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โ โฐย :: ย โ would you fall in love with me again โ
includesย ::ย [ 12.7k ] best friend!jaemin x reader ( typically gender neutral but there might be s/her pronouns once or twice? ). angst, heavy angst the heaviest angst. fluff ( a touch ). slice of life. y/n used a few times, i try to limit it. nickname loaded: petal ( this is such a cute nickname im crying ). petal is so very dramatic but u gotta understand this from their pov u know. i love the phrase: โthat stupid grinโ btw haha. i only realized halfway through the story that y/n has no girlfriends . sorry abt that one sdfh. that type of bffs to lovers where they know but donโt want to address it like it happens but then they donโt talk abt it so nothing ever really happens you know. my poor petal baby u deserve so much better. parents are NOT mentioned lmfao. a lot of recurring things so pay attention ! tw american schooling system only bc i noticed i had done that when i was done with writing it and i didnโt feel like changing it oops. mentions of cigarettes and alcohol. underage drinking ( donโt do this ). a drunk manโs words are a sober manโs thoughts !!!! mutual pinning. tries and tries again. older people's influence can be bad. brief, vauge, and implied descriptions of a car crash ( no bc this is a trigger for me why am i writing about this ). major character death. happy endings donโt exist in this world yippee ! all mistakes are unintentional as always, i was too lazy to do anything more than skim through it maybe iโll come back and fix stuff. my writing gets a little bit better as the story goes on so stick with me. this is a work of fiction !! this is not a telling of who the nct members are in real life !!!!
authors note, inspired by @withlovemark because writing some jaem angst sounded fun ( go read ruin the friendship because you deserve to suffer like i did ). please enjoy and please let me know your thoughts ? itโs my first time in a while writing a longer oneshot, nd my first long oneshot with nct so ! i started writing this back in november 2025 so what does that say about me. anyway happy reading lovelies, i hope you love nana and petal as much as i do ๐ i also have so so so many bonus things to put out so if you enjoy this look out for those ! also sorry for the YAP of warnings ???? idk why. that happened .
a million thoughts in your head, and always, the most prominent one was jaemin.
he was stuck there. as if someone had tapped a nail thousands of times to engrave him into your mind; spent the time to make sure he never left.
his smile burned into your eyelids, seeing him whenever you blinked, whenever you closed your eyes to take a deep breath. seeing him around the corner, chasing after him like youโd be able to catch up.
memories flashing, fading into view, as if you were still walking side by side. your heart yearning and begging to reach out to him.ย
but in those memories, you never did.
people would describe him as sunlight. warm. shining through your curtains in the morning โ a welcome pleasure to be woken up by. you get too close and he burns.
but he was always like moonlight. hidden behind the sun, only to come out at just the right moments. showing you a way through the dark, silver wisps guiding you to the right place and time.ย
the sun hurt. hurt to look at, hurt to be under for too long.ย
the moon was cold. chill.ย
but itโs illuminated by the sunโs light. thereโs a chance it could hurt you too.
year one.
elementary school is where all the social groups are formed. the popular kids, the weirdos, the losers no one likes. where you start forming your special cliques and learning whatโs okay to say and not okay to say out loud ( you learn that part the hard way ). you start implementing social norms, and wondering why the boys in your class are so gross.
you learn what crushes are, no matter how silly they were. there were only a select few that felt appropriate to crush onโand the most popular of the few in your class was jaemin. he was neat(er); organized. he didnโt spend his time scribbling his papers with gross drawings, and that, for the girls, was enough to fall in love.
everyone stuck to their own small groups, whispered nothings and giggles coming from one side as the other didnโt even bother to hush down.
boys will be boys is often a phrase you found stupid, because why is that an excuse for letting them โteaseโ on how ugly you are? the kind of ugly that had them groaning drawn out โewโs, every laugh in your ear and finger pointed in your face. where it felt like everyone was looking at you, noticing and scrutinizing for your deepest insecurities.
jaemin hadnโt stood up to them necessarily, but the power of words had always been bullets to the head. โtheyโre not ugly.โ three simple words, spoken without a glance up, but it got the boys to hesitate.
those words repeated got them to back off, and a small glare had them giving up, heading off to the other side of the classroom. you looked up to meet his eyes. brown, hardened by the act of threat, before softening when reaching yours. inviting, friendly. the picture of kindness.
โhi.โย
a bright smile that reached his eyes. dark brown hair that barely covered the top of his eyes.
and for the rest of elementary, you were met with sharp glares, words muttered under breaths, because of the person standing next to you. na jaemin, always at your side. he never left after that. promised he never would. with that stupid grin that made you believe anything he said, that distracted you from reality.ย
na jaemin. hiding behind that smile.
year two.
the entire concept of putting tweens and teenagers all in the same building is beyond you. while elementary school was playing around with friends you just made, middle school jumped up another level.ย
different classes, puberty, growing up in the midst of getting good grades and keeping up your social status because at this point youโre insecure and affected by what people think of you.
jaemin was still as popular as ever, having collected a few more people to join you two in your shenanigans. you still got a few dirty looks here and there, and you shrunk in on yourself whenever you noticed them; only for a comforting hand to find yours. he had the same smile.
the few individuals jaemin had collected included people called: jeno, mark, haechan, and an upperclassman by the name of yuta that he had mentioned to you once. you didnโt meet yuta until a few years later.
jeno was quiet. regarded as cold and distant, but when you learned to read him, he just wasnโt one to talk often. concentrated. face stuck in a neutral expression until it broke when he smiled. youโre not quite sure how jaemin managed to snatch him.
mark and haechan came in a package deal ( more like that haechan clung onto mark ). you just knew them from the bickering, markโs loud laugh, and haechanโs tendency to have chaos follow him.
all of them were pretty faces. popular โ now that popular was an important word โ desired. girls tripping over themselves and even guys trying their move. they mostly got ignored. not necessarily in a rude way, but in the awkward wish as to not be speaking another refusal. when asked, they all fumbled with a quick excuse.
and for some reason, no one pushed. consumed by the feeling of disappointment to be bothered.
haechan had been complaining about the fifth girl that came up to him in math, talking about how everyone gave the same spiel; consisting of how long theyโd liked him, how pretty they think he is ( which did nothing to help his evergrowing ego ), and then the age old question: would you go out with me?
this was a typical conversation between the boys, comparing different ways theyโve been asked out. from stupid to thoughtful to unexpected. but it all ended the same. rejection. spurning.ย
when in doubt, avoidance is the way to go.
mark was teasing him about it, jeno was barely paying attention after making a small comment that got spoken over. you and jaemin were studying together under the shade of a tree, leaves rustling over a small zephyr, small flowers scattered and blooming with the grace of spring.
he was listing questions, having you answer them.
it was almost a perfect day out. the grass was the green shown in movies, the sky blue. white, fluffy clouds floating along, the sun out but not sweltering. that perfect four pm air.
a stronger breeze circled through, ruffling leaves and flowers. you tugged your coat tighter around your shoulders, continuing the small back and forth with jaemin, until he looked up, noticed something, and a small laugh fell from his lips.
he made eye contact with you, reaching up and plucking a small petal from your hair before making you lean forward so he could brush out the rest of the ones that had fallen from the tree. โreminds me of your eyes,โ jaemin hummed, holding up the white petal, earning a small tilt of the head from you. โpure; pretty.โย
your cheeks tinted red. and he flicked the petal back into your hair. that stupid grin.
year three.
bright lights and the squeaking of sneakers against gym floors were all youโve ever wanted to hear. to say you werenโt a sports person wasnโt particularly right. you enjoyed sports. just at times, especially when the team is currently losing and they arenโt going to win, it wasnโt your favorite thing.
you were sat halfway up the bleachers, watching haechan freak out on the bench whenever the ref made a bad call โ or any call actually ( youโre mostly sure he just played because mark dragged him to ).
jaemin was at your side, mumbling under his breath about stupid plays, which always amused you, how invested heโd get sometimes. granted, it wasnโt often.ย
you were here for jeno, mark, and haechan. all who werenโt currently playing right now, which confused you, because previous games had shown you that they were the only ones on the team who knew how to play โ except one of the lower classmen: chenle. who was the self proclaimed mvp of every game.
he played in every quarter, and mark had mentioned it before, chenle was going to take over as captain once mark left. and watching chenle, he deserved it. he was good.
a loud whistle pierced your thoughts, and you raised your head up slightly to look at what happened. people in the bleachers were yelling and booing at the referee, and jaemin was muttering under his breath as well, glaring.ย
and when the referees made the call to give two free throws, a loud outburst was called from the students. you can say for sure you had no idea what was going on.
jaemin stood up abruptly, reached down to grab your forearm, before pulling you up as well with him. โletโs go,โ he spoke, his voice a small grumble.
โgo where?โ you stumbled after jaemin, and catching up with his steps got him to release your arm.
โweโre losing anyway, no reason to hang out.โ he shoved his hands into his pockets, earning a small giggle from you when you noted how invested he was. you poked his bicep, and his shoulders relaxed slightly.
climbing down from the bleachers, you offered a wave to a confused mark who had noticed the two of you, before following jaemin out of the exit of the gym.
โyou know weโre not allowed to roam the school,โ you spoke up when jaemin started heading down the hallway ( not that you were going to argue any further ).
โtechnically.โ he shot you a smile, knowing youโd follow anyway.
the school was quiet. it was odd to hear, after knowing it full of loud and annoying students. it was almost peaceful โ a place youโd enjoy being if it was like this every time.
you trailed after jaemin, watching the halls like you hadnโt memorized them years before. you couldnโt believe you were leaving next year. everyone told you that it went too fast โ that as soon as youโre in high school, those four years would pass in a blink of an eye.
it made your skin itch. you werenโt ready for it to go. to leave.
โhey, where are you?โ jaeminโs words cut through your thoughts. โlooks like youโre off on an adventure,โ he grinned, reaching out to poke your forehead. and you swatted his hand away.
โjust thinking.โ
โabout?โ he prompted.
you paused in your step, fingers fidgeting with each other. jaemin paused with you, and you took in the sight of him. one hand resting lazily in his pocket, the other at his side. turned slightly to face you, curiosity creasing his brow slightly. jaemin was so pretty.
โwhat weโre going to do. in the future,โ you finally answered, earning a face from jaemin.
โwe have years to figure that out, no point in worrying about it now,โ he spoke immediately, voice underlined with soft laughter, stepping over to you. โyears,โ he reiterated, โweโre gonna be fine.โ
your shoulders lifted in a shrug. and jaeminโs hands raised to hold your face. โyou overthink too much, petal,โ he hummed, and the way you had to tilt your head up slightly had him fighting back a small smile.
there was a time when you were taller than him.
โrelax,โ jaemin said, leaning forward and pressing a short kiss to your forehead. you relished in the feeling, the comfort. โwe have time,โ he promised again, thumb brushing under your eye.ย
everything jaemin said, you couldnโt help but believe him. he said it with such conviction. the kind of tone that comes from the steady beating of a heart. confident, because you believe it wonโt stop. reliance, because it shouldnโt stop.
โi know.โ your agreement was like letting out a breath youโd been holding for years. he was right, anyway. you had time. you had so much time.
year four.
high school, freshman year is when you met yuta. by this point, youโd heard his name scattered around. whispered in every rumor โ he was in that group of boys. the poisoned youth, the kids your parents warned you about when you were younger. the type youโd get caught dead hanging around.
they were known for dyeing their hair every month, coming to school whenever they wanted. walking into class twenty minutes late just because they felt like it. sauntering around as if they owned the place โ and with the way they acted with the staff, you might just think they do.
you saw jaemin chatting with them once. twice when waiting for him after class. and when he noticed you, heโd bid them goodbye as if nothing happened. but it bothered you. itched at the back of your neck when you saw it, wondering what they could be talking about.
โitโs nothing, petal,โ jaemin answered smoothly when you asked. and you had no reason to doubt him.
โyouโre just talking?โ you responded, biting the inside of your cheek. โtheyโre not good people, jaem.โ
his gaze flicked up to meet yours. brown. that glint in his eyes, fire, warmth, softened at the sight of you. โwe were just talking,โ he repeated, voice small in confirmation. and the silence stretched as you both looked at each other. he pressed his lips into a thin line.
but it was jaemin. he had no reason to lie. โokay.โ and that was it. eyes bright, as if he didnโt have a care in the world. and you blinked, snapping yourself out of it. this was jaemin.
you hated that you had to remind yourself.
โjenoโs tagging along for lunch โโ jaemin started, changing the conversation after a moment, only for the voice of haechan to rip through his words.
โtake me with youuuu!โ echoed as the older rushed over, mark trailing calmly after him. โi want food,โ haechan groaned, mumbling something about how he hadn't eaten all day as he clung to jaeminโs arm, earning a laugh from the group as mark shook his head.
โyou ate half my lunch,โ mark gave him a small look, and haechan sent the look right back.ย
โyou offered.โ
โnot half of it.โ
jaemin and you looked at each other, rolling your eyes at your friends.ย
but the feeling lingered. and yuta nakamoto was a person you started looking out for.ย
it wasnโt long until he noticed โ oddly perceiving for what he seemed to be. you figured you werenโt hiding it well, however. lasting gazes, sharp eyes, and half glares werenโt that difficult to miss. and he started watching you back.ย
you learned new names. lee taeyong. johnny suh. huang renjun. all giving you the same eerie feeling, especially when their gaze met yours, as if theyโd already been watching. as if they were observing you. studying you. you felt like a bug in a jar. parts of you regretted showing your animosity towards them.
especially when you bumped into the infamous yuta after school one day. his hair dyed with patterns of brown and blond. hazardous grin decorating his features, a glint in his eye. as soon as you met his gaze, you knew he knew. knew that you were apprehensive about him. knew that you noticed him talking to jaemin.
โsorry,โ he smoothly started off the conversation. โam i in your way?โ yuta hummed, unbothered and obviously had no intentions to move. you nodded despite. he decided to just get to the point. โiโm not doing anything with jaemin.โ
โthen why talk to him?โ you immediately shot back, somehow finding it in you to speak up.ย
yuta almost seemed stunned at your words โ or the fact that you talked back โ staring at you for a moment. โam i not allowed to interact?โ
โyou wouldnโt without a motive,โ you said, resisting the urge to bite your tongue in sudden frustration.
โyou donโt know me.โ
โi donโt,โ you admitted shortly, devoid of any hesitance. still edgy, still nervous, but always wanting to protect jaemin, โbut i know enough.โ
yuta raised his eyebrows slightly, before exhaling out a laugh. not quite mocking, not quite teasing. a mix of surprise and judgement. โyou canโt believe everything you hear,โ he hummed smoothly, a smirk tainting his features.
he wouldโve been attractive if it werenโt for the cigarettes often hanging from his mouth, the group of people he surrounded himself with. the dangerous sparkle in his gaze. and your eyes narrowed. โleave jaemin alone,โ words firm, stance grounded.
โi will,โ he agreed too easily to make you feel any better. โi canโt help it if he comes to me, however,โ the older evoked, looking you up and down once before heading off.
a chill ran down your spine, and you shifted uncomfortably. yuta gave you every unsettling feeling you could ever name. his last words seemed almost like a threat.
now that youโve pissed him off, youโre worried what heโll send.
but yuta didnโt send anything, not for a while. he barely looked at you anymore ( neither did the rest of his posse ), and he kept his promise of not talking to jaemin anymore.
relief was your first instinct, but confusion was your second. it felt off โ yuta keeping his word. you kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. anxious tapping on your thigh when that group passed you in the hall, cursory glances around corners as if heโd jump out from somewhere. yuta was dangerous โ at least thatโs what people told you, but it wasnโt hard to swallow.
of course jaemin noticed your antsiness. he always paid too much attention.
his hand brushed the small of your back when you tensed up slightly at the sight of yuta. โsomething wrong?โ he questioned, worry creasing his features.
you shook your head too fast. he didnโt say anything about it. โno โ iโm fine,โ you mumbled, gaze flicking from where you last saw yuta, before forcing yourself to focus on jaemin as he paused in the hall. โjust . . . nervous. test.โ you added merely so he wouldnโt be concerned.
he hummed, sliding his hands into his pockets as he looked at you. a moment too long to be unsuspecting. โokay, petal.โ smile. trust.
there was too much lying tainting this friendship. it felt wrong to lie to jaemin, but you followed him to class anyway; keeping quiet, words souring your tongue.
โcโmere,โ he hummed, reaching over and tugging you closer by your shoulders, his touch warm and comforting. to curtail your worry that he knew you werenโt telling him about. he turned his head to look at you, squeezed your bicep slightly.ย
you let out a breath.
year five.
it was your first high school party that you managed to get into. it was loud, bright. strobe lights centered in the living room, stereos blasting with a mix of music too diverse to name a genre. drinks in the kitchen, snacks thrown messily on the floor by the second hour, and bedrooms filled up with horny teens.
you moved your way through the house โ practically being shoved by the crowd and you finally found a free space, eyes darting around desperately for jaemin. parties really were efficacious in making newcomers never want to come back. a hand skimmed your arm and you jumped, looking up to find jeno.
โwhereโs jaem?โ he questioned immediately, one hand in his pocket, the other one dropped to his side as he glanced up over the heads of people. jeno had shot up in height this year. not extremely noticeable, but he walked into school one day and suddenly stuck out more.
โwhereโs mark?โ you responded, answering with your question.
jeno raised his hand again to point out the older, looking helpless, surrounded by a number of girls. โescaped,โ jeno mumbled, shrugging.
you nodded in understanding. and scanned the crowd. your eyes met jaeminโs.ย
and always, always comforting. warm. like the peace of a sunset. the knowledge that the day is over and you can rest. a reassurance only jaemin could offer, easement that made your entire being lighten.ย
โhi petal,โ he breathed, reaching you after awkwardly pushing through the stream of people.ย
โhi jaem,โ you responded, tightness fading.
โdrinks are in the kitchen,โ he hummed with a small smile, and you finally registered the slight glaze covering his gaze. not enough to shadow them, but there. you peeked around him to notice yuta looking your way. expectant as he exited the kitchen.
you couldnโt say you expected to get out of this party alcohol free but yuta always made your skin itch. and you couldnโt help but think that he had something to do with this.
you looked away once jaeminโs hand landed on your forearm. โeverything okay?โ he questioned. you instinctively nodded, staring at yuta a moment longer before someone blocked your line of vision. you swallowed thickly.
and someone ran into your side. haechan, who almost spilled the drinks he had on you. he managed to hold them upright, before shoving one into your hands, and the other to jeno.
โshould i ask?โ jeno questioned, holding up the red cup to his face, examining it cautiously. you could never trust anything with haechan. he went around telling everyone he had his first drink of alcohol at ten ( which in all honesty wasnโt hard to believe โ true or not ).
โtake it back,โ you mumbled, half groaning after catching a whiff of it, holding it out to haechan. he grinned, pushing your hand back to your chest.
โtrust me,โ shaking his head, he mimed tilting your head back and taking a sip.
โyouโre insane,โ you deadpanned, but the drink left your hands when jaemin took it from you and immediately tried it despite your worried protests.
jaemin let out a quick breath as he lowered the drink, took a moment to think about it, before nodding in satisfaction. haechan smirked smugly. โi know my stuff,โ he raised his chin upwards slightly, relishing in all the praise he wasnโt getting. he was probably complimenting himself in his head as usual.
โjust a sip, petal,โ jaemin hummed, urging the cup to you, and when you shook your head, he thankfully let it go and took another drink with a small shrug. he quickly got whisked away by haechan โ assumably for more drink concoctions โ and you turned your head to look at jeno who was still swirling around the liquid in the cup.
โsomethingโs up with jaem,โ you mumbled, crossing your arms loosely, watching the two boys go and try to save mark on their way to the kitchen.
โyeah,โ jeno agreed hesitantly, tracing your gaze.
you bit the inside of your cheek, before reaching out and taking the drink in jenoโs hands, bringing it up to your lips and taking a sip โ albeit tentatively โ before you could talk yourself out of it.ย
the male beside you made some sort of strained sound that sounded like: โwaitโ, but the liquid was already making its way through your system, and soothing the churning in your stomach ( at the cost of fog in your mind ).
you exhaled slowly through your nose, before confidently going out into the crowd. you werenโt sure what haechan had put into the drink, but you definitely were sure that it worked quickly, because in the next hour your worries had dissipated and your concerns had hidden.
your arms were up, carelessly feeling the music, mixed in the crowd of sweaty bodies and shitfaced teenagers. and then an arm snuck around your waist, pulling you against a chest. jaeminโs voice whispered in your ear. โhey petal.โ he smelled of alcohol, but youโre sure you did too.
his breath hit your neck. goosebumps ran over your arms. you stiffened slightly.ย
and then a kiss behind your ear. โyou look like youโre having fun.โ his voice was lower than usual. deepened with something you couldnโt name. intoxication, maybe.
โdo i?โ you responded, voice shakier than you had intended it to be, and your drink sloshed over the sides of the cup when jaemin shifted and pressed a soft kiss the crook of your neck.
he reached out and took it from your hand before you spilled it over yourself as he turned to put it on the nearest surface. โcareful,โ he hummed and spun you slightly so you were now facing him. tilting his head to admire you better, his focus flicked over your features. his eyes were still foggy.ย
โyouโre like a flower, petal. you keep getting prettier and prettier,โ jaemin murmured, hooking a finger under your chin. he leaned closer, and your breath caught as his lips brushed yours before he pulled back abruptly, almost snapping back to reality. his lips parted, about to speak โ
โcops!โ
immediately the music and alcohol screeched to a stop, your thoughts caught up with your heartbeat, and everyone scattered. people running out the back door, escaping through windows, and you stood frozen in shock, seeing the familiar red and blue lights flashing from outside.
oh holy fuck youโre going to get arrested and have your permanent record stained. youโre going to become the shame of the family, and you didnโt even have your diploma yet. oh god youโre so permanently screwed.
and then you were being tugged outside, the cold air hitting your face as familiar laughter surrounded you. โkeep up!โ haechan spoke, interlocking his arm with yours and pulling you along into a run. air rushed around you as your feet hit the ground in an attempt to not stumble and fall.ย
haechan finally slowed into a walk after what felt like forever, letting go of your arm. it took you a moment to register, but the whole group was there. laughing, exhilarated by the thrill of almost getting caught.
you found amusement filling you too, hysteric laughter overcoming, and moments later the five were on the ground, staring up at the stars, calming down.
somewhere in the back of your mind you wondered if the cops would go out searching, but for now it couldnโt bother you to care.
โwe need to promise โโ haechanโs voice sounded, โโ promise to stay together.โ
a quiet sound of agreement rippled through. โlove you guys,โ haechan added, sitting up, and causing a chain reaction. you turned your head, eyes meeting jaeminโs. maybe it was the alcohol that hadnโt been shocked out of your system, but something in his eyes made you pause.
once again, however, red and blue lights ripped through the moment. and the group scrambled up, running again, stiffled laughter following.
jaeminโs hand found yours. making sure you kept up, making sure you were still by his side.
year six.
โhotโ!โ haechan yelped when he tried to reach out and touch the pot, currently on the stove.
that caused a round of laughter from the group. โitโs on the stove, hyuck, of course it would be,โ mark chided. it was now summer weather. and for the past week, you swear the boys havenโt left your house; claiming you had the best air conditioning.
right now they were trying and currently failing in making a fine dining ramen, jeno peacefully chopping up vegetables as mark and haechan tried cooking the noodles without losing their hands.
you were sat on the counter, watching them for your own entertainment. they had begged jaemin for help ( the only sensible one they could trust with a gas stove ) but jaemin just shook his head, an amused smile twitching at his lips.ย
he had escaped somewhere halfway through the process, and hadnโt come back since, but everyone was too focused on not making this a complete disaster.
โi think itโs going well?โ mark spoke, peeking at the boiling noodles.
โis it?โ jeno mused, not bothering to look up from the cutting board.
โyeah mark, is it?โ haechan reiterated, hand resting on the counter as he looked at mark, eyebrow raised, as if accusing him of something.
โis it?โ mark completed the cycle, asking himself the question as he met haechanโs gaze, letting out a laugh.
โcareful,โ jaemin spoke when he came back, making sure jeno didnโt cut too close to his finger. the older nodded slightly, and jaemin stepped closer to you, leaning against the counter, watching mark and haechan as they added the flavoring packets into the noodles.
somehow no one got burned, and the three โ who worked hard on the food โ claimed to need a break, and they hopped off to the living room to steal your tv for the next few hours.
their voices could be heard from the living room, jenoโs full bodied laugh that youโve only heard a handful of times, and markโs endless giggling. probably at haechanโs expense. you couldnโt help but laugh too, even if you didnโt know what they were laughing about.
โtheyโre idiots,โ jaemin commented, glancing at the contents of the pot, letting out a satisfied hum of approval.ย
โthey got the jaemin acceptance?โ you smiled.
โit looks edible enough,โ he responded. his voice was an easy, lazy drawl. as if heโd spent the day working and couldnโt wait to just rest.
and maybe he was tired, with the way he stepped back over to you, taking the spot in between your legs, his arms wrapping around your torso as he leaned in, resting his head in the junction of your shoulder and neck.
the action barely surprised you, and your arms came to wrap around him as well, shifting to make him more comfortable. his breath panned over your neck, slow, steady.
โgood?โ you spoke up.
jaemin didnโt answer for a moment. but then he nodded. โgood.โ his lips brushing your skin with the syllable. and then another pause of nothing, until he pressed a small kiss to your neck.
โi love you, petal,โ he murmured. the words so familiar, yet so different. there was a certain undertone to them, something quiet, unspoken, something you knew wouldnโt ever be said outloud purely because it didnโt need to be.
just as you were about to respond, he lifted his head, face far too close to yours.ย
something in his eyes made your breath catch in your throat. โhi,โ you whispered, taking satisfaction in the way a smile spread over his lips.
that stupid grin.
โhi,โ he responded in a similar soft tone, shifting his hands so they rested at your waist, fingers tracing shapes onto your skin through your shirt.
you took this time. took this time to accept the butterflies in your stomach, the lump in your throat, to take in jaemin.
one of your hands traced up to his cheek, brushing your thumb under his eye, and his shoulders relaxed. you didnโt know when you had started inching closer. you didnโt know when your gaze flicked to his lips.
but you do know that he ducked his head at the last moment, letting out a soft hum. jaemin exhaled out something that resembled a laugh, before lifting his head again, meeting your gaze.
โweโre such idiots,โ he huffed out, hands leaving your waist to hold your face in his hands. โi love you,โ he reiterated, and his lips met yours.
it was soft, a feather brush of the lips. but there. intentional. and he pulled away just as quickly.
โi love you too jaem.โ the words left your mouth before you could even think about them.
you swear he moved to lean in again. you swear something was behind his gaze before he shoved it away. something happy, excited. but the sudden disruption of mark echoed.ย
โfood is good, you guys have some yet?โ mark questioned, walking into the kitchen before noticing the situation, and immediately covered his eyes, backing up. โdidnโt see anything, didnโt ruin anything!โ he yelped, only to bump into haechan, who therefore bumped into jeno, all three landing in an awkward pile.ย
โwhat was happening??โ haechan shoved mark off of him ( earning another yelp from the older ), sitting up to look into the kitchen, where jaemin had moved to stand beside you.ย
both of you stifled a laugh when haechan let out a groan of disappointment.
โnothing was happening,โ you spoke, leaning back on your hands, earning an unimpressed look from all three of the boys on the floor. โright jaem?โ you glanced at the male at your side.
he stared at you for a moment too long. that excited spark fading slightly. โnothing,โ he agreed with a small shrug.
โoh you have to be lying. i can smell the tension,โ haechan spoke, pushing himself to his feet.
โramen,โ jeno spoke from his spot on the floor.
โwhat?โ
โitโs the ramen. you didnโt turn off the stove.โ
โwhat?โ
year seven.
your worries lessened throughout the summer. jaemin hadnโt talked to yuta since that party โ as far as youโre aware, and you really hoped you were right.ย
junior year is where all the stress is; at least thatโs what youโve been told. figuring out where you want to go and balancing school with work. the two years earlier felt more stressful than this one, despite everyone complaining about the workload.
times had changed. haechan had spent most of last summer working, saving up for a car. he had gotten one, and despite the rusty look, he loved it.
the mornings had changed, from taking the bus to being picked up by haechan, squished in the backseat between jeno and jaemin. you had given up complaining about being in the middle.
mark had found a job at the local library, jeno was somehow surviving in the antique slash thrift store across the street from said library, and you and jaemin were still hunting for work.
hangouts at home changed to hangouts trailing after mark or jeno as they worked, rare moments between classes, and lunch. the world seemed destined to pull you all apart. and you were desperate to not let that happen.ย
even so, it was peaceful; nice. no drama that you were involved in. no whispered rumors or mumbled gossip that could bother you. the library was quiet, the thrift store was comforting. jaemin was still jaemin as ever, haechan was still causing chaos whenever he could.
it was as if freshmen and sophomore year hadnโt happened. as if the weight had been lifted off your shoulders and you could finally breathe.
โget in quicker โ mark ran late!โ haechan exclaimed as you slid into the backseat, bumping into jeno on your way to the middle.
โit was you!โ mark spoke, offended from the passenger seat. haechan didnโt respond, and sped off the moment your seatbelt clicked into place. you and jeno shared a small look, before you sat back, watching out the windshield as haechan drove to jaeminโs house.
jaemin was already out front, backpack slung over his shoulder and phone in hand as he sat on the porch steps. he quickly stood up when haechan yelled at him to get in, climbing in and swiftly buckling.
you glanced over at him, greeting on your tongue before it caught in your throat. โwhen did you do that?โ jeno asked for the group, and jaemin grinned, threading a hand through his now silver dyed hair.
โyesterday,โ he hummed innocently.
you felt something sick in your stomach. of course he could dye his hair, but heโd never mentioned it before. and not only did the color give yuta feels, he never did anything without consulting the groupchat first.
the group went quiet, before mark spoke up. โlooks good, dude.โ
that broke the tension. light chatter sparked as usual throughout the four boys, but you sunk down in your seat slightly, worry coursing through your body.ย
arriving at school took another five minutes, but that had all of you rushing out of the car. the final bell rang in three. you glanced behind you to see jaemin meandering towards the doors, and you blinked, only to get pulled into the building by haechan before you could call to him.
there was something painstakingly off about him. something that had changed in that interval of a few hours where you donโt see him. but the moment you entered class, made eye contact with yuta in the back, you knew.
it was his senior year. his last chance to corrupt jaemin before he left. making your way to your seat after getting yelled at for pausing in the doorway, you couldnโt take your eyes off the older boy. he didnโt look away either. your eyes were narrowed, challenging, hiding the fact that you were scared.
scared for yourself. scared for jaemin.
scared of what he could do to jaemin.
your gaze snapped to the front when the lesson started. but you couldnโt get the thought out of your mind.
when lunch rolled around, you found the group at the normal table, and you took your normal seat next to jaemin. the one he always saved for you. normal. you wouldnโt deny that you dissociated for half the time, snapping out of it when jaemin nudged your shoulder with his, gifting you that stupid smile.
you reminded yourself to breathe. he hadnโt changed yet.
โwhy silver?โ you questioned before the conversation could die off, reaching up to fix the strands of hair on his forehead. haechan spoke a small โget a roomโ through a loud cough.
jaemin went quiet for a minute. too long. you were the one who told him to stay away from yuta in the first place. you knew he wouldnโt tell you. but at the same time he wouldnโt lie.
โa friend suggested it,โ he finally said. too deliberate. too suspicious. and his lips pressed into a thin line.
โright.โ was all you responded with. the space between you went taut as you pulled your hand away, and a guilty look he gave you when he thought you werenโt looking told you all you needed to know.
his hair stayed silver for weeks on end, and he even dragged you along to get it retouched every once in a while.
until he didnโt.ย
the texts till midnight faded off to small โgood nightsโ at nine pm. his frantic notice of messaging you โEMERGENCYโ to get your attention changed to โpetalllllโ, patiently waiting for your response instead of spamming you. some might call it maturing, you called it concerning.
jaemin had always been bothersome in the most endearing way. and he never seemed to be at the risk of changing. which wasnโt particularly a bad thing, but it was too abrupt. too sudden for you to let it go easily.ย
school was odd. he started pulling away then too. sitting across from you at lunch instead of being connected at the hip. his smile didnโt reach his eyes and the glint in his eyes looked too familiar.ย
you found yourself at the library more often than not, craving for some nostalgia, hoping mark would be able to give that to you. granted, you just worriedly rambled, trailing along as he shelved books, but it was helping.
โsomethings going on with him. the dyed hair, he takes hours to text back โโ you sucked in a small breath. โiโm worried, mark,โ
โi know you are,โ mark responded, glancing at you. โbut heโs probably just going through something. like that time jeno didnโt respond to us for weeks because his cat ran away.โ the older shrugged.
you pressed your lips together. โbut โโ
โi know. itโs going to be fine,โ mark interrupted you, offering you a pity smile.
and you swallowed, took a deep breath, nodded. trying to convince yourself using markโs words. itโs going to be fine.
a hand came up to your shoulder, and you looked behind you to see jaemin. โhi petal,โ he breathed, and immediately you knew something was wrong. you tensed, mark paused.
because the smell of cigarette smoke was infiltrating your senses.
โhi jaemin,โ you spoke, voice weaker than you intended it to be. you cleared your throat.
the other let out a small hum of satisfaction as mark offered a greeting as well. jaemin tugged you closer, arm wrapped around your shoulders as usual. but it wasnโt the same, because you were tense. the one time jaeminโs presence hadnโt left you relaxed.
you werenโt calm, not even close to it. the cigarette smoke lingering on his clothes. that innocent grin. only smiling because he was high. he didnโt care if you knew or not, not now. and youโre scared that he wonโt care even when it wears off. that heโll stop caring, stop being jaemin.
apparently mark registered the look behind your eyes, because he reached out and tugged you over to him by your arm. jaeminโs face fell slightly, confusion crossing his gaze.
ย โpetal?โย
you looked up. jaeminโs eyebrows were furrowed, the start of a frown tainting his expression. mark squeezed your forearm. you drew strength from that. โyeah jaem,โ you breathed.
he didnโt respond, watching you. the moment cracked when haechan came up from behind jaemin, practically jumping on him, the two almost falling over. all the apprehensiveness was suddenly gone from jaeminโs expression as he turned to haechan with a grin.
the smell of smoke was suddenly stronger. you could feel mark gripping your arm tighter.
it was almost suffocating, you felt your lungs constricting, and you wanted to pick up your feet and run as far away as you could. because not only was it jaemin, it was haechan too. forget being scared, you were terrified. like the world was crumbling underneath your feet.ย
maybe it was dramatic, but you couldnโt feel any other way. not now. not when you could practically see them changing right before your eyes.
you couldnโt help but imagine a future where jaemin and haechan led jeno โ mark as well โ to follow them, leaving you completely, utterly, alone.
โi have to get home,โ you spoke suddenly, and all the heads turned to you. โsorry,โ you added, but the apology was mostly for mark, leaving him alone with them. you tugged your arm away before turning and practically running off.
year eight.
โpetal!โ echoed in the halls. you didnโt want to stop, but your feet seemed to pause anyway. jaemin always had that effect.ย
โhey, it feels like youโre running away from me,โ jaemin spoke after catching up, half out of breath from chasing after you. โi havenโt seen you in days.โ he hummed.
โyou saw me yesterday,โ you reminded him, offering a small look his direction, trying to loosen the tension in your shoulders. at least the smoke smell wasnโt as distinct this time.
jaemin pursed his lips into a pouty frown. โi know, but we havenโt hung out.โ
you didnโt respond, because you didnโt feel like lying and saying you had hung out recently. to be completely frank, you had been avoiding jaemin. purposefully reading his texts a few hours late, taking the wrong halls just to not bump into him. every time you saw him, that familiar sinking feeling settled into your stomach. suffocating.
โbeen busy then?โ jaemin answered for you, peeking around to look at your face.
โjob hunting,โ you agreed shortly. it wasnโt a lie. youโd been job hunting for months. it seemed that no stores needed help anymore.
jaemin nodded. โthe library?โ
โtried already,โ you shook your head.
โdream cafe.โ
โapparently they hired five people last week,โ you mumbled.
โreally? but theyโve had that โhiringโ sign up for years,โ jaemin reached up to fix his hair. still silver. โcrazy timing,โ he let out a small laugh, the kind that was forced, trying to ease the tension.
โyeah,โ you agreed. jaeminโs eyebrows furrowed at your response, and he peeked at your face again.
โare you okay?โ he asked, gaze flicking over your features. โyouโre . . . acting off.โ
โam i?โ you mused; sarcastically if you looked close enough.ย
jaemin hesitated. โyeah, petal.โ he spoke quietly, almost weakly, as if he had finally gathered why you were so off. โiโll see you later?โ he offered after a silent moment, already backing up and giving you a wave.
you hated how stiff the conversation was. taut. awkward. stepping carefully as if to not set off a minefield.ย
you supposed it was your fault.
jeno said the same thing after school. โgranted, itโs also jaeminโs. he knows you donโt like what heโs doing,โ the older added โ probably just to make you feel better.
โyou canโt be okay with this either, jeno,โ you defended yourself, pressing your lips together.
he glanced at you, leaning against the counter slightly. it was a slow day, but you were sure jeno was fond of that. he never did like working the register. โi never said i was,โ he finally said. too slowly for your taste.
tilting your head earned a small sigh from jeno. โiโm not okay with it.โ words reverted, corrected, and you nodded in satisfaction. jeno rolled his eyes. โmaybe you should focus on something else,โ he mumbled. โmaybe your grades? you only have one year left, you know,โ he raised an eyebrow in your direction.
you made a face at him. โmy grades are fine, thank you.โ
jeno let out another sigh. โheโs going to be fine, okay? itโs jaem. heโs smart,โ he tried again.
โmark said the same thing.โ your gaze flicked to the side, uncertain. you couldnโt tell if it was genuine reassurance, or they just wanted you to get off their back.
jaemin never tended to follow the crowd โ always one to diverge from the path, to push through foliage and leaves until he found the shortcut. so when he did end up in that crowd, it wasnโt hard to believe that heโd get lost. influenced by the wrong people, unaware of it happening.
which is what you wished was happening. you wished he was too naive, too gullible. but he wasnโt. jaemin knew exactly what he was doing.
thatโs the worst part. he knows. and yet he still does it.
you knew he knew.
he knew you knew.
jenoโs customer service voice pulled you from your thoughts, and you glanced up from the counter, then down again, before doing a double take. hair dyed red, long, and somehow styled perfectly. sharp gaze, decorative chains and rings and necklaces.
yuta.ย
you hadnโt seen him for a while. passing each other in school, maybe, but even then, you didnโt see him as much.
it was his last year. that was what you kept repeating to yourself. surely his effect wouldnโt last while he was gone. surely jaemin would go back to normal.
jeno offered you a side glance as he pressed a few buttons on the register, neatly folding the jacket that the older had picked out. you didnโt catch it, still unable to look away from yuta. and jeno offered a bag, turning away to grab it when he got a nod in response.
and finally, yuta met your gaze. eyes sharp, telling. if only you knew what story they were trying to thread. โthanks.โ his voice was a slow drawl, hand coming up to collect the bag jeno offered. he didnโt look away from you.
โthank you for coming,โ jeno spoke, in return, leaning on the counter, palms flat against the top. the smile yuta offered in return had you fighting back a shudder.
apparently yuta knew too.
knew that he won. that he got jaemin on his side.
if there were even sides to this. instead of just pathways. the walk of life. and yuta had pushed jaemin to the left fork in the road. you were still trying to drag jaemin back.
although . . . speak of the devil and he shall come. because there was the shimmer of silver hair โ the one that almost sparkled in the sunlight. you knew because jaemin had shown you once, too adorably excited about it. especially when you offered the random glitter you had in your room at the time ( you were still finding glitter in your room ).
jaemin stepped up to yutaโs side, his expression falling immediately at the sight of you and jeno. like he hadnโt expected you to be there, like he hadnโt wanted you to be there.
youโre sure your expression fell too.
you couldnโt bother to pay attention to your features, instead stepping out and immediately grabbing jaeminโs wrist, pulling him away from the other two.
youโre also sure jeno shot a helpless look at the back of your head.
โjaem, i thought i told you he was bad for you.โ you immediately hushed your voice down, despite the fact you had tugged jaemin away and yuta probably wasnโt bothering to listen.
it was a stark contrast to how indifferent you had acted before. you regretted it. you shouldโve had this conversation earlier.ย
the sad thing is, you did. you swear youโve had this conversion with jaemin hundreds of times ( most of which were probably in your head ), and yet he was still here. still doing it.
โheโs not, petal. i swear.โ jaemin always had this tick when lying. heโd press his lips together into a thin line.ย
and you hated how you knew that, because why wouldnโt you? why wouldnโt you know jaeminโs every give away, his every microexpression? you were his best friend.
the utter thought of that pained you. you were his best friend. you thought you were his best friend but โย
well, you didnโt know if he thought that anymore.
โjaemin,โ you almost pleaded. you werenโt sure if you were pleading for him to stop, for him to come back to you, or both.
he swallowed. glanced back at yuta, and then to you. โiโm sorry,โ jaemin mumbled, hand coming up to scratch his cheek nervously.
โjaemin.โ you probably sounded too desperate.
he glanced at yuta once more, pausing before his eyes flicked to meet yours. โwhat, petal?โ he finally spoke after a suffocating silence. โiโm sorry.โ something in his gaze had changed. something hardened, something that had your stomach settling uneasily. โpeople grow apart, they stop talking โ what excuse do you want? move on,โ and your name slipped past his lips.
jaemin had this talent of stealing your breath away. but he was the one that always reminded you to breathe afterwards, albeit this time he didnโt seem to want to give it back.
you had described suffocating before, but this was drowning. and the sea was winning.
it was jaemin collecting every soft kiss on the cheek, every three am text thread, every smile and tease ever interchanged, and using them as the kindling of the fire desperately trying to keep him warm.
but then a spark.
maybe you were just grasping at threads. non-existent threads.
but his lips pressed together. one, thin line.
year nine.
jaemin had been the only thing on your mind recently. granted, he was always there, but he was never so distinct. it was like he had consumed you. cracked every part of you inch by inch until you were painfully, excruciatingly โ
โcalm down,โ a loud voice spoke, too close to your ear. and you jumped slightly, leaning away from the sound. โyou think too much,โ chenle mumbled.
โi have a headache,โ you groaned.
summer was spent connecting. for some reason, somehow. it wasnโt even your plan ( your summer plans consisted of hiding from the sun and crying in your room ), but you got roped into it. and you needed company. mark was busy, haechan was who knows where ( granted youโve been slightly avoiding him too ), jeno tried his best but heโd been on vacation all summer. and jaemin โ
โyou poor thing,โ renjun hummed, patting your back, albeit the action felt condescending.
renjun actually wasnโt really one of yutaโs posse members, not like you had originally thought. he just tagged along once, got roped up into their antics, and then left as soon as it went too far.
the sun was out, the clouds were fluffy, the sky a shade of blue that felt too pretty for human eyes. and school started tomorrow. youโd barely seen jaemin all summer. texting him was a rarity โ him responding was even rarer. now youโd have to face him tomorrow. because for all you knew, haechan was the easiest way to get to school.
renjun doesnโt have a car, chenle hasnโt bothered to learn how to drive yet. youโd just have to hope and pray that they hadnโt forgotten about you.
โwhenโs jisung getting hereee, itโs hottt,โ chenle complained, dragging out the syllables for added effect, shifting on his spot on the picnic table as he pulled out his phone, checking the group chat for any updates.
โitโs been five minutes, le,โ you mumbled, also pulling out your phone to check.ย
โfive minutes too late,โ the younger responded, pursing his lips into a pout as he started typing out a message to assumably yell at jisung.
renjun shared a look with you, one of pure exasperation, and you smiled. jisung and chenle were underclassmen. you had bumped into the group randomly on one of your pity walks โ the ones where you haul yourself outside so you can say you hadnโt rotted in bed all summer โ and for some reason they sparked a conversation.ย
chenle had recognized you, jisung didnโt know who you were. renjun offered an awkward start.
so here you were now, at the end of summer after hanging out with the friends you didnโt know your entire life. and you missed mark. you knew heโd laugh too loudly at chenleโs jokes, haechan would love messing with renjun, jeno would be jeno, and jaemin . . . heโd fit in too well and it hurt.ย
it hurt because you missed him. painfully so. everything hurt.ย
โi just got here. stop being so melancholy,โ jisung mumbled as he sank into the seat next to you, nudging your arm with his to snap you out of your thoughts again. โthis jaemin is a jerk, i donโt know why youโre sad about him.โ he shook his head slightly.
you knew their opinions of jaemin. the topic had slipped out one time when they asked where your other friends were. it was a messy evening of disgusted and offended expressions, chenleโs loud dolphin screech when defending you, and jisungโs small mumbles of how you shouldnโt feel bad. renjun already knew most of it anyway.
โbecause โโ
โyou were friends for your entire life,โ chenle interrupted, letting out an exaggerated sigh. โwe know. but friends grow apart, just how life works.โ
you went quiet, fidgeting with your hands, and the silence followed you, until it was broken by a small yelp of pain from chenle who sent renjun a sharp glare.
โi meanโsorry?โ chenle turned back to you with a shrug.ย
a hand found yours, and you glanced to the side to see jisung offering you a small smile. he squeezed your hand. you couldnโt help but offer a smile in return.ย
jisung was a comfort you had found in the passing days.ย
sure, chenle and renjun were good friends, but jisung was soft. quiet, and peaceful in the way that it settled your antsyness. he was like jaemin โ what jaemin was to you before.
you tried desperately not to think of jisung as a replacement.
โcome on guys, weโre already late,โ jisung spoke up, distracting chenle effectively, and the male stood up from the picnic bench, pushing himself up, palms flat against the wood.
โjisungโs right, letโs go,โ he hummed, shifting and happily hopping off, not looking back to see if you three were following.
you huffed out a small laugh, before moving and pulling jisung along with you, glancing to make sure renjun got up too.
the world seemed to want to match your mood that morning. the blue from yesterday had faded to a gloom, a grey cloud cover holding the sun back from shining. you were sat on your porch, staring at your text thread with haechan. โhey can you still pick me up?โ from you, highlighted by that familiar blue, and the words โread, 6:54 amโ right under them.ย
no response, not even one of those thumbs up reactions. though you knew avoiding haechan all summer wouldnโt help with that.
it was seven thirty. routine was him showing up at seven ten. you clicked off your phone, letting out a small sigh, standing up. the school wasnโt that far. just enough walking distance to be annoying, but not painful.
your name was called, and you immediately looked up, finding the familiar action of haechan gesturing for you to get in, his car in front of the sidewalk, mark in the passenger seat as usual.ย
you stepped over, climbing into the backseat, letting out a quiet, relieved breath to yourself. โwhereโs jeno?โ you questioned, buckling as haechan started driving.
โhe got a car apparently,โ haechan answered, giving you an eye roll through the rearview mirror, โhis parents and grandparents helped pay for it.โ
โwe get it, you worked hard for yours,โ mark spoke, exasperated like he had heard this story before โ he probably had โ but a grin was on his face.
โwhy does he get his for free??โ haechan whined.
โanyway, heโs picking up jaem, so you have the backseat to yourself,โ mark ignored haechanโs pitchy complaints as he turned slightly to look at you.
โoh,โ you said, a mix of relief that you wouldnโt have to be squished in between them anymore, but then came the dread. you had prepared yourself all morning to face jaemin, and now you had to wait an extra ten minutes. โthank god,โ you added after a silent moment to avoid getting a pity look from mark.
the older stared at you for a moment, before turning back to sit right in his seat. and you slouched slightly, half listening to haechanโs continued envious complaints about jenoโs car.
you watched mark and haechan interact, feeling a slight relief that haechan didnโt question your sudden disappearance from his life. mark had told you a few months ago that haechan had immediately quit smoking after that moment anyway.
you turned to look out the window, attempting to prepare yourself.
when the familiar sight of the school building faded into view, you forced out a breath. haechan practically dragged you out of his car after he parked, and you listened in as he told you about his eventful summer.
part of you wanted to go find jaemin. the other wanted to run to your first period and start planning out all your routes of avoiding him while also not being a complete loner. youโd have to text chenle for his schedule. he probably knew renjunโs and jisungโs already too.
the second part of you won out, and you waved mark and haechan a goodbye, slipping out of the latterโs grip to head to your first period.
you wished it couldโve been a normal first day like usual. where you and jaemin somehow immediately find each other โ where you practically always have the same schedule, and walked to class together. always.
a third part of you wished that your schedules were the same.
and a fourth wished they were different.
taking a seat near the middle of the classroom, you glanced at the board, before sliding down in your seat slightly, letting out the nth deep-sigh-of-resignation breath today.
the bell rang five minutes later. no jaemin. you didnโt know whether you wanted to let out a cheer or a disappointed cry. when the teacher walked in, the joyful first day activities began. you were trying to listen as they rambled about grade percentages, icebreakers, and themselves, but all your attention was stolen when the door opened.ย
jaemin walked into the room like a ghost from your past. but he didnโt look the same. the jaemin you remembered had fire in his gaze. warmth, comfort. this one had ice. cold, dark indifference.
his hair was dyed a dark blue. dark enough that it could pass as black. his natural hair color. you wondered if that was on purpose, but you knew that nothing in his life was about you anymore.
you looked up to meet his eyes as he surveyed the room. brown, hardened by the act of threat, but they didnโt soften this time. he barely even looked at you, flicking away to look over your head for an empty seat. and he maneuvered through, brushing past you.
ignoring the way your heart sunk to your stomach was a task. but you donโt know what you were hoping for.
the summer of silence had said enough.
though the whispers that followed him were new.ย
not that jaemin hadnโt gotten a multitude of rumors with his name before, but these were tense. words of how heโd stolen from convenience stores, how he had just picked something up and walked out with it.
there were mentions of drugs, alcohol, sex.
the third part of you knew they werenโt true, at least not all of them. though rumors came from a sprinkle of truth.ย
โna jaemin,โ the teacher spoke the moment jaemin sat down. apparently heโd made enough of a name of himself for the teachers to already know him. โplease refrain from being late and interrupting class, wonโt you?โ
jaemin didnโt answer, slouching in his seat slightly, turning his head to look out the window. and the whispers started up again.
the moment the bell rung, you stood up to go find chenle, hating the way you almost fell over to keep from bumping into jaemin. he spared you something that barely resembled a glance, but you didnโt stick around.
blood was pounding in your ears and you felt so stupid for being on the brink of tears.
โhey โโ a familiar voice caught up with you, and you were so painfully thankful to hear it.
โhi jeno,โ you responded, but at that point you were already pulling him into a hug, hiding your face in his chest. your voice was barely audible, muffled against his clothing.
โhey,โ jeno replied, with the same word, though softer this time, like he already knew what was going on inside your head. and his arms wrapped around your middle.
you stayed like that, in the middle of the hall, surely being the biggest annoyance to other people, until jeno let go and pulled you over to the side, ducking his head down slightly to meet your eyes. โyou okay?โ he questioned, worry creasing his features.
โsheโs fine.โ chenleโs voice came from out of nowhere, and you looked to your side to see the male staring jeno down like he had personally offended him.
you blinked, forcing your tears away as you let out a small laugh. โitโs fine lele,โ you mumbled, removing yourself from jenoโs arms when you felt the pressure of jisungโs stare after he had come up from behind chenle. โthis is jeno.โ
chenleโs lips formed an โoโ shape, and his hardened expression immediately cracked. โwasnโt sure โ better safe than sorry!โ he chirped, offering a smile to jeno, who merely blinked in return.
โyou already saw him?โ jisung spoke, keeping his voice quiet like someone would be listening in. his hand came up to yours, interlacing your fingers.
you nodded, swallowing down the emotions threatening to spill over again. you didnโt think it wouldโve been that hard.
jisung squeezed your hand. and you forced your eyes up from where they had fallen to the floor, noting the way jenoโs eyes seemed to be trained on your hands.ย
โso whereโs your next class?โ chenle interjected, moving to distract you, shoulder bumping against yours as he led you on to start walking again. you didnโt let go of jisungโs hand, ultimately leading him along as well.
jeno took the spot next to chenle.
your mind flashed to a vague remembrance of your schedule. you shrugged, earning an eye roll from chenle as he proceeded to drag you to his next class instead.
year ten.
youโre not sure you could get any lower.ย
youโre pretty sure your heart shatters over again every time you see jaemin. you wonder if you could sue the school for giving you and jaemin the same schedule โ but last year you wouldโve been cheering, jumping up and down with jaemin.
heโs changed his hair at least three times throughout the school year. from dark blue to blond, to light brown, and currently settled at a light pink.
his favorite color; if it was still his favorite color. or maybe he had changed that too.
โcome by the library?โ was the first notification you got after school, markโs contact name popping up on your screen, and you shoved your phone back into your pocket, turning on your heel to head in the direction of the library.
you pushed the door open once you got there, relishing in the peaceful quiet of the place. you wondered why you didnโt go to the library as often โ it was a nice break from everything.ย
a quiet call of your name snapped you back to reality, and you turned to see mark gesturing you over, a cart of books at his side.ย
โhey,โ he hummed, and his tone of voice had you pausing slightly.
โhey,โ you reiterated his greeting, although yours was slower, more cautious.
โjaemin texted me,โ mark spoke, reiterating your tone this time, meeting your gaze, hand pausing halfway up to the shelf before he shoved it where it was supposed to go.
you bit your tongue. โoh.โ you tried your best to keep your tone neutral, flat, even. itโd been too long for it to still have an effect on you ( thatโs what you told yourself ).
mark continued. โhe asked about you.โ
โoh.โ
that earned you a stare from mark, to which you responded with a stare back, and mark unlocked his phone to hand it to you.
you tapped to messages, jaeminโs contact, then scrolled up a bit until you saw โpetalโ. and you paused, starting your downwards scroll, scanning the messages.
โpetal hates me rightโ was the first thing that really caught your eye, and your movement stalled, swallowing slightly.
you didnโt. you really didnโt hate him, no matter how much you wanted to, no matter how much chenle, jisung and renjun thought you should.
the way your heart stuttered every time you saw him was traitorous. in nerves, embarrassment, anything else โ you couldnโt answer.
โyou okay?โ mark questioned, noting the look in your eyes. he reached out and took the phone from you, keeping you from seeing anything else. the way his finger twitched let you know that he regretted showing you.
โfine,โ you mumbled.
mark let out a small breath, slow, knowing.ย
โiโm going to head home.โ the words left your mouth shortly.ย
โstay safe,โ mark spoke softly.
something bad was going to happen. you knew it the moment jaeminโs contact popped up on your notifications. the dread had started since you had read the text. and the uneasiness had settled in your stomach when you had typed back without thinking.
minย
11:42 pm ย ย can we talk?
youย
11:49 pm ย ย yeah
minย
11:49 pm ย ย okay
minย
11:50 pm ย ย iโm coming over
coming over.ย
face to face.ย
to talk.
you didnโt even know why you had agreed. your fingers had moved before you had even thought of a response. maybe it was years of practice. jaemin whining at you when you took too long to respond, that you had fell into this habit of responding in at least the next minute.
if that was even a thing.
you spent the ten minutes it took to get from his house to yours sitting on the couch, practically rocking back and forth, wondering why it took fifteen minutes instead.
until jenoโs car pulled into the driveway, and you were at the door even before jaemin knocked.
he did. the sound echoing through the room like some sort of impending doom. your hand grasped the doorknob, turned it, pulled.ย
and there he was. jaemin โ your jaemin. the one who had that everlasting sparkle in his eyes, the one who giggled at everything cute and snatched up everything even remotely pink.
โyour hairโs pink,โ you blurted out, despite already knowing this information.
jaeminโs gaze flicked up, as if seeing the color for the first time. he shrugged. โyeah.โ
you swallowed before stepping aside, letting him in. the silence was long, painfully so. neither of you spoke. the only echo being the click when you closed the door.
your eyes traced his features like you hadnโt seen him in years. and it felt like it. that you havenโt seen your jaemin since yuta entered the picture. his eyes were soft, not the cold exterior you saw in school, but almost back to that soft brown. warm. guilt ridden.
โiโm sorry petal,โ he finally broke the silence, saying the words youโd been thinking of for the past year. โiโm so fuck โ iโm so sorry,โ he whispered. not the strain where he was forcing them out, but the strain where the words had been wearing at his vocal cords for months, where the pressure of them had been pushing on his thoughts, where it caused an endless headache if he didnโt get them out, if he didnโt mean them.
you didnโt respond. couldnโt; not when relief flooded your eyes, not when it felt like your throat was closing up. you didnโt think youโd get him back, not your jaemin.
but now here he was, standing in front of you, shoulders shrinking into himself the longer you stayed quiet.
โjaem.โ his name was an exhale, one that urged him to look up.
your eyes met. staring, unwilling to look away. and something clicked.
you werenโt sure what โ maybe your friendship, maybe a silent agreement, maybe, maybe, both of you looking at each other, and finally realizing everything. the small, tiny details. the ones neither of you had talked about in months.
you found yourself crashing into jaeminโs arms, which wrapped around you. securely; the reassurance only he could offer, relaxation that made your entire being lighten.
a small laugh fell from his lips โ though someone could say it sounded more like the start of a sob.
you donโt think youโve ever felt so relieved in your life, not because jaemin was crying, but because now you knew you werenโt losing him, you hadnโt lost him.
โi love you, petal โ i canโt โ i canโt just apologize for doing โ leaving you โโ jaemin stumbled over his words, slightly muffled by the way he spoke them into your shoulder. his grip tightened, obviously straining.
โi love you too jaem,โ you whispered back, and the words werenโt romantic, they didnโt need to be. because you both did love each other โ too much for it to be expressed in a three word sentence, far too much for it to be ruined by vacuous stares.
he pulled away slightly, just enough to meet your eyes, a wisp of space between you two. you could see the slight glimmer in his eyes. the threat of tears.ย
something in you stitched itself back together again. your hands traced up to cup his face, thumbing under his cheek as if catching the tears that hadnโt fallen yet.ย
he started leaning in before you did. and the moment your lips met his felt like youโd gone home. it was years, years, of shared looks, sinking hearts, and smiles that were only there for each other.
jaeminโs hands came up to rest on your wrists, holding your hands in place, keeping you steady, centered, grounded. when he pulled away his eyes met yours again. his lips parted to speak, only for a small ding to interrupt the conversation.
the two of you let out a small laugh, and your hands dropped from his face. โyou should check that,โ you whispered, not wanting to risk breaking the moment by being too loud. โitโs late, might be your mom.โ
jaemin nodded, heart sinking at the loss of your touch, before he pulled out his phone, earning the sight of a notification from jeno that read: โdude where did you even goโ
another one popped up: โcan you ask before stealing my car at midnightโ
then a third one: โcome back before my mom notices ๐โ
jaemin huffed out another soft laugh, โi have to go,โ he hummed, texting jeno back before sliding his phone away. โiโll see you tomorrow? and we can talk? fully?โ hope lingered in his eyes.
your smile was something jaemin couldnโt help but lean in to kiss again. a small noise of surprise slipped from your throat, eliciting another peck from him ( cuteness aggression ).
โjaem โ jaem โโ you giggled, reaching to hold his face in your hands again, keeping him from leaning in a third time. โyou have to go,โ you reminded him.
โright,โ he whispered, not moving.
you let out a small hum, and another notification from his phone got him to straighten up slightly.
โokay,โ jaemin mumbled, leaning in to press a kiss to your forehead. โtomorrow,โ he promised. and you nodded, watching him step back and bump into the door before opening it and slipping out with a small wave.
you glanced at the window, watching jenoโs car pull out of the driveway. and you let out a soft breath, relief surging through you for the nth time. god you loved him.
the multitude of jokes shouldโve prepared jaemin for this โ his life flashing before his eyes. and of course, the first thing was you.
when he was eight years old he had made the best decision of his life. speaking up and saving you from the jerks who thought you were anything but pretty. you had caught his eye on the first day of school, and heโd went home that day asking his mom about love.
when he was thirteen he knew it was you. maybe not romantically, but he knew you were his soulmate. the moment pink stained your cheeks and the nickname petal first slipped from his lips. it fit you painfully well. pretty, pure, soft.
and when he was fourteen he now realized he made you a promise he couldnโt keep. because you didnโt have any more time โ not with him anymore. he wished you did.
jaemin knew you were lying. fifteen years old, seven years of friendship and he knew you like the back of his hand. how couldnโt he, with the way his eyes barely fell from you. but he had brushed it off, pushed it aside without talking about it. he shouldโve asked.
sophomore year and he regretted everything โ especially pulling away. especially not just leaning in and finally . . something couldโve started so much earlier, instead of the years of pinning, of knowing glances yet nothing happening.
seventeen left him dazed and confused, heavy with rejection. he couldnโt tell you how long he stayed up after that, how long he felt your lips lingering against his, your confession echoing in his head and yet he still didnโt address it. neither did you.
the silver hair he adorned for junior year, and mark joked that it had seeped into his head. maybe it had โ maybe he could blame everything heโd done on hair dye poison. maybe he could rewind time and promise you it wasnโt your fault.
and maybe he shouldโve told you that he had lied. that every single word of his in that fight wasnโt true, that he hadnโt changed, that he hadnโt grown apart.
yet all he left you with was a lingering kiss and a promise that heโd be back.
but he wouldnโt be coming back.ย
not with the screeching tires in his ears, the loud honking, and the headlights of a car at his side.
god, he loved you. of course you would be the last thought on his mind.
you woke up to your phone buzzing on your night stand. groggy, tired, and half expecting it to be jaemin, you picked up without glancing at the caller id โ jenoโs voice filling your ear.
โhey โโ choked, tearful.
โjen?โ you responded, panic surging through your voice. โhey, whatโs โ?โ
โmy first with him, he already had his with her,โ โ to all the boys I loved before
โฆ You didnโt mean for the letter to send, but it somehow didโand now, he slipped into all the little corners of your life where no one else ever stayed. Unfortunately, you canโt shake the feeling that โyou canโt be mad at someone for breaking your heart โ it means they loved you in the first place.โ Every moment with him feels like something new, something real, something dangerously close to a first youโll never get back. But falling for him means risking everythingโฆ including the parts of yourself youโre scared to show. || pairing: soccer!player James x reader โ๏ธ wc: 14.9k
โผ๏ธ warnings: emotional conflict, jealousy, slow-burn romance, miscommunication, teen angst, mild language, relationship tension, harsh language, making out, pet names
๐ a/n: requested! thank you so much for this idea. I actually didnโt watch the movie so I had to reinstall Netflix and binge watch the first two ๐ฅฒ.
James has you pressed against the wall before you can breathe, his body hot and solid against yours like heโs been dying to get his hands on you.
He pulls his shirt off in one swift motion. Muscles flexing, stomach tightening and the second he catches the way your eyes linger, his mouth curls into a dirty, knowing smirk.
โYeah?โ
His voice drops, low and cocky.
โYou like that donโt you?โ
Your thighs clench without permission. You nod, helpless. He slides a hand down your waist, fingers dipping under your waistband, brushing heat, barely there, just enough to make your breath hitch.
โFuck,โ he laughs softly, lips dragging along your jaw. โLook at youโso pretty.โ
His thumb presses against your clothed pussy, firm enough to make your hips jerk forward.
You gasp, a quiet, desperate sound, and he eats it from your mouth as he kisses you hard, tongue pushing past your lips like he owns the right. Your back hits the wall again.
His hips grind into you, slow and deliberate, the thick shape of his cock rubbing exactly against the spot that makes your knees buckle.
โThought youโd break for me this easy,โ he mutters against your mouth. His fingers slip lower โLet me hear it.โ
โJ-James..ย I-โ
You jolt so hard the pen flies out of your hand.
Youโre instantly pulled back from your fantasyโheat to ice water in a heartbeat.
โY/n?โ your dad calls, voice muffled through your bedroom door. โDinner will be ready in ten. Your sister will set the table today.โ
You slap your palm over the letter like youโre hiding a crime scene. โIโIโll be down in a sec!โ
Your voice cracks. Horribly. Clearing your throat, you try again. โYeah! Justโuhโfinishing something!โ
Footsteps retreat down the hallway. Silence drops. Then the frightย hits you.ย You stare down at the paper. At the graphic, thirsty disaster you apparently wrote while possessed by a sex demon.
โOh my fucking god.โ You grab the paper in both hands, crumpling it so fast it practically crunches like aluminum foil.
โWhat is wrong with you, Y/n?โ You fling the balled-up letter toward the overflowing trash can. It bounces off the rim and lands on the floor like itโs mocking you. Of course it misses. Even your garbage has better aim than your life. A waste of paperย andย your time. You bury your face in your hands and groan into your palms.
โHe doesnโt evenย knowย you exist,โ you mutter, pacing once, twice, like that might shake the embarrassment off. โHow stupid do you have to be writing porn aboutย James!โ
James, the schoolโs most popular student who also happens to be in the soccer team. James who probably doesnโt know you existย andย has a girlfriend. Or situationship. Or whatever the hell Amy counts as.
You drop back into your desk chair, heart still racing from the stupid fantasy. A mixture between wetness and heat still clings to your skin in places you wish it didnโt.
โThis is insane,โ you whisper to the ceiling. โActually insane.โ
You grab another sheet of paper, intending to write something normal. Something sane. Something not involving walls and grinding and his stupid smirk.
The page stays blank. Your hand trembles slightly. You shove it away and stand up.
โDinner,โ you tell yourself. โFood. Air. Brain reset. Noโฆ hornyโฆ writing.โ
You take one step toward the door. Then stop. Then glance at the trash pile, the paper mountain you swore youโd never let anyone see.
One of them shifts from the movement of your fan. A small, sinking feeling hits your stomach. You really need to get a better trash can. Or maybe a shredderโno! Therapy. But first: dinner.
You yank open your bedroom door before you can psych yourself out again. And somewhere in the back of your headโthe part you hate the mostโJamesโs voice from your imagination lingers like smoke:ย Yeah? You like that?
You swallow hard.
โShut UP,โ you whisper to absolutely no one. You go downstairs anyway.
You drift down the stairs the minute the kitchen smells like something worth living for again. Your sister Annie is figuring out how her new phone works that she got for her thirteenth birthday recently. Your dad has his elbows on the counter, the kind of casual that says heโs trying to be chill but actually means business.
โYou okay?โ he asks between ladles of sauce. He always asks when you look a little too quiet.ย
You shrug and grab a roll. โYeah. Fine. Hungry.โ
Heโs stirring the pot and watching you like someone trying to read the news in a window reflection. โYouโre eighteen, Y/n. That means you should try opening up to people a little. Join a club, meet someone new. Donโt close yourself off to the same circle forever.โ
You give him the eyebrow. โYou mean Bella?โ
โBellaโs great,โ he says, tone is deliberately even. โBut reliable isnโt everything. You have thisโฆ tendency to tuck yourself away. Try something that rattles you.โ
โBella is the most reliable person one could ever know,โ you scoff, crossing your arms in front of you. Suddenly, the wordsย slide into the hollow place where your thoughts live and rattles something loose. Open up. Rattle. Shake. Itโs stupid, obvious, and for reasons you canโt quite explain, it feels like the exact sentence you needed to hear.Before your dad can say anything else, you quickly get up from your seat.
โHoney- whereโre you going?!โ Your dad asks, your sisterโs gaze following his. You donโt answer him. Thereโs no time for that. Sitting at your desk with your lamp low, you carefully grab another slip of paper.. Youโve always been the type to catalogue everything. Feelings, small humiliations, the way your chest tightens when you see James in the hallway, into the soft, safe pages of your diary. But you ran out of pages two days ago. You didnโt throw the journal away; you just taped the spine and pretended that was a solution. Now the spine is a Band-Aid and your life is still leaking.
So you do something slightly insane. You write a letter. A letter to James that youโre obviously not going to send. But youโre not going to send itโfuck no. You might be crazy but not to that extent. Instead, this letter will just fulfill your delusions, knowing youโre too much of a pussy to actually go talk to him.ย
Plus, James as Amy. A girl thatโs ten times prettier than you. Even if the letter was sent, it wouldnโt do anything but humiliate her. You sit down and you write like the instruction are pressed into your ribs.ย
Dear James,
I donโt know what kind of courage is even required to put this into paper and not just into the soft pulp of my diary where it will sit forever and never hurt anyone but me. Iโm out of pages. I like to pretend thatโs why this is happening, but really itโs because your face keeps crowding the edges of the life I think I should lead and I am tired of pretending nothing has changed.
Iโm writing this because my dad said something tonight about opening up, and for once his advice didnโt annoy me. It lit the part of my chest that likes to tell the truth. Usually, I tell myself the truth in tiny, private scribbles. I tuck things away in notebooks and call it safety. But safe is starting to feel smaller than the way my thoughts about you try to grow.
So here it is: I like you. Not the kind of like thatโs polite and fits into a yearbook quote. The kind of like that rearranges the soundtrack in my head and makes dumb songs sound like they were written for mornings when youโre still asleep beside me. I like the way you laugh when someone says something stupid on the field. I like the way your that little pout you make when you miss your shot during your soccer practice. I like the scar on your thumb. I notice the ways you look at nothing and I wonder if youโre keeping a private joke with yourself.
I donโt expect anything. Iโm not asking you to change your life, and Iโm not asking you to break anything open to fit me inside. Iโm just telling you the shape of my heart as honestly as I can. If you look back and you donโt feel anything close, thatโs okay. Iโll make more pages. Iโll close my hands around the feeling and let it be pretty and lonely and mine.
If by some impossibility you feel even a fraction of this, if you ever want to talk in the quiet and not for show, Iโd like that. If you want to laugh and make terrible jokes and steal fries off my plate, Iโd like that too. If you want to touch me and find out how the rest of me holds together like how you do with Amyโwell. I want that too, but more than anything I want you to be honest with me the way Iโm trying to be honest with you now.
โ Y/n
You read it back and feel twelve whole things at once โ proud, mortified, relieved, as well as questioning your life decisions. You fold it carefully like it itโs an explosive and slide it into an envelope. You address it with your own hand: Zhao Yufan, his legal name. Under his name, you scribble the address you only learned after realizing he lives six houses down.ย You seal the flap, press it flat like a bandage, and set the envelope on your nightstand.
You think about putting it in the diary, or a secret drawer, or burning it in the tiny metal box you use to store old receipts, but something about the wholeย open upย thing makes you stubborn. This one you want to feel like it could be sent. So you tuck it under a small stack of textbooks on the nightstand, slide a pen across it like youโre filing it into safety, and tell yourself youโll shower, youโll calm down, youโll decide tomorrow whether you actually post it or not.
You strip and step into the shower, the hot water hitting your skin in a rhythm that slows the part of you that wants to panic. Steam climbs the glass and you lean your forehead against the wall and breathe. You imagine the envelope still on the nightstand where you left it, protected by the textbooks like a little fort.
You shampoo and rinse and think of nothing and everything and finally step out, towel-wrapped and lightheaded. You cross your room, expecting the envelope to be exactly where you left it. But you donโt see it.
You assume you put it somewhere elseโunder a different stack, in a drawer you forgot about, safe. That makes you breathe easier. You make a mental note to check after you put your hair up. Only thing is you donโt get the chance. As soon as you lay down on your bed, youโre fast asleep.
โ
Morning punches you in the face the moment your alarm shrieks. You bolt upright with that weird post-shower fog still clinging to your brain, and then the memory hits you like a shovel: The letter.
โShitโโ You stumble out of bed, hair a disaster, sleep shirt twisted around your waist as you lunge toward the nightstand.
Textbooks: check. Pen you left on top: check. Envelope? Not check. You flip the books. Nothing.ย Just kill me.
You yank open the drawer. Receipts, scrunchies, a rogue stick of gum. Ohโthereโs your favourite lip gloss you lost in eighth grade. No envelope.
You drop to your knees and check under the bed like the letter might be hiding out of spite. Nada.ย
โOkay, no. No no noโโ Your voice rises, scrapes, breaks. You tear through your desk. Under the lamp. Behind your laptop. In your laundry basket like youโre truly losing it.
Itโs gone.
You freeze so hard your breath forgets what itโs supposed to be doing. For a full five seconds you just stand there, staring at the nightstand like it personally betrayed you.
โY/N! Youโre gonna make Annie late!โ your dad yells from downstairs.
Jesus Christ. Of course the universe picksย todayย to make you a missing-letter fugitive.
You slap on makeup with the precision of a maniac, yank on loose jeans, absolutely forget deodorant, and sprint out the door with Annie trailing behind you.
Sheโs eating a Pop-Tart like nothing is wrong in the world. โCan you walk faster?โ you hiss.
โYou woke me up late,โ she mumbles around strawberry filling. โThis is your fault.โ
Sheโs not wrong, and it only makes you want to scream into a pillow. โActually, you could have set an alarm on your phone,โ you say defend yourself. โWhatโs the point of having a phone if you canโt put it to use?โ Annie rolls her eyes. The whole walk to her school, your brain is doing a full Olympic-level panic routine.
You drop Annie offโbarely hearing her byeโand then youโre speed-walking toward your school like your life depends on it. Which, honestly? It kind of does.
Inside the hallway, itโs the usual teenage circus. Lockers slamming. People laughing too loud. Someone aggressively spraying Axe body spray like theyโre trying to fumigate the building.
And then, you see him. James. Heโs leaning against his locker, talking to Jihoon and some really tall guy, hair falling over his forehead in that stupidly soft way that makes your chest squeeze. He wipes his bangs aside with his knuckles and you swear your soul leaves your body like youโre some Victorian child witnessing the beauty of art for the first time.ย
Your feet keep walking but your eyes stay glued to him as youโre now walking backwards somehowโhey, is it just you or did he bleach his hair blondish orange?
โOuch! Watch where youโre going.โ
Your shoulder ricochets off a wall of person, and a sharp, irritated gasp snaps you back to reality. โHi Amy.โ
Believe it or not, you and Amy were best of friends back in middle school until popularity took over her. Her brown wavy hair is perfectly glossy. Her skin is so flawless it looks like someone airbrushed her in real time. Sheโs applying a swipe of lip gloss with one hand and glaring at you like you just stepped on her dog with the other.
โOh, itโs just you,โ she snaps, pursing her lips as she caps the gloss. โSome of us actually care about how we look in the morning.โ
Heat floods your cheeks, crawling up your neck. You mutter, โSorry,โ but it comes out thin and squeakyโhumiliating.
Her eyes flick over you, slow and critical, before she glances past your shoulder toward Jamesโher whole expression softening instantly, like flipping a switch.
You try your hardest not to look. It would be very embarrassing to do so. But you do.
James is watching. Not glaring. Not smirking. Just watching with that unreadable, calm expression he always gets when heโs trying to figure something out. His friends are waving their hands in front of his face to catch his attention.ย
Your stomach drops to your toes. Because for one terrible, dizzy moment, you wonder if that letter got somewhere it shouldnโt. You swallow tightly.
This day is already hell. And itโs only 8:07 AM.ย
You donโt even get three steps down the hall before Bella materializes beside you like she teleported straight out of loyalty. Her ponytail bounces while her iced latte sloshes, eyebrows already raised. โI saw that, by the way,โ she says.
You groan into your hands. โPlease. Please, Bella. Donโt.โ Bella wiggles her brows. โYou full-on stared at him like he was Michelangeloโs David, and then youโwhat was that? Moonwalked into Amy?โ
โLetโs. Not. Talk about it.โ You want to crawl inside your hoodie and never come out. Bella laughs so hard she snorts. โOkay, fine. But holy crap, youโre lucky she didnโt claw your face off.โ
You donโt tell her about the letter. God, no. Bella is your ride-or-die, but even she doesnโt deserve to carry that radioactive emotional grenade.
The day crawls by at the pace of a wounded snail. Class, class, pretend to take notes, class. After school, you follow your usual routine: cut through the side field, slip past the bleachers, and make your quiet little trail toward the soccer field.
Itโs stupid. SO stupid. But watching the practices has always beenโฆ calming? Or maybe masochistic. Hard to tell. Theyโre already running drills. Cleats thudding. Shouts carrying.ย
And there he is, James, wearing the neon-pinnied version of perfection. Heโs quick. Controlled. Focused. The way his legs move is ridiculous. He spins the ball like itโs attached to him by secret magnets.
Usually Amyโs on the bleachers, cheering him on with her friends. But today there were no signs of her being no where near this field. Strange. You wonder where she is. That should make you feel relieved. It doesnโt.
For once, James isnโt playing like youโre invisible. Because suddenly, he sees you. Actually sees you. His brows knit. His chest rises, pauses. And before you can process whatโs happening, he jogs off the field. Then heโs running. Runningย toward you.
Panic detonates in your ribcage.
No. No no no noโ
He stops way too close. Close enough that you smell himโclean, sharp, expensive. Something like cedar and citrus and everything you absolutely should not like.
โHey,โ he says, breath still catching from the run. โY/n? Is that your name?โ You freeze. He rubs the back of his neck. Looks down for a second. Then back at you.
โI see you watching the games sometimes and I, uhโฆ got your note.โ
Your heart stops. Literally stops. If a doctor checked you right now, youโd be declared clinically dead. โI justโโ he swallows hard. Heโs awkward. Heโs never awkward. โI didnโt want you to think I was ignoring it.โ
Your mouth opens but nothing comes out. Not even a squeak. He shifts his weight, eyes flicking toward the field like he wishes someone would rescue him.
โListenโฆ I just got out of a breakup. Like. Recently.โ He laughs once, dry and not very funny. โAndโฆ I donโt even know you. So I canโtโit wouldnโt be fair. Or right. You know?โ
โThen get to know me.โย Thatโs what you want to say. Instead you nod slowly. Or maybe you physically malfunction. Hard to tell. He gives you this tiny, apologetic half-smile that somehow hurts worse than being stabbed.
โIโm sorry,โ he says quietly. And then he jogs back onto the field like he didnโt just smash your chest open with his bare hands. You stand there frozen long enough that a stray soccer ball rolls by your foot and you donโt even flinch.
James looks even better up close. And yeah he smells like something expensive. Something that makes your stomach twist. You were never supposed to know that. You swallow, throat tight. Itโs the start of the new school year and this day was- well... Youโre not sure thereโs even a word for it.
The next few days are awkward as hell.
You avoid his locker like itโs a landmine. You walk a little faster in the halls. How the hell did he get his hands on your letter in the first place? If your brain had a mute switch, you wouldโve used it. Bella notices and gives you the exact look that saysย tell me everythingwithout actually making you talk.
You donโt tell her anything. Not about the letter, and about how your stomach clenches when he passes.
One afternoon you cut across the field and freeze halfway, because there they are, the once infamous couple arguing in that tense whisper that looks loud from a distance. Amyโs hands are animated, her face flushed in that way people get when they think theyโre right and are also angry. James is calm but tight; his jaw works like heโs chewing on something heavy. You donโt hear words. You only see the body language: Amy stepping closer, James stepping back. The rest of the team keeps practicing around them like itโs normal to be emotionally shredded in the middle of drills. Maybe this happens a lot? Expect this time, theyโre arguing as exes, not as a couple.
Three days later, youโre sitting with Bella like every other lunch school-dayโsalad in front of you, two conversations happening at once. โHey,โ Bella starts, โyou think that I could fit three French fries up one nostril?โ
You barely get two fries into your mouth before a shadow falls over your lunch table. Bella freezes mid-sip of her iced latte. Her eyes go huge. โUmโฆ incoming.โ You turn slowly, like your neck is rusted, praying it isnโt who you think it is.ย
James. Hands in pockets. Hair slightly damp from gym. Looking like a walking problem. You could recognize his cologne from miles away.
โY/n,โ he says, voice low. โCan we talk?โ Bella nearly breaks her own neck nodding. You shoot her a warning look, but she just winks. Or tries to. It looks more like a seizure. You follow James out to the side courtyard, heart punching your ribs like itโs trying to escape. Did he see you eves dropping on him and Amyโs argument? Or even worseโhe somehow got a hold of that piece of paper you wrote a whole entire smut scene of you and him on.ย No. Thereโs no way thatโs possible. But the letter- shut up y/n.
Finally, he stops by a bench and shifts his body awkwardly. You brace yourself for whateverโs coming.
โOkay, soโฆ about what I said a few days ago.โ Deep breath. โI changed my mind,.โ
You blink. Not once. Not twice. About twelve times. โIโm sorryโwhat?โ He runs a hand through his hair, jaw tightening. โAmy found out I talked to you the other day.โ His eyes flicker to you. โAnd sheโsโฆ not handling it well.โ You say nothing. Your brain is buffering like bad Wi-Fi. โSo,โ he continues, โsheโs convinced Iโm into you. And sheโs trying to make me jealous by flirting with every guy in our grade. Which isโฆโ He grimaces. โAnnoying.โYouโre staring at him, blank-faced, because what else are you supposed to do? โSo if she thinks you and I are together,โ he finally says, โsheโll calm down. And maybe sheโll want to get back together. Itโs justโฆ easier this way.โ
Ah. There it is.
Itโs not because he suddenly sees you. Itโs not because your face lives rent-free in his mind the way his does in yours. Itโs because youโre convenient and somehow read the stupid love letter you were going to keep to yourself and through away after a few days.ย
You swallow, throat scraping. โSo you want me to pretend to be your girlfriendโฆ so your get back together?โ He nods, relieved you understand. โYeah. Exactly.โ
You take your time thinkingโway longer than necessary, honestly. But youโre not stupid. Fake dating James? James, whose face makes your brain glitch? James, who already thinks you confessed some weird crush? Why the hell wouldnโt you?
โFine,โ you say eventually. โIโll do it.โ His whole body loosens like heโs been holding tension since August. โThank you. Seriously. Okay, uhโฆ we should follow each other on Instagram.โ
Shit.ย
He pulls his phone out. You do the sameโhesitantly. โItโs @y_notn?โ He repeats, typing the username into Instagram, then clicking onto your page. You see his lips form a smirk. โYouโre already following me I see.โ You cheeks match the color of his shoes.
He types fast. โIโll tag you in my bio. You can tag me in yours too.โ Your pulse jumps but you nod in agreement anyways.
He pockets his phone again. โMeet me after practice today. Same field as always.โ He gives you a small smile thatโs entirely too soft to be legal. โI assume you know what time that is.โ Like you havenโt literally watched every practice heโs had since school started.
You nod, trying not to implode. โYeah. I know.โ
โCool.โ He steps back, gives you a once-over that feels like a warm hand on your spine. โSee you then, Y/n.โ When he walks away, you realize youโre not breathing. Youโre not sure youโll ever breathe normally again.
Bella ambushes you before you even sit down. Sheโs practically vibrating with questions, textbooks forgotten in her hand.
โSo spill. What did you two even talk about? Why is he talking to you when he has aโwhat is sheโAmy? What the freak is going on?โ Her eyes are all sharp curiosity and that ridiculous, fierce-protective thing only best friends get. You do the only mature thing you can think of: play it cool. โItโs nothing,โ you say, which is still a lie and also technically not. You havenโt explained anything to anyone, not even to yourself.
Bella doesnโt buy it for one second. โNothing? Y/n. Youโve been crushing on that guy ever since Iโve known you. Do you know how dramatic that was? Spill.โ
You fold your fork over your lips. โHe said some stuff. Nothing huge.โ You focus on making your voice flat, unimpressed, as though your heart didnโt vault into your throat and refuse to come down two hours ago. She leans in until her face invades your space. โDid heโฆ break up with Amy?โ
You stare at her. The question feels like a live wire. โYeah,โ you say before you can stop it. โTheyโhe said they broke up.โ
Bellaโs jaw drops so hard youโd think she swallowed a stone. โAnd you didnโt tell me? Am I not your best friend anymore or what?โ She half-pleads, half-accuses. You laugh because panic tastes weird and small. โI didnโt know until this week, B. Chill. I didnโt tell you because I didnโt want you to be the person who screams and jumps on him or whatever you do when youโre extremely dramatic.โ
She pouts, not actually mad. โWaitโso was he talking to you because he likes you or something and wants to move from Amy?โ
It takes you a moment to respond. โItโsโฆ complicated,โ you say, and she deflates into a theatrical sigh. โIโll keep you updated for sure.โ
Later, after classes pretend to move slower than molasses. You go to the side courtyard like you promised. Heโs there early, hands in pockets, looking like he walked out of a billboard and then stole your ability to breathe. He waves you over like heโs practiced casualness in a mirror.
โSo,โ he says, hands folded like heโs bracing for feedback as you two settle down on a nearby bench. โAbout us.โ
You swallow. โAbout us.โ Something you thought youโd never hear come out of his mouth, This is ridiculous. Then you remind yourself why youโre here in the first place.
He exhales. โI should makeโuhโparameters. Boundaries. Whatever you want to call them..โ He looks earnest. Which is both disarming and scalding.
โOkay,โ you say. โNo kissing. Noโฆ anything farther.โ You say it like youโre filing a restraining order against your hormones. Your cheeks heat up right after you say it, like youโve exposed your soul in public.
He gives you a genuinely confused look. โWhatโs so wrong with kissing?โ You look at him and feel stupid and stubborn and painfully sincere. โI want my first kiss to mean something. I donโt want my first kiss to be a prop in someoneโs plan. I want it to be because ofโฆ feelings. Real ones.โ
He studies your face. For a second you think heโs scoffing. Instead he looks surprised, like he expected something else out of you entirely. โSo youโre saying youโve never kissed anyone? You donโt seem like a first-kiss kind of person,โ he says, like itโs an observation, not an accusation.
You donโt know if thatโs supposed to be a compliment. โIโm not,โ you say. โI justโฆ want one that matters.โ
He nods slowly, and shockingly, he takes it in. โOkay. No kissing,โ he repeats. โNo making out. Noโanything. Got it. I was looking forward to that part though.โ That last sentence makes you look up immediately. He lets out a โoh look at you, you feel for it,โ laugh. Of course he didnโt mean it.
โAnd pet names? Like, are we team โbabeโ or are we staying sane?โ
You sigh. โPet names are allowed but No PDA that crosses boundaries. Hand-holding okay. Quick pecks on the cheekโfine, but only if itโs not humiliatingly dramatic in front of Amy.โ
He snorts at that, and for a moment the tension loosens. โDates?โ he asks. James going on a date with you? You want to poke yourself to make sure this isnโt all just a dream.
โSure.โ
You actually grin, and it feels like a defect in your usual composure. This is insane. Youโre literally negotiating love like itโs a group project. He hesitates, then asks, โCan Iโuhโpick you up to school? Like, to drive you? Make things lookโฆ convincing.โ
Your brain short-circuits. โI walk my younger sister to school,โ you say. โSo no.โ He brightens, thinking on his feet. โI can drive her too. Drop them both off. Make it seem legit.โ
You gape. โYouโd drive my twelve-year-old sister to school?โ He shrugs like itโs nothing. โYeah. Less awkward than you explaining a fake boyfriend every morning.โ
โWow,โ you say, simultaneously mortified and oddly touched. โThatโsโฆ actually kind. Okay, maybe.โ
โAndโif you wantโI can drive you home now,โ he adds. โMake it easier. Practical.โ You almost laugh because this feels exactly like a dream for someone else and not like your actual life. But then you see his eyes dartโjust for half a beatโtoward the tree line at the edge of the parking lot. Amy.ย
He looks back at you and, without missing a beat, pulls you closer. His hand rests on the small of your back, which feels equal parts possessive and protective. His other hand ghosts over your arm, fingers light, claiming. โSmile,โ he whispers into your ear, breath hot and soft and ridiculous.
His hands wander like theyโre memorizing the geography of youโover your shoulder, along your ribsโnothing obscene, just bordering on intimate enough to make your teeth ache.
โCome on, baby. Letโs get you home.โ He makes sure to emphasize on the baby part so itโs loud enough for Amy to hear. The pet name lands heavy in your chest.
He slides his fingers into yours and leads you toward the parking lot. Your sneakers scuff the concrete. Maybe the letter getting sent out wasnโt as bad after all. But then you remember this is all an act. James doesnโt actually like you. And once heโs back with Amy? You donโt even want to think about it.
You find the car before you recognize it. Low, polished, the kind of car that hums quietly like it was born rich. Leather seats. Chrome that catches sunlight like itโs showing off. You knew he was from money, but youโd never actually seen it up close like this.
He opens the passenger door for you with a theatrical little bow that somehow feels oddly considerate. โHop in,โ he says, and for a second the world narrows to leather and the faint plastic smell of air freshener and the rapid, stupid beating of your heart.
You climb in, and as the engine starts, you wonder which part of your life is a fever dream and which part, if any, is real.
James pulls up in front of your house like heโs done this a hundred times, like this is just routine for him now. The car quiets, he taps the steering wheel once, and turns toward you.
โThanks for driving me,โ you say, suddenly shy for no reason except heโs looking at you like that. You try to keep your smile contained, but it still slips out, tiny and embarrassing.
He catches it immediately. โCute,โ he says under his breath, like he didnโt mean to say it out loud. He clears his throat, hoping you didnโt hear him slip.ย
โSo this is where y/n lives? Didnโt know you lived a couple houses down from me.โ You smile and reach for the door handle, trying to act like a normal functioning human being, when he stops you with a soft, โY/nโwait.โ
You blink at him. โYes?โ He holds up his phone. โCan I take a picture of us holding hands? For my Insta so Amy can see.โ You swear you felt something real between you two until he snapped you back to reality. โLikeโฆ right now?โ
โYeah.โ He extends his hand, palm up, waiting. โCโmon.โ
You place your hand in his because what else are you supposed to do? Say no? Die? Teleport? His fingers lace through yours, warm and soft, and your whole bloodstream turns into electricity. You feel your body heat up. This is your first ever physical contact with him.
He lifts his phone with the other hand and pulls your joined hands closer to the console where the lighting is better. Of course he knows his angles; heโs literally James.
โLook at me,โ he murmurs. You do. He snaps the picture the moment you meet his eyes, like he wants you in the frame even if youโre only visible in the reflection of the screen.ย
After the photo is taken, he stares at it for a quick second. Call yourself delusional but you swear you saw him holding back his smile. After tagging you, he uploads it instantly. Your heart legitimately forgets how to beat.
โGreat,โ he says, dropping your hand slowly, almost reluctantly. โText me when youโre inside.โ
โS-sure,โ you mutter, stumbling over your own voice like a clown. You climb out of the car. He waits until youโre at the porch before he pulls away, tires rolling smooth and silent like he didnโt just flip your entire life upside down.
You walk in, still clutching the warmth of his hand like an idiot whoโs never known happiness before. Your dad glances up from the kitchen, eyes narrowing with that suspicious dad-squint. โSomeoneโs smiling.โ You almost choke. โIโm notโIโm literallyโI wasnโtโโ
He laughs. โAlright, alright. Iโm not interrogating you. Howโd you get home so fast?โ
Panic rushes through your veins. โUh. Bellaโs brother drove us. We were going the same way.โ
Lie. Instant lie. Horrible lie. Bella doesnโt even have a brother. You want to fistfight yourself.
โHuh,โ your dad says, not looking convinced but not digging either. โAlright, wellโoh! Before I forget.โ He stands, wipes his hands on a dish towel, and smiles like heโs about to tell you something wholesome. Instead he says the single worst sentence youโve heard in your entire life. โI forgot to tell you this but I saw that letter on your desk last week and helped mail it for you, honey.โ Your stomach hits the floor. You swear your vision goes white around the edges.
โWhatโwhat letter?โ You hear your own voice crack like a broken flute.
โThe envelope under those textbooks on your desk thst was addressed to one of our neighbours? I figured itโd save you and I less time because I was stopping by the post office anyways,โ He beams, proud of himself.
You cannot breathe. Soย thatโs how James got your note. The letter that was literally your unhinged, handwritten, half-fantasy confession about James. The one you should have burned. โThanks,โ you whisper, voice tiny and hoarse.ย
You bolt up the stairs the second youโre free, close your bedroom door with the gentlest click ever because of course tonight is the night you suddenly care about door volume, and justโฆ collapse. Face-first into your bed. You donโt even bother turning the lights on.
Your body is still buzzing, like Jamesโs handprint is burned into your skin. Your heart keeps replaying the whole car scene at 8K resolution, IMAX, Dolby Atmos, every upgrade possible.
James and Amy? Over. James talking to you? Actually real. Jamesย fake dating you? Also real. You? Completely malfunctioning.
You roll onto your back and stare at the ceiling like it personally betrayed you. Because the thing is, itโs fake. He asked for to take the picture for Amy, not because he wanted it for himself. Heโs James. He dates girls who look like they stepped out of a perfume commercial. You literally tripped over air in homeroom last week.
Stillโฆ your chest squeezes around this tiny, dangerous wish. You wish it wasnโt fake, how he meant the way he looked at you in the car, and the warmth in his hand wasnโt just acting. But whatever. Thatโs not your life. Guys like him donโt like girls like you. You know that. Youโve always known that.
Next morning starts off painfully normal, which is honestly rude given the way last night cracked your brain open. You drag yourself out of bed, brush your teeth while half-asleep, pull on a hoodie that still smells vaguely like laundry detergent and despair, and braid Annieโs hair while she wiggles like a caffeinated squirrel.
โHold still,โ you mutter, trying to tame the last strand. โIย amย holding still,โ she says, not holding still. You finally get her ready, grab your bag, and step out of the building with her hand in yours. Itโs quiet outside, cool enough to wake you up a little. The walk to her school is familiar, easy, predictable.
Your brain needs predictable right now. Youโre three blocks down before a car honk breaks the morning calmโone sharp, deliberate beep.
You and Annie both turn at the same time.
Jamesโs car is parked at the curb. Leaning slightly toward the window, one hand on the wheel, raising his eyebrows in a โReally? You forgot?โ kind of way.
โOh shit,โ you whisper. Annie gasps dramatically and sprints toward the car like sheโs starring in her own movie. โDid you just say a bad word?โ she calls out over her shoulder. โAlso whoโs that?โ
โMyโฆ uhโฆโ You have nothing. No explanation. Just panic. โJustโwaitโAnnie!โ But sheโs already yanking open the passenger door. โDid you forget about stranger danger?!โ
โHiiiiii!โ she beams at him. James grins back, all sunshine and dimples. โGood morning.โ He looks cute when he smiles.ย ย You stumble up behind her, cheeks burning. โSorryโshe justโuhโโ
โItโs fine,โ he says. โSheโs cute.โ
Annie giggles like he handed her a scholarship. โMy sister thinks cute! Her face literally turned red when sheโโ You quickly slap your palm on top of her mouth, nearly choke on your own tongue. โAnnie! You canโt justโsay thingsโ!โ
James laughs. โI can see that.โย Fuck you. He nods toward the backseat. โYou riding or walking?โ Right. The wholeย fake datingย thing. You climb in, mumbling, โI totally forgot you were picking us up.โ
He shoots you a look in the rearview. Teasing. โKind of figured.โ Annie, meanwhile, is already telling him her entire life story. โSo my sister woke me up late again, and Y/N didnโt let me have candy in the morning, so can you convince her tโโ
โAnnie,โ you hiss, โpersonal space!โ James glances at you, amused. โYour sisterโs very bubbly.โ
โYeah,โ you sigh. โRuns in the family.โ He raises an eyebrow. โReally? Havenโt noticed much of that in you.โ You look out the window so he canโt see your face fall and combust at the same time. โWellโฆ it takes me a while to open up.โ
Thereโs a beat of silenceโsoft, not awkward. Then, quietly, he says, โI donโt mind that. Your breath trips.ย ย Annie thankfully interrupts you before your brain melts. โAre you Y/Nโs boyfriend?โ You and James say entirely different things at the exact same time.
You: โNOโno no noโheโs notโdonโtโโ James: โSomething like that.โ
You whip your head toward him so fast your neck protests. โWhat?!โ He smirks. โRelax. Just keeping the story consistent.โ โThatโs not consistent, thatโsโ thatโsโโ
โConvincing,โ he finishes, winking. You swear your pulse jumps like itโs trying to break out of your body. By the time he pulls into the school parking lot, your nerves are shredded.
โWait.โ His voice stops you again. You freeze halfway out. He gets out too. Walks around the car. And then extends his hand. Palm up, a silver ring on his index finger.ย
โCome on,โ he says. โTheyโre already staring.โ Your stomach drops to your knees. You place your hand in his, because apparently youโve lost all brain function. His fingers lace through yours. Firm. Warm. Familiar already in a terrifying way. You wonder what if he uses hand creamโand if so, what kind?
You walk side by side, hands joined, through the courtyard. Every. Single. Person. Looks. Someone literally whispers, โAre you kidding me?โ as you pass. Another girl stares like you committed a war crime. You try to keep your face blank, but your heart is doing parkour. Even his friends look at him weird. James leans toward you just slightly. โYou good?โ
โIโmโfine,โ you lie. He squeezes your hand. A tiny squeeze. You nearly short-circuit. Then you turn down the hall. And there she is. Perfect hair. Perfect face. Perfect everything. Leaning against her locker with her friends, scrolling through her phoneโAmy.
Until she seesย you and James. Her entire expression freezesโthen sharpens. Expression goes from neutral to knives-out in half a second.
It hits you so hard your stomach does a full gymnastics routine. You instantly look away, like youโre gonna be burned alive if you make eye contact for more than a microsecond. James actually glances. Quick, sharp, assessingโlike heโs checking if she saw. And apparently she did, because he gives the smallest nod to himself and keeps walking.
Your palm is sweating in his, which is honestly humiliating, but he doesnโt comment. Doesnโt squeeze or slow down or look at you twice. Heโs just walking. Playing the part. Cool. Unbothered. Like this is all just logistics. People are still staring, whispering, straight-up gawking as you pass.ย ย You keep your face forward. Try not to shrinkโฆ or die. All three are failing.
When you reach his locker, he drops your hand casually like heโs turning off a light switch. He spins his combo, grabs a book, and says, completely normal, โI saw her staring.โ
Your heart is still in your throat. โItโs progress, I guess.โ He nods once, satisfied. โThink itโs working.โ
James doesnโt look at you againโjust shuts his locker with a quickย clackย and tosses his bag over his shoulder like he didnโt just nuke your nervous system in the hallway.
โSee you later,โ he says, already turning away. And youโre left standing there, trying not to look like youโre about to dissolve into mist.
The rest of the week doesnโt calm down โ it just mutates into this weird fever dream where James keeps doing things that make your brain short-circuit.
Like Wednesday morning, when youโre trying to open your locker and the stupid thing jams for the eighth day in a row. You mutter under your breath, โI hate this place,โ and kick the bottom corner. Out of nowhere, James appears behind you, lean and warm and annoyingly tall.
โMove,โ he says, voice low like heโs about to break into a safe.
โIโve tried that,โ you snap, not even looking up. โIt doesnโtโโ He slams his palm against the top left edge with one clean, confident hit. The locker pops open like itโs scared of him. Hot. โAre youโwhat? Howโ?!โ
He shrugs, smirking. โYouโre welcome.โ
You roll your eyes way too dramatically, but youโre pretty sure your soul floats out the back of your head when he taps the top of your hair and says, โIโll be here if you need help with anything else.โ
You stare after him like a malfunctioning Roomba as he walks off.
Then thereโs Thursday, when youโre walking through the courtyard with James and trip over absolutely nothing. Like, genuinely nothing. A single leaf. A shadow. Air. You go stumbling forward like a newborn deer. Before you can fall, James catches the back of your hoodie and pulls you upright by the hood like youโre a cat being relocated.
โI swear to God,โ you wheeze, face on absolute fire, โthe groundย attackedย me.โ
โYeah,โ he deadpans, โthe ground looked really hostile.โ
You shove his shoulder because you canโt come up with a good comeback and also because youโre mortified. He lets out a quiet chuckle and it unlocks something sweet and dangerous in your chest.
Next itโs Friday morning. You and Annie are waiting for him outside, and your sister is bouncing around talking about how she wants to get a hamster named Bean. James comes out of the car, leans over the passenger seat, and gives Annie an exaggerated thumbs-up.
โBeanโs a great name,โ he says, like heโs taking her dead seriously. โVery strong. Very intimidating.โ
Annie giggles like sheโs met a celebrity. You can tell that your sister likes him a lot. Too bad it might all end soon. Youโre standing there blinking because why is he being sweet when no one is watching? Thereโs no audience at 7:53 AM on a suburban sidewalk. No reason to impress anybody. He looks at you for a beat too long. โWhat?โ you say, defensive because your nervous system is fried.
โNothing,โ he says, that tiny smile tugging at one corner.ย
Later that same day, youโre at his soccer practice again, this time on mandatory fake-girlfriend attendance, apparently, but this time you donโt sit on the bleachers. Youโre late, so you stand awkwardly by the fence, hugging your bag.ย
James sees you. Mid-scrimmage. Heโs literally making it past two guys and still looks over like youโre a lens flare he enjoys catching. Amyโs on the far side of the field glaring daggers, and thatโs probably why he does it, why he pushes a bit harder. For some reason, she started showing up again.ย
But then he smirks. And itโs not aimed at Amy. He jogs up after scoring, out of breath, flushed, hair sticking to his forehead. The kind of sweaty that shouldnโt be attractive but absolutely is.
Before you know it, his practice ends, the sunโs low, and the field looks like itโs glowing. Youโre standing by the fence scrolling your phone, pretending youโre not waiting for him even though obviously you are.
They scrimmage one more play. James gets the ball. The field actuallyย erupts. He slips past two defenders, cuts left, shootsโGoal. The boys yell and explode like he just cured cancer. And then he does something so stupidly cinematic you almost faint: He runs straight toward you. Like youโre his checkpoint.
He stops right by the fence, cheeks flushed, chest heaving, jersey sticking to him โ black and green, drenched in sweat, clinging to every muscle that should not legally exist on an 20-year-old.
โDid you see that?โ he breathes out, grinning like heโs half-drunk on adrenaline.
โIโI meanโyeah,โ you say, but it comes out more like a squeak because you are absolutely staring. His hair is plastered to his forehead, his neck glistening, jaw sharp enough to slice your willpower in half. He smirks when he notices.
โWhyโre you looking at me like that?โ he teases, voice low. You immediately snap your eyes away. โI wasnโtโlooking. I wasโblinking.โ
โI didnโt know blinking took that long,โ he murmurs, leaning a little closer to the fence. You nearly dissolve into the grass.
By the time he drops you off, your brain is a puddle. He taps the steering wheel, looks at you with that same unreadable-soft expression youโre starting to recognize. โSame time tomorrow?โย
Before you could answer, your dad comes out on the porch at theย worst possible moment, holding a mug and squinting into the driveway. โIs that the handsome guy Annie keeps talking about?โ
Why oh why. โWhaโdadโIโnoโ?โ James, traitor that he is, just smiles and waves like this is a barbecue and not the crumbling of your sanity. โYes I am!โ
Your dad lights up. โWell! Why donโt you stay for dinner?โ You see James glance at you like heโs asking for permissionโlike youโre the deciding vote before he says, โSure. If thatโs okay.โ Okay?? Youโre already having an out-of-body experience. Inside, Annie is THRIVING. She pats the couch between her and James like sheโs the host of a reality show. You sit, fully preparing to be normal. You fail immediately.
Halfway through the movie, James shifts closerโcasual, smooth, evilโand drapes an arm behind you on the couch, feeling himself at your home. Not even touching you yet, justโฆ there. Warm. Heavy. Loud in your peripheral vision. Your heart is trying to escape your ribcage with a crowbar.
Then, out ofย nowhere, he reaches over and slides the scrunchie out of your ponytail. Slow. Deliberate. Like heโs unwrapping a present. Your hair falls down your shoulders and you swear the air temperature spikes 40 degrees.
โLooks better like this,โ he murmurs, barely audible over the TV.
Youโre going to combust. Annie is too invested in the movie to notice you dying.
He loops it around his wrist, then pulling out his phone to check something. You assume heโs going to post something on his Instagram for Amy to see, but he checks the time instead. Strange
Your dad comes in once to ask if you all want snacks. James answers politely. You stare at the wall like youโre seeing God. He grabs a piece and feeds it to you. Evenย morestrange.
Eventually it gets late, and he stands, gives Annie a little salute, thanks your dad for the evening, and looks at you with this unreadable softness that makes your stomach flip.
โSee you tomorrow,โ he says.
โ
The night air is cold enough to bite, but he doesnโt feel it. His whole skin is still warm from your house, your couch, your hair brushing his shoulder.ย
As he hopped into the car, shouldnโt be thinking about that. It wasnโt supposed to feel like that. Getting out, he walks up his front steps, keys halfway out of his pocket, when he freezes.
Amy is sitting on his porch. Arms crossed. Eyes sharp. Wearing that perfume he likes.
โJames,โ she says, chin tilted, voice honeyed she knows works on most people.
He exhales, slow. โAmy. What are you doing here?โ
She stands up, taking a step closer. โI wanted to talk. We havenโt reallyโyโknowโprocessed everything. And Iโฆโ She lets the sentence trail off, fingers brushing his arm like muscle memory. โI miss you. We were good together.โ
He should want this. He knows that. This was the whole point, wasnโt it? Proving he could move on, making her jealous, getting her to come back.
โWe were,โ he says quietly. It comes out flat. Even he hears it.
Amy leans in, confidence flickering back. โI meanโฆ moving on to someone like her?โ She smirks. โConvincing. Iโll give you that.โ
He doesnโt say anything. She slides her hand down his arm like sheโs done it a thousand times โ because she has. Her voice drops. โYou couldโve just talked to me, James. You didnโt have to pretend.โ
Her eyes glint. She steps closer again, enough that her breath hits his collarbone. โWhat do you say? Are you up for a redo?โ Amy reaches for his wrist, then stops at a certain spot.
โOh.โ Her voice shifts โ sweet turning sour. โWhatโs this?โ Her fingers brush the scrunchie.ย Yourย scrunchie. Still warm from your hair. She looks up at him, eyebrows lifted like sheโs caught him with a crime weapon.
โIs that Y/nโs?โ she asks, sickly sweet. His voice is small, quieter than he expects. โIt is.โ
Amy lets out a low, humorless laugh. โWow. Youโre really committing to the bit.โ He doesnโt correct her.
She slips it off his wrist and ties her hair with it, steps back, arms folding. โWell,โ she says, lips curling, โIโll see you at school tomorrow, James.โ
She walks away without waiting for an answer. Her perfume lingers. But his wrist feels heavier than everything she tried to imply. He stands there a long time after sheโs gone. And the scrunchie stays exactly where it is.
โ
James picks you up like nothing happened, acting like he didnโt stand on his porch last night looking existential with your scrunchie on his wrist while his ex tried to crawl back into his life.
โMorning,โ he says, voice warm, as you hop into the car.ย
โGood Morning.โ
He glances over, tapping the steering wheel. โTired?โ You scratch your neck, letting out a soft groan. โNot at all.โ
He actually laughs under his breath. โLiar.โ Ugh. Of course he knows.
He drives for a bit, a comfortable quiet settling between you โ or, wellโฆ almost comfortable. Then he says it. Soft. Almost shy. โI really like spending time with you.โ
You freeze. Brain: 404 error. โWhy?โ you say before your filter can save you. He looks over. โWhy not?โ
โNo, likeโโ you wave a hand, โyou donโt have to do the wholeโฆ nice boyfriend act right now. No oneโs looking.โย
His brows pull together, confused, just a tiny bit hurt. โI know.โ Itโs nothing. Itโs everything. You donโt know what to do with it, so you shove it into the mental junk drawer and slam it shut.
โ
After your second class, Bella picks you up and you two walk to your lockers, minding your own business, when Amy appears like a horror movie jump scare, leaning against the lockers, arms crossed, eyes on you like target practice.
โYou know James doesnโt actually like you?โ She says sweetly.
Itโs not like you didnโt know that. The thing going on between James and you is all for show. Bella stiffens beside you. You close your locker and keep walking.ย
Amy clicks her tongue. โY/nโyou forgot something.โ
You turn just in time to see her toss your scrunchie. It hits the floor at your feet like a punchline. Bellaโs eyes go HUGE. โUm. Whatโ?โ
โIโll explain later,โ you mutter, scooping it up with fingers that are absolutely trembling.
You donโt go to his practice after that. Screw that. Screw all of it. You go home, burrow under your blanket, and try to convince yourself you donโt care even though you obviously care so much it feels like a bruise.
Around six, thereโs a knock downstairs.ย Please donโt tell me itโs who I think it is.
You hear your dad open the door.
โOh! Hi James!โ
โIs Y/n home?โ he asks, and his voice is nervous.ย Nervous? Since when does James get nervous? โYes, sheโs upstairs in her room, doing whatever you teenagers do.โ
โCan Iโ uhโ can I talk to her?โ
โโฆSure, come in.โ
You want to sink into the floorboards. Your dad calls up the stairs, โY/n! James is here!โ
Yeah, you heard.
A moment later, thereโs a soft knock on your door. โCan I come in?โ You donโt answer, and quickly pull the cover over you. He opens just enough to peek inside. โHey.โ You sit up, knees tucked to your chest. โHiโ
He steps inside, closes the door behind him, runs a hand through his hair like heโs trying to hit CTRL+ALT+DEL on his own life. โWhy didnโt you show up to my game? You always show up.โย
You look at him for a long second, then ask the question thatโs been chewing through your ribs all day.
โDid youโฆ meet up with Amy last night? And then give her my favourite scrunchie?โย
His head snaps up fast. โNo.โ
โNo?โ
โI meanโyesย andย no. Itโs not what you think.โ
You raise an eyebrow. โThen what happened?โ
He sighs, shoulders dropping. โShe just spawned in front of my house as I was driving home. I never asked her to comeโ Your chest tightens, but you keep your voice steady. โRight. And when she took my scrunchieโฆ you just let her take it?โ He flinches a little โ just barely, but you see it.
โYeah, thatโs my bad,โ he says quietly. โBut hey, at least you got it back.โ
You stay quiet, jaw set as you look down at the scrunchie on your wrist.
โAnd itโs not a big deal,โ he adds quickly. โItโs just a scrunchie y/n.โ He stops himself. โWell โ not just a scrunchie. Yours.โ Your lungs betray you with a small inhale. He moves a little closer, hands in his pockets. โIโm sorry,โ he says softly. โReally. Andโฆ I wanna make it up to you.โ
You tilt your head โHow?โ And because heโs him โ chaotic, dramatic, inexplicably confident โ he smiles.
โYou heard of โSki Slopes Nation?โ The ski trip party my friend hosts every year. Itโs, uh, kinda big. And really fun. I want you to come with me.โ
You look down at yojr hands, unsure what to say. Strange, wouldnโt he have asked Amy? โJames, I donโt even know anyone there.โ
โOkay,โ he says, shrugging, taking one small step closer. โSo what? Youโll know me.โ
โThatโs not enough. Youโll be distracted by you know who.โ
He sighs, walking towards your bed as he puts his finger under your chin, turning your head to face him. He tilts his head, smirk creeping back. โYouโre the only distraction I need.โ
Your stomach flips so hard you have to look away again. How can he say this when he doesnโt even like you?
โThink about it,โ he murmurs. He reaches for the doorknob, pauses, glances back at you with that soft half-smile. โAnd for the record, Iโll buy you snacks for the whole time weโre there.โ
Then he leaves you alone with your heartbeat trying to set a new world record.
โWaitโฆ it wasย fake?!โ Bellaโs voice is a cartoon of betrayalโhalf screech, half wounded martyr. Youโre sitting across from her at your usual greasy-spoon table, regretting your life decisions, and sheโs dramatically clutching her phone like youโve personally stolen her childhood.
โI thought he actually liked you,โ she adds, scandalized. โI mean, everything! His stories, the way he looked at youโGod, I practically had a panic attack of joy.โ
You shrug, because what else do you do when your life is embarrassing and baffling at the same time. โIt was the plan. To make Amy jealous. To get her to get back with James.โ
Bella pokes your forehead with the end of a fry. โSo you were a pawn? That is actually a geniuโhorrible!โ
You let out a sigh and then tell her about the ski thingโJamesโs invitation that felt suspiciously like a peace offering. Bella immediately goes into PR mode.
โWhy arenโt you going?โ she asks, all business now. โThis could be huge. Honestly, go. Iโll totally come with you if thatโll change your mind.โ
You almost say no. You almost say yes. You do say, finally, โOkay, but you cannot leave my side for once.โ
She claps and picks up your phone from the table. โText him now.โ She demands while handing you her phone. Slowly, you unlock your phone and type in: โOk, Ski Slopes Nation it is.โ Sent.
Weekend flies. Saturday morning, you stand by the curb, heels tapping like a metronome, expecting Bellaโs overzealous face any second. Typical you overpacked for a three night trip. James pulls up right on time, engine purring luxury. You get in. You do a full inventory of your nerves.
Ten minutes later you notice Bellaโs text: one-line replies.ย
Bella:ย Sorry guys, mom lowkey got mad because I fumbled my test ๐. Maybe next time?
You stare at the message like it physically hurt. She didnโt tell you before. This was her plan all along for you to go to the Ski Slopes Event alone with James. She was never going to come.
You turn to James, ready to explode with โwhere is she?โ but the words scramble and bail right out of you. Your hand goes for the door handle. Youโre doing the awkward petty-exit thing when he reaches over, still driving, and grabs your wrist gently.
โWait,โ he says. His voice is small, not demanding, justโฆearnest. โPlease. Donโt go.โ
You stare at his hand on yours. Your knee-jerk plan is to get out and walk, to reclaim dignity off the side of the highway, but the highway is suddenly very far away and his palm is somehow steadying.
โWhy?โ you ask, because why not make him explain himself.
He pulls into the next parking spot, kills the engine, and turns fully to you like itโs the thing heโs meant to do all day. The car becomes its own little island of breath.
โI wanted you to come,โ he says, simple and flat, like itโs obvious and heโs been dying to say it. โNot because of Amy. Not to make her jealous. Iโฆ I actually like doing this with you. I like spending time with you.โ
Your brain files that under โunreliable informationโ and simultaneously under โthis actually matters.โ You blink. โButโwasnโt this whole thing supposed to get Amy back?โ
He hesitates, then answers honestly, the way people answer when the truth is awkward but necessary. โYes that was the plan. At first. But I donโt know if I want to go back to that. I donโt know if I ever did. And the more time I spend with youโnot pretendingโitโs not the same. Youโve made me felt something no one else has ever made me feel. But what I know is that I like you. A lot.โ
You roll your eyes because dramatic vulnerability is embarrassing even when itโs kind of endearing. And your body heats up. Your cheeks are probably tomato colored, but you try staying nonchalant. โSo what, you just switched teams mid-game?โ
He gives you one of those looks thatโs half apology, half dare. โSort of. Do youโฆ do you wanna keep doing this? Not for Amy. For us. Keep thisโwhateverย thisย isโgoing?โ
You inhale, exhale, try to be sensible. โYou know how this looks,โ you say. โWelp, the love letter sure worked outโjust now how I expected.โ
He smiles, small and stubborn. โIt sure did.โ
You canโt help the laugh that escapesโpart incredulous, part hopeful. You tuck your hand back into yours under the dash. โFine,โ you say, because why be brave when you can be cautiously stupid instead. โBut Iโm watching you. One misstep and I will glare you into ashes.โ
โDeal,โ he says, a grin tugging at his lips thatโs half triumphant, half relieved. โAlso, Iโm getting your scrunchie back. Properly next time.โ
You look out at the highway ahead, and despite the chaos, despite the lying and the staging and the way your life currently reads like a badly edited montage, thereโs a tiny part of you that answers before your brain can veto it.
โOkay,โ you whisper. โLetโs keep doing thisโcarefully.โ
He squeezes your hand. The car pulls back onto the road, and the rest of the world sounds like muffled static for a second, just you and the hum of the engine and the very complicated possibility of something messy and real.
โAre you sure you have snow tires on?โ You double check as more snow comes down while you guys drive up the mountain. The atmosphere in the car was not quiet, but soft. Not awkward anymore, not tense, just this gentle humming between you twoโlike the car has its own heartbeat now and it somehow synced to yours. James lets out a low chuckle, reaching for your hand, giving it a tight squeeze.ย
โIโm sure y/n.โ The way he spoke your name was so attractive yet reassuring. Snow lines the trees like powdered sugar and the sky is a blue so obnoxiously pretty it looks edited. James keeps flicking quick glances at you like heโs checking if youโre still real. Youโre still trying to get over the fact that youโre seated in Jameโs car that actually has feelings for you.
When he parks outside the lodge, you hop out and the cold instantly punches your lungs. He grabs the bags before you can even protest because heโs a show-off with biceps, apparently. Inside, the place is gorgeousโwarm lights, crackling fireplaces, couples everywhere wearing matching sweaters like theyโre in a Pinterest board.
James leads you down a hallway lined with wooden doors and stops at one. Unlocks it, then opens the door. You follow him in. And freeze.
There are multiple reasons why you freeze. First and most obvious reason, the scenery. You knew James and his friends were filthy rich, but this is on a next level. The place was small, but it felt so cozy and expensive at the same time. Second reason, the bed. Notice how itโs bed and not beds plural?ย
โโฆHold on,โ you say, voice thin. โWhereโsโuhโthe other bed?โ There is one bed. One. Big, yes. Fluffy, absolutely. But still ONE BED.
James glances at it like itโs the weather. โOh. Yeah. They ran out of doubles.โ He looks at you over his shoulder. โIs that okay? It is pretty spacious so we can sleep on either ends.โย
Is that OK??
Your soul: NOPE. SOUND THE ALARMS. EVACUATE THE PREMISES.
Your mouth: โYeah itโs fine.โ
Typical y/n. Always lying out of your ass crack.
He tosses his duffel on the floor and starts unpacking, casual as ever, while your brain is mapping out emergency escape routes and calculating the surface area of the bed to figure out how far you can sleep from him without dying.
โWeโve got, like, four hours until the big event,โ he says, kicking off his shoes. โItโs basically a party with drinks and games. Then we go skiing. People kinda go all out.โ
Skiing? You? โIs it bad that I donโt know how to Ski?โ
He snortsโsoft, fond. โItโs okay. Iโll teach you if youโre down. Iโm sure youโll be able to manage.
He finishes unpacking and flops onto the bed, arms behind his head. โYou can talk, yโknow,โ he says, teasing. โYouโre doing that quiet-stressing face again.โ
โIโm notโโ
โYou are.โ
โStop reading my mind.โ
โStop being readable.โ
You grab your water bottle just to have something to do. He watches you, amused. The silence stretchesโnot awkward, but charged. Like static in the air before lightning strikes.ย
You sit on the edge of the bed, rambling about somethingโhow cold it is, how Bella tricked you, how the hallway smells weirdly like cinnamon. You donโt stop talking because if you stop, youโll think, and if you think, youโll panic.
Halfway through your rant about overpriced ski equipment, you notice heโs not responding. Heโs justโฆ staring. Not in a bored way. Or in a polite-listening way.
In aย hungryย way. In aย memorizing-your-mouth-movementsย way. In a way no fake boyfriend should ever stare. No one has ever looked at you like that.
You clear your throat. โWhy are you looking at me like that?โ
Jamesโs voice is low, a little rough. โI donโt know.โ
You short-circuit. โIโwhatโyouโyou donโt knowโ?โ
โYeah.โ He shifts closerโjust enough for your knees to touch.ย
You swallow. Loudly. โCute.โ
โMm.โ His eyes drop to your lips like gravity dragged them there. โAnd distracting.โ
Your heart is doing backflips. Your hands start sweating. You are ninety percent sure youโre about to ascend straight off the bed.
โJamesโฆโ you whisper, though youโre not sure if itโs a warning or an invitation. He moves closer, slow enough to give you time to pull back. You donโt. You couldnโt even if you tried. His forehead almost touches yours, breath warming your skin. โTell me if you donโt want this,โ he murmurs.
You donโt answer. You lean in. Never once in life were you expecting James to be your first kiss. Obviously in those little fantasies of yours, but never in real life.
His lips brush yoursโbarely, like a question heโs too scared to ask out loudโand your breath catches so hard your ribs ache. He tilts his head, closes the space, kisses you properly this time, soft but hungry, like heโs been holding this in for weeks.
He pulls back, breathless, eyes flashing with something you canโt quite name. Then suddenly heโs dragging you into his lap, steady hands guiding you, brushing a stray piece of hair behind your ear before pulling you in for another kiss. This one is hungrierโmessy, frantic, almost starving.
A small moan slips out of you the second his tongue pushes into your mouth. Heโs goodโtoo good. And you were the complete opposite. Heat blooms low in your stomach, and you can feel him hardening beneath you, the realization sending a shiver through your whole body.
He chuckles against your lips, the vibration buzzing straight through you as his tongue keeps exploring your mouth.
โYou like that?โ he murmurs, fingers trailing up your thigh. You nod instantly, needy, like your body answered before your brain could catch up.
He leans in, breath brushing your ear. โTell me what else you want,โ he murmurs. You part your lips, but nothing comes outโyouโre too wound up, too turned on from everything heโs already done.
โTell me, baby.โ The pet name makes your pussy clench around nothing.
โIโI donโt know,โ you finally manage to whisper.
โYou donโt know?โ he repeats, eyebrow lifting in a teasing way. Embarrassment floods your cheeks as you shake your head and bring your hands up to hide your face.
โHey,โ he says softly, pulling your hands away. Your eyes meet, and he him unintentionally bitting his lower lips, his eyes now roaming all over your body.
Before you can even react, heโs kissing you againโdeep, consuming, pulling you straight back into the heat of him.
โDo you know how to grind on me?โ he asks when he pulls away again. You shake your head no.
โHere, let me guide you.โ
His hands settle on your ass, gentle but sure, guiding your hips back and forth over his clothed cock as he pulls you back into the kiss. You both let out soft moans, the sound tangled between your mouths. Itโs overwhelming, your fingers sliding into his hair, tugging just enough to pull another sound out of him.
โGod, babyโฆ you look so hot on top of me,โ he whispers, his hands roaming over your ass again.
Before you know it, Jamesโs hands slide down to the zipper of your jeans. He wants moreโyou can feel it in the way his breath catches, the way his fingers hesitate there like heโs waiting for permission. You stop him, catching his hands before he can go any further.
He looks up at you immediately, eyes searching your face.
โSomething wrong?โ he asks softly, tilting his head just a little.
โIโI donโt want to go further than that,โ you say, your voice small but steady. โNot right now.โ
James searches your face like heโs trying to read every micro-expression youโve ever had in your whole life.
โAm I making you feel uncomfortable?โ he asks quietly. You shake your head fast. โNo, itโs not that. I justโฆ donโt wanna do that right now.โ
His shoulders loosen immediately. โOh. Okay.โ And the way he says itโsoft, not offended, not disappointedโmakes something warm twist in your chest.
He presses one last kiss to your forehead before sliding you gently off his lap. โIโm gonna go shower,โ he murmurs, thumb brushing your cheek, โthen weโll get ready for the party.โ
When he disappears into the bathroom and the door clicks shut, the room feels too big. Too quiet. Tooโฆ loud inside your head. You flop back onto the bed and stare at the ceiling again, because apparently thatโs your hobby now. And, of course, your brain immediately starts being a menace.
Yeah, he used to do this with Amy. Plus, breakup wasnโt even that long ago. Maybe youโre just some transitional little detour while he untangles whatever is still left inside him.
You groan into a pillow. โGet it together,โ you mumble at yourself. Your overthinking is doing parkour.
Then the bathroom door swings openโand your soul exits your body.
James steps out with a towel sitting dangerously low on his hips, droplets rolling down his chest like they wereย directedย by a film crew. His torso? Toned. Defined. Absolutely from-the-cover-of-a-ski-lodge-soccer-player-romance-novel level sculpted.
His dyed dirty blonde hair is wet, dripping onto his shoulders, making him look unfairly good. You snap your gaze to the window like it personally offended you.
He grabs his bag and looks over at you. โYou gonna get ready?โ he asks casually, like he isnโt currently the hottest man alive standing half-naked five feet away.
โUhโyeah. Yeah, I was justโฆ thinking.โ (About your sanity evaporating.)
You peel yourself off the bed and rummage through your bag, already annoyed at yourself because you did not pack for a fancy winter party. You pull out something normal, plain, safeโbecause of course you brought nothing special. James glances over with a soft smile. โGoing casual?โ You shrug. โI didnโt really bring, likeโฆ party clothes.โ
His eyes drag over your outfit, then your face.
โYouโll look amazing,โ he says simply.
The Ski Slopes Nationโs โbig eventโ is already at full volume by the time you and James walk in. Itโs loud. Likeโฆย loud-loud.ย Bass thumping through the floorboards, laughter coming from every corner, people yelling over each other like theyโre competing for the Olympic gold medal in being obnoxious. James doesnโt even flinch. Heโs been to a million of these. You on the other handโfeel like you just walked into a live-action TikTok POV.
James keeps a warm hand at the small of your back as he leads you through the crowd. โCโmon,โ he says, leaning down so you can hear him, breath brushing your ear. โGotta introduce you.โ
His friends spot him immediately.
โAYYYY ZHAO YUFAN BOY!โ A giant wasian guyโMartinโthrows his arms up like James just scored a goal. Heโs tall. Likeโฆ tree-level tall. The kind of tall that makes you physically tilt your head back to make eye contact. Next to him is Keonhoโsmaller, ridiculously handsome, annoyingly charming. Both of them stare at you for a beat, confused as hell.
James just grins. โGuys, this is Y/N.โ Martin nods like heโs analyzing an alien species. โOhhhโฆย sheโsย the one.โ Keonho elbows him. โBro, donโt be weird.โ
You want to evaporate. James squeezes your hand like he can tell. People around the room keep glancing. Whispering. Doing double-takes. James showing up with another girlย this soonย after Amy? Yeah. You can practicallyย feelย the gossip starting to ferment.
You clear your throat. โIโm, uh, gonna grab something to drink.โ James nods, gentle. โIโll be right here.โ The second you leave, Martin leans in with that tall-guy nosiness. โDude. Sheโs so different from Amy.โ
James rolls his eyes. โOkay?โ
โNo, likeโฆ in a good way,โ Martin says. โSheโs calm. Doesnโt have that wholeโฆ Iโm-influencing-the-room energy.โ
Keonho smirks. โAnd you like her. Itโs obvious.โ James gives them a look but doesnโt deny it. Across the room, Amy is staringโhard. Snow-white expensive looking sweater that somehow makes her look like a judgmental snow angel. She watches James talk to his friends, then looks you up and down like youโre the clearance rack version of her.
You return with a drinkโyour first real drink everโand try to pretend the room isnโt spinning from nerves. You take a sip. And another. And another. Warmth blooms in your chest, buzzing under your skin. James finds you instantly. โHey.โ
His brows pinch. โYou good? You seemโฆ off.โ
You look at him. And your brain decides now is the perfect time to unhinge.
โYouโฆ used to have sex with Amy a lot, right?โ
James chokes. Like, full cough-wheeze combo. โThatโs whatโs been bothering you?โ
You shrug, trying to play it off. โItโdoesnโt really matter. I meanโฆ I know youโre with me right now, so thatโs all that counts.โ
James steps closer, hand cupping your jaw gently. โY/N. Sheโs my past. Youโre the one Iโm choosing now. And every second with you feelsโฆ different. Better.โ
Your chest squeezes so tight you forget how to swallow.
You look down at your shoes. โItโs justโฆ I guess my first time with you would be yourโฆ I donโt knowโฆ however-many-th time with her.โ
A breath leaves himโsoft, understanding. โHey. Look at me.โ
โIโm not comparing you to her. Iโm not thinking about her when Iโm with you. Iโm here, with you. And I like us. A lot.โ
You nod slowly. โYeah. Okay. Youโre right.โ And just like that, the tension melts a little.
The night blurs in the best wayโlaughter, games, Jamesโs friends warming up to you, your drink going down way too easily. Youโre not drunk, but definitelyโฆ pleasantly wobbly. James stays close the whole time, his arm brushing yours, hand grazing your lower back, fingers brushing your knuckles. Subtle, tiny things that keep your brain fried the entire night.ย
At one point Martin challenges James to some stupid game that involves taking shots and hitting a mini soccer ball into a trash can, and you swear the cabin shakes when everyone screams after he makes it. Youโre laughing. Actually laughing. And your cheeks hurt in the happiest way.
Eventually, when youโre both a little tipsy and the cold outside feels way too sharp, James wraps an arm around your waist and walks you back to the room.
Inside, you both stand awkwardly over the giant bed again.
โUhโฆ Iโll sleep on that side,โ you say, pointing to the edge like itโs a danger zone.
James nods. โYeah. Sure.โ
You settle under the covers, facing away, trying to breathe normally. James climbs in on the opposite end, careful, respectful, leaving a canyon of space between you. As you close your eyes, the coldness of your body was stopping you from falling asleep. After laying there for a few minutes, you finally resort to your last option.
โJames?โ
He replies immediately. โYeah?โ
โIโm cold.โ
Thereโs a beat. A quiet little inhale. You could practically hear him breathing from the other side of the bed. Then the mattress dips as he moves closer, sliding an arm around your waist and gently pulling you back into him. Warm. Solid. Safe. You exhale without meaning to, your body relaxing instantly into his.
His breath brushes your neck. โBetter?โ
โYeah,โ you whisper.
And just like that, wrapped in him, heartbeat syncing with his, you fall asleep.
The next night creeps in faster than you expect. The final night of the tripโthe big skiing day. The skyโs already going dark-blue, that weird shade where you canโt tell if itโs late afternoon or 11 p.m., and the cold is sharp enough to pinch your nose.
James helps you zip up your jacket, his fingers brushing your neck, sending chills that haveย nothingย to do with the weather.
โYou ready?โ he asks, all smug confidence.
โNo,โ you answer instantly.
He laughs. โYouโll be fine. Iโll teach you.โ
Outside, the slopes glow under tall floodlights, making the snow sparkle like someone dumped glitter everywhere. Kids and pros and show-offs are zooming down the hill like Olympic qualifiers. Youโre already planning your funeral.
James clips your boots in for you because he doesnโt trust you with anything involving gravity.
โOkay,โ he says, stepping behind you, hands gripping your arms gently. โLean forward a tiny bit. Just enough to not fall backwards.โ
โOkay,โ you say, immediately leaning like a malfunctioning tower.
He steadies you. โNotย thatย muchโunless you wanna eat snow.โ
โIโm gonna eat snow regardless.โ
โThatโs fair.โ
He teaches you slowly, patientlyโhow to stop, how to turn, how not to accidentally kill yourself. And youโฆ kinda get the hang of it? Ish? You manage to go five whole meters without face-planting.
Every time you wobble, heโs right there catching you by the waist. Every time you mess up, he laughsโnot mean, but soft, fond, like he likes seeing you try. Eventually, youโre actually skiingโwell, sliding down at the speed of an elderly turtle, but still.
James skis backwards in front of you, because of course he can. His eyes are warm, cheeks flushed red from the cold.
โYouโre doing good!โ he calls out.
โYouโre lying to be nice!โ
โI am,โ he admits.
You finally stop at the bottom and nearly fall, but he lunges forward, catching you. Your helmet bumps into his chest.
โHey,โ he breathes, smiling down at you. โSee? You didnโt die.โ
โYet,โ you mutter.
After a while, you both sit in the snow, helmets off, catching your breath. Snow somehow gets down the back of your jacket and into your gloves and probably your soul.
You shriek. โOH MY GOD ITโS IN MY SHIRTโโ James bursts out laughing. โYou good?โ
You do the most logical thing: grab a handful of snow and yeet it at his face.
He freezes. Then smirks. โOh, itโs on.โ
Next thing you know, youโre in a full snowball warโscreaming, laughing, slipping everywhere, James chasing you around trees with perfect aim while you miss every single throw like youโre allergic to accuracy.
By the time you both stumble back toward the lodge, youโre breathless and soaked and ridiculously happy. Right outside the hallway to your room, James bumps your shoulder lightly. โHey, uhโฆ go ahead to the room. I need to tell Martin something real quick.โ
โOh. Okay.โ
He kisses your cheekโquick, warmโbefore turning away.
You head inside. You shower, change, check your phone, sit on the bed, go through photos, scroll TikTok, stare at the ceiling, contemplate the meaning of lifeโฆ
Forty-five minutes pass.
The door finally opens. James steps in, rubbing the back of his neck like heโs tired. โSorry. Martin was being annoying.โ
You smile. โItโs okay. I had fun these two days. Thank you for convincing me to come.โ
His eyes soften. โIโm glad you did.โ
โ
The next morning is chaoticโbags everywhere, people rushing, doors slamming, winter air biting at your face. James looks exhausted, barely awake, stuffing clothes into his duffel like a zombie.
His other friend is waiting for him outside, yelling for him to hurry.
You zip your jacket and head into the hallway. Martinโs there, tying his boots.
โHey, Martin?โ
He looks up. โHm?โ
โWhat did you and James talk about last night?โ
He blinks. โLast night? โฆWe didnโt talk.โ
Your stomach drops. โHe didnโt see you?โ
โNo? I didnโt see him at all.โ
Oh. Oh great.ย Fanfuckingtastic. A cold wave rolls through your chest harder than the mountain wind.
When you climb into the passenger seat of Jamesโs car, heโs quietโclearly tired. He yawns as he turns the engine on. The drive is silent for a long time. Likeโฆ too long.
Finally, he speaks. โAre you going to the match today?โ
โNo.โ
He glances at you, confused. โWhy not?โ
You keep your eyes on the window. โBecause I know you didnโt go see Martin.โ
The air tightens.
โSo who was it?โ you ask. James doesnโt answer. Your heart beats loud enough to hurt. The coach starts calling him the second you guys pull into the parking lot.
โTell me,โ you whisper. โDid you go see Amy?โ
โLookโโ he starts, voice low, strained, โI can explain.โ
The coach yells again. โFIVE MINUTES, JAMES!โ
Your throat burns. โAm I just your second best?โ
He wincesโlike the words physically hit him.
The coach yells again, sharper this time: โLast warning!โ
James steps out of the car, but turns back, gripping the door.
โPlease,โ he says, eyes desperate. โJust come to the game. I promise Iโll explain everything after. Please.โ
And then heโs gone, jogging off toward the field, leaving you sitting in the quiet car, heart pounding like itโs trying to break out.
โ
The school library is quiet in that specific after-school way โ soft humming lights, the vague smell of old pages, one kid coughing somewhere like heโs auditioning for a Victorian death scene. Youโre still not sure about meeting up with James after his games. It has been a hell of a week,
Youโve been curled up in a corner armchair for about an hour or two with some random book you grabbed just to distract your brain fromโฆ everything. Itโs working, sorta.ย
Until you flip the page and land on a quote that hits you like a truck:
โIf someone chooses silence when they owe you honesty, let them go.
But if your heart aches louder than your prideโฆ
youโll find your way back anyway.โ
You stare at it like it personally slapped you across the face. Why does everywhere you go have to remind you of James. And then you glance at the clock.
You are one hour late to the end Jamesโs game.ย
Like โ not fifteen minutes, not โoops my bad,โ
but a FULL sixty minutes late.
โShit.โ
You jump up so fast the librarian gives you a death glare that could shatter glass.
You shove the book back on the shelf sideways (crime) and practically sprint out. Itโs pouring outside โ full dramatic movie thunderstorm pouring. The kind that soaks your socks instantly.
You take out your sad little umbrella and start the walk home, hugging your jacket to your chest like thatโll protect you from your own thoughts. But when you reach the edge of the outdoor courtsโthe ones the team cuts across after gamesโyou pause,
Because thereโs someone standing there. Alone. Soaked. Head down. Kicking at the gravel like heโs fighting ghosts. James.
Heโs drenched top to bottom, rainwater mixed with sweat, hair plastered to his forehead, jersey clinging to him. And heโsโฆ waiting. Still. Just standing there like he refuses to leave until something changes. Your chest does something stupid and painful, a mixture of guilt and anger.
You walk up quietly, stepping behind him, lifting the umbrella up on your toes so it covers the both of you. One tiny circle of dryness in a whole world of rain.
He tenses firstโthen turns slowly. The moment he sees you, his expression crumples in this soft, relieved way that knocks the breath right out of you.
โโฆYou came,โ he says, voice low, almost disbelieving.
You swallow. โYeah. Iโ I was late. And then it started raining, so I was just walking home butโฆโ
Your eyes flick to him.
โBut youโre still here.โ
You lower the umbrella slightly so you can see his face better. Drops of rain slide down his cheek, and he looks exhausted โ not physically, but in that โIโve been stressing about losing you for hoursโ kind of way.
โWhat made you come?โ he asks quietly. You shrug, breath fogging the air. โIโฆ read something. And it made me realize I wasnโt done. With us.โ
His jaw clenches, and he looks away for a second like heโs overwhelmed.
You take a small step closer. โWho were you with, James?โ
He lets out a breath thatโs practically a sigh of defeat. โAmy.โ
Your stomach sinks โ until he lifts his head, eyes sharp, honest.
โBut not for what you think.โ
You donโt say anything. You just hold the umbrella and wait.
โI went to tell her to stop,โ he says. โTo stop showing up everywhere. To stop spreading shit about you. About us. To stop acting like I owe her something.โ
His voice strengthens, anger threading through it.
โI told her if she messed with you one more time, Iโdโโ He stops, shaking his head. โโIโd actually lose it. I didnโt want things to blow up in front of you, so I waited until later. Thatโs it. Thatโs all it was.โ
Your eyes sting. And your voice comes out smaller than you want.
โโฆWhy didnโt you just tell me?โ
He steps closer, rain dripping off his jaw. โBecause when you asked, you already looked like Iโd punched a hole in your chest. And then the coach was yelling at me, and I panicked.โ He runs a hand through his hair. โI shouldโve told you. Iโm sorry.โ
The rain softens around you, or maybe you just stop noticing it.
You whisper, โI thought you wereโฆ choosing her again.โ
His face twists โ hurt, like the idea physically wounds him.
โY/N.โ
He reaches out, fingers brushing your wrist gently, like heโs asking permission.
โYou were never my second best.โ Your throat closes up.
โAnd I waited,โ he adds. โFor an hour. In the rain. Just in case there was even a 1% chance youโd show up.โ You let out a tiny, shaky laugh. โThatโs really dumb of you.โ
He smiles, soft and crooked. โYeah. But Iโm yours, soโฆ it tracks.โ
You look at himโreally lookโsoaked, shivering, but eyes warm like he never doubted youโd return.
You step forward and tuck yourself against him, arms looping around his waist. He exhales like heโs been holding his breath the whole day and pulls you in, umbrella tilting awkwardly over both your heads.
His chest is warm even though his clothes are freezing. His chin rests on your hair. His heartbeat is steady and loud.
โHey,โ he murmurs into your ear.
โWhat?โ
โThanks for coming back.โ
You pull back just enough to meet his eyes.
โDonโt make me chase you through a storm again,โ you mumble.
He chuckles, brushing your cheek with his thumb. โThen donโt leave me behind.โ
You shrug playfully. โNo promises.โ
He leans down, forehead touching yours, breaths mixing in the cold air.
Warm and close and full of everything youโve been too scared to say.
โLet me walk you home,โ he whispers.
โYeah,โ you breathe. โLetโs go home.โ
He takes the umbrella from you, threads his fingers through yours, and the two of you walk out of the storm together โ matching steps, matching heartbeats โ leaving every misunderstanding behind on the wet pavement.
And for the first time in a long, long timeโฆ
You donโt feel like youโre someoneโs temporary choice. You feel like youโre exactly where youโre supposed to be. With him.
[looking at people younger than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at people older than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at myself] its over
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
โ Live Streamingโ Interactive Chatโ Private Showsโ HD Quality
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warnings and tags: fingering, overstimulation, squirting, soft dom mark โฆ if i missed any tags let me know!
an: honestly whatโs better smaller text or the original text size? ;-;
โcomfortable?โ, mark murmured, his lips brushing against your hairline. you could feel the steady rhythm of his breathing, the warmth of his body mixing with yours. you nodded, nuzzling deeper into his chest. the familiar scent of his cologne made your stomach flutter each time you inhaled.
his fingers moved from your arm, to your neck tracing the line of your jaw. you titled your head back, thatโs when his hips found yours. the kiss was soft, with a hint urgency. you responded right away, your lips parted as his tongue traced your lower lip. your hands moved up to his chest, tangling in the fabric of his shirt. mark deepened the kiss, one hand slid from your shoulders to your waist, pulling you closer until there was no space between your bodies.
the bed sheets shifted beneath you as you adjusted your position, legs draping over his. his mouth moved from your lips to your neck, leaving a trail of open mouth kisses. you arched against him, a soft gasp escaping your lips as his teeth grazed that sensitive spot just below your ear.
markโs hand moved from your waist to your thigh, fingers squeezing gently through the thin material of your leggings. โmarkโ, you let out needier than you intended. he pulled back just enough to look at you, his eyes dark with desire. โi want to touch you is that okay?โ
you nodded unable to form words, his fingers slipped beneath the waistband of your leggings. the brush of his fingertips against your panties made you jump, shooting desire through your entire body. a small smile spread across his lips realizing how wet you are. โsomeoneโs needyโ, he teased.
your cheeks burned, the embarrassment you felt was quickly forgotten as his fingers pushed past your panties, finding your slick folds. you were embarrassingly wet, the sounds filling the room. mark circled your clit, slow and deliberate. your hips moved against his hand, seeking relief.
โpleaseโ, you whimpered, he obliged sliding one finger inside you while his thumb continued slow circles on your clit. your back arched off the bed as he found that spot, he added a second finger, stretching you deliciously as he curled them just right. your moans filled the room, โthatโs itโ, he encouraged. โlet me hear you.โ
his pace increased, his fingers pumping in and out of you while his thumb worked at your clit. the pressure was building inside you. markโs other hand moved to your breast, thumbing your nipple through your bra.
โmark, i..โ, the words dissolved into a broken cry as your orgasm washed over you. mark didnโt stop, his movements became more deliberate. your body trembled, the pleasure turning sharp. markโs fingers pressed deeper, hitting that spot again and again.
โfuck, wait..โ, a gush of liquid erupted from you, soaking markโs hands, your leggings, and the sheets beneath you. the sensation was intense, almost overwhelming. your body shook uncontrollably, your vision went white as you road out your orgasm.
mark froze for a second, his eyes wide with shock as the liquid continued from your body. his expression quickly changed, from shock to pride. โholy shitโ, he breathed, his voice filled with wonder. โdid you just?โ, you couldnโt answer, your body still trembling from the aftershocks as his fingers continued, slower this time. another gush escaped you, smaller this time. mark laughed, the sound vibrated through your body.
โagainโ, he demanded. his eyes locked on yours as he increased his pace. โi want to see it again.โ, your mind went blank as he worked towards another orgasm. the overstimulation was almost too much.
this time when you came, mark watched everything. his fingers never stopping their movements as you came each orgasm more powerful than the last. the sheets beneath you were soaked, thighs drenched with your release but mark loved every second.
โthatโs my pretty girlโ, markโs fingers stilled, fingers buried inside you. he pressed soft kisses on your forehead, his other hand stroking your hair gently. โyou okay?โ, he asks softly. you nodded against his chest, too exhausted to speak.
One-shot #55: NCT Haechan ft. Chenle โ โVirginityโ
This is the 55th story in my broader Mixed One-shots series. Unlike my Quick Fix series, One-shots are usually longer and more story-driven.
Idols: NCT Haechan ft. Chenle
Story: Things escalate between you and Haechan at the end of a night with friends. Chenle is โsleepingโ in the same bed, but that doesn't stop you from losing your virginity to the man of your dreams.
Sex Content: Missionary, Masturbation, Virginity, Sex while someone's watching
Series & Story Collections: Mixed One-shots, Sweet/cute Stories
Type of Smut: UNCONVENTIONAL/MEDIUM
Word Count: 5.9k
This is a cute, emotionally charged story in which Haechan โ your crush โ takes your virginity while Chenle โ your friend who has a secret crush on you โ is โsleepingโ in the same bed.
It's a love triangle told through sex. It's quiet fucking in the middle of the night with the worry and thrill of not being alone.
It's horny heartache and curious joy. And ultimately, it's your first time, an experience which turns out to be great. For some of you, anyway ๐
๐ฌ Originally inspired by this request, but I wrote another Chenle-specific smut for it which will be published another time: you should do a straight!chenle fic pls and ty and keep up the good work, man <3
Haechan was real gentle and careful when he touched your body, slowly and gradually undressing you. Was it because he was caring or scared?
His lips were constantly on yours as you lay together in bed. His fingers kept slipping inside your panties, and it thrilled him each time you let him touch you right there.
He was shirtless but had jeans on. You were in a skirt and top, wet and as horny as he was.
The skirt didn't do much, because it was too short to stop his hand. The top didn't either, it had long since been pushed up to around your neck. And you didn't have a bra on, your boobs moist from all the times Haechan had kissed them.
You had been there, in this bed, for over an hour. It was dark in the room but not pitch black, the silhouette of Haechan's body clear in your mind. You were on your back the entire time, only occasionally shifting position ever so slightly, when the tingling sensation between your legs became too strong while making out with the man you had fantasized about so often.
You were afraid to touch him as eagerly as he touched you. There were two reasons for why you held back despite being so curious. Most immediate, Chenle was sleeping right beside you, though you didn't really mind that because Haechan didn't seem to. And more importantly, you were a virgin who had never found herself in this situation before.
There's a lot to unpack in both of those things. You were all friends, and Chenle's presence in the bed with you was in itself not weird at all. But it did make you question how far you could go with Haechan without crossing any social boundaries that might jeopardize everything.
You believed Chenle to be asleep but weren't sure. You wanted to have sex so maybe you just told yourself that. And were so ready to go all the way, especially with Haechan who in many ways was the man of your dreams. In fact you sometimes wondered why you and him hadn't ended up doing it before.
But it did scare you. Having sex. You weren't sure what to expect, what it would feel like, what it would do to your friendship, or what you were even supposed to do.
You didn't want to disappoint him. You loved Haechan, like more than a friend. You understood that this moment was significant, to you, and to your relationship dynamics.
At the end of the day, as it would turn out, you had nothing to worry about. But you couldn't know that in the heat of the moment, and so you were holding back.
What you did know was how good it felt when Haechan was all over you like this. Your heart and groin wanted him to go on, to take off more of your clothes and of his, to keep going further and deeper.
If he were to try to go all the way with you โ the way you secretly hoped and dreamed of โ the only real reason you might not want to right now was Chenle.
But curiosity did get the better of you. An hour into this silent, hot moment of shameless foreplay and intimate exploration, you finally touched the bulge on Haechan's pants.
It was sort of an accident, but not really. You had actively been avoiding the area even when your arm lay by your side and your fingers were so near you could sense the bulge and cock. Your thoughts were elsewhere โ on the sensation of Haechan's fingers near your clit, and on the allure of his naked upper body โ when your hand brushed against the erection in his pants which made Haechan really excited.
He pushed his groin against your hand. The movement was slow and controlled. He began to softly grind against you, and his fingers quickly slipped over your stomach and to your boob where they froze.
He held his breath. Your brain became alert and aware of the โaccidentโ your own hand had caused. But you didn't pull your fingers back, only extended them further.
You felt the outline of the boner. The tip of the head which poked at the fabric. You squeezed Haechan's dick over his pants, and his grinding motions became longer, harder and slightly faster.
That's when a shift happened, after more than an hour since this all started. Haechan suddenly retracted his arm and rolled on his back, and you turned slightly toward him when he slowly unbuckled his belt.
You put a hand on his bare, soft chest and closed your eyes. You imagined his actions but were afraid to look. And you buried your face in a pillow when you felt him raise his knees and feet, and heard him slide the pants off.
You knew exactly what he was doing when he stripped down to his underwear. And you didn't mind it, didn't stop him.
When he returned you lay on your back again and let him grind against your body and touch it. Chenle was turned away from you and didn't move a single muscle.
The man with whom you had dreamed of having sex for some time was all over you once again. His lips and hands became more eager and abrupt now that he was practically naked. And to guide you, encourage you and check your limits, he pushed on the top around your neck with an obvious desire to take it off.
At first you didn't do anything in return, just lay there with your eyes shut and mouth slightly open, so horny you could burst and so alert and aware of every little detail it scared you.
But then you raised your neck. The top was released from under you and Haechan helped pull it over your head. He removed it, dropped it on the floor, and a new level of the night was reached which was a thrilling relief to you both.
His fingers slid south and found your wet pussy again. You squirmed slowly and spread your thighs so wide your knee bumped into Chenle's ass which made you quickly pull it back in. The man didn't seem to have noticed, thank god.
With each passing minute, eager to feel more of your naked body, Haechan felt heavier against you. He wasn't on top of you, not yet, but he desperately wanted to be and you could tell.
To show his intentions he fixed the seams of your panties between his thumb and index finger and pushed down. Your ass on the mattress kept the fabric in place, but then you instinctively raised that part of your body too.
The man wanted you naked. You wanted to get naked with him, and feel more of his soft skin. And you temporarily closed your legs so he could slide the panties off, over your thighs, knees and feet where you kicked them aside.
The duvet under which you had been laying when all of this started was still down there, but it no longer covered you up. The relative darkness made you feel safe, but Chenle's presence was constantly on your mind because it was impossible not to brush against him.
Perhaps Haechan worried about that too, because he suddenly reached down for the cover, and pulled it over you both before he aligned his body with yours.
That's when your fingers touched his erection. And this time, it didn't feel so dangerous and scary despite the fact you could clearly feel more of it without the jeans in the way.
You grabbed the shaft and stroke it over his underwear. To touch a dick for the first time in your life was really exciting. And the scary feeling was gradually fading, or at least you were able to ignore it.
You continued to make out. Haechan kept grinding against you and let out a grunt, when he repeatedly pushed his boner in between your fingers.
Then he pulled his head back slightly and looked at you. โCondom?โ he whispered, one hand on your chest and the other stroking your cheek and hair.
You could barely make out his eyes and expression right in front of you. โWhat about Chenle?โ you whispered, and held the man around his shoulder.
The question made Haechan incredibly happy. It meant you really did want to go all the way.
โHe's sleeping,โ he pointed out and shrugged, as if it was no big deal. Then he pulled the duvet higher, an attempt to make you feel safer and more willing.
It worked. You thought for another few seconds, but dammit if Chenle was going to ruin this for you. Maybe his presence was a sign though. It wasn't him being there that scared you, after all.
โHmm, maybe not,โ you whispered, and Haechan was audibly disappointed.
He didn't show it, not really. But you could hear it in his voice. โOh, okay,โ he said and faked a smile, then kissed your lips as if to tell you it really was okay, that he respected your decision and feelings.
He slowly rolled away from you and exhaled. He stopped touching you, and lay flat on his back with a hand behind his head, staring at the ceiling, likely trying to make his erection go away.
You stayed beside him for a minute, your fingers playing between you. Then you raised your hand under the cover, and put it on his crotch where the erection still throbbed. You slowly began to stroke and massage it again, so curious to feel it.
Haechan let you touch him. He enjoyed every pleasurable second of it. But his hand didn't return to your clit, and he didn't make any further attempts to get to fuck you. If you didn't want to โ if he wasn't going to get the release he so desperately needed โ all he could do was try to cool down.
Not that it mattered. You were friends and he knew the same things you did about the potential dangers of what you were doing. Maybe it was for the best that you stopped, for everyone's sake. It wasn't too late and wouldn't hurt your friendship.
The room became totally quiet, for the first time since foreplay began. Chenle still didn't move a muscle, but you became very aware of how heavy his breathing was. Yeah, there was no doubt about it, even if he might have been awake before he was definitely asleep right now.
You moved the hand to Haechan's stomach, then pushed it south underneath the seams of his briefs. That's when you felt a cock in the flesh for the first time, your fingers brushing against the head before you grabbed the length of the shaft.
It was heart-pounding experience. The moment was fun and thrilling. It put your mind on high alert, and Haechan didn't move or react at first, but then he raised his ass and slid the underwear down, raised his knees again and took them all the way off while you stroke the erection continuously.
Clearly you both really wanted this. And that's when you knew and decided. What was the point of dancing around the subject like this?
Fuck it, you thought. What harm can it do? You wanted to feel that cock inside you so bad, and Chenle wasn't a problem.
โOkay,โ you said and turned your head.
Haechan raised his and stared at you. โWhat?โ he whispered.
โMaybeโฆ a condom?โ
The man's heart jolted. He was visibly thrilled by your change of heart, as evident by the way his body quickly moved.
He worked hard not to show it too much but failed. Eagerly he rolled away from you, but with a certain slowness as not to scare you off or wake the sleeping man which could ruin everything.
He came prepared and returned with something. You let go of his boner and let your hands rest on your stomach. You couldn't see but knew what Haechan was doing, when he put the condom on under the cover before his lips came back to yours.
You rolled to meet him when his hands returned to your body. He half way sat up, leaning over you while you made out. And when you pushed your arm in under him to hold him, he raised his hips and climbed on top.
You spread your legs wide for him, and multiple times your knee bumped into Chenle who still didn't react. You sank down into the mattress while Haechan's lips were all over your mouth, smacking quietly as you stroke his naked back and waist.
You wondered where the cock was. For a moment you couldn't feel it, and wondered how it would get in. Were you expected to do something, or how did it work?
Haechan saved you. While leaning on an elbow he reached in, and you felt both his hand and the head against your lower stomach.
Then the sensation disappeared, only to return closer to your clit. And when the head and hand touched your wet folds you held your breath, your brain all but shutting down from the scary and arousing stir.
โAre you sure?โ Haechan asked and paused.
โYeah,โ you said and smiled up at him.
Then he sank down, slowly, and the head made your folds part and spread your hole open.
It felt strange, not at all how you had imagined. Not bad, but not amazing either.
Haechan pulled his hand out and held you around your sides. He exhaled in a long, controlled breath before he kissed you.
The erection slowly slid in. It hurt, when the head went deeper and your wet pussy licked the length of the shaft. Then he pulled back slightly, and the pain only intensified.
Haechan's lips froze on yours. He moved his ass slowly, carefully up and down a couple of times. Then he opened his eyes and asked, as if he could read your mind: โAre you okay? Does it hurt?โ
You didn't want him to worry. You definitely didn't want him to stop. โNo,โ you lied, an answer which made Haechan feel relieved.
His movements increased slightly in speed and intensity. He knew what he was doing and was gentle, but also fucking horny and eager for more. It was a balance between giving in to his desires and making sure you were enjoying it too.
When you didn't complain, however, nor ask him to stop, his mind drifted away from the worry of how it felt for you, and whether his friend would wake up and ruin the moment, and became fully focused on your body and the strong sensation of it gliding against his cock.
The pussy he had already been exploring and fingering for so long felt great to him. And to you, as the pain faded, and your body and mind loosened up.
Your hands came alive on Haechan's back, moving up and down in gentle but steady strokes. It felt pretty good once you got into a rhythm.
Haechan was a wonderful man, one of your best friends, and though it still didn't feel at all how you had imagined it, sex really was very nice.
The experience went on in this position, at the same pace and with you doing nothing but moving your hands and receiving the occasional kiss, for five minutes or so.
Your thoughts jumped between the warm and soft body in your arms, to the hard cock inside you and what it felt like, and to Chenle's lingering presence.
At one point a tingling sensation jolted between your legs, a wonderful glimpse into what great sex could feel like. It was fleeting, but it made you excited and helped you further give in to your curiosity.
Your hands moved higher and lower as a result. You opened your mouth wider and allowed yourself to breathe more audibly. And the bed let out a squeak, when Haechan thrust a little deeper inside you.
The noise made you both stiffen slightly. But it felt too good, and by now you were too into it, to stop.
Your hand reached down to the man's ass, a part of him your curiosity was eager to learn more about. You stroke his bare cheek which made your heart flutter and scared you, to the point that the hand quickly retracted.
He's naked! you thought, as if you hadn't been entirely sure before.
The brief touch made Haechan excited too, and he began to heave lowly near your ear.
The bed squeaked again. This time, he didn't slow down because he really didn't want to. And Chenle's tiny body beside you began to rock gently to the rhythm.
Your knee bumped into him several times at this point. The first time your heart and brain reacted to it. The second time you tried harder to keep it away from him, but Haechan's body pushing down on the inside of your thigh made you fail. The third time you gave up and let it happen, because you had come so far by now that Chenle was easy to ignore.
He wasn't reacting anyway. And dammit if he was going to ruin this for you. Even if he did wake up, it wasn't going to stop you.
*****
Chenle lay on his side with his back toward his friends. He knew what you were doing back there, touching and making out. And it hurt in his heart, so bad. But he didn't want to stop you either.
He was surprisingly turned on. So fucking horny. It was thrilling to him, to know his hot friend was being touched. Too bad it was by one of his fellow members.
That Haechan would have sex in the same bed as him had never even occurred to him before. Now, when he heard and felt what was going on in the dark, he simultaneously hated and loved it. But if he focused his thoughts only on you, and imagined your body and pretended no one else was present, it secretly really thrilled him.
When he felt a knee bump into his ass he opened his eyes wide and stared at the wall in front of him. His erection was throbbing but he didn't touch it. His head was resting on his hands.
At one point he actually drifted off. Foreplay lasted for so long. His mind was elsewhere and his cock had softened. It was easier to just pretend like nothing was happening.
But then he woke up. For a moment he thought that you and Haechan had stopped, perhaps fallen asleep yourselves. He imagined it would be in each other's arms, all horny and maybe naked. He could always hope and dream.
That's when the smacking sounds resumed, and the mattress jolted slightly which made him alert. The erection between his legs quickly returned.
โCondom?โ he heard Haechan whisper. It made him listen intently.
โWhat about Chenle?โ
โHe's sleeping.โ
It made the man freeze up and hold his breath. A part of him really wanted this to happen, for you to have sex while he was right there. Just the idea turned him on.
But another part of him was hurting. Aching. And when you didn't immediately respond to Haechan he nearly started to cry.
Because the truth is, Chenle had a major crush on you. He had for quite some time. And being a virgin himself, the idea of what you were doing โ of what you might agree to any second now โ was painful as hell.
โHmm, maybe not,โ you whispered, in your mind super quietly but to Chenle's perceptive ears it was really loud.
You decision gave him mixed emotions. He was relieved, very much so. But with a hand on his crotch slowly massaging his shaft so you wouldn't notice, also utterly disappointed.
The time that followed made Chenle feel hollow. He tried real hard to go back to sleep but couldn't. He didn't want to miss anything, but he also didn't want to hear any more. He suddenly wished he wasn't there, or that you weren't.
If you didn't want to have sex with his friend, that was a decision Chenle would be happy with. If you did, he had no reasonable reason to object. Of course, he did โ you were all in the same bed after all โ but doing so would risk revealing his true feelings for you and that was the most dangerous and scary thing of all.
He hoped this was the end of it. But a repetitive sound and tiny but repetitive shaking soon filled the room, one which Chenle could only imagine the cause of. It was the sound of your hand moving up and down under the covers, slowly jerking Haechan off.
And then came the words that pierced his heart in the worst possible way, and made his cock throb so hard it gave him an intense pleasure like never before.
โOkay.โ
โWhat?โ
โMaybeโฆ a condom?โ
Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Chenle closed his eyes hard, squeezed his cock tight, and really struggled not to move a muscle.
What happened next was super vivid in his mind. He felt and heard your two bodies behind him shifting around, but he never knew when the condom came on or exactly when his friend climbed on top of you.
He did know when the sex had started though. And he heard Haechan's questions: โAre you sure?โ, โAre you okay?โ and โDoes it hurt?โ
The soft jumping of the mattress, and the knee bumping into his back several times, made everything super obvious.
The mental images in his head were wild, and it was the most horny and simultaneously painful moment of Chenle's life.
It broke his heart when you said โYesโ to the first question and โNoโ to the last.
He wanted to cry again when his little body rocked gently to the rhythm of the sex happening right behind him.
And his cock throbbed so hard, his hand unable to stop stroking it, he definitely didn't want to speak up.
It was a strange, overwhelming concoction of mixed emotions. One which Chenle knew only one way to deal with: if you, his crush, was going to lose your virginity to his friend while Chenle himself had to endure the sounds and sensations of it in the same bed, he had to reach his own climax in order to even begin to get over it.
*****
Haechan's breaths were shallow and abrupt near your ear. His lips had stopped touching your skin, and his hand remained dormant while they occasionally squeezed you.
You stared at the ceiling, then closed your eyes and let the moment consume you. It felt pretty good, each time the body on top of you pushed in.
No, it felt great! So thrillingly good. Haechan was such a sweet lover, and you knew in that moment that you would think back on your first time as an amazing experience.
You didn't move much at all, but you let the man fuck you. It had been clear all night that he wanted to, and your heart felt as happy as his now that he did.
The cock sliding in and out, stretching your pussy wide open, gave you an exciting thrill. And the same words could be used to describe the fact that you weren't alone in the bed, though the thrill and excitement stemming from that was something else.
By now the bed was jumping and squeaks were frequent and repetitive. Haechan didn't seem to mind so neither did you. You just let it all happen, let him continue to fuck you, going with the flow and enjoying every second of it.
His skin was soft and wonderful to touch. His breaths in your ear turned you on. And the back and ass made your heart and groin tingle, a sensation you also had never anticipated.
Do I love him? you wondered. You did, though perhaps not in the intense and romantic way you imagined while his cock was inside you.
โHuuh, ohh!โ Haechan suddenly grunted, so loudly it made you open your eyes wide.
Chenle was a deep sleeper, you knew that, but even if you naively thought he didn't know what was happening, you knew there was no way he didn't hear that. At least if he was awake.
It surprised you how little it bothered you. So what if Chenle heard? It was only sex. Your first time, yes, but just sex nonetheless. You would probably laugh about it, or pretend like it never happened. In either case it was not a big deal that Chenle was there.
What was a big deal, however, was the change in the relationship between you and Haechan. You had dreamed of him for so long, hoping that something like this would happen. Now you couldn't stop thinking about the consequences, even when he had been in you for some time.
What did it mean? Would you be dating now? Was this just a one time thing for him? Did he have feelings for you too, or was he just horny?
As the man lay naked on top of you, stroking your exposed body under the covers and fucking your still wet pussy with his hard cock, you didn't have any answers.
But you were excited about what they might be, about the possibilities and doors that were opening as a result of your actions on this night.
โHuuh, uuhhh,โ Haechan heaved again. His ass began to jump a little faster, and Chenle's body was practically shaking beside you. โMmm, mmm, m-m-m-mmm!โ
It was clear even to you that he was trying to hold back, but also that he failed to be silent. At first you didn't know what was happening, when his cock throbbed inside you and released. But then he slowed down, felt heavier, and you knew that something had changed.
Is it over? you wondered, but you didn't ask. It sounded like the man was enjoying himself, but you had no idea if he thought you were any good. Should you have done something, other than just lay there and touch and hold him?
โHaaah, oh my god!โ the man wheezed in your ear, words that made you feel surprisingly good. Then he kissed your cheek, and you turned your head to meet his soft lips.
His strained look made you smile. The cock was emptied in the condom, and though you didn't know what that meant or what it looked like or even that he had indeed orgasmed, it felt good.
Haechan managed to smile too when he opened his eyes. He pushed gently on your face to bring it closer, and buried his head in your neck.
His breath was hot on your skin. His other hand gently stroke your hip, while yours ventured down his back one last time. You felt and squeezed his ass, because you suddenly worried it might be the last chance in your life to do so, to feel him naked.
You caressed him, touched him, loved him. If it was really over, you suddenly really worried about what came next, and the many questions became more immediate.
And Chenle returned to your mind. He was still there, with his back toward you. Deep down you knew there was no chance in hell he was sleeping, but he pretended to, and that was really nice of him.
*****
Chenle lay wide awake and on high alert, listening to the obvious noises of sex right behind him.
His hand was inside his pants and underwear. His t-shirt had slid up to his chest, and a part of his back was exposed.
He barely needed to move his fingers. Gravity and the jumping mattress did it for him. And he was so hard, so fucking turned on, his aching heart had no space to influence his emotions.
Masturbating to the noises and mental images of his friends was a coping mechanism, but also an exciting adventure. And with time, as he felt and imagined the girl Chenle himself had hoped and dreamed of losing his virginity to one day, he actually enjoyed it.
His eyes were wide open, to just stay alert and make sure his friends couldn't see what he was doing.
His hand and fingers moved in tiny but ever more rapid motions, as he lay on his side and jerked off.
The sounds, the increasingly large and careless movements of their bodies, made him feel safe in knowing that they didn't care about him.
โHuuh, ohh!โ Haechan grunted which made Chenle's heart skip a beat and his hand move faster still. He became convinced that his friend just camel, though how could he know?
He immediately had mixed feelings about that too. He listened for any sounds coming from the girl. It was you he was crushing on, and your naked body that was vivid in his mind. He heard nothing, but aided by Haechan's noises his imagination did a pretty good job at filling in the gaps.
He saw your boobs in front of him, though he had never seen a pair in real life.
He knew you absolutely loved having sex with him, from the expression on your face the way he imagined it.
And he believed he was an amazing lover, because in his mind it wasn't Haechan who was fucking you, but Chenle himself whose cock made you react with such intense pleasure.
The jumping of the mattress quickly slowed which made Chenle worried. He suddenly felt the pressure of time, and moved his fingers even faster.
He had a clear goal, an intent. Jerking off was no longer about continuous pleasure and dealing with the pain of what was going on, but about reaching a release before it was too late.
He knew that if he didn't come now he would never be able to without you noticing. Falling asleep, knowing that you and Haechan were naked right behind him, would be impossible if he was still hard.
He closed his eyes and opened his mouth wide to silence his rapid breaths.
He shook his arm fast, in tiny motions to keep the shaking down but simultaneously with increasingly little worry if you did notice what he was secretly doing.
He stretched out the seams of his sweat pants and underwear, to give his fingers and hand more space. Then he grimaced hard and let go of the seams, and came in his underwear so hard it made his mind go blank.
It was the strongest, most incredible orgasm of his life. For a split second, it felt as though he lost his virginity along side you.
He quickly pulled his hand out before it got soiled. It was a little too late and he wiped it on his shirt, suddenly fearing that otherwise either one of his friends might brush against it in the night.
Then he relaxed, exhaled deeply but slowly to stay as silent as possible, and stopped moving just as Haechan did the same.
He felt it when his friend climbed off the girl they both desired.
He listened and imagined what was going on when you turned on your side and put an arm around Haechan's chest.
And finally, when the pain in his heart began to return and take up more space inside him again, he decided that he just had to fall asleep now, or else the night would be long and excruciating.
*****
Haechan's lips were so soft and enticing, and the spent man looked adorable.
The duvet was down to your hips and your upper halves were exposed, when you lay in each other's arms, happily stroking each other and beaming of after glow.
Then you couldn't ignore the fact that you needed a bathroom break, and slowly whispered: โWhere are my clothes?โ
Haechan sat up and tried to help you. You reached out and stroke his back, and watched the shape of his ass in the dark when he got up.
He walked around and picked items off the floor and off the bed. You smiled when you saw his soft cock, and when he picked the condom up from a table by the side of the bed and put it in the trash.
The he returned to you, gave you whatever clothes he had been able to find, and you put your panties on under the covers while he stood next to the bed and pulled his underwear up.
He returned to bed in a t-shirt but with no pants. Meanwhile you got up, in your top but no bra underneath, scooting down slowly as not to disturb the sleeping friend over there.
You quietly left the room. Haechan lay on his back and stared at the ceiling, a hand behind his head and a faint smile on his face.
He was as far away from Chenle as possible. Your spot was in the middle and it was best to keep it that way.
Chenle could only agree, but he also hoped in the moment that you would never return. He wasn't sure if his heart could take it if you did.
โHaechan?โ he whispered and turned his head.
Haechan's heart jolted. โYeah?โ he whispered calmly.
โYou're fucking loud.โ
The man who just fucked you chuckled. โSorry,โ he mumbled, but he didn't sound very regretful.
When you returned, you stopped in the door and saw the two men in bed, both wide awake, two of your best friends. You quickly returned to the spot in the middle, and glanced at Chenle who was on his back.
He smiled at you. You smiled back and covered your body. He got out of bed, and you turned to Haechan to cuddle.
โHe heard?โ you asked.
โYup,โ Haechan said. Then you both giggled and embraced.
When Chenle returned you were all but asleep. You had drifted so far you barely noticed him crawling in. And then you passed out, with Haechan's chest pressed against your face, and a feeling of joy and content in your heart.
Chenle did manage to fall asleep too, eventually. Tomorrow, none of you would acknowledge what happened. But the relationship between you and Haechan had changed, and it wasn't the last time you slept together.
Next time, Chenle wouldn't be there. You spent increasingly much time alone with just the one of them. You always knew that maybe Chenle had feelings about that, but you didn't think too much about it because there was nothing you could do.
Your heart was Haechan's. And the fact that you gave him your virginity meant something. It was a natural part of growing up, and your friendship was still intact.
Chenle had no choice but to accept it, and the memory of that night was etched onto his brain. It became his go-to mental porn when he was alone and horny.
You felt really good about the future, and your first time really was great.
Happiest of all, however, was perhaps Haechan himself. He was ecstatic about what had happened, because he was never just horny at all.
He had a huge crush on you, always did. It was thanks to this night that you finally learned that.
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pairing eom seonghyeon x gn!reader contains sfw. fluff. established relationship. late night studio session. kissing. he's sleepy and a little clingy. sleepy kisses & taking care of your bf. warnings none. wordcount 1.7k
keukeu note ๐ฅฅ almost made him even clingier, but oh well. another one of your ideas @enha4cortis hehe
seonghyeon had been at the company building since early noon.
you knew this because his updates had slowly devolved over the course of the day.
practice rn
going to recording after this
i think producer hyung hates me
nvm he gave me candy ใ
the last message had arrived nearly an hour ago.
still at the studio
followed by:
i miss you :(
and honestly, that alone had been enough to get you out of the house.
now you were stepping out of the elevator on the seventh floor with a bag of takeout in one hand and your hood pulled low over your face.
the hallway was quieter than usual this late at night. most of the practice room lights had already been shut off, leaving only a faint glow spilling out beneath a few studio doors farther down the hall.
you adjusted your mask higher against your nose as you walked.
a staff member carrying a stack of folders passed by without sparing you more than a tired glance. apparently, someone wandering around the company building in an oversized hoodie at nearly midnight wasnโt unusual enough to question anymore.
honestly, that felt a little concerning.
the familiar sound of music leaking faintly through a familiar looking door told you exactly which studio seonghyeon was still hiding in.
you knocked once before carefully pushing the door open.
the studio was dim except for the glow of the monitors and the tiny LED lights lining the desk. empty drink cans and crumpled lyric sheets were scattered everywhere, making the entire room look like the aftermath of a small disaster.
seonghyeon himself was slumped forward in the rolling chair with a pair of headphones over his ears.
for a second, he didnโt notice you.
his attention stayed fixed on the computer screen, brows furrowed slightly in concentration while he replayed the same section of audio for what sounded like the hundredth time.
then you let the door click shut behind you. his head lifted immediately. and just like that, the exhaustion on his face softened.
โyou came,โ he said, pulling one side of the headphones off his ear.
โobviously.โ you lifted the takeout bag slightly. โyou sounded pathetic over text.โ
โi did not.โ
you raised an eyebrow.
his gaze flickered briefly toward the messages on his phone sitting beside the keyboard before he quietly reached over and flipped it face-down.
right. guilty.
a laugh slipped out of you as you walked further into the studio. the room looked exactly how you expected: dim lights, scattered lyric sheets, three empty iced americanos, and seonghyeon himself buried beneath oversized headphones and exhaustion.
โhave you eaten yet?โ you asked.
โprobably.โ
you stared at him. โโฆwhat does that even mean?โ
he shrugged lightly, already turning back toward the monitor. โi had candy earlier.โ
โthatโs not a meal.โ
โdebatable.โ
you set the takeout down beside his keyboard before reaching over to pause the track heโd been replaying for the last thirty seconds.
finally, he looked properly at you. his eyes lingered for just a second too long. and you recognized that look immediately.ย
the one that always appeared after long schedules and exhausting days. the one where he suddenly got quieter around you, like simply having you nearby was enough to make all the fatigue catch up to him at once.
โwhat is it?โ you asked softly.
โnothing.โ
liar.
you moved closer until your knees brushed his chair. โyou literally texted me saying you missed me.โ
โi was being dramatic.โ
โmhm.โ
his mouth twitched faintly, like he was fighting a smile.
you reached up to push his hair back from his forehead, fingers brushing lightly through the strands. the second your hand touched him, his eyes fluttered shut for half a second before reopening.
ah.
so he was that tired.
โyou should take a break,โ you murmured.
โcanโt.โ despite his words, he leaned unconsciously into your touch.
your fingers continued combing through his hair for another moment before you pulled your hand away. immediately, his brows furrowed slightly.
there it is again.
you hid your smile by turning toward the takeout bag. โeat first, then suffer over your music.โ
โwow,โ he deadpanned quietly behind you. โyouโre so supportive.โ
โโฆiโm literally feeding you.โ
โfine.โ
his chair creaked softly as he rolled back from the desk. even exhausted, he still tried to carry himself normally, stretching his arms over his head like he hadnโt been hunched over a computer for the last five hours.
the effect was ruined slightly by the way he nearly yawned halfway through it.
you snorted.
โdonโt laugh at me.โ
โyou look miserable.โ
โi am miserable.โ
you handed him one of the food containers, watching as he immediately perked up at the smell.
โoh,โ he blinked down at it. โwait, i love you.โ
โyou say that every time i bring you food.โ
โbecause you only visit me when iโm starving.โ
โmaybe if you acted like a functional human being, i wouldnโt have to.โ
he hummed absently, already taking a bite. and for a few minutes, the room settled into something quieter.
music played softly from the speakers while seonghyeon scrolled through files on the monitor between bites of food. every now and then heโd mumble something under his breath about lyrics or replay a section of audio with a tiny frown.
you watched him from the couch tucked against the wall. watched the way exhaustion sat heavily beneath his eyes. watched the way he kept rubbing at the back of his neck when he thought too hard. watched the way his attention drifted toward you every couple of minutes anyway.
eventually, his chair rolled across the floor toward you.
you looked up from your phone just in time for him to stop directly in front of the couch.
โโฆwhat?โ
โnothing.โ
he just sat there for a moment, staring at you with heavy-lidded eyes. then, with a quiet sigh, he pushed himself out of the chair and dropped onto the couch beside you.
immediately, he leaned against your side.
a quiet laugh escaped you. โyou lasted longer than i expected.โ
โwhat does that mean?โ
โyouโve been pretending you werenโt clingy for the last twenty minutes.โ
โiโm not clingy.โ despite his mumbled argument, one of his arms slid around your waist as he rested his head against your shoulder.
โโฆright.โ
a quiet huff left him, somewhere between offended and sleepy.
โyou literally rolled across the room to get to me,โ you added.
โmaybe i was cold.โ
โyouโre wearing three layers.โ
there was a brief pause before he muttered quietly, โโฆemotionally.โ
that earned a proper laugh from you this time, soft enough to make his expression loosen.
for a second, neither of you said anything.
he just stayed tucked against your side, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing against your waist beneath the fabric of your hoodie. then his gaze drifted downward. to your mouth.
the movement was subtle enough that you almost missed it. almost.ย
slowly, very slowly, his arm around you tightened.ย
โyou know,โ he said quietly, โi was serious earlier.โ
โabout what?โ
โmissing you.โ
the teasing tone from before was gone now. completely.
something in your chest softened immediately. your hand came up to brush lightly through his hair again, and the way his eyes fluttered shut for a brief second almost gave him away entirely.
โcome here,โ you murmured.
he didnโt hesitate this time. one hand slid up to cup your jaw while the other stayed firm around your waist, pulling you closer until you were practically halfway in his lap. his lips met yours softly at first, tired more than anything else.
like heโd been wanting this all day.
the quiet sigh that left him against your mouth made your stomach flip.
he kissed you again slower this time, lingering just enough to make your chest ache. his thumb brushed gently along your jaw while your fingers slipped into his hair, and the second you scratched lightly against his scalp, his grip around your waist tightened.
a small sound escaped him before he could stop it. you felt him smile a little against your lips afterward, embarrassed and entirely too pleased at the same time.
and honestly? you let him. his lips were warm against yours, despite how cold his hands felt on your waist.
for a moment, he kissed you like heโd forgotten about everything else entirely. the unfinished demo. the long day. the producer outside somewhere in the hallway.
and even after the kiss softened, he didnโt really pull away. every time there was even an inch of space between you, heโd close it again instinctively. one more slow kiss, one more lingering touch against your mouth.
eventually, seonghyeon pulled away just enough to rest his forehead against yours.
his breathing was uneven. so was yours, probably. and for a long moment, neither of you spoke.
the soft music still playing from the speakers filled the silence while his thumb continued brushing absentmindedly against your waist, like he couldnโt quite bring himself to let go yet.
thenโ
a loud knock against the studio door.
both of you froze instantly.
โseonghyeon?โ a producerโs voice called from outside. โare you still alive in there?โ
he closed his eyes in visible disappointment. you bit your lip hard to stop yourself from laughing.
โone second,โ he called back, voice noticeably rougher than before. silence lingered outside the door for a moment.
โโฆwhy do you sound like that?โ the producer asked suspiciously.
your entire body jerked with suppressed laughter while seonghyeon stared at the ceiling like this was personally ruining his life.
โiโm sick,โ he answered immediately. you had to bury your face into his shoulder to stop yourself from making noise.
another pause.
โโฆright,โ came the deeply unconvinced response. โanyway, finish the demo before you die.โ
footsteps faded down the hallway. the second they disappeared completely, seonghyeon dropped his head against your shoulder with a long groan.
โwe almost got caught.โ
โyou almost got caught,โ you corrected.
he lifted his head just enough to squint at you. โwow. no loyalty.โ
you grinned and his expression softened almost immediately afterward.
โdonโt leave yet.โ he mumbled quietly.
and honestly?
with the way he was still looking at youโฆ hair messy, lips pink from kissing, exhaustion written all over his faceโฆ there was no way you were going anywhere anytime soon.
ยฉyoung2keu, 2026
๐ฅฅ is typing...
ok drafts are actually empty now...
i'll come back when some new inspiration takes the wheel..
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warnings: smut, mdni, p in v penetration, unprotected sex, daddy kink, teasing, spanking, pussy spanking, face slapping, humiliation, finger sucking, dirty talk, sex toys. bondage, anal, painal, fingering, oral, size kink, dumbification, spot kink, piss kink, golden shower, free use, crying, begging, backshots, cum shots, filming, mentions of leaking sex tapes, rough sex, hard dom!127. lmk if i missed any
summary: hard dom!127
requested!
johnny:
โข huge daddy kink, whenever heโs in the mood heโs calling himself daddy, riling you up, and when he finally has you where he wants you, he smirks wickedly as you scream the name.
โข big on spankings, whether itโs for punishment, humiliation or just for pleasure, he just loves to have you bent over his knee as his hand comes smacking down over your ass until itโs red raw and bruising
โข size kink!! loves over powering you and being able to have you however and wherever, just lifting you up and taking you how he wants.
โข very vocal, this man loves to talk, and itโs always so vulgar. โfucking take it, thatโs it youโre just my little fuck doll huh?โ โoh you canโt take it? thatโs too badโ โawe baby it hurts? thatโs the pointโ โwhoโs my pretty cum dump? thatโs right, you areโ โdonโt run from it baby, just take it like a good girlโ
โข uses a lot of toys on you, vibrators, dildos, pussy pump you name it. his favourite is the pussy pump. โlook at that~ pussyโs getting all nice and puffy, poor cunt is gonna be so sensitiveโ when he pulls the pump off with a pop heโs spreading your folds to admire just how swollen you are down there, the slightest touch has you whimpering from sensitivity. โfuckโฆ look at that, itโs so shiny and pink baby girlโ
โข heโs such a tease hands roaming your body, almost where you need him, laughing when you try and move your hips to catch his fingers, prompting him to slap your thighs hard โsaid stay fucking still, you move again iโll tie you up and leave you in here aloneโ
taeyong:
โข a lot of bondage, he doesnโt want you going anyway or trying to push him away, mostly silks and ribbons, fluffy handcuffs and spreader bars
โข he has an evil smile and that unhinged look behind his eyes, โlook so pretty tied up like this sweetheart, so helplessโ gets off on you being completely at his mercy, constantly reminding you you canโt get away โlook at you trying to get away, so silly, where you gonna go? youโre cuffed up for a reasonโ
โข he has a lot of pet names for you, varying from sweet and sickly to purely wicked โoh honeybun youโre struggling so much huh?โ โlisten, slut you know youโre just my fuck doll, so stop squirming, or am i gonna have to tie those ankles to the headboard? keep your legs spreadโ
โข big finger sucking guy! especially when heโs hitting it from the back, his long slender fingers snaking in front of you, pushing past your lips as you choke on moans, wants to give you something to really choke on. โthatโll shut you upโ you hum against his fingers, drool seeping down his knuckles and wrist. โmessy fucking girlโ
yuta:
โข another bondage truther, except he uses gags instead of his fingers. โshut your fucking mouth and take itโ not like you have a choice, hog tied and gagged. yuta loves watching you struggle
โข real nasty, spitting all over you and in your mouth, after heโs finished fingering you and youโve squirted, heโll pull back, spitting down a hot glob of his spit onto your pussy and gives your clit a small spank before heโs standing up and fumbling with the opening of his pants.
โข lots of degrading, loves to take pictures and film you, laughing manically when youโre screaming and crying. โyouโre gonna get us a noise complaint slutโ
โข possessive asf. constantly asking who you belong to, who your pussy belongs to, โwhat are you?โ โyโ ah!โ โi asked you a questionโ he pulls you by the hair, bringing your back flush against his chest โwhat the fuck are you?โ โyour cum dump daddyโฆโ hums in approval โthatโs right, and this is my pussy yeah?โ โyes!โ โwhole body belongs to me, donโt ever forgetโ
โข heโs so gross, definitely has a piss kink, loves to give you golden showers as punishment, pissing down on you like youโre absolutely nothing, soaking you, then makes you open your mouth for him. โopen your mouth pet, drink upโ
doyoung:
โข big brat tamer. really loves when you act up because it means he can really go to town. pulling you close as you walk out the door of the restaurant from dinner โhope youโre happy with yourself, youโre fucked when we get homeโ
โข big denial guy, his punishments consist of holding vibrators up to your clit, following your movements when your hips try and get away, fingering you and leaving you begging to cum, stuffing you with a dildo and bringing his hand down to spank the base so you feel it deep inside you, spankings with paddles or hairbrushes.
โข he also has a lot of whips, he really makes you regret being a brat. he has rules for a reason, and when you break them, heโs going to break you.
โข โwhat did daddy tell you huh? you just love trouble donโt you sweetheart?โ has you screaming and crying, begging for forgiveness and for his hips to let up, but it only makes him drill into you faster, doesnโt care if you have both came 3 times already, he will overstimulate himself if it means you get whatโs coming to you.
โข has you in positions that will have your muscles screaming for days after as a reminder that he owns you, and that he will break everything about you if you act up again. and of course in your dumb bratty brain you listen and obey him for a week before youโre back to stressing him out.
jaehyun:
โข he is taking what he wants when he wants, youโre his free use slut, doesnโt need to ask. just coming up to you, pulling your hair, the look in his eyes dark and scary โget on your kneesโ
โข one of his rules is you canโt touch yourself, and you obey as much as you can, but you find loop holes. one day he woke up to you using his hand to get yourself off while he slept, watched you through hooded eyes as you struggled to rut against his relaxed fingers before he speaks up. โso fucking desperate baby, if you needed your cunt touched so bad couldโve woke me upโ โiโ daddy iโm sorry, pleaseโ
โข rolling over and using his fingers on you again, but with more purpose,, tells you not to touch, already done enough of that with his limp hand, rubs your clit, spreading your arousal over your folds, โyouโre fucking lucky baby, think your clever using daddyโs hand so you donโt get in trouble huh?โ he sees you bite your lip and nod yes โfucking dumb girl, only thinks with this huh?โ pinches your clit hard making you twitch and whine out
โข loves making you go dumb on him, slurring out incoherent half sentences, just mumbling the word daddy over and over. he just loves seeing the mascara run down your cheeks and your lips get all wet and puffy from all the spit and crying.
โข his thrusts are always extremely deep, hard and fast. only really slows down when heโs punishing you or planning to edge you, but even he can admit heโs desperate to feel you fall apart on him so he doesnโt hold himself back often.
jungwoo:
โข anal truther sorry i dont make the rules. he loves fingering your ass, plugging you up or stuffing his fat cock in your asshole. subconscious painal kink, tells you to just breath through the burn, even if he had you plugged up the stretch around his cock is something unlike anything else. โi know it hurts, just take it, will feel so good in a minute, just breathe n let me fuck youโ fucks your ass more than your pussy.
โข he teases you a lot just to get you worked up then teases you for how easy you are. โare you serious? humping against my thigh just cause i winked at you and pulled your hair? fuck you are so easyโ
โข calls you a slut all the time with how quickly you get turned on. โfucking slut, doesnโt take much does it? always ready to get fucked is that right?โ you whine and pull at his hand tighter โmhmโฆ pleaseโฆโ gives into you, but is very rough to prove his point.
โข a lot a lot a lot of laughing at you while your spread out crying, writhing around on the bed, covered in bruises and hickeys, his cum is splattered across your body. his punishment is always pulling out, he knows you crave his cum inside you more than anything, so he always denies you of that, โcanโt believe youโre gonna make me waste this baby, itโs gonna be so much i can feel it, and you canโt even keep itโ
โข when he cums over your body you know better than to touch it or try lick some up, he will literally not touch you for days maybe weeks if you go against his wishes.
mark:
โข oh heโs making you beg for everything. wonโt touch you at all unless youโre begging. you want attention? beg for it, you want his kisses? beg for them, you want his hands all over you? beg for his touch, you want his dick? you better get down on those knees and chant for him
โข very stern, uses his strength on you a lot, pushing you down back on the bed when you try and chase his movements, or using his feet to kick you back down on your knees after youโve just finished sucking him off โdid i say move? didnโt think soโ
โข another one who likes anal, whenever you bend over his lap to suck him off his fingers are dipping lower over your lower back, bringing his fingers to his lips to lube them up before heโs pushing inside your tight hole, grunting at just how tight the squeeze is just around one finger.
โข big on rules but not as strict with them as jaehyun, if he finds you touching yourself or getting yourself off in some way, he just pulls whatever youโre using away with his strong arms. makes you beg obviously to take over, telling you that you know better, all you have to do is ask him nicely and he wouldโve helped you get off.
haechan:
โข always has that shit eating grin on his face, he can be real mean, spanks your pussy, slaps your face, spits on you, degrades you pulls your hair, drags you around.
โข manhandles you a lot. lifting you up and dropping you on his dick when he makes you ride him. pulling your head down flush against his pelvis as you choke on his dick, pushes your legs up impossibly high, ankles practically around your neck.
โข a lot of dirty talk. โpussy is drooling so much for me, you want it so bad huh?โ when you nod helplessly heโs slapping your face, hand coming up to grab your cheeks harshly โuse your fucking words greedy girlโ โyes! want it so much!โ
โข loves hearing you beg, fuels his ego, not that he needs it. heads big enough as it is just looking at how desperate you are for him, body giving it all away before your words do, but that doesnโt stop him.
โข so much teasing and devastating foreplay that lasts hours before heโs finally giving you what you want. โlook at you begging for my dick like a whore, humping my fingers like a bitch in heat, iโm not even doing anything, just riding my hand like a slut huhโ
โข films himself as heโs hitting it from the back, sounds of you crying and screaming, as well as your loud wet pussy filling the room and the mic pics it all up โtalk back to me like that again my group chat is gonna see you getting bred like a muttโฆ fuck did you just clench?โ
โเญจเญงโ Give them reasons they CAN'T be together that aren't just manufactured drama. Not miscommunication. Not love triangles. Not arbitrary "I push people away" trauma with no real exploration. Give them REAL obstacles: they're on opposite sides of a conflict, timing is wrong, there are actual consequences to being together, they have incompatible life goals, there's a power imbalance they need to resolve first. The obstacles should be meaningful and require actual character growth to overcome, not just a conversation.
โเญจเญงโ Make the friendship foundation SO STRONG that readers ship them before the romance even starts. They should genuinely LIKE each other. They should have inside jokes. They should seek each other out just to hang out. They should trust each other. They should have fun together. When the romantic feelings start developing, it should feel like "oh no, I don't want to ruin this friendship" because the friendship is genuinely valuable. Readers should be able to believe they'd still choose to be in each other's lives even if romance never happened.
โเญจเญงโ Let the tension BUILD in layers over time. First they notice each other. Then they start seeking excuses to be near each other. Then they start getting jealous. Then they start having Moments. Then they start thinking about each other constantly. Then comes the almost-kisses. Then the accidental intimacy. Then the barely-hidden feelings. Each phase should have time to breathe before moving to the next level. Slow burn means SLOW - readers should be desperate for them to get together LONG before they actually do.
โเญจเญงโ Show how they change each other gradually. He starts smiling more because of her. She becomes braver because he believes in her. They adopt each other's habits and phrases. They start to see the world differently because of the other person's influence. Slow burn is about showing two people gradually becoming essential to each other's lives. They should be woven into each other's character development, not separate from it.
โเญจเญงโ Make the payoff WORTH the wait. After chapters or books of tension, the moment they finally get together should be EARNED and SATISFYING. A CONVERSATION where they're finally honest. A moment where they choose each other despite the obstacles. A confession that feels like a dam breaking. The first kiss should feel like the conclusion of a long journey and the beginning of something new. Readers have been waiting for this, so make it count. Make it feel like YES, THIS WAS WORTH IT.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
โ Live Streamingโ Interactive Chatโ Private Showsโ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
this is probably the most pathetic thing he's ever done in his life. chenle is convinced that he's never studied anything in his life, and here he is, in a study group, trying to sound as smart as everyone else. maybe that way he can show off how much he knows, maybe that way you'll want to ask him something. either way, it's irrelevant because youโre not asking him anything. you're completely absorbed in your book and his little trick has backfired; everyone wants to know his opinion on the subject being studied except you, sitting just inches away from him, on the other side of the table, without even looking at him.
it was a bad idea, you should have paid more attention to your notes... if you had remembered to take notes. now all you can do is ask for help from the last person you'd want to ask for help. it's not that you dislike haechan, but you've heard he's a bit arrogant and sarcastic; you don't want him to turn your silly questions into the laughing stock of the class until you graduate. in reality, you're afraid for yourself. you get a terrible and unexpected surprise when you see that he hasn't said a word during the entire study session, let alone made fun of you; he answers all your questions until you're sure you understand. how strange, you might even think he's nervous, but you must be misreading him.
mark lee is a bit absent-minded, and you know it for a fact. every time you have class with him, the teacher keeps asking him to pay attention to the blackboard. maybe he gets distracted very easily, or maybe he finds some subjects boring. you can't help but feel a little offended, since he only does this in your favorite classes, where you raise your hand and sometimes give your opinion on the topic. he hasn't been trying lately, and you're starting to get annoyed that the teacher always has to interrupt what he's saying to call his name. finally, you decide to turn around and see how important whatever it is that's distracting him must be, but when you do, your eyes meet his, and he looks at you. he just looks at you.
jeno doesn't think he's ever picked up a book in his life, but he's joined a book club. he still doesn't like reading, by the way, but he admits that he likes other things. for example, he likes bringing you coffee, he likes saving you a seat, he likes hearing you talk about your favorite book... even though you have a different one every day; he can't believe you finish thick volumes in a day. he likes to accompany you to the bookstore and he especially likes it when everyone else declines a session at the last minute, because then the world shrinks down to just the two of you, sitting on a sofa, with him pretending to read and you using his shoulder to get comfortable, making his heart race a little, making you laugh softly.
renjun, the boy you're mentoring, doesn't seem to need your help at all. but just to confirm, you decide to play dumb and give him a complex quiz. ha! he thought he could fool you. what bet did he make that he has to do this? or maybe he wants someone to study with, in which case he could have asked you. you might have refused, but why would he pretend he needs tutoring when he's clearly smarter than you? playing a joke or wanting to be friends with the one everyone excludes, without knowing that you do it deliberately and on purpose. maybe you're not as smart as you think you are, because if you were, you would know right away what his eyes are trying to tell you.
jisung will soon lose his mind if you keep getting closer to see his notesโฆ he would lose his mind with anything you do at this point, though. it's not like he's smarter than you; he doubts that quite a bit. you're the brightest person he's ever met. you agreed to help him with his notes, but that means you want to see his notebook all the time to make sure he's doing well. he really, really appreciates it, but he's starting to think it was a bad idea. he could do something stupid and then he'd look like an idiot in front of you and then he would lose his mind. he doesn't know which is worse anymore. he's about to lose it, he's even started sweating, until he looks at you watching him before you laugh again, implying that you've been doing it on purpose and that you know you make him nervous, because he likes you.
debate classes have started to annoy you. mentally preparing yourself and trying to stay calm are your mantra every time you have to face him. jaemin na. always smart, always a genius, always calm. it irritates you greatly how little you provoke him because he provokes you. you regret wanting to be the best at everything; you wouldn't mind being second best if he weren't so insufferable about it. he rubs it in your face every chance he gets, and then comes up with a smirk and tries to shake your hand as if he hadn't just infuriated you. you admit that you might not even know his name if he weren't in first place, but you also suspect that he knows it too.
philophobia, n. - a fear of love, or falling in love [an NCT fic]
as a rich, socialite party girl queen bee, youโre, honestly, a spoiled brat who gets whatever and whoever she wants. enter two boys who want something from you that you never planned to give up any time soon.
playlist: here (full credit to @hyungjunjpg)
ask the characters tag: here
table of contents;
teaser //ย one (particular taste) > part two, part three // two (thereโs nothing holding me back)ย > part two // three (kid in love)ย > part two // four (nervous) // five (fallinโ all in you) > part two // six (lights on) // seven (where were you in the morning?) // eight (lost in japan / no promises / why) // nine (like to be you) // ten (queen) // eleven (ruin) // twelve (i need it / because i had you / three empty words) // thirteen (mutual)ย // fourteen (perfectly wrong)ย // fifteen (when youโre ready) // sixteen (crazy)ย // epilogue (never be alone)