you don’t ever say too much.
now that i’m grown, i’m scared of ghosts.
i could’ve gone on as i was.
putting someone first only works when you’re in their top five.
i’ve never seen someone lit from within.
i don’t dress for friends.
there’s no morning glory, it was war, it wasn’t fair.
i play it cool with the best of them.
sit quiet by my side in the shade.
never trust it if it rises fast.
i touch my phone as if it’s your face.
addicted to betrayal, but you’re relevant.
i chose you.
i never think of him.
this happens all the time.
you got tired of my scheming.
i knew i wanted your body.
but for him, it’s every day.
it might just have been you.
she needed cold, hard proof, so i gave her some.
i fight with you in my sleep.
i don’t remember who i was.
ladies know what people want.
ladies always rise above.
that means you did it right.
you don’t have to answer.
i think i’ve been a little too kind.
i’m so in love that i might stop breathing.
i gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this.
everything you lose is a step you take.
maybe it’s the past that’s talking.
get it off your chest.
all the stars aligned.
it can’t last.
we almost forgot it.
it only hurts this much right now.
i’ve got a lot to pine about.
did you hear my covert narcissism i disguise as altruism?
pick somewhere and just run.
i vowed not to fight anymore.
the wound won’t close.
i’ve got a lot to live without.
make sure you don’t miss.
you and i ended up in the same room.
i picked the petals, he loves me not.
meet me at midnight.
ask me what i learned from all those years.
i swear that it was something.
all the outfits were terrible.
it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.
i’ll be gettin’ over you my whole life.
it’s all over now, all out to sea.
i’d pay if you’d just know me.
no deal.
i waited ages to see you there.
i regret you all the time.
all that you ever wanted from me was nothing.
i made you my world, have you heard?
now you’re mine.
every single thing i touch becomes sick with sadness.
i don’t even dare to wish it.
to you, i can admit that i’m just too soft for all of it.
that was the night i nearly lost you.
i’m the problem, it’s me.
i thought the plane was going down.
every single thing to come has turned into ashes.
so i justified it.
i wrote a poem.
we will never go back.
you tried to erase us.
tonight feels impossible.
i have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money.
you wouldn’t take my word for it if you knew who was talking.
he was sunshine, i was midnight rain.
aren’t you envious that for you it’s not?
give me back my girlhood, it was mine first.
i bent the truth too far tonight.
my town was a wasteland.
you were more than just a short time.
you should find another.
she looks so pretty.
he wanted a bride, i was making my own name.
they said the end is coming.
can this be a real thing?
did you wish you’d put up more of a fight?
i took the money.
if you never touched me, i would’ve.
i should not be left to my own devices.
the god’s honest truth is that the pain was heaven.
you knew the entire time.
i find myself running home to your sweet nothings.
i damn sure never would’ve danced with the devil.
never take advice from someone who’s falling apart.
i polish up nice.
you can try to change my mind.
my friends from home don’t know what to say.
you don’t live in my part of town, but maybe i’ll see you out some weekend.
she thinks i left them in the will.
you made me feel important.
i wanna brainwash you.
i’m a monster on the hill.
i’m falling in love again.
i’ll run away.
don’t put mе in the basement.
me and karma vibe like that.
i miss who i used to be.
midnights become my afternoons.
get it off my desk.
picture me, thick as thieves, with your ex-wife.
i keep on waiting for a sign.
i don’t dress for women.
memories feel like weapons.
i’m fastening myself to you with a stitch.
i been under scrutiny.
then what did you do?
we had one thing going on.
my flight was awful, thanks for asking.
i find it dizzying.
all of me changed like midnight.
you weren’t even listening.
what could’ve been, would’ve been.
she was on your mind with some dickhead guy.
everybody just expects me to bounce back.
it’s coming back around.
i’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since.
i spy with my little tired eye..
do you really wanna know where i was april 29th?
i don’t start shit, but i can tell you how it ends.
i thought we had no chance.
ask me what i earned from all those tears.
i hear it in your voice, you’re smoking with your boys.
all this shit is new to me.
you knew that i’m a mastermind.
had to do it this way.
if i’d only played it safe.
romance is not dead if you keep it just yours.
it only feels this raw right now.
nothing was gonna stop me.
was what i was thinking the whole time?
i can’t speak, afraid to jinx it.
they say looks can kill and i might try.
you did some bad things, but i’m the worst of them.
do i really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?
it’s never enough.
but for some, it was paradise.
i didn’t know you were keeping count.
everyone’s up to something.
there’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love.
i vowed not to cry anymore.
what if i told you none of it was accidental?
how the hell did we lose sight of us again?
it was one drink after another.
i would’ve stayed on my knees.
don’t you know that cash ain’t the only price?
big city, wrong choices.
living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts.
it’s not meant to be.
tai nods her head slowly, only more curious about what mikayla has said around their place. there's comfort in knowing that if tara hadn't told tai about mikayla talking about her, because it means she could trust her with her own venting. she decides, for some reason, to give mikayla a little more. ❝ --- i was with her one night after we . . . after you and i were, i don't know, doing whatever bullshit we do. ❞ flirting, light touching, all of which lead to nothing, the first time she'd really wondered if mikayla was actually rejecting her. she was annoyed, because she couldn't figure something out, and she hates that --- and she'd likely given away enough clues for tara to immediately assume. ❝ i thought something was going to happen. and then you went off with some guy, and---- fuck, i don't want to know what happened, but i was mad, ❞ she admits. ❝ probably annoyed the crap out of tara that night. ❞ she wouldn't admit outright that she was jealous, even though she's made it clear that's what she felt. her eyes stay on the road as she explains, wondering if she should've said anything at all, but mikayla was open with her, so it doesn't feel like such a bad thing to do the same.
❝ i've got all night with you, ❞ she reminds, grinning over to her for a moment. ❝ and i will take my time, and maybe you'll have to learn something about patience, too, ❞ she teases. she doesn't look over to see her staring, but she feels it, and it brings a rush to her, her hands gripping the steering wheel tighter as they get closer to campus again. she's thrown off by the question, glancing back at her quickly and then looking to the road again, debating how much truth to give her. ❝ no, ❞ she says simply, scoffing after a moment. ❝ no, fuck that. ❞ she noticeably shivers at the thought, because she knows what that could lead to: they'd get clingy, she'd get annoyed, and then she'd have to deal with that. but this is different. she's inviting mikayla to spend the night with her without wanting or needing anything else than to just spend the time with her ( the rest is just a bonus. ) ❝ this is different. ❞ she is.
mikayla falls silent for a moment, unsure of what to do with that. it's stupid, because the point had always been to make her jealous, as well as hide from the truth, but it's different, having to hear about it after the fact. she feels bad, not for whatever guy she'd been using that night, but that it bothered tai so much. (it was probably worse for tara, who would have known that mikayla wasn't interested, but thankfully hadn't said anything.) “i don't do anything most of the time.” she says, as if that helps, as if that takes away from whatever she'd made tai feel any time it happened. “like, i get them alone, yeah, but nothing happens after. i just let them say something did.” she doesn't mention the few times where something would happen, when mikayla would force herself into it, as if that would magically turn her into something she's not. even then, it was tai she thought about, but still, she's pretty sure she doesn't want to know.
“so we're not planning to actually sleep at all?” she almost doesn't want to, not necessarily because of anything they could be doing instead, but because she knows that once they fall asleep, at some point, they'll have to wake up and deal with everything, to know all of this was real, instead of just a dream. she's somewhat amused at tai's reaction, comforted now that she knows it's just her; the comfort is short-lived, anxiety threatening to grip around her heart again, because it's starting to feel more serious than she knows how to handle, but she shakes off the feeling. “so we're together just once and you're already whipped.” she laughs, angling her body toward tai once again. “are you sure me spending the night's a good idea? i don't need you trying to propose to me in the morning.”
❝ once, ❞ she repeats, clearly in disbelief and even more amused. ❝ i guess i should be glad that you talked to someone about it. ❞ because clearly, she wasn't going to talk to her about it --- until she unintentionally forced something out of her. when she says the same for her, her laughter starts to quiet, and she shifts uncomfortably. her brows furrow and she looks back at mikayla, more seriously now. ❝ i would never--- you know . . . talk about you to someone. like that. ❞ she would never out her, she means; it's not that she doesn't want to talk about her. she finds herself craving it with everyone she meets --- there's so much she wants to say about mikayla, the good and the bad, because it's the first time in a long time she's felt alive, just by being around her. ❝ not that i don't want to talk about you. ❞ spoken with affection, but it's too serious, so she continues. ❝ especially when you piss me off, ❞ she adds, a small smile tugging at her lips. ❝ but--- i just want you to know that. tara, though, she-- she fucking guessed, so, yeah. i might've said something about you. like, once, ❞ she says, repeating her words back to her with the same lie.
❝ --- yeah, because you fucking ran a red light, ❞ she reminds with a laugh. as she settles into the driver's seat, she turns back to look at mikayla, eyes narrowing in on her for a moment before she answers. ❝ i am. i have been since we were interrupted--- ❞ she admits, bringing her hand over to rest on mikayla's knee. ❝ but i'm patient enough to get you back there in one piece. ❞ her hand slides away from her, and she turns her attention to the the windshield now, putting the car in drive and getting them turned back around so they can head back to campus. she glances back over to mikayla, shining a lighter smile. ❝ -- you think you can control yourself that long? ❞
she didn't really have a choice, because she'd felt like she was going to explode if she didn't have someone to talk to, which was strange, because she's never had issues keeping everything to herself before. every other crush she's ever had has been handled entirely on her own, because it was never important enough to open up to anyone else about it, knowing it would only be temporary. “she didn't guess.” mikayla adds hesitantly, since it technically makes two people she's told, though tara hadn't been completely intentional. “she was just there the night that i—so, she heard.” it relaxes her that tara clearly hadn't mentioned anything about it to tai, despite mikayla not even being her friend, really, so she's grateful for that, even if now, there's a pressing urge to bother her until she finds out what tai's said about her.
mikayla rolls her eyes. “because i could make it. i just drive more efficiently, obviously.” it has less to do with efficiency and more to do with the adrenaline, knowing she can't get in trouble, no matter what she does, so long as she doesn't crash. but she can understand how tai might not find it as appealing, so she settles more comfortably in the seat. “guess i need to do better next time if you still have that much patience.” with an overdramatic sigh, she drawls out, “i guess.” she quiets herself after, miraculously, allowing herself just to look at tai instead, hoping she's too focused on driving to notice her staring. it causes her chest to ache, looking at her, but despite that, she's biting back a smile—until she realizes what she's doing and gets a hold of herself, clearing her throat and turning to face the windshield. “do you usually ask girls to stay the night?”
her eyes immediately widen at her words, because with all the back and forth, she just assumed that mikayla wouldn't talk to anyone about it. ❝ what--- ❞ she mutters under her breath, yet there's certainly validation in knowing that she's talking to anyone about it at all, because it does mean something. and tai might be upset about that--- if she hadn't been going to sam's sister, the same way. ❝ so you tell sam about-- me? ❞ she asks, ignoring her deflection. an amused smile spreads over her lips and she shrugs her shoulders. ❝ guess i should steer clear of her then. who knows what kind of shit she thinks about me now, ❞ she teases, in her own deflection, because maybe mikayla hadn't said all good things.
she hums, eyes looking over her for a moment before she nods again. ❝ not a great combo, ❞ she points out, letting out an overdramatic sigh. ❝ sounds like we're going to fuck a lot up together. ❞ but she doesn't mind, for once. maybe she will when she really allows herself to think about what this means in the long run, but she doesn't care right now. maybe all of this might calm things down, give them a way to eventually figure it all out without the chaos -- or maybe that's wishful thinking. with a scoff, she shakes her head. ❝ actually, i'm pretty sure you pulled over so we could make out, ❞ she corrects her. ❝ i never said i would drive before, ❞ she reminds with a small grin. her hand rests against mikayla's cheek gently as she leans in to kiss her again, feeling refreshed and much more relaxed at how calm this has become, because she wasn't sure they'd get there earlier ( maybe if they weren't pulled over on the side of the road, in a car, where they didn't really have anywhere to go, this might've ended differently. ) she rolls her eyes at her teasing, stealing one last, quick kiss before pulling away and getting out of the car to take over. when she gets to the door, she raises a brow. ❝ i'd rather drive like a loser than get us killed by running through stop signs. ❞ she taunts. ❝ because i've got things to do tonight. ❞
mikayla hates the way she doesn't think before she speaks, because it puts her in situations like this. she's not surprised that tai ignores her attempt to brush it off, because she would have done the exact same thing. “i mentioned you, like, once. it's not a big deal.” it's more than that, and she's sure that's obvious, but it's the only save she can think of. “like you haven't talked about me to other people.” she's not sure if she has, because sam hasn't told her anything from tara, but she wants to believe she's not the only one—she has to believe it, actually, because if not, it's a little embarrassing to think about.
it's comforting, in a way, to know that mikayla's not the only one at risk of messing things up between them—she's sure she will be the one to destroy everything, but the slightest chance that it doesn't have to be her makes her feel less guilty about it. “i pulled over because you kept talking about my driving. i thought making out would just be a bonus.” it didn't end up that way, which completely freaked her out in the moment, but it's better now, even if she might not agree later, when she has time to think about it alone. when tai gets out to switch, mikayla just moves over the center of the car, sliding into the passenger seat. and maybe it's a good thing tai clearly doesn't plan on driving as recklessly as she does, because mikayla's position probably isn't the safest, her entire body turned so all of her focus can be on tai. “so you're not in a rush to get me in your room?” her head tilts, resting against the headrest. “i can make it worth it.” she doesn't actually care how fast they get there, because their location doesn't really matter as long as they're together, but teasing her feels more normal, compared to everything else that's happened recently.
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a part of her always understood that, which is why she never felt like she was actually wasting her time sticking around and waiting, too. but there was a part of her that worried that mikayla was the kind of girl who really did just like to play games, to keep her on the hook just to have someone there. she’s never experienced that herself before, not with the way she’s so quick to keep moving on to the next, but she knows enough to know wasting her time with someone like that would’ve really hurt her. ❝ like you said, i’m smart, ❞ she says, shrugging her shoulders because it’s a small deflection from the intimacy of her words — far too close to what they both obvious think but don’t know how to put into words, that they obviously have real feelings for each other.
it’s not lost on her, how everything about tonight could be classified as a date, but if she would’ve gone into it with that mindset, she probably would have freaked herself out, too. ❝ i think you and i are pretty dramatic as it is, ❞ she points out, more lightheartedly than it is serious. her eyes look over her for a long moment before she nods her head, because she knows that’s not as simple as she’s requesting —- she knows to expect her to disappear again. but at least the difference this time is that she might actually have some sort of answer for it. ❝ —- thanks, ❞ she mumbles anyway. at least mikayla might think about what it does to tai, and that’s enough, for now.
it’s a risk to suggest this, part of her feeling like she may way up to an empty bed after mikayla disappeared in the night, which might just crush her more than not hearing from her at all the next day —- but it’s a risk she’s worth taking, just so she doesn’t have to say goodbye to her anytime soon, so that they can continue this honesty they have with each other even if they don’t actually keep talking. she gives her a nod when she agrees, but her shoulders deflate as mikayla tells her she just made it harder. ❝ yeah, i’m good at making things harder, ❞ she admits, which is a reminder that even this step they’ve taken tonight could lead to something disastrous. all of this is about how mikayla hurt tai, yet tai knows, deep down, that whatever happens to eventually fuck this up will likely be her own fault, not mikayla’s. she tries to let that go, smiling now at mikayla’s taunt. her forehead slides, and she laughs against her head, moving down to press a kiss against mikayla’s jaw, then her neck, and back up to her cheek. ❝ i had a feeling, ❞ she whispers, pulling back with a smirk and giving her hand a small squeeze. ❝ do you want me to drive? ❞ she's sure mikayla could use the break, at least.
“i know,” she agrees when tai calls them dramatic. “pretty sure sam's already sick of hearing about it.” it takes a moment for her to realize what she just admitted to, but when she does, she grimaces, her face growing warm. it's bad enough that mikayla had to talk about her feelings with tai, almost, but she didn't need her to know she's talked about them with someone else, especially if she's trying to pass them off as not serious. “i didn't mean that.” mikayla doesn't expect tai to believe the lie, but saying it makes her feel better anyway, as if brushing it off makes it any less true.
she didn't necessarily mean tai made things harder in a bad way—maybe one day down the road, she'll thank her for it, for forcing mikayla to face all the feelings she's been trying to avoid, because now it's harder to run. “hey, it's okay. i'm good at it, too.” if it weren't for her, the night likely could have gone even better, ending with them actually being something, rather than just the admission that they weren't a mistake. but that's as much as mikayla is able to give right now. each kiss tai gives her lessens her nerves about spending the night together, quieting the voice in her head that tells her all of it is wrong, because it doesn't feel that way. “uh, yeah. that's kind of the entire reason i pulled over, before you, like, attacked me.” there might have been other ulterior motives, but they don't matter anymore. mikayla leans over again to kiss her, because now that she's allowed herself to do it without relentless teasing beforehand, it's hard for her to stop. “just don't drive like a loser, please.”
taissa didn’t mean for all of this to spiral the way it did —- she was just bothered, and maybe most of it was selfish, because hearing how quick mikayla was to dismiss their time together had hurt worse than she could even process. tai was so good at keeping her distance, at not letting anything with any girl mean anything, because it was safer for all of them that way—- and yet, mikayla had found her way into those cracks, and tai didn’t know how to push her away, even with mikayla giving her every opportunity to take for it to end. there’s some relief in knowing she has a better understanding of mikayla and why she does the things she does—- but it doesn’t make it all better, it just makes it hurt more.
she frowns, because she can feel that it’s not entirely okay with mikayla, and tai isn’t the kind of person to fight for her apology, either —— if it had been her, cornered like this, the way tai accidentally led her into, she’d be angry. she might already be out of this car, walking her way back to campus. mikayla’s still here and that means something. so she does what she can to hopefully make up for it, to make things comfortable again. ❝ yeah. you have, ❞ she admits, but it’s not accusatory this time, it comes from a place of understanding. ❝ i’m not really—- uh, good, i guess, with not knowing what’s going on. i don’t like not having answers, ❞ she admits, and that confession is her attempt to open up, too. when she doesn’t have clarity, she can be harsh, she can be stubborn. she took that out on mikayla, too. ❝ i guess it was kind of just driving me crazy, a little. thinking that you didn’t . . . ❞ she sighs, because the rest of her words get caught in her throat. thinking that she didn’t feel the same, that she didn’t enjoy their time together the same way. ❝ i just needed to know something. that you weren’t just someone who—- ❞ she scoffs, a small smile barely tugging at her lips. ❝ — i don’t know, someone like me, who usually doesn’t give a shit. ❞ but she obviously does now, mikayla being the one person who managed to get that close.
she rolls her eyes, her head falling back slightly as she lets out a small laugh. ❝ god, no, that’s not what i’m suggesting. ❞ and again, she gives her another small piece of her history, admitting something that may only remind them both that her teenage years hadn’t been normal. ❝ i’ve never even been on a date. i’d probably fuck that up, ❞ she admits, even though she knows she’s joking, but there’s a small bit of vulnerability and insecurity that comes with it. ❝ i just mean—- we don’t get caught up in . . . trying to put a name to any of this, or anything. and if you need to push the brakes, you—- tell me. ❞ her last words are hopeful, a plea to not leave her in the dark. she lets out a sigh of relief to hear, directly, that mikayla doesn’t want to lose her, her features softening as she looks back at hr now. she melts into the kiss, feeling all that anger and frustration and sadness all wash away for a moment, focusing only on the comfort of the intimate kiss. it’s not what she wanted for herself, but now, it’s what she wants with her.
she brings her hand up to her cheek again as their foreheads press together. she dreads what will happen tomorrow, too, but for now— - she hopes they don’t have to lose whatever progress they’ve made tonight. ❝ let’s not think about tomorrow. ❞ an uncharacteristic thing for her to say, but for once, she needs to live in this moment. ❝ stay the night with me, ❞ she asks suddenly, still speaking in a whisper, quick to clarify. ❝ i know going back to your room is probably not the most compelling option right now, and— i feel like i fucked up a good night by turning it into this, ❞ she admits, her thumb brushing over her jaw. ❝ we don’t have to do anything. we don’t have to talk. i just want to be with you. ❞ because she does fear what will happen tomorrow. she fears how long mikayla will need after all of this to cool off, to push tai away, and tai needs something to hold onto —- she needs one night with her, even if they do nothing, even if they just lay with each other in silence. it’s something.
really, mikayla should have thought more about how the way she's been acting must have been affecting tai, somehow. for someone who acts like the world revolves around her, it's difficult for her to consider how her actions actually impact other people, even those she cares about; it shouldn't be that hard, since she's been just as confused, unsure if tai actually gave a shit, or if she just wanted mikayla in bed again, because it's easier to imagine the latter than the former. “just so you know, i wouldn't have come back. if i didn't—i don't know. want more.” she's not the type to waste her time for the sake of people's feelings, so if there wasn't something drawing her back to tai, if everything that happened between them was genuinely just a mistake, tai would have never seen mikayla again—she's never had trouble cutting others off in the past, destroying relationships because she could, so her staying counts for something.
dating isn't something she's ready for, since she's not even ready for whatever is happening here, but the thought makes her sad—if she were a different person, more in tune with the love aspect of her lineage, rather than just the beauty, and more importantly, if she were able to admit she even wanted that, maybe she'd be able to plan to change that. it would be something dramatic, over the top, just because she has the means, but she's not like the rest of her siblings. “it's just, like... a more dramatic form of hanging out.” maybe the clarification doesn't help, because then even just tonight could have been classified as a date—the movie, the drive, all of it, and that's not something mikayla's ready to think about. “i can try.” she can't promise to always give tai warning before she pulls back, since most of the time, it happens too suddenly, when she's too far in her own head, but she can promise to try harder at it, at least.
mikayla hopes it's not too noticeable, the way she hesitates when tai asks her to stay the night with her. it's not that she doesn't want to, but she's scared of what it means for them—it'll be so much harder to wake up and regret everything if tai's the first thing she wakes up to, but maybe that's the point. “okay,” she agrees, because she's not sure if she's even capable of turning tai down when they're this close. “you didn't fuck it up. you just—made things harder for me.” made denying everything so much harder, to the point where she's afraid of how she's going to act after this, if her destructive tendencies might get the best of her after all, all in an attempt to defend herself. because all of this is starting to feel a little too serious, too involved with just their feelings, she lets her gaze drop to tai's lips, a smirk pulling at her own. “but we're definitely going to do something—i was lying earlier, about having self control.”