came in like a hurricane

jack’s words don’t comfort riley, because they aren’t most. they were supposed to be special. at least, that’s how it felt when jack touched her. but she doesn’t say that. she just tries to listen, without bias now. without her own fear clouding things. she waits, till the end. till jack gets all her words out, because she doesn’t want to interrupt. she wants to choose to actively be part of this. because she wants to understand, really. 

she twines her hand with jack’s, kissing the blonde’s head again. “you just try and keep me away. i’m not going anywhere, baby.” and there’s a smile, blooming on her lips when she looks at their hands and says, “and you’re exactly who i thought you were. yeah, some of the details are different. but you’re still the girl i fell in love with.” 

riley untangles their fingers, and reaches her hand to tug at jack’s knee, twisting her in her lap so that jack’s side was against riley’s front, her legs draped over one of the redhead’s. she wasn’t usually one for changing things when they touched, usually liking where jack led her. but she wanted to see her now. 

“i just need to know, okay? i need you to tell me things. i get that it’s hard, and i’m probably the worst person to be asking this.” there’s a flicker there, in brown eyes. “i just don’t want to wake up one day, and realize i didn’t know how you felt at all.” her chest clenched, unevenly. and there’s a sad smile on her lips now. “just don’t go where i can’t follow, okay? because i’ll follow you anywhere. i just need a map so i don’t get lost on the way.” 

Jack stretches out her legs for a moment from the new position, arching her back and feelings something give a satisfying pop before curling up once more against Riley's chest. The sea breeze is causing her hair to fall in her face more often than not but she's okay with it, helps calm her. She nods, knowing that she needs to keep Riley in the loop now when it comes to matters of, well, her. "Okay... Okay, I'll do my best to keep you in the loop. It's just hard for me, ya know? Not even Tara... God, Tara would kill me. She is gonna kill me."

The blonde licked her lips, tasting blood from where she'd bit down too hard. "I promise you that I won't go where you can't follow. Unless it's on a call because you're not allowed in burning buildings. Just me." She chuckled dryly, remembering that she couldn't do the job she loved for a month. Fuck. She needed to get her mind off of this sad shit. She didn't want to do this sad thing when she was on the beach with the girl she loved, watching the night sky take hold of one of California's many beaches.

her face goes into jack’s shoulder after the call, eyes only peeking out slightly, looking up towards the horizon. it feels like there’s a slight weight off of her shoulders, and it feels like she can let the scent of jack’s shampoo — coming off of both of them, finally permeate her mind. 

“jack?” she mumbles, her words mostly muffled by the girl’s clothes. her fingers are peeking underneath the blonde’s shirt, finding the soft skin of her midsection like an anchor. “i’m—” she lets out a soft sigh, choosing to close her eyes to collect her thoughts. “i’m sorry, for before.” riley shakes her head, adjusting to press her chin back upon jack’s shoulder, so her words don’t get tied up in the girl’s sweatshirt. it was easier, like this. to think without hazel eyes. as much as she loved them, they turned her mind to mush.

“i meant it when i said i’m all in.” did jack realize just how all she meant? riley had to think. she had to remember just how much she’d said out loud to her. how much wasn’t just thoughts, and dreams. how much wasn’t the things she thought quietly to herself, in the moments before she had to wake jack up for her concussion, running her fingers through blonde hair. 

her thumb cuts across the girl’s ribcage, hidden underneath her jacket, using the rise and fall of jack’s breath as a metronome for her own. “it’s just — hard, to connect it all. to see where i fucked up. where i didn’t step in. it’s not like we were just — a thing. i was, i am, your best friend. and i just let you drown.” 

there’s a heaviness, as her words let on a lot more than even she knew, and her eyes open again. “drinking isn’t something i’ve ever really gotten an experience with. all i know is what i’ve seen. and it’s scary.” her hand stills on jack’s skin. “i don’t like thinking about you in pain. sometimes it feels like when you hurt, there’s some sort of switch in me, and all i can think about is how to get you out of it.” 

her hands move, resting on jack’s legs, her lips going to press a kiss to her girlfriend’s head, lingering there. “and this isn’t going to be as simple as putting on a bandaid, or kissing you, or letting you fall asleep on my chest.” riley squeezes the girl’s knees. “but i’m here.” her voice drops, along with her gaze. “because i love you. and— i want you for a lot longer than forever.” 

Eyes remain closed as Riley starts to talk to her, hearing how muffled she sounds because her mouth is pressed into her shoulder. She chuckles and allows Riley's chin to rest on her shoulder without being a brat and jerking it up and down. The blonde just continues to rest against her, going into a relaxed state at the fingers pressing into her skin in such a gentle manner. From the second that Riley sounds hesitant, she knew that their moment of happiness had faded. Well, somewhat. So she kept quiet still, breathing as evenly as she could while she waited for the bomb to drop. But it didn't. All that came to light was what Jack knew deep down. Riley had put her up on some sort of pedestal and she was only just now realizing that she was... Kind of messed up. Like most everyone else.

As soon as hands rest on her legs, Jack feels something stir in her stomach and she has to quiet that part of her down. No, she cannot resort to that each time something makes her feel sad or anxious or... any kind of negative emotion, really. Clearing her throat, she assumes its probably best that she should say something. Anything. "I love you too. And I'm sorry that I'm... Not who you thought I was. I hid it from everyone. Not even my parents know. So it's not really... Most people never know when its someone close to them going through this kind of shit. We get blinders when it comes to the people we love. And sometimes we do know notice but we hope that they've got their vices under control, ya know?"

grandbabies? ooh, there’s some butterflies riley thought were gone. buzzing with a warmth that made her want to laugh for no reason. her eyes are only able to open slightly wider when she hears bryan’s question, because she already looked a little starstruck. but she answers quickly, without hesitating. “no, no i can make it happen.” she’s looking at jack with a breathless smile, taking in her hazel eyes. “if that’s okay with you — i think it’d be really nice.” 

there’s a thought, thrumming under the butterflies. that it would be good, for jack to see her family. that they knew her better, and they might be able to help her more than riley could. not because she didn’t want to help. mostly, because in all the time she’d been around to help, she’d missed all the signals. 

she doesn’t let that thought reach her eyes, because truly, she does want to go home with jack, just because. she wants all of it. she wants meeting the parents (again), and teasing over dinner, and playing with her little brother. she wants to be a part of jack’s life. 

riley wants a life with her, more than anything. the realization hits her squarely in the chest, and she takes it in stride. other then, kind of forgetting the phone, when she says. “i love you.”

Part of her is expecting Riley to jump at the notion of coming home with her, while the other half is expecting her to turn it down after what happened just a few days ago. But then Riley tells her that she can make it happen and Jack should feel excited that she can come with her. She should. She does.

It's just... This means that there is going to be a talk with her parents. God, her parents. They don't even know what's been going on with her. Jack keeps them at an arms length, not wanting to disappoint them any further. She supposes that she can't outrun this for much longer. Instead of thinking about this all, Jack chooses to focus on Riley who is sitting there and smiling at her. She smiles back, preferring to not think about how her heart is aching in the worst way at the thought of going home.

there’s a bright flush on riley’s cheeks that definitely matches her hair. jack’s touch was soft, and sweet, and like a soothing wave on her heated skin. 

she realizes, then, they hadn’t really had the chance to tell anyone, together at least. to have it settle in like this. and there was a blimp of longing to freeze frame the moment, even though it was unnerving. 

it feels quiet, for a long time, but their reaction makes it a little easier to breathe. that, and the dull feeling of calm jack’s kiss leaves behind. and there’s a smile curling on the edges of her lips that she can almost see in the blurry preview. “i’ll have to say sir, that i’m most definitely the luckiest woman alive.” and she knew she was. above everything else, all the filing in her mind, there was one thing that now, she didn’t want to box up. that she loved jack. that’s what brought her back to her, every time. that makes her arms come up, winding tightly around jack’s middle, bringing them impossibly closer. then her lips find jack’s cheek.

Hazel eyes rolled at the way Riley called her dad 'sir'. "He's not eighty, you weirdo. Adrian will be just fine. Right dad?" Adrian gave a beaming smile and a quick thumbs up before the phone was once again snatched away. This time her mother appeared on the screen, cheeks rosy. "Does this mean you can finally start giving me grandbabies?" She started to ask when the phone was dropped, Jack and Riley watching on in shock as her family wrestled over the phone.

all those clean, happy feelings? they were getting speared right down the middle with anxiety. she was great with parents. but this wasn’t driving up for a date, with flowers, looking clean and responsible. this was a facetime call, while dating their daughter, whie not having expressed her intentions at all. 

yeah, sure, jack was a grown woman. but these things were done a certain way, at least for riley. a certain way that was definitely messed up by the distance. and the fact that their getting together had been a culmination of four years of tension, not just, a date. her hand, thankfully way out of frame, rests on jack’s other hand, curling up their fingers in a slightly panicked mess. 

“hi, mr. and mrs. novak.” riley deadpans, hoping her expression looked more polite than scared. 

Riley grabs her hand and Jack has to fight the urge to bring it up to her lips to kiss it, a way of keeping her calm. But she knows that Riley’s reaching to touch her in places where the camera don’t show so she’ll respect that. She’s sure that her parents can most definitely tell that they are currently all cuddled up to each other on the damn beach since Jack is quite literally resting her back against Riley’s front. Giving Riley’s hand one last squeeze, hopefully giving her a little bit more courage, Jack grows some balls and responds to her parents. As she does so, the hand that had been holding Riley’s moves away in order to tangle into the hair at the base of Riley’s neck, rubbing softly at the skin there in what she hopes is a soothing manner. 

“Riley and I are together. Surprise?” Jack’s parents look at them both for several seconds, not saying a damned word or blinking and the blonde can just feel the way Riley’s heart is thudding against her back. “Riles...” She whispers, turning her head so she can kiss the underside of Riley’s jaw, causing her parents to break out of their stupor, immediately letting out whoops and hollers. Jack’s head snaps back so she can look at the phone, face immediately flushed. 

the phone call was a reminder of the outside world, but also, of all the rest of jack. of all the things they had in common, all the things that riley did know like the back of her hand. she feels the shift in herself of wanting to move closer, and take away the space she’d put between them. but she buries that lead, at least for right now. these weren’t thoughts for now. there wasn’t any issue. they could try and talk about it later. riley could rationalize that it was new, and she was out of her element, and she was totally dealing with it, and not just pretending too. 

her face brightened up as she moves next to jack, brown eyes happy for a familiar face, for an interaction that is purely positive, and full of enough sunshine to sustain the world for at least a year. “hey buddy!” riley chimes.  “looking sharp.” and her hand only hesitates a moment before pressing against jack’s opposite side, letting her arm drape around the blonde. 

Jack knew that whatever they had just been avoiding talking about was being swept under the rug, noticing how Riley's entire demeanor was shifting into that of something happier. It made her self-hatred bubble up in her chest but she ignored it, choosing to focus on Bryan for now. The thing about Bryan was that he clearly wasn't giving a single hoot about Jack, he was just as happy as a clam to talk to Riley.

The redhead was moving to sit behind her, Jack scooting backwards in between her legs till she was resting her back up against Riley's chest. She doesn't really notice how Riley's touches feel hesitant, actively deciding to ignore it. Instead she watches as Bryan's eyes go wide and his mouth drops open. "Are you guys together?!" 

Jack chuckles and wishes she was there to be able to tell him the news in person. But, she supposes, better now than later. "Yeah, we uh... We're together, Bry." Before she can say anything else, Bryan disappears off the screen with a fluttering of the camera as both of her parents huddled together appear. "Say what, young lady?"

riley’s eyes find the horizon line as jack spoke. there’s an unfortunately familiar feeling pooling in her stomach. the same as when she’d first seen jack at the bar, or how she’d felt when they’d had to take the bottles off the bed, filling up trashbags with secrets. she doesn’t react, doesn’t speak, even after jack’s attempt at changing the subject. only pulls her knees up closer, resting her arms across her them, like a post to lean on.

her eyes stay forward, even as she replies. “you are lucky.”  riley rubs her palms together, watching the grains of sand push off of her skin. she’s nodding, quietly. this was something she didn’t know how to deal with. as similar as they were, this was something different. riley only knew about alcoholism through the worse cases, through training, and field experience. her peers didn’t talk about it like it was a disease. no, these people were deadbeats. the people who obviously had nothing. that’s what made sense, right? that someone doing this to themselves had nothing else. the old man at the bar, the lost teenager, the addict. so what did that mean for jack?

it wasn’t a subject she could handle carefully. the part of this that was about jack? about who she was, about what she meant to the world. riley could handle that. she could handle the broken pieces, and the tears, and if she steeled herself, maybe she could grow to handle the anger. but the rest? the alcohol that wasn’t just a factor, but a cause? the impulse to hide and lie? she didn’t know where she fit into the equation. and as easy as it was to forgot, late at night, with emotions and adrenaline high.. here? in the peaceful breeze, and a wide open space empty except for them and their conversation; it was much harder to shove under sweet words. 

it feels heavy on her thoughts. 

her hand reaches out, wordlessly, a pursed, restrained smile on her lips as she squeezes jack’s wrist. “you just have to take it day by day.” her eyes are flickering over the blonde’s expression, searching almost. there’s a small shrug, that feels increasingly small against the sounds of the waves crashing in front of them. “that’s all you can do.” her hand comes back to herself, coming to pull at all the little flecks of sand in her hair.

Riley barely spoke to her and that made Jack feel a little bit too numb. The hand on her wrist felt cold when it should have ignited warmth in her veins. Continuing to bite her lip, Jack just chose to stare out at the shoreline. Her blonde hair blew softly in the wind, inhaling the smell of the sea as deeply as she could. Her eyes closed for a moment, trying to not say anything that could cause an argument. She didn't really have the energy to fight Riley. But Riley seemed to shut down the second she realized Jack had a problem and that kind of... Didn't sit right with Jack. If she could be there for the easy stuff, then why couldn't she be there for the hard stuff too?

riley took up the space beside her, not really thinking about her clothes as she laid back, enjoying the cool sand under her skin. “but you look so nice doing it,” she mumbles as she stretches her arms underneath her head. why didn’t she do this more often? 

her head lolled over to look at jack, and there’s a reminder that most of her mornings had been taken up with something. whether it was the 3 hour alarms, or doctors appointments, or just plain work. a lot had happened, in a very short time, and she was realizing that in her moment of peace. this morning had been remarkably different. maybe, because they’d gotten very little sleep, and jack was malleable enough for riley to get her to agree to go to the beach with her. 

her muscles felt better with the short burst, and being able to stretch out in the sand. she was definitely sore, but it reminded her of all the things she’d done to make her sore. tensing, and shaking and — her eyes moved back to forward, blinking as she pushed herself up to sit. nope. her mind was not going to go down that path, again. at least, not until tonight, after work. 

"So..." She started, fingers digging into the sand to draw random patterns. "Uh, I suppose I should tell you sooner than later. I uh... I got suspended. From work. Paid leave for a month but uh... Someone told my Chief about what happened at Retro. At the end of the month I need to be cleared by a therapist and I'll need to have proof of my sobriety."

The blonde looked out at the ocean, focusing on the waves rather than her girlfriend. She didn't want to look at her and see the disappointment on her face. She couldn't handle it. "I have to report to an AA meeting this Monday. And for the next year I will be checked for alcohol. My locker... My ambo... Me. I guess I can be considered lucky. He could have fired me."