Just a shadow of a girl

A message I sent to a friend at work in jest.

We self deprecate and play up our emo-ness but it was a straight up lie! And it only hit me how much of a lie it was after I sent it.

I am really, genuinely feeling good again.

I know I'll come back to this later and have a giggle at myself because this blog does comprise of "im happy" "lmao no I'm not" etc but it be what it be with depression.

But right now I am!

I also realised i like people. I've said for donkeys I cant stand them but fuck. I like being in groups of people, watching them enjoy themselves, learning about them. I like talking to new individuals. I like throw back meet ups with people from the past. I do like new people (within reason).

Yes, too many humans in one place still makes me anxious and annoyed and overstimulated, and often even indivuduals are intolerable, but I realise now it has a lot more to do with the state im currently in than how i actually feel about them.

I have people I'd do anything for

But i truly don't know if i have anyone that would do anything for me

I love so limitlessly

And he kissed her

And against her better judgement, she kissed him. She didn't want it but my god she wanted it. She melted and burned at the same time as his lips were on hers and his body was against hers and she knew in that moment if she never did before that there wasn't a time when she didn't love him.

She radiated heat from her core to the tips of her ears and her nose and she swore her whole body was blushing.

Only a second had passed despite the world and her heart stopping and when their lips were no longer touching she wanted to cry. From the loss of him, from the joy of him.

I remember

Less and less every year.

I remember playing with an old lamp we had in the house I grew up in. It was free-standing and came out at a right angle, but folded in on itself so the lamp was either where you expected it to be, or out like an arm. I would dangle my teddies from it (I only had 2 dolls I ever liked - an ariel doll and.. cindy? was it? she had joints and she wore a little dress made out of a rag my grandad gave me. I may even still have it.. it was a dusty blue and super soft) and make up these wild heists or challenges for them. I don’t remember what they were or how naturally it came or how  occupied myself for hours and hours with them.

Today, my boyfriend and flat mate are out and I've never felt so lonely.

I'll hear a noise from the flat down stairs and think it's her jumping down from the bed. Hear someone unlocking their front door and think it's the jingle of her bell.

I love him, I loved him.

But I'm not sad.

He caused me so much trauma in his last years that I'm still recovering from that this date holds nothing for me.

Because then maybe I'd find comfort in your empty bedroom.

I wish I could say without faltering, that you're in a better place now.

That your final days of suffering weren't the end.

I wish I could ask forgiveness

For showing my frustrations toward the end; not loving you like I should

I wish I could pray to you for strength

In these days of pain, and uncertainty and change in your absence.

I wish that when I clasped my hands you could hear me

Hear me thank you and love you, and love you.

I may not believe in god

But you did.

So I know your God is looking after you

And your wife, true love reunited at last.

Just don't forget about us in this happiness you found