asshole

The thought of us was for us to be happy together. For us to laugh, talk, share our lives together. I know we’re still young, but having him make me feel complete was enough for me to think about us forever. I hated talking about future us though bc I didn’t want to scare him away so I avoided it although I tried throwing hints about wanting to talk about it.

I did things I shouldn’t have, I terribly regret it. I ended up pushing him away even more. I didn’t think, when all I do is think this time I couldn’t. My mind went to a blank. Embarassed and angry.

I look back and I miss it so much. I miss the intimacy. I miss our talks. I miss laughing. I miss everything. Feelings are hard to talk about. They can be interpreted differently.

All I could do was cry, crying felt like it was better than wanting to scream. I understand that things can get better. But they’re not as how I hoped they’d be. Working things out could’ve happened, but then my mistake came back and ruined everything. I had hope and I ruined it.

it’s saturday. right now i would’ve been getting ready to see his game. i would’ve been with him for just a small while but being with him makes me feel so good. i was hoping that by going up to him he’d feel the same

everything reminds me of you

im driving and i look over and i see you. i see you coming out your home, i see you sitting beside me and holding onto the car because i’m driving, i see how happy you were when you got into school

when i’m laying down im reminded when we used to lay together. i think of you and just lay pretending like i’m still in your arms

i think back and remember your smile. i love your smile, my favorite smile. seeing you smile made me feel good. i was so happy thinking i made you happy but turns out i wasn’t

i look in the mirror and i see you standing beside me, i see you touching my face or “fixing” my hair

i stand in my kitchen and i’m reminded of when you came into my home

i lay in bed crying because i need your hug, i miss you so much. i lay down and pretend like i’m still in your arms and feel safe with you

i know it can’t be same and it hurts me so much. i wonder do you feel the same way or are you just fine now that it’s over