white and black

Shaking his head, Mikey kissed the crown of her head. “I’m not storming off,” he promised. “I’m not going anywhere,” Mikey assured her. “I’m staying right here,” he said softly. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her closer. “I think you're the only person who gets me. When I'm with you, the world doesn't feel like a problem I can't figure out.” He whispered. Mikey’s hand ran over her back slowly, breathing out slowly. This probably wasn’t the best time to do this; she was drunk and he was in the middle of wedding preparations, but he just couldn’t leave her. 

Her skin smelled of evergreen and spearmint, this close. Mikey could feel his heart pounding through the tips of his fingers. He imagined she could feel it, too. He didn’t know what was going to happen next - what was supposed to happen next - but it would be random, unpredictable, uncomfortable. He was getting ready to push away from her but Amanda’s lips anchored him in place. When feeling came back, in a storm of colour and force and sensation, the most he could do was hold on to Amanda before him and hope he could weather it. Mikey closed his eyes and expected the worst - but it wasn’t a bad thing; it was just a different thing. A messier one, a more complicated one. He hesitated, and then he kissed Amanda a little harder, willing to concede that he might have to lose control before he could find out what he’d been missing. 

“At this point, I think the least you could do is just be honest with me,” Amanda blurted. “And I’m drunk anyway, what the fuck do you care?” She questioned. “Is it better?” Amanda asked. “I don’t know. But all I know is that right now it feels like Hell,” She shrugged. “And I figured that I’d rather you look at me right now and tell me that you don’t love me at all than to keep up this–whatever it is anymore,” She blurted out, referring to the last time she saw him. When the feeling of his lips on hers became permanently pressed into them. “If I thought I’d had a snowball’s chance in Hell, I would have,” Amanda said, feeling like she might be sick, and not from the alcohol. “But you never came for me, either, don’t forget,” She brought up. “And don’t pull the whole you-didn’t-think-I-wanted-that crap because I know you better,” She sighed. “I didn’t say that it was good or smart to be in love with you but I know you know me well enough to know that I’m not good or smart,” Amanda licked her lips. “God–Mikey, you can’t keep acting like I’m still sixteen years old anymore!” She snapped. “I fucked up then. I realize that. But you can’t keep blaming be for that anymore. That’s not fair and you know it,” She argued. “You’re out of your fucking mind if you think that’s the life that she wants, either,” She deadpanned. “Hell, I don’t even think you want that life. But when you love someone, you make sacrifices,” Lately, Amanda was starting to think that there wasn’t anything that would be too terrible to life with if it meant she could feel like she belong somewhere. To feel wanted for more than a monetary value.

“I am being honestly with you,” he insisted. “More honest than I have been with anyone before,” Mikey pushed his words through gritted teeth. He paused at her question and swallowed. “It’s different,” he admitted. “She’s...she’s stable now. That’s what I need to be around,” he said softly to the girl who was quite obviously not stable. “Amanda,” he sighed, looking away from her. Was he able to tell her that he didn’t love her? “Of course I love you,” he mumbled quietly. “I just don’t know if I’m... in love with you.” He shrugged softly. She mentioned him not coming to find her and he immediately turned defensive. “Didn’t come for you?” He asked, feeling his jaw clench. “Of course I fucking came for you!” He exploded. “I sent out plenty of people to look for you, I sent goddamn foot soldiers out to find you. I went out myself. I had no fucking clue where you were! I went all the way to fucking India and couldn’t fucking find a thing. You fucking vanished, so don’t you dare tell me that I didn’t come for you,” he pointed a finger in her face. “I did nothing but look for you.” He growled. Mikey froze when she said that Abby didn’t want the life of a royal either. She was right, of course. “She would be better for the job then you could ever be,” he said honestly, his words almost silent in the hopes that she wouldn’t hear him. Amanda spoke of sacrifices and Mikey shook his head slowly. “You could never make a sacrifice that large, Amanda,” he rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I wish...I wish things were different.”

She’s one of those who when you’re talking, you’ll see She’s really listening to someone like me Why was she listening to someone like me? Cause I’m a tough shit friend And I’ll reckon she’ll stay with me til the end And it means more than I pretend

“I’m not—I’m not asking you to drop everything and like—run off into the sunset singing love songs,” Amanda started. “You don’t want to give up a sure thing,” She accused gently. She didn’t want him to be angry at her, surely then the pathetically drunk crying girl would come out and God, Amanda would rather be dead than be that vulnerable. “Because I’m flighty. I get it. But—” She stopped, starting to pick at her nails. “I just can’t let you go, Michael,” Amanda licked her lips and locked eyes with him. “And I want to, God,” She exhaled heavily and crossed her arms in front of her, trying to fold herself into herself as much as she could. “I want to so fucking bad but I just—” She looked at the ground. “I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about what would’ve happened, y’know? And I know—I know it’s stupid. But I can’t help but think that maybe—like, maybe you’ve thought about it, too.”

He gave a soft sigh when she admitted to wondering what would have happened had she not left. “Of course I think about it -- thought about it,” he corrected himself. Mikey swallowed thickly, fearing emotion would cloud his voice. “For about a year after you left,” he nodded, “I honestly expected you to come back to me.” Mikey sighed, stuffing his hands in his pocket and leaning against the kitchen counter. “And then I saw you at school and,” he shook his head. “I knew things had changed.” Mikey paused for a moment, observing the drunken girl before him. “I still think about it sometimes,” he admitted. “And I probably always will, just like I will always have feelings for you, but isn’t it better to move on? We aren’t good for each other. After you left I screwed myself up-- like really badly, and I’ve only just fixed that.” He paused before admitting the harsh truth. “You’re no good for me. And the lifestyle that you would be forced into if we tried us,” he gestured between the two of them, “again? You would hate yourself. You would have to sit next to me and go to regal dinners and hang off my arm like an ornament when I know that’s not what you are about. It would eat you alive. I know that you’re not the type of girl who wants that lifestyle, and I really do respect that. It would be unfair for both of us if I made you sit beside me on a throne.” He said, his tone lowering. 

“Are you ready?” Amanda asked, swinging her arms gently. “Are you really ready?” Perhaps that proper question was to ask if she was really ready. Sober her—no. Drunk her—very much so. “I’m still—I’m still in love with you,” She said, clear as day. Even just hearing the words leave her mouth felt sobering. “And I just, I just keep thinking that like—that if I never left—maybe,” She waved a lazy hand between them. “Maybe I wouldn’t have to be here y’know. Like this. I’ve just been thinking that because maybe when you kissed me that maybe you weren’t through with this either,” She said, her hazy, drunken eyes looking helplessly at him. Amanda quickly changed her demeanor and began grinning wide as she stood unevenly in front of Mikey. “And now,” She chuckled. “Since I’m just past honest drunk—you can say whatever you want to say about it. Go for it,” She bent forward a little and put her hands on her hips. “I can take it.”

“I am ready,” Mikey confirmed with a nod. “Yep, I’m really ready,” he worked hard to conceal his entertained smile. The words that he had been expecting, but not necessarily wanting, soon fell from her lips. He nodded slowly, allowing her drunked words to fill the void that had suddenly appeared in his mind. She eventually told him to say whatever he wanted and the first thing that came to mind was you’re four years too late, but he held his tongue. “Amanda,” he sighed, resting his hands on his knees and looking around his apartment - his and Abby’s apartment. “I won’t deny that I feel something for you,” he paused, sucking on his teeth for a moment. “But I think I’m always going to feel something for you and that doesn’t necessarily mean that we should revisit...us.” He ran a hand through his cropped hair. “Plus I’m getting married soon, Amanda. Like really soon.” He shook his head. Mikey hated to use Abby as an excuse to get out of this situation but he didn’t know what else to say. He looked at her for a moment, biting his bottom lip. “Are you going to remember this in the morning?” He asked, slightly hopeful that she would forget everything. He still found it ironic that she was the one who had hurt him more than anyone else in the world and yet all he wanted for her was happiness. 

Amanda took a small step in, looking at Mikey with a playful pout. “I’m not—too drunk. I’m never too drunk,” Of course now she was quite drunk, but not as awfully messed up as she’s been in the past. Surely Mikey knew that. She could still make words that were coherent enough to be understood. “I just,” Amanda began as she put her hand on Mikey’s shoulder. “I wanted to go home. But the taxi driver took me here,” Amanda said, not realizing that this was exactly where she asked the cabbie to take her. “So I thought, hey,” She chuckled. “I should go see Mikey because I feel like I should. I’ve got some things,” She said, taking his hand and bringing it over her head. She spun herself underneath it, giggling like a fiend. “I’ve got a lot of things. I think that’s why I’m here,” She said, nodding her head. “Lilaaac wiiiine,” Amanda slurred. “Is sweet and head-y. Liiiiiike my looooove,” She continued, swinging the hand she refused to let go of.

He nodded at her words. Mikey knew she wasn’t too drunk - he’d seen her in that state all too many times before - and so he would give her credit for that. “You asked the taxi driver to take you home?” Mikey asked, his brow furrowing. “Didn’t you realise this isn’t where you live?” He chuckled, closing the door behind her and following her down the short hallway into the kitchen. “You’ve got some things?” He asked with a chuckle. “Are they good things?” Mikey asked, attempting to humour her whilst working out what things she could be talking about. Amanda took his hand, moving it above her head and spinning beneath it. Mikey took her hand whilst she spun, hoping to give her more stability, and stepped a little closer to her wary of how intoxicated she was and the fact that dancing in her state probably wasn’t the best, or safest, idea. “The things are why you’re here?” He asked and nodded firmly. “Right,” he said, acting as though she was making perfect sense. Amanda began to sing and, instead of rolling his eyes, he really listened. It had been years since he’d heard her sing and, for a moment, he simply let himself revel in the sound of her voice. 

Amanda knocked thrice, the final one sending her back a step. She laughed a little and leaned a hand on the doorframe to keep her balance. “You—” She began, her hazy eyes taking a moment to realize that she was not, in fact, knocking on Mikey’s door. “Oh shit, not you,” She slurred, waving her hand and stumbling away. “Oohh mmmyy goooodddd,” She dragged the words out as she went to the next door (which was the proper one), and again knocked thrice. If she’d been perhaps just a twinge more sober, she’d see that this was an awful idea because if she had answered the door, Amanda would be left to retreat with her tail between her legs. But now, Amanda was confidently, romantically, gloriously drunk and hell if she cared if she was about to set her last shred of dignity aflame. “Mikey. Hey. Mike-y,” She said, leaning into the door frame. “Hi.”

At the sound of a knock on the apartment door Mikey simply assumed that Abby would answer it. It was only after a couple of moments that he remembered that Abby wasn’t there - out at training or a run or the gym or something - and so he sighed wistfully. Mikey pushed himself out of his desk chair, setting down the official papers, of which he had read the first line 31 times over but had ventured no further, and headed towards the door. He opened it, not really sure who to expect, but at the sight of a clearly drunk Amanda he felt the corners of his mouth turn upwards. “Hey,” he said, feeling like a small piece of light was returning to his life. “Amand-a.” Mikey teased before standing back. “Are you coming in or are you too drunk?” He smirked. 

My name in like...a heart. Or maybe just me and my cute little baby face.