You'll never beat those teenage kicks.

It’s one of my theories that when people give you advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past.

What ifall women were bigger and stronger than youand thought they were smarterWhat ifwomen were the ones who started warsWhat iftoo many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildosand no K-Y JellyWhat ifthe state trooperwho pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpikewas a womanand carried a gunWhat ifthe ability to menstruatewas the prerequisite for most high-paying jobsWhat ifyour attractiveness to women dependedon the size of your penisWhat ifevery time women saw youthey’d hoot and make jerking motions with their handsWhat ifwomen were always making jokesabout how ugly penises areand how bad sperm tastesWhat ifyou had to explain what’s wrong with your carto big sweaty women with greasy handswho stared at your crotchin a garage where you are surroundedby posters of naked men with hard-onsWhat ifmen’s magazines featured cover photosof 14-year-old boyswith sockstucked into the front of their jeansand articles like:“How to tell if your wife is unfaithful”or“What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”or“The truth about impotence”What ifthe doctor who examined your prostatewas a womanand called you “Honey”What ifyou had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breathas she insisted that sleeping with herwas part of the jobWhat ifyou couldn’t get away becausethe company dress code requiredyou wear shoesdesigned to keep you from runningAnd what ifafter all thatwomen still wanted youto love them.

Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because the regret is stronger than gratitude.

You chug a fifth of alcohol by yourself and everyone around you is too busy cheering to wonder how empty you had to be in order to do it.