notes from e

She stood outside the ritzy nightclub, clenching the front of her coat with one hand, seemingly unable to take that few steps forward. She stared at the heavy doors with eyes that were haunted, haunted with unwanted memories, of the person inside. And of what that was awaiting her, once she stepped through those doors.

But she had made her decision from the moment she retrieved the card and the mask from the hidden compartment in her drawer.

Squaring her shoulders, Olivia pushed the doors opened, and stepped into the club, fleetingly thinking that the lit interior of the establishment seeming even darker than the night beyond the doors.

She walked slowly, keeping her eyes trained ahead, scanning the room, trying to look past all the masks and costumes of the club’s patrons, trying to locate the one person that she had come to see. She caught the eye of a woman in a long red dress and a glittery gold mask, who smiled at her, head tilting suggestively. A shiver went down her spine, as she turned away, trying to calm herself, without much success.

She didn’t know how long she had been circling the room - it could be ten minutes, or it could be an hour – when she felt a hand on her bare arm. Turning around, she saw herself looking into unfamiliar blue eyes, staring at her behind a sinister yet elaborate werewolf mask.

“He’s waiting for you,” he said, nodding towards a heavy oak door, and she felt her heart sped up, skipping beats. Without acknowledging the stranger, she strode towards the door. Steeling herself to face what was about to come, she found herself involuntarily whispering a prayer, a forgotten phrase, and she nearly laughed at the absurdity of it.

She had no right to say any word of prayer.

Raising her hand, she was about to knock, and then she changed her mind. Dropping her hand, she pushed the doors opened, and walked into the room.

“Hello, Liv.”

He stood before her, leaning against his desk, a mocking smile on his lips. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Seeing him again, for the first time in almost seven years, had a certain effect on someone who had loved him before he strayed. He hadn’t changed much. He still looked the way he did, before he had left her. If there was any difference, it was his aura. He radiated a menacing darkness. A spiritual darkness. She knew that she was one of the few, that was not of them, who could sense it. Perhaps it was because she knew him too well. Or maybe it was because she had loved him once.

“Elliot,” Olivia managed to form his name, as he approached her, still smiling. He looked almost human, but they both knew he was no longer one. He raised his hand, and removed the mask from her face, resting the tips of his fingers against her cheek. She immediately flinched, almost as a reflex, and his eyes darkened considerably.

Dropping his hand, he spread out his arms in a mockery of welcoming gesture. “After seven years. Seven years without a word, Olivia. And here you are now.”

A shudder went through her. “You look well,” she said, trying to maintain eye contact. It was harder than she thought it would be, so much harder.

But she would do anything for Rafael.

“I’m very well indeed, Liv. As you can clearly see.” His lips curved again into another smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes, didn’t even come close. His eyes used to light up with his smiles.

He knew she was afraid of him, and she knew he hated it. They used to be so close. Even before they became lovers, they were best friends. And then Elliot changed, and that had been the end of everything. His straying onto the other path had been their undoing; she didn’t want what he called The Gift. It wasn’t a gift to her, it was a curse, an eternal curse and damnation. But to him, it was a gift. And she wanted no part of it, so she left him.

For a while, she lived in fear, thinking that he might pursue her. But perhaps some remnant of his love for her had remained, and he had let her go.

Elliot leaned back against his oak desk, still eyeing her. “What can I do for you?” He asked, almost politely.

This was it, this was the moment. “It’s…Rafael,” she said, and then faltered.

His eyes flickered again, a light of hatred shining through. “Rafael Barba,” he said, his voice bitter with resentment. However, his slight smile at his next words almost sickened her. “He’s going to die.”

She blanched at the word ‘die’, desperation and grief tearing through her, causing her next words to come tumbling out. “You can save him.”

Elliot let out a bark of laughter, looking amused as he lighted a cigarette and began smoking. “You want me to save him? Do you even realise what you’re asking of me?”

“I do,” she forced her voice to remain steady. She did realise it, of course. It was all that she had realised from the moment she put on the mask.

“You hated me after I converted. Would it be any different for Rafael if he is one of us?”

“I don’t hate…” she began, and then stopped. Did she hate him? No, she loved him. She never hated him, but she could never understand his reasons for being one of the Damned.

Elliot carried on speaking, smoking as he spoke. “I know what you are thinking, Liv. My gift can save him, and you wanted him to be saved.” He blew a puff of smoke into the air, and looked at her steadily. “But I offered it to you once, and you said no. It’s a non-transferable offer.”

“Elliot…”

He sniffed, lifting his hand to stop her from talking, and stabbed out his cigarette. “I can’t help you. But thanks for dropping by,” he said, his sarcasm evident.

“Please, Elliot.” She hated this, hated that she had to beg him, but there was no other choice, no other path she could take. Everything that could be done has been done. There was nothing else, but this.

Elliot’s expression softened, and for a moment, she saw a semblance of the old Elliot, the one she had loved, the one that had been her best friend. “Liv, you know that there is nothing I can do for him. In order to convert, one has to be willing. Barba hates me. He will never accept help from me.” He walked towards the door, and opened it. “Go to him, Liv,” he said, without a trace of mockery. “He doesn’t have much time left.”

“Rafa…” she said, not moving, holding her head high. “…will accept help from me.”

Elliot’s eyes widened as her words hung between them, in air that crackled with tension and electricity. She was painfully aware of what she was doing. Elliot could have her, she only wanted to save the man she loved.

Because she would do anything for Rafael.

What happened in that dark room was a blur, she would not ever want to remember it. It was something she didn’t want to dwell on, something that she knew that if she did, she would regret for the rest of her days.

She slipped into the hospital unnoticed, the night security simply did not notice her. The lift was empty when she stepped into it, and she felt her mouth curved into a smile when she saw her faded reflection on the mirrored walls. So she still had a reflection for now. That was nice to know.

The nurses ignored the shadow that flickered and streaked down the cold, sterile hospital corridors. She hurried silently to Rafael’s room. His room was cold, the atmosphere ominous and stifling, and it was as quiet as a morgue except for the occasional beep of machines hooked to him.

She stood by his bed, watching his pale but peaceful face. He looked different to her, somewhat. Elliot told her that things would seem different through the eyes of one of the Damned. This was the first time she had truly looked at anything since she left the club.

She leaned closer to the man she loved, hearing his steady breathing. Closing her eyes, she did what Elliot told her to, and she locked her mind with Rafael’s, her heart thudding furiously.

Rafa. Rafa, I love you.

He stirred, and one of the machines bleeped. She concentrated on building the link, willing for his life force to be strong enough. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, he answered.

Liv? Where are you? Where am I?

And so, she told him. She told him of all that happened – she told him why he was lying on that cold bed, what happened when that bus rammed into his Uber. She told him of her desperation at what the doctors said. She told him of her visit to Elliot, to the club, her deal with the devil, the exchange of her soul for immortality. She told him the death of her mortality and the ordeal of being reborn as one of the Damned. And she told him, again and again, how much she loved him.

There was a long silence after she was done, and she feared for his life force, as she held on to the link.

Liv…is this what you want? Is this what you truly want?

Her breath caught in her throat, tears swimming in her eyes as she looked at his pale, pale face. Paler than hers.

Yes. Yes, it is. I cannot lose you, Rafa. I can never, ever lose you.

He paused, and she felt his life force faltering, the link between them weakening.

Come with me, she begged. Come with me. She touched his cheek, and it was cold. As cold as her immortal skin. Time was running out.

He sighed, a resigned sound. So be it. Take me then, Olivia.

Relief swept over her as she heard his words, and she bent over him, fangs bared to his throat. Rafael would be saved. They would have to live a cursed life, but they would be together. They would be together, and as long as she had him, that would be enough.

And then something happened.

She couldn’t do it.

You have to hurry, Liv. I can’t hold on any longer.

She realised that she was no longer the Olivia he knew, not anymore. She would never be that person again.

But she still loved him. She would do anything for Rafael. Anything.

But this.

She backed away, tears spilling over, her breath coming out in ragged sobs. She didn’t know that vampires could cry, she though they were without emotions. But her tears kept coming.

“Rafa,” she whispered. “Rafa, I love you. I love you so much.”

With that, she severed the link between them, and watched as the machines started beeping faster and eventually stopped. She watched, hidden, as nurses ran into the room and started useless procedures of revival and finally covered his beautiful face with a white sheet. As they left the room, she approached Rafael’s cold body, and pulled back the sheet.

He looked peaceful in death. Peace was something that she would never know again. Something in her broke, shattered completely, and she would never, ever be the same again.

“Goodbye,” she whispered, pressing a kiss onto his cold lips. “We will never meet again. Not in this lifetime, not in the next, not in this world.” They were going completely different places. Where Rafael’s soul would go, was no longer a place Olivia could enter.

She turned, and fled the hospital room.

She stood at the ledge of the hospital roof, her gown fluttering in the wind, where she could see almost nothing but dots and speckles that represented cars, and other people. Those who still lived. She wasn’t planning to jump; she doubted that the plunge could kill her.

What happened in that instant she was about to make him what she was? She closed her eyes, trying to calm the surge of thoughts in her head.

In the end, she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t subject the one she loved to this dark world that she was now part of. She could condemn herself, condemn herself to hellfire and eternal damnation, but she could not condemn Rafael. She could not bring herself to save him from Death and in return, gave him a fate that was worse than Death.

In her moment of confusion and desperation, she had allowed herself to think that she could change the future. She thought that Elliot could save Rafael. And there could be a happily ever after them, even if they would never walk in the light again.

There was little cause to go back to her former existence. The elements that spurned the life force of the former Olivia Benson no longer existed. Her salvation, her beloved and her life.

Her condemnation was completed; she was a creature of the night, cursed to roam the nights, endless nights until time stopped. She would live with the knowledge that she could not be saved from the depths of eternal hell.

As she looked up the heavens and stars above, wondering if she still had the right to do so, her last tears spilled out of her eyes. After tonight, there would be no more reason for her to cry, or to feel any sort of emotion. She focused on the stars, and wonder if Rafael’s soul was among them, wondering if he could see her.

She hoped not.

She stood up, and her mask fell from her hand, tumbling down to the street below, and with it, the final vestige of who she was. There would be a new life for her. She was bound to Elliot, her Creator, who would teach her how to live her new life. One of the Damned.