Not for Open Mic 🎤

This may be the first time I've come home from a day with GF actually feeling the normal post date feelings. Feeling warm and floaty, recharged and satisfied, already looking forward to the next time. 

Before today there had been a block. Part of it was me not being completely in touch with my sexuality again yet. Part of it was me not believing that anyone could love me. Part of it was feeling that compared to her other partners, I must be the least sexually competent. Because it had been such a long time since I had been with a woman, because I never been with a woman sexually in a way that became regular enough that we were able to build any sort of sexual relationship. 

But today I did something that put the last of my concerns about being sexually incompetent away. It also put my concerns about not being able to thrust Non-Stop indefinitely with my hand. 

I gave her an orgasm using only my mouth. It was pretty surprising, I'm not going to lie. I was just down there to get things started, but I guess that was all it took. 

I don't consider myself talented in the sexual arts. I always assumed my popularity was due to my enthusiasm for the activity, rather than any actual skill. 

But she has now told me not once, not twice, but thrice that I give “great head”. I'll take it! 

After that we had lunch. I made a sandwich and she had some crackers and other random stuff she found around the kitchen. Then we got ready to go to the beach. 

The beach was nice. There were a great deal of wooden steps leading down to the beach. I want to say approximately 100, but that is what I always estimate, and maybe I'm not good at estimating. Let's just say it was a lot of stairs for me to commit to going down, because that meant I was also committing to going back up. #spoonie 🥄

When we got down to the beach, we laid out our towels. GF wanted to lay down so I did the same. We lay beside each other with our hands touching, rolling over once. 

When we noticed the tide getting close, we decided we should pack up and go. I had taken an Uber to her house this morning so she was going to give me a ride home, but then she had a talk scheduled with one of her kids, and after that a date with another partner. 

On the climb back up the stairs, GF carried my bag. She also stopped with me for breaks when I stopped to catch my breath, and rubbed my back. 

On the drive home, we exchanged some dirty words. She pulled in where we’d be sheltered from the house so we could kiss (I don't want my kids knowing I'm dating until it's becoming a partnership), then I told her I hope she has fun tonight and actually meant it. 

Usually I’d be neutral on the subject. 

I've never felt compersion. The most I can feel is a somewhat curious indifference. For anyone that doesn't know, compersion is a polyamory term that means you feel happiness when you see your partner being happy with someone else romantically. Feeling it is sort of a badge of honour, and you're kind of considered a better poly person if you feel it than if you don't. But do I feel a rush of joy anytime I see my friend with her husband or when I see my cousin with his girlfriend? No, I do not. So maybe I'm just not a person who feels joy because of other people's romantic relationships. Is that possible? I feel like it's possible LOL 

Anyway I'm getting off the point 

I came home feeling really good 

That's making me look forward to the next time I'm going to see her, which I normally am not planning already, right after I've just seen her…

I feel a sort of…fire in my chest. Like the glowing pink hearts on Jane the Virgin. It just feels like every time we're together it gets better. We were in a holding pattern for a while, but the past month and a half things between us have really deepened. We've seen each other a lot more at social events and stuff too, which also helps. We hold hands during these events, we put our arms around each other, we kiss. Yes, she's also doing that with other people there. And no, it doesn't really bother me. 

Oh, and she loved the scarf with the birds on it that I got her. She really lit up when she saw it and she gave me a bunch of kisses. 

Nude Pics and RV Dreams

Is ethical non-monogamy what I really, truly want? Does it feel like what I need? Does it feel like the only thing I can have? 

I've experienced jealousy over my partners’ experiences with other people. I've also had really fulfilling experiences in non-monogamy. 

My girlfriend is currently packing up a hotel room with her girlfriend, and heading home. Assuming they got a late check out. This morning she got an email inbox from me, filled with topless photos I took of her when we went camping just a couple of days ago. She thanked me profusely and said they were the best birthday gift ever. That felt amazing. I just have her other birthday gift sitting here in my bedroom, and I probably won't be able to give it to her until the day after her birthday because she is driving to see her daughter today and they won't be home until late. 

It doesn't hurt me that she has relationships with other people. At least, I don't think that's what hurts me. Her relationship with Frenchie (who she's at the hotel with) in particular bothers me, but I can't ever let her know that. 

I think what bothers me the most is feeling like for her, I'm just one of many. But for me she is it. And I understand I haven't made a choice for her to be it. She's it because I simply haven't found another girlfriend yet. 

The thing about Frenchie is, she became my GF’s best friend first. They bonded over the fact that they were single moms, they started helping each other out with single mom stuff. Because they were just friends and not lovers, my GF made herself available  in ways that she wouldn't make herself available to her lovers, because she doesn't want to be a emotionally responsible for a lover but with French didn't feel a sense of responsibility so she was able to just be there and support through their feelings. GF has canceled plans with me to drive Frenchie's child to work— I'm sorry, that's primary partner stuff right there, as much as GF likes to say that she is a relationship Anarchist and has no primary partner. If someone else's kid needs a ride somewhere and you are going to cancel with me so that you can make that happen, that person's a primary partner. 

And that was all before they had sex. Now you add in sex, and they are just completely together in a very serious relationship. 

I used to be on par with GF’s other two girlfriends. She told me she had the same level of commitment to all three of us. Well that is no longer true, now that there's someone else who's automatically above us. 

And I know it's not good to think of things in a hierarchy, but there is one. If someone else's plans are automatically more important than my plans with you, that is a hierarchy. So I keep looking on apps and in groups and in person and at events to find my anchor person. 

Because I always knew GF wouldn't be that person for me. As much as I enjoy her, and as much as I'm loving getting to have the experience of finally having a girlfriend at the age of 40, I knew this wouldn't turn into a real partnership. I guess what upsets me is that she just fell ass backward into a very serious partnership with somebody else, after claiming all this time that she didn't want one. 

I just have to get over it. So it's back to the apps with me. 

But do I want this life, really? I keep coming back to the answer being “yes”. Could I feel safer and more secure, if I had one person I loved and I knew they loved me and only me? But having only one person to rely on when things go wrong is not a good idea. It's simply not good family planning. Poor home economics lol.

 I want Many Loves. Maybe it's because the people I've chosen to lean on in my life have been so unreliable and so unpredictable and so unsafe for me to trust, but I feel like having only one partner is asking for trouble. 

Even if everyone is perfectly responsible, what's going to happen when one of you is in the hospital with your legs broken? Who's going to sit by your bedside while the other works so that you can continue to have a roof over your heads? Wouldn't having an extra person or even two or three extra people in a situation like that make a huge difference? Like right now, I'm trying to get this RV renovated so I can have a place to bring women so I can actually have a shot at having a normal romantic life. If I had two other partners it wouldn't matter that my platonic partner is too exhausted and broken to help follow through on the renovations he started with me, and that the other is too weak and unskilled. I'm sure one of my girlfriends would know how to use a socket wrench to pull those freaking seats out of the RV. 

Many hands make light work. It takes a village to raise a child. If you want to go fast go alone, but if you want to go far go together. These are basically my philosophies on life. That is why I'm ethically non-monogamous. That is why I want more than one girlfriend. I don't just want a relationship, I want to build a whole life. 

I just got back from camping with my girlfriend. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was a nice time. It wasn't perfect. Things went wrong, but we handled them. My bladder hung on through the night, which was my major concern. She carried all the heavy things because she likes to play “Boyfriend.” I don't hate it. She was also wearing a ball cap and boys high top sneakers, so giving major masc. energy. I did not hate that either. 

I'm a photographer. The first time we slept together, I told her I wanted to shoot her nude. I meant in a bed, or maybe a bath tub or the shower. She wanted it to be outside. In her secluded backyard? In our friend's yard during their sauna party? No. At the campground, in the woods. 

The woods were lovely dark and deep, but they were also scattered with campsites with people staying on them. We didn't find a place where we felt comfortable with her being completely nude, but we did find a cute little nook where I got some shots of her in her bikini, some with her pulling down the straps, and some with the bikini top gone all together. 

I think a topless photo shoot was a good compromise. Her birthday is coming up in just a couple of days so I am going to edit the photos and give them to her as part of her birthday present. I'm also hoping to bring her a cupcake. So all together she would be getting the photos, the scarf I bought her with her favorite birds on it, and the cupcake. 

Camping together felt strange. It was my first overnight date with a woman. Ever.

We were unplugged and away from the stresses of home. We went on a walk that turned into more of a hike than either of us had anticipated. 

We sat by the fire pit holding hands. She read me an erotic short story by Anais Nin. We made s'mores and they were delicious. 

We had a foam mattress setup in the back of my SUV with the seats folded down. It was as comfortable as any bed, and way better than an air mattress. We spent some time in the afternoon just laying together. At night we got to have sex without worrying about one of our kids knocking on the door. There was a chance someone might have banged on the  car door and complained, but that was still better than one of our kids knocking on the bedroom door! We had the windows covered so no one could see in.

What can I say about sex right now? It's like only part of me is present for it. I don't know if the pain that it causes to do so much thrusting is the problem. I don't know if I'm just having a hard time getting out of my head— sometimes my mind just races. Maybe I was on alert because for the past few years every romantic getaway has had something really bad happen that ruined it, and maybe part of me was waiting for that thing to happen. I don't know. Maybe it's perimenopause and I need to go see someone. I at least want to rule it out as a possibility, or find that it is the reason so that I can do something about my hormones. Maybe I am just completely exhausted. 

I always make sure she has a screaming orgasm though, regardless of how I am feeling. She said she comes with me faster than with any of her other partners. It's like when we went hiking yesterday— I went fast because it hurt, and I just wanted to get to the top 😅🤐 

I miss the way I used to be about sex. I miss being insatiable, I miss having  powerful sexual energy others could sense, I miss actually being able to enjoy sex instead of being stuck in my thoughts. I miss thinking about sex throughout the day, not just when someone is here to have sex with me. I wonder how much of my brokenness right now is due to the fallout of my last relationship. Towards the last years of that relationship, having a sexual appetite was not safe. And throughout my entire relationship with my children's father, having a sexual appetite was not safe. 

But I continued to have one throughout those relationships. And now that they're over and I can explore, now my sexual appetite decides that it's done? Maybe it just doesn't want me to get hurt again. God knows I don't want to get hurt again. But I can have a great sex life without investing emotionally, I know that I can. I've done it before. 

I guess I could try to write more erotica, maybe that would help. 

So: camping went well. I like my girlfriend. There was no fight or any relationship stress during the 24 hours we just spent together. Might seem like a pretty low bar, but if you know what I've been through, you would understand how important that is for my nervous system to see that I can actually go away with somebody, and come back without scars. 

My Sexual Energy / appetite continue to confound and elude me. Even sometimes at home by myself with a vibrator. It really does feel like my vaginal walls are thinner. I'm definitely going to have to talk to a doctor about that. 

I did a fun sexy photo shoot. 

I need to sex up my life in order to raise my sexual energy. 

How do I feel about my girlfriend? I like her and she's fun to hang out with. I don't remember the date of our first date or even when we started seeing each other. I'm going to have to go back through my Tumblr or my calendar and try to figure it out. So that kind of shows you how not seriously I was taking it at the beginning. 

She says her commitment to me is on par with her other girlfriends, but then she has her BEST friend who she's about to begin a sexual relationship with, and they really lean on each other a lot for life stuff because they're both single moms, so it will be like they are in a really serious relationship right off the bat. 

I got to have birthday sex! A week ago I would have told you it wasn't going to happen, and I was really struggling with that/trying to find anyone on Tinder, man, woman or NB who would have sex with me on my birthday. 

But The Scientist’s plans changed, and she told me to come over in the morning for some birthday sex, so I snuck the spare key out from under the rock on her front porch, snuck up the stairs past the couch where one of her children was sleeping, and into her bedroom where we stripped. She used the strap-on on me, two different dicks, one after the other. I've never been with a man with interchangeable penises.  There are benefits to using a strap on 😏

She said “I can't believe I'm the lucky bastard that gets to give you birthday sex.”

That is exactly what I've been looking for. Someone who sees my desire as something they are delighted to fulfill, not a burden or obligation.

I turn 41 tomorrow. This has been one hell of a year. My 40th birthday was rough. I went out of town with my then-boyfriend of 10 years, and we fought the whole time. I felt invisible. I felt misunderstood. I cried. 

I wish I could say this was an exception, but the fact of the matter is I have a record for having extraordinarily shitty birthdays, going all the way back to childhood.

I can admit that now my birthday has become a trigger. I start to get agitated before the day even comes, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I feel best when no one knows it's my birthday. Like I don't have my birthday announced on facebook. I've had jobs at different workplaces or taking classes at different schools, where I haven't told people when it's my birthday, I've just let it pass. I try to keep the celebration small– to just the family I live with. I have learned that lesson the hard way. If you invite other people, they have the ability to turn you down. It can be incredibly lonely sitting there on your birthday with just your immediate family when you've invited other people to join you, so I decided to no longer invite other people. 

This year is different from last year in a fundamental way. Jack and I aren't a couple anymore. Being platonic co-parenting partners has changed things. On the plus side, we don't fight nearly as much. 

But I was feeling pretty stressed out because this was going to be my first birthday in my adulthood that I was single. My birthday is kind of a time capsule of my life at the moment. And not having a partner on my birthday feels emblematic of my life as a whole. 

I want birthday sex. I said it. I can't think of a birthday that I've had since I was first married at age 21 where not having sex has resulted in me doing anything but crying myself to sleep. 

So this past week I have flipped the switch on my Tinder account to include men. I have zero desire to ever have a relationship with another man for the rest of my life, but when what I'm looking for is just to be banged, if I'm craving being thrown around a room, I don't need to be picky. I also wrote on FetLife that I need to be tossed around like a rag doll. 

I have yet to get a single hit on Tinder, and I'm pretty sure my account has been shadowbanned because I tried to change my age, because it's been 6 months and I haven't had one match. 

I also have two dates coming up, one is a second date and another one is a first date. One is tonight, so one day before my birthday, unlikely to end in birthday sex although this person is incredibly attracted to me. She's been very clear about that. The other one is on Monday, so past my birthday. 

Last night The Scientist and I had tickets to a show, which she wanted to make my birthday celebration since she wasn't going to be available on my birthday. So the show is great, we both loved it . We went out for dinner afterwards. For my birthday she had bought me this cute vest top with little cameras all over it, which was so funny because I happened to be wearing a dress that had cameras all over it, that she had never seen before. 

On the way home in the car she said, “I feel like someone should be giving you birthday sex!” 

I agreed, because boy do I agree. Hence the desperate swiping on Tinder. But on my birthday she was going to be picking up her daughter from out of town and then bringing her back home for family time. 

Last night I told Jack that The  Scientist said somebody should be giving me birthday sex and he got all weird and clammed up. Of course. But this morning I got a text message saying that she can see me on my birthday after all, because her daughter doesn't need to be picked up until late afternoon. 

So while all of her still-at-home children are sleeping on the morning of my birthday, I'm going to sneak over to her place for a little morning sex. At least that's the plan. Let's hope Frenchie doesn't have another “emergency” that stops me from being able to go over there in the morning, otherwise it will be pretty clear to me that the first time was on purpose. 

This is my birthday, and if she tries to sabotage it by making up a fake emergency that The Scientist has to tend to, I am going to be extremely pissed. 

But... I left out the best part. While we were at the theater, The Scientist referred to us as a couple. It felt really good and true. I can't wait to see her tomorrow morning. 

If I've never said this before in as many words, it's only because it should be obvious: I don't want to fight over a woman. Yet it seems as though that might be what I'm unwittingly doing. It's a cold war, and of course the entire thing could be in my head. I could be the only one for whom this is on their radar. Of course that could be true. 

I asked The Scientist to come see an Off-Broadway musical with me. We'd been planning on going as a group with people from open mic, but then The Scientist and I both decided we weren't going because the tickets were too expensive. I don't know what anyone else decided as far as going or not going. 

Then, my family gave me two tickets as an early birthday present, so I asked The Scientist to come with me. She said yes and she was so excited. Then her girlfriend, Kingpin apparently asked her if Kingpin could come with us. 

Say whaaaa–? 

I'm sorry, this is my birthday gift, and we are going on a date. We have good seats and there are no more available around us. Thankfully I didn't have to say any of that, because we realized that they were going to be out of town the weekend we have the tickets anyway. 

But I have a feeling there will be some resentment for the fact that the scientists saw it with me and not with Kingpin. Even though The Scientist was never going to see it with Kingpin because it was too expensive. 

This evening I'm deciding whether to go out for a dance night at the lesbian bar. I've always leaned towards no, it's not really my thing. But the Scientist might be going, and besides that I am looking for a girlfriend and people to have sex with. I need to get out there, and a kinky party where everyone's all sweaty and sexy is a good way of doing that. 

But here's the thing– the scientist coming is based on what time her erotically charged BFF, Frenchie, leaves The Scientist’s home tonight. And if Frenchie knows that if she leaves early that means The Scientist is going to go to a sexy dance party with me, then she simply won't leave, so that that doesn't happen. 

Like I said, I could just be making all of this stuff in my head. It's possible that nobody is thinking about any of these things at all. 

We'll see how it all unfolds… but I'll be surprised if I see The Scientist there tonight. On top of all that there's all the other drama between Mercury and Girlfriend Number Three, that has nothing to do with me thank goodness. 

So I don't feel like going to this thing. I'm in a lot of pain in my calves, and my feet in particular are killing me, not great for dancing. The dance floor is tiny and people are all crushed up against each other so you can barely move, which sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. Like riding a packed bus. It's just not my scene. 

But apparently the 30 plus people usually arrive at around 7:00 to claim the back table, and then we kind of have the table for the whole night and sit down and stand up and do whatever from there whenever we want. So that would be okay. And it's not uncommon for one of the 30 plus people to come at 7:00 and be at home in bed by 10:00, so I've decided that 10:00 is my cap for tonight. I don't want to stay out later than that, especially with Jack driving me. He is a great former partner. He spent a good part of his afternoon finishing installing the soundproof tiles in my bedroom, so I can have women over without freaking out my kids. I think he deserves a trophy. 🏆 

It's not so much that I'm only going to see The Scientist. It's more so that seeing her would make being there worth it. Are those the same thing? But I've missed out on a few opportunities lately because at the last minute I decided I didn't want to go, and I've never been relieved by that decision, only vaguely disappointed in my choice. 

So I think I've made up my mind, even though I know I'm not going to like this. Maybe this experience will surprise me. I'm going in willing to be surprised, and I am 100% willing to show up early and leave just as early. 

The Scientist just left, and while my body is still abuzz, the edges around everything are fuzzy. We had a good time. As always, part of me felt absent. It's really starting to frustrate me— I'm afraid she can tell. I wish she'd come over for longer so I wouldn't feel like I have to make myself orgasm so quickly. That's part of the reason the sex doesn't cut through the fog— I don't let it. I stop as soon as I have an orgasm, even if it's just a small one… 

And now I'm trying to remember what my logic on that was, and I'm coming up empty. I guess it's just fear that we'll run out of time. I want to make sure I get her off, so I rush. Partially because I'm afraid someone is going to come home, partially because we usually only have a couple of hours together

But!! I took the dads (my co parents) out for fathers day, and while we were at breakfast, the family gave me an early birthday gift— tickets to Kinky Boots! It's before my birthday, that's why they’re giving them to me now. 

Today I asked The Scientist to go with me and she said yes, so I’m really excited about that. Taking Jack would have just been self-destructive, and I don't know who else I’d ask. But none of that matters because The Scientist is going! 

This just feels special. Like a new tier of date. Better than dinner or a movie, both of which we've done. We'll dress up, and I just hope it's one of those nights. Although hoping to feel a certain way is a good way to get disappointed. And I've reached my lifetime maximum Disappointment. 

I sure hope the gods, the ancestors, the spirits and the universe can hear me because I am serious. I'm putting my foot down. That feels like a good way to jinx myself. Hey universe, I'm just kidding! 

Anyway… 

Today I wrote an article about how someone should have made the Menage a Mois from Grace and Frankie so that I would have a vibrator I could use that didn't make my joints flare up. Obviously the actual vibrator they ended up making on that show was ridiculous and wouldn't have helped anyone, but the concept of a vibrator that can be used by someone with arthritis or other limited Mobility or dexterity was a concept that needed to be brought front and center and I can't believe that no one has picked it up and run with it. 

 I wouldn't feel like I needed to rush through sex if I had a vibrator I knew I could use for as long as I needed to.

Someone needs to start making sex toys for disabled people. Somebody who isn't me— i already have a billion projects on the go. Maybe I'll just write a letter to the sex toy companies and see if I can get others to do the same. 

Pinned: Teaser

It's been awhile since I posted a teaser. Enjoy. 😏

I haven't heard from The Scientist in a few days, and I'm starting to worry. She sent a how are you text. I said I was fine that I was going on a date today. She didn't respond. 

I really don't think it's the date thing, because we tell each other about our dates all the time. 

The next day I texted to ask if she had any free time coming up for us to hang out, I sent that last night at around 8:00 p.m. and it's the next day, and I still haven't received a response from her. I am starting to freak out a little bit. 

The last thing I need for her to do is what every other woman does: realize they don't actually want me, and disappear. 

How am I ever going to find somebody if they all do this? I'm aware that I'm jumping the gun here. I just feel so jittery and I don't like this feeling. This is why I didn't want to get emotionally involved with her— I want to be with someone who's ethically non monogamous, but I also want that person to have time for me. I don't want to ever wonder where I stand with them. I want whoever I end up with to always text me back. 

Then again, I know I don't always text people back right away either. I sometimes make them wait, and I don't think about the fact that they're waiting for my reply. I just assume that they have other things going on, and they don't care. 

I've got to chill. 

I cannot become insecure, that is her number one turn off. So I wait for The Scientists reply as I continue to use the dating apps, go out with other women, and attend events where I can meet people. Last night, for instance, I went to a Sapphic pub night. It was fun. I met some interesting women and also had some repeat connections. Slowly getting to know people through community involvement is one way I'm leaving myself open to meeting someone. 

 Dear Hearts, 

It seems to me that my telling The Scientist I did not view her as my girlfriend, may have given her the will to step up? The first open mic we went to after that conversation, she made sure she was near me both during the open mic and at the bar afterwards, even though one of her other girlfriends was there. Then, instead of having my Jack come pick me up as usual, she offered to drive me home for the first time.

We have since been on our first real date, we went out for dinner. And then we went back to her place, and took a bath together, and then just lay in her bed listening to French music. 

I'm still not calling her my girlfriend, but if this kind of thing keeps up I will definitely reopen the subject with her. I don't even want to say what I'm hoping for. I have to keep my expectations realistic. But going to dinner and then taking a bath together is just so dreamy and gay…

I don't want to get too excited because I don't know what can make it go away. I know that feeling obligations from other people , or feeling like someone is playing with her, are things she does not appreciate. So of course I'm worried that I'm going to end up doing those things and scaring her off. 

Oh there is so much drama going on in the polycule that she is linked to, around getting pregnant and who will be the sperm donor, at the same time she feels her relationship with Kingpin is changing— for instance, they haven't had sex in weeks. They're going to meet this week to talk about the relationship, and I'm eager to hear what she has to say. 

It would just feel really good if she didn't have so many girlfriends. When we started dating, she told me basically that she and her girlfriends had a schedule, so if she and I were to start hooking up, it would just be whenever she had free time. I was fine with that, because I'm looking for all different types of connections and a friend with benefits is one of them. 

But the more girlfriends that are out of the picture, the more time she has to spend with me. I'm not saying I know it will go that way. But a woman can hope. There's still so much longing, but on top of it there's just this surreal quality that some of the things that I've been longing for are actually happening… 

Being naked in the bathtub with a woman I like, is not something I had on my bingo card for 2026. I'm grateful, and scared of anything that can make it go away. I keep dating. All of my eggs do not go into the same basket. Plus, one girlfriend simply isn't enough. What happens when one of you is in the hospital, and the other is working? I need a bigger support system than that, please! 

And to be honest, Kingpin has really been bragging a lot since both of our breakups in December about how many girlfriends she has, plus a wife. I would love for her to lose one of those girlfriends, and for that girlfriend to become mine. It's not cool to kick someone when they're down, and rub what you have in their face. 

So I was with The Scientist the other day, and things are starting to shift in our relationship. I don't want to get too excited, and of course I'm going to continue to date other people. In fact, I have a date with someone else on Tuesday night.

But for the first time, The Scientist initiated us spending time together. I wondered if she would, and she did, so that was great. When we were talking, post sex , I asked her how she would describe our relationship– I was looking for a qualitative answer,  not a label. But she said she sees me more than she sees Kingpin these days, and that she and Kingpin have been seeing each other and spending time together but have not been having sex since The Scientist broke up with Mercury. Then she said she would be comfortable calling me her girlfriend. 

I told her I didn't think that word really described our relationship. I didn't say this to her, but aside from parties and open mic, we don't spend time together outside of the bedroom. So we planned a date for Saturday night, we're going to go out for pizza at the best pizza place in the city. She also drove me home for the first time after open mic last night, so I feel like what I said about not being at girlfriend level yet may have sparked something in her. We decided to call what we have a Sapphic Friendship for now. Did you know that back in the 20’s, women were actually allowed and encouraged to have romantic friendships with each other? It was considered a normal part of white middle class feminist female college experience. 

Women would write home to their families about their romantic friendships. They would court each other by showering each other with gifts and attention. 

Then of course the church got involved and decided that this was wrong, but there was actually a brief pocket of acceptance there. Religion ruins everything. But I didn't even know that! The Scientist told me and then I did some reading. How much of our own history is just buried? But anyway. 

The headline news is: I could have said yes and had girlfriend. But I wouldn't have actually had a girlfriend, I would have just had the title of one. When I say I have a girlfriend, I want it to be because I actually have one , not because I have a friend with benefits who I'm calling a girlfriend. 

I live in the Pacific Northwest, where you can’t throw a rock without hitting someone who believes deeply in the metaphysical. There are many flavors of this, and I am open to some flavors more than others. One idea I cannot get away from is this thought that if you write down everything you want as highly specific as possible, the universe will grant it to you. This works for things like homes, jobs, relationships, travel opportunities, etc 

I think I've already done a couple of blog posts where I've waxed poetic about what I'm looking for in a woman, but here is a list. It is itemized. 

I don't actually believe in this. But having grown up in a crazy ass religious household where I was given a version of this, except that you had to ask god, there is still a part of me that kind of believes this could be true. 

There is a part of me that thinks “well, I'll just do it as an experiment.” If you end up getting everything you want, then that's evidence that it's real. If you don't, then that's more evidence that its not. 

Some of the things on the list I know I won't find out until part way through the relationship, and I'm okay with that. We are supposed to be as indulgent as possible with our lists, so the universe can show us how powerful it is or some shit. 

There's a part of me that wants to just throw everything I possibly can at the business of finding a partner. This is why I keep online dating, even though I'm 90% sure that is not how I'm going to meet my people or person. If I don't try everything, and I end up alone, I will blame myself for not having tried hard enough to find a woman/women to love. 

There's a part of me that thinks, how could it possibly hurt to have a list?  Its better safe than sorry, right? So here is the list. I am in my 40th year, so 40 items is symbolic. Who knows? I may even find her before I hit 41. 

1. Beautiful

2. Sexual

3. Socially aware

4. ACAB

5. Ethically diverse

6. Smart

7. Kind/Sweet

8. Cute

9. Fun/playful

10. Hilarious

11. Good with kids

12. Loving

13. Empathetic

14. Deep thinker

15. Critical thinker

16. Non-judgmental

17. Open-minded

18. Substance-free

19. Not too "woo"

20. Appreciative of art

21. Sees me

22. Loves planning events and surprises

23. Drives

24. Has their own space

25. Forgiving

26. Prioritizes health

27. Open to life

28. Believes in possibility

29. Cares deeply about others

30. Wants me

31. Loves me (even if just as a fellow human at first)

32. Knows life is short

33. Plans for a life that will be long (ex, buys a house without stairs so they can grow old in their own home)

34. Gives good hugs

35. Smells right

36. Loves good music

37. Enjoys live shows

38. Can teach me life/survival skills

39. Can read me

40. Loves my kids

There it is. That's the list. It feels a little strange posting it. I think it's inviting judgment. It's also just a stark wall of all of these things that I want, and I'm wondering if I could possibly get even half of these. 

But the "experiment" is to ask for everything your little heart can possibly think of, so that's what I'm doing. Funny though, you could spend your entire life thinking maybe it just hasn't happened… *yet*

But I won't go there… yet. 

In other news, things may be crumbling between the Kingpin (queer poetry/polyamory royalty) and The Scientist, as a ripple effect of The Scientist breaking Mercury’s (one of Kingpin’s other gf's) heart. 

Or this could just be a weird blip and as Mercury heals, things between Kingpin and The Scientist will return to normal. 

It shouldn't, but having fewer people to “compete” with gives me a tiny thrill. I think it has to do with feeling chosen. Which is so ridiculous. I could be the next one out. I guess I’d like a chance at being her girlfriend, even just for a little while. That overwhelming “can it ever even happen for me” is a storm cloud over my head. But I think she realized she's not pro-label, so I doubt she'd call me her girlfriend after all this other fallout. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. The Scientist said if things end with Kingpin she is fine with letting them flow that way. She would make a great Buddhist. She did not say they are breaking up. And even if they do, that doesn't mean that she's interested in changing our relationship from what it is. She likes the shape of us and I have to admit I also do… 

I'm in an Uber on the way to another daytime picnic date at the beach. For the first time, I didn't exfoliate my entire body, shave everything, and moisturize. What is the point? I am never going home with any of these women at the end of a first date anyway. I have had zero luck in that department, it seems to be the culture now, so why do all that work? I'm going home alone. This date already has an end time. She asked me out for from 12-2. And while I appreciate her candor, there is just no romance to that. Off to the beach. 🏖️ I need to find a way to get excited about this date because it feels futile. 

2 hrs later, back from Beach: 

Here's another thing: I keep going out with women I'm not physically attracted to. Not exclusively– there have been cuties and beauties— but I have just gone on two back to back dates where I was not physically attracted to the woman. We are so compatible, it just seems silly to let a little something like appearance ruin something that could be so good… 

To be fair, I was never that physically attracted to Jack, either. At our most in love , I did think he was handsome. But he was not my type or what I was physically looking for, at all. We still had the most intense chemistry I've ever experienced in my entire life. We still had sex that felt like spiritual experiences. Sex that made me feel like I left my body. It didn't matter that he was almost 15 years older than me, and he was starting to lose his hair and that he was not in good shape. It mattered that our connection was undeniable… and then our disconnection was undeniable. 

Anyway…I think I'm going to institute a new rule that if I don't find the person at least average attractive, I'm not going to match with them. Dating this time around is about actually getting what *I* want out of the relationship this time. And being with somebody who turns me on is something that I want out of the relationship this time. 

Saturday night, I walked into the sapphic sex party, and there were maybe 10 to 15 women there at that point. By the end of the night I think it was closer to 20-25.  Most people are still wearing street clothes although there are a couple people in lingerie already. I keep my dress on over my baby doll for a while. 

Everyone is just sitting around talking. For some reason Lady Ink has no music on. She just did this at her first get together too— I am the kind of person who makes a specific playlist for each gathering, so this drives me slightly nuts, but I roll with it. 

So for the first hour or two it's mainly just casual talking, getting to know each other. Then Lady Ink starts calling people into the kitchen one by one to check their STI results on their phones and write down the date of their last SDI testing on their bracelet. I'm one of the last people to get checked, and when she sees that I've only gotten the vaginal test done and I haven't done the throats or  anal swab because it was not recommended for me since I haven't deep throated or had anal sex in over 10 years, she said that I could still have a wristband but she wasn't going to write a date on it, so people would know that I hadn't done the testing she asked for within the month. That was fine. 

Guess who I ran into around then? The Scientist and girlfriend number 3 who we'll call Muse since The Scientist considers her, her Muse.

The Scientist ended up coming by the sex party after she finished at the fundraiser. I ended up watching her play with Muse in the bedroom, and then I joined but only played with The Scientist while she played with Muse. So it was a threesome, but I did not play with Muse. Still, I have now had a threesome with The Scientist and one of her girlfriends, so that's cool. 

Afterwards, The Scientist and I had some solo play together on the bed, while Lady Ink and Muse had sex on the floor mattress. 

After that, some other women came into the room. There was one who I was attracted to who came in and she and I and The Scientist and this other woman who I was not attracted to, all started kind of touching and kissing each other on the bed but it didn't go further than kissing and touching each other's breasts. I did not end up touching or kissing the woman I was not attracted to and she did not end up touching or kissing me. I only ended up kissing and touching The Scientist and Nipple Ring, which we will call the girl that I did play with, because she just had her nipple pierced and requested that no one touch it. 

After that I was pretty spent. I wonder if my sexual energy will ever come back full force like it used to be. I used to be able to go for an entire night. But I know the past few years have completely decimated it, so it makes sense that it would take a while to come completely back online. Also physically I'm just not in his great shape, through no fault of my own. Chronic illness/disability sucks.

 I say this because after that there was a demonstration with a fucking machine, and after that there was a hot redhead who I was specifically hoping would be there that night because I wanted to fool around with her, lying on a mattress in lingerie in the living room and wanting someone to play with her, and everyone was too spent, including me. 

I wanted so badly to be able to just get on the mattress with her and just start fooling around with her in front of everybody, but I just couldn't. 

So instead I sent her a message telling her that I really wished that I could have fooled around with her, that she was so hot, and she said well maybe we can hook up at the next Gathering so fingers crossed! I really hope I didn't miss out on the opportunity to play with her forever because she is hawt. 

She would also be the first trans woman I would have ever been with. I know that people get weird when people mention something like that because it's like, oh that shouldn't matter. But it does matter. That's not why I'm attracted to her. But I'm happy whenever I think about getting to be with a type of person I haven't been with before. Especially having trans children, I think it's important for me to be able to say “Yes, I have been with trans women.” Not hypothetically that I would. But that I have. 

All in all I'm glad I went to the party even though I was really apprehensive about it. The woman who is hosting the topless dance party wanted me to know that she's hosting another one in June and wants to know if I would be interested in coming to that one, so I feel like now I have to be honest with her and let her know that I'm not comfortable being topless in such close quarters with men, which sucks. I hate talking to people about things 😅 

But I feel like honesty is the best policy. I don't want her to think that she's the problem or anything like that. It's probably best to just be straightforward. So I guess I'll be doing that. 

Speaking of which, we finally told the kids that we broke up. They had zero reaction, I mean not one word. Probably because they've known for months that things have changed between us. I mean, I haven't worn my giant ring in months and months so I'm sure that was a pretty big tip off. 

I have however picked out a right hand ring for myself that I'm excited to buy next paycheck. It looks vintage and has obviously been modeled after a popular vintage ring design, it’s moissanite in silver not diamonds in gold. It could be a symbol of the fact that I love myself and I put myself first and that I and the only person in the world who's putting myself first, so I better do a good job. 

Or it could just represent the fact that I miss wearing a sparkly ring. 😅 💍 Either way, I have loved this design for decades and I'm getting it. 

Speaking of rings, everyone saw the massive ring Jack got me, and I haven't worn it in such a long time. Do you think people are wondering why? Have they made assumptions or drawn conclusions? Probably. Ugh. We haven't told people we've split up and we're not going to. Unless we're put in a situation where we have to tell— because people know we're poly, so even if they see me on a dating site, or out with someone, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. So unless we're specifically asked if we're still together, I don't think we're going to tell people that we're not. 

It's really not anyone's business whether or not we're having sex. We're still a family, we're still support people for each other, and what we do with our sex organs or whether or not we kiss is not anyone's business.

We told the kids for the sole reason that we didn't want them growing up thinking that it is normal or okay for your partner to not say that they love you, show you physical affection, and all the other things that Jack and I are no longer going to be doing with each other. Otherwise, we wouldn't have even told them.

Anyway... It's 1:30 p.m. and I'm sitting here in my pajamas being depressed. I have a date tomorrow at the beach, and another one I believe this Thursday at the house so I should probably finish my laundry and start cleaning.

I like what I have going with The Scientist, but having to constantly host takes a lot out of me. I mean it literally gets in the way of me being able to fuck her as effectively. But we're just FWB and she wants to fit me in between this slot where her kid is in therapy, and I'm sure that if I drove, that I could come to her, but she's coming to me so she doesn't have to pick me up and take me to her house and then drive me back home.

Trying to figure out what I'm doing Saturday night. First I was really, really looking forward to going to this sapphic sex party hosted by Lady Ink. Like, really looking forward to it. There was something about having to have up-to-date STI testing, and I jumped through a bunch of hoops to make that happen (long story), only to find out she was also asking people to get anal and throat swabs and I just felt like that was so over the top. According to my risk factors, my medical providers don't think that I need to get those things tested, and I know that I don't. I haven't had anal sex in a decade. I didn't have time to get all that additional testing done and it felt really invasive. She has wristbands she's giving out with different levels of safety on them I guess? I don't know. She says so people can make informed decisions about who they play with. At first she was saying that nobody could play if they didn't have a clean complete STI panel. She seems to have backed off a little bit because I think a lot of people were not able to get all the testing that she wanted. 

But while I was going through all of this and being frustrated and humiliated by the system and the fact that I was being slut-shamed by the woman who works at the lab who whispers her instructions and doesn't include written ones like she's supposed to, another party popped up which it said it was a topless dance party, and I was so excited that I could actually go to something that seemed like it would be just as fun as the sapphic sex party, kind of the same vibes, but without all of the extensive paperwork needed. 

I decided I would attend that party instead. The person hosting it said that they needed to meet everyone coming in person, so I arranged to meet them at the end of a poly event that was happening last night after my poetry reading. I met her, so I was welcome to come to the party. When I looked at the RSVP list, I found there were a lot of men on it, specifically ones with dick pics as their profile photos, which I just find so unnecessary. That gives me the feeling that this is going to be a party with Vibes I'm not wanting. I had assumed that because it was a topless party that that meant it was for women only. Because men are allowed to be topless anytime… that's just the impression I got. I already sent the hostess 10 bucks, but I'm fine with her keeping the money if I decide not to go. So far she said it's only going to be 12 people six masc and six femme, which will make it hard for me to just blend into the background if I'm uncomfortable. The deadline to pay was noon today so I'm going to go back and see how many people she says have rsvp'd now…

Nope.

She hasn't updated it again, so as far as I know there's still only going to be 12 people there. That's way too intimate for a situation where I'm going to be half naked in front of men who center their dicks. 

When I told Lady Ink that I wasn't going to make it to her party because I didn't have all of the testing done, she said I could still come with the testing that I have and I can negotiate play with the other people based on everybody's comfort levels. So it seems like she's being a little less rigid than we were originally led to believe, which is a relief. 

The third thing happening Saturday night is that The Scientist is performing at a fundraiser for a local trans community member. Part of me feels like I should go to the fundraiser, and part of me feels like I should be there to watch the Scientist’s Performance, though I feel less obligated to do so now, because she did not attend my poetry reading last night. It was my first time being the  featured performer and kind of a big deal, and while I'm not upset that she stayed home to rest because she has her own performance this weekend and didn't want to get sick, all it means is that I don't feel obligated to be there to watch her. I do like to watch her perform, though. It's not like I'm bitter or anything. Slightly disappointed but not hurt. 

So as of now, my plan is to bow out of the topless coed dance party. To go to Lady Ink's party and see what the vibe is like. If I feel like leaving, I will, and I will go to the fundraiser instead, though I will be arriving late. So far, that seems to be my plan. 

But it's not set in stone, because I haven't re-rsvp'd to Lady Ink’s party ( though she did reconfirm her address for me, and tell me that I'm still welcome to come if I change my mind), I'm still rsvp'd to the topless dance party, though I'm fairly certain I don't want to do that with this group. I'm just not sure what to say when I change my RSVP from yes to no. I did specifically meet with her in order to attend, although I was the one who showed up where she was, she didn't go out of her way to meet me. But I still feel like I need to give her a reason. I could just be completely honest and say when I rsvp'd I thought it was a party only for women and I'm not comfortable attending a party with masculine energy right now. Or I could just say something came up and I can't make it. I don't want to lie and say that I was sick because she could find out that I was at the other party and that wouldn't be good. It's a small community with a lot of overlap. It's best to conduct oneself with integrity. 

Somebody tell me what to do tomorrow night. I'm spinning. This isn't really about wasting a Saturday night. I've been waiting for a good sapphic event for so long, and they are so few and far between, and every time I get close to being able to attend one, something gets in my way and stops it. 

I think I have to try to go to the sapphic event. I think if I don't at least try I will regret it. And I have an Escape Route (Jack will rescue me if I need to leave) and the alternate plan of stopping by the fundraiser instead. 

I don't want to jinx myself, but I think I may have something good going here with The Scientist. Today my kids were home from school sick and The Scientist has her period, so we hung out in my bed and snuggled and kissed and talked. I’ve realized I really enjoy her company. I like the energy between us a lot, but I don't really think about her when we're not together, and for me right now that's exactly what I need. I can't do a relationship where I'm pining away— especially because she has three actual girlfriends, plus assorted other people she has occasional sex with. 

She's having a party in 2 days so I'll see her then, but it will be at her home, and her children will be there, so we won't be kissing or anything. My kids are invited too, but I think I'm going to not bring them, as I didn't bring them to the last one, because I just want to be able to have a good time and not worry about them. What if I want to flirt with somebody and I just want to focus on that and not worry about my kids seeing? 

Especially because we still haven't told them that Jack and I broke up. I just can't figure out how to do it. I know I sound like a broken record. But these are reasons why I don't want to invite my kids. 

I know it hasn't been long, so I don't feel like I can rest in what The Scientist and I have yet. Maybe sometime around 6 months mark, depending on how things are going, I may feel like we have something solid, even if the solid thing is a solid friendship with benefits. 

But I don't even want to hope that we get there. What I want is to be okay with whatever needs to happen. That happens to be her relationship philosophy as well, as things are not going as well as they have been previously with her other girlfriends (I'm not one), some of the relationships she is having to walk back because she doesn't like the positions that she's being put in, in terms of expectation of her time, energy and sexual performance. 

I can sense what's happening, and I've been sensing it for months. I've seen the insecurity and reassurances, I've seen this coming, this is why I didn't want to get involved in this polycule. Because the newest lover is blamed for the cracks that show. I don't even know if I am the newest lover. It wouldn't surprise me at all if there are more recent ones. 

The Scientist will no longer be having sex with Mercury (gf #2), not until Mercury is no longer using their sex as a way to deal with insecurities about their relationship. I don't think this is going to fix this for them. If I were Mercury I would feel rejected. I would be devastated. And I would feel like I'm on probation, like my girlfriend who I “love too much” (her words) had one foot out the door. This would feel intolerable to me. Mercury also doesn't want the other partners to know about this sexual walkback, and I'm sure she doesn't want me to know either, both just as a human in the world (it sucks if your partner says they need to take a break from sex with you, that feels shameful), and as a person who is still has access to The Scientist sexually…

This is exactly why I didn't want to get involved with anyone from the polycule. But the more I got to know The Scientist, the more I liked her, and then it felt like I shouldn't let the fact that she's involved with the polycule (though NOT a part of it) stop me from allowing our relationship to go where it was naturally going… 

So Thursday night I am the future performer at open mic. That means that after the open mic portion of the evening, there's an intermission and then I get to just read my poetry for 25 minutes. I signed up to be a featured performer right at the beginning of the season, and I know I would be unhappy if I wasn't one. Also, they pay me. I'm trying not to let the nerves bull me over right now because I can't believe it didn't matter of days. My point was that The Scientist won't be there— she already had tickets to see a burlesque show with a professor she has a crush on, but Jack will be there to sit at the reserved table with me. 

As much as I think it would be great to have The Scientist there (she's a great hype girl) I think having her sit at the reserved table with me when everything is so unstable with Mercury could be a problem. Then again, Mercury may not even come. For me, that would be the best case scenario. 

Oh and here's the best part about the scientist and I. We have both started using nicknames for each other. No one else in the circle that were in calls each other these short forms of our names. I think it's pretty freakin’ cute, I also think it's going to bother some people, but I just can't let that affect me. 

I've been dying to call her this name, so when she said that I could, I was really happy.