Hi Mr ENTJ, How do you deal with doubt? That gripping feeling that you're just not enough and you should be better? How do you look for answers from the inside rather than just patch in on from the outside? Thanks.
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What do you think is required from a person to succeed ?
Dealing with failure and overcoming adversity
Youâre referring specifically to self-doubt. This is a great question that took me a long time to properly articulate a response because I didnât want to dismiss it with a stereotypical: âI donât feel self-doubt. I just fix the problem, power through it, and move on!â like every other ExTJ out there. I want to properly explain why this is the case so let me try:
I donât often experience self-doubt or the gripping feeling that Iâm not good enough, not because Iâm a perfect human being (far from it-- hereâs a greatest hits collection of some of my biggest failures), but because of my general approach to life thatâs shaped by a few key beliefs.
1. I know where the world ends and where I begin
This means that I know where the line exists between what I want and what the world wants, between who I am and who other people want me to be, and between my expectations for my life and other peopleâs expectations of me. I see this boundary crystal clear and I enforce it. I set my own goals and I hold myself accountable to them.
This helps fight self-doubt because I donât attach my self-esteem and self-worth to externally defined goals or assessments, I donât accept unwanted input into my personal life from people who donât matter, and I donât compare myself to other people in destructive ways. If I compare myself to other people, itâs for the purposes of data gathering and not validation.
For example, the knowledge that most students graduate college in 4 years tells me that 4 years is the average amount of time. My key takeaway is that 3 years is above average speed and 4+ years is below average speed so I should aim to get my degree in approximately 4 years. My key takeaway is not that Iâm a disastrous failure if I donât graduate college in 4 years. And FYI, I ended up graduating in 6 years because I dropped out for 2 years and I still turned out fine.
Self-defined and self-enforced goals are critical to combating self-doubt because they mute all the outside noise; pushy parents, nosy friends, aggressive colleagues, and fickle societal standards. Life is very difficult by itself without the added complexity of multiple people pulling you in different directions that you donât even want to go. Set clear boundaries and take the time to self-reflect whatâs important to you so that you can be happy with the results of your efforts even if they donât yield acknowledgement from anyone else.
tl;dr:
Find peace with the life you create for yourself because itâs you that has to live it.
2. I keep the big picture in mind, always
This means perspective. In the grand scheme of things, small losses here and there donât amount to much because life is a marathon and not a sprint. This means that if you screw up today, thereâs a high chance you can fix it tomorrow. If not, then know the world isnât going to end because of it. The sun will still rise, babies will still be born, puppies will still be cute, your family will still love you, Tumblr will still be toxic, and the earth will still spin on its axis. I have failed classes, almost got held back in school, screwed up at work, infuriated important people, been rejected from 100+ jobs, lost important scholarships, and things still worked out because those failures didnât matter in the long run even if they felt enormous at the time I was experiencing them. I know mistakes can be fixed, theyâre not permanent, and they donât sabotage the grand vision I have for my life. It makes the times I fall on my ass less painful which consequently makes me less fearful of trying to fly over and over again until I get it right.
This helps fight self-doubt because I attach failure to individual outcomes (actions) but I do not attach failure to me personally (identity).
For example, if I applied to Harvard University but got rejected, my interpretation of that outcome is this: âI failed to get into Harvard.â Yes, I failed to get into Harvard (action) but no, I am not a failure (identity).
The failure starts and stops at the end of an outcome, I donât let it escape its container and infect other parts of my life by internalizing this kind of garbage: âI failed to get into Harvard so Iâm dumb, Iâm unworthy, and I suck.â This prevents self-doubt because I know failure is an isolated incident and I donât take it personally. I donât absorb failure as a personal identity-- I attach it to the specific event, action, or outcome and then store it in my vast library of knowledge as a lesson learned.
tl;dr:
Life is long and screwing up is part of the journey. Remember that you can fail at things (action) without being a failure (identity).
3. I accept that life is a game of probability
This means that I view life as a statistics game with events on a sliding scale between low probability of success and high probability of success. Probability of success is influenced by many variables such as my preparation, my natural abilities, the economy, my competition, timing, etc. I adjust the probability of success based on those variables to make better predictions:
I know that if my goal is to join the National Basketball Association (NBA), my probability of success is lower because my basketball skills and physical traits are below the average of a typical professional basketball player.
I know that if my goal is to get accepted to one of the best universities in the world, my probability of success is higher because my grades, test scores, and academic profile are above the average of a typical applicant.
Low probability of success doesnât mean low effort. I donât half-ass things that are unlikely to happen, I put high effort in all my endeavors if I really care about them and an obvious example of that is my life. Everything Iâve achieved in my life has been statistically improbable because I come from an underprivileged background where it was highly unlikely for me to have the life I have now. I beat the odds and achieved my goals anyway because I maximized my chances of success.
This perspective influences how I interpret success and failure:
Low probability of success that results in failure: âThis outcome is what I expected so Iâm not surprised, but at least I tried, gave it my best shot, and I know the answer. Iâll learn where I can improve and take that knowledge forward into the future.â
Low probability of success that results in success: âThis outcome is not what I expected but Iâm pleased it went my way. I understand this was an exception to the norm and Iâm grateful it leaned in my favor.â
High probability of success that results in success: âThis outcome is what I expected and Iâm pleased it went my way. I need to continue doing the things that worked well and keep that knowledge for future reference.â
High probability of success that results in failure: âThis outcome is not what I expected so Iâm disappointed. I need to evaluate why I failed, understand how I can improve, and try again until I get it right.â
This helps fight self-doubt because it does one very crucial thing for me: it makes it impossible for me to lose.
I tell people all the time: âIâm undefeated because Iâm still standing and Iâm still going.â I canât lose, I can only learn. It enables me to set realistic goals, have realistic expectations about my chances to achieve them, understand why I failed, and feel grateful when I succeed. Success is never guaranteed and failure is always accounted for in my calculations so Iâm never blindsided. I know that I can be âperfectâ and still fail, but I also know that I can be âimperfectâ and still succeed. If Iâve done everything within my power and itâs still not going my way, then Iâm not plagued with self-doubt because I can accept it was beyond my control and that itâs time to try something else.
tl;dr:
Many things in life are out of your control but try your best so you have peace of mind that youâre not quitting-- youâre moving on.
Iâm not invincible, but for these reasons, itâs rare for me to feel self-doubt because I donât view life as a game of âam I good enough or not?â I view life as a game of âwhatâs the best way to get what I want and did it work?â My two options are then: 1) Succeed, learn, and move on or 2) Fail, learn, and move on. Thereâs no third option to spiral into uncertainty and crippling self-doubt. I focus my energy on identifying the problem, the variables I can control, and the learnings from my outcomes.
In the rare times I do feel self-doubt, I go through a rigorous self-reflection exercise to identify the cause whether thatâs concerns about personal decisions Iâve made, thoughts on my professional trajectory, or the state of my relationships. I identify the outcome that I want, gather information on how to secure that outcome, and give it my best shot. The result of that effort provides knowledge, wisdom, and opportunities to either 1) continue on the same path or 2) stop and try something else.
Ultimately, I always feel like thereâs something wonderful in life waiting for me just around the corner and agonizing over past failures or self-doubt-- instead of getting up and trying again-- only delays me getting it.
