A Collection of Thoughts

She is chemically imbalanced, wading through a slurry of madness. 

She will dance offbeat to the tune of compliance, while suggested fears craft an alliance. 

But there comes a day where she no longer remains reliant, her minds eye refusing to stay silent guides her to a power that frees her from confinement.

Gravel turned to cotton, she no longer bleeds, instead she blossoms.

Whispers turned to screams, she no longer begs, instead she commands without caution.

Weights turned to waves, she no longer stands, instead she ripples with passion. 

Boundless, she moves forward into the intoxicating unknown, where silhouettes of untouched beginnings beckon her to keep moving.

Without stillness,

Without shame,

I am a stranger to desire.

A ghost, caught in the reflection of lust’s gaze.

Unfamiliar with the heat of another’s fire, I am never burned for.

I dance to one sided passion, longing to be craved.

How does it taste, desire? Is it sweet, like cherries?

I survived.

A women’s body is a temple. It gives life.

But before it ever does, it bleeds.

It’s natural. Innocent. A blessing.

It happens when you’re a child, and carries you into adulthood’s waiting arms.

Once a month.

Forever, you’re little blessing.

But not for me. Only a child bleeds in this dream. And with blood there’s trauma.

In adulthood I built walls to prevent my blessings, so I could live life in neutral.

Over time the walls began to crack, and blessings would slip through. Just a few small ones, nothing too impactful.

Until one cool night, Mother Nature weeps, and I’m hit with a flash flood.

For the first time in my adult life, I bleed.

The first one is a lie, born out of desperation.

Meant to mimic strength, instead representing failure. 

The release, short lived. 

The guilt, everlasting.

The first one is not alone. There are others like it. 

Painted all over my body, 

Are lies.

Your laugh breaks through the stiffness in the room, and the sound commands my attention. I glance in your direction, to see you sitting there with your friends, not noticing me noticing you.

I’m so taken with you.

I didn’t realize that I was holding my breath until my lungs started to scream at me for air. Drawing in an unsteadied breath, the rest of the world fades, leaving only me, and you.

Together. 

Your intoxicating aura fills the room, and my heart stops. When it starts again, it beats only for you.

It’s not the right time for us.

But I know without a shadow of a doubt, you were meant to be mine, 

And I, 

Who would have thought that changing a babies diaper would make you fear for your life? Certainly not me. 

You walk in, and I can feel you loom at my side, you’re watching me. Overbearing ease creeps down my spine, as you reach into the dresser next to you. 

My weight shifts as I watch you pull out a gun.

You draw a step closer to me, leaving me paralyzed. The room begins to spin, and panic consumes me as you take another step, closing the distance between us. 

You take your gun and drag it up my side, fostering sobs to burst out of me. You press the barrel to me, amused. 

No.

No.

No.

You push harder, the pressure leaves a lasting ache. I try to pull away, but you hold onto me with determination. I want to scream. 

When my knees buckle, you let me collapse to the floor. 

You tower over me, your head thrown back as you shake with laughter.

You laugh, drawing my attention to you. My heart stops. Your eyes squint as you bellow again, leaving a cocky smirk on your face. You don’t notice me, noticing you. In time we become friends, we even almost kiss. With a love not yet blossomed, we move away, leaving each other in the past.

With hungry lips you kissed me on the sidewalk outside your house. The moon blankets us with her soft glow. My first kiss, you whisper you love me. Then you made me walk home in the dark, alone. I lived four miles away from you.

You were the first to understand me, giving me a sense of safety. I was your everything, you said. But while you whispered sweet nothings to me, you held another in secret.

You’d never hurt me. You love me. You’re sorry. It won’t happen again. Maybe if I wasn’t so stupid. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll learn. It’s just a bruise. It’s my fault. He loves me.

We liked the same music. You made me mixed CD’s and sang to me when I was down. We always laughed until we cried. I moved away, but you still loved me. Then on my birthday you left me for someone else. 

You were different like me. Lonely like me. Crazier then me. Obsessed with me. I left, but you stayed, stalking me in the shadows. Around every bend you waited for me. Now I always look over my shoulder.

You were bad. Intoxicating. I burned for you. I dismissed your jealousy, and I welcomed your control. You had me wrapped around your finger. Your gaze drew me in, the sweet taste of your lips beckoned me. The door shut behind me, you begin to kiss me. You’re getting rough, and won’t let me go. You tell me to spread my legs, but I don’t want to. You crush me to your chest pinning my arms, and force your fingers inside me. You tell me you love me, and then you leave me. 

I taste your lip-gloss on my tongue, as I glide it over your bottom lip. Your skin is soft, like silk. Your hair smells sweet, like strawberries. My body vibrates at your touch. Something inside me springs to life. 

The light that breaks through the window paints the narrow room in muted greys. 

Sitting at one end, I stare down the length of the bathroom, my eyes are fixed on the door, as a faint buzz begins to caress my ears, leaving me numb.

I blink.

Emptiness begins to echo inside me as I come down from my release. 

Newly vandalized skin shouts at me.

In my palm, I clasp a lighter, it’s weight tying me to the earth like gravity. 

Choking down the anguish that nests itself at my core, I conceal the lighter in my pocket. Making my way to the door, I leave behind a dishonorable stain.

Voiceless, unwavering grief mists out of me in ripples, because this is the only way I know how to scream.

It’s dark. My breath quickens. The plastic hovers over my skin, threatening to consume me.

Between stifled sobs I beg you to release me, to save me. You tell me this is where I belong.

I can’t breathe.

The walls shrink to the shape of my body, telling me I have no where to run. Trapped, I am your prey, and like a predator you attack.

The first lash comes quick and without mercy. Shrieks bubble inside me and race past my lips.

You command me to be silent.

Out of fear I try to muffle the cries that ripple through my body, yet I am met with failure as you strike a second time.

The plastic begins to melt on to my skin as the air grows warm and thick. My nails dig into my shaking body, unvoiced pleas strangle me.

Terrified, I prey.

Yet you still hiss words of violence, and lash once more.

Right now a man down the road is wheeling the trash can up the drive, because in the morning the garbage men come. 

I can hear small birds whisper goodnight to each other, the soft echo of a running motor down the road, and a dog barking at wayward critters looking for a place to rest. 

Under the cloudy night sky I see a rabbit trot around my yard. Back and forth he goes, anxious to be alone. He ponders leaving, but then a second rabbit comes into view. 

They greet in silence, and in stillness they begin to wait. 

Seconds pass, and a third rabbit makes his approach. As he joins his friends they begin to dance, and whirl in my yard. Two rabbits couple for a waltz as a fourth rabbit makes her appearance. The remaining couple together and start to twirl off into the street. 

They match each others strides effortlessly, as they float graciously through the neighboring yards. 

Spinning. 

Leaping. 

They dip around a light pole, and prance around a tree. 

Before long they all drift down the road and out of view. 

They leapt, they bounced, they swayed.

 Not a sound was to be heard from their padded paws. 

I close my eyes and embrace the stillness of the night. A chill nips my nose, and a distant hum of a plane flying over head hugs my ears. This is serenity.

She stalks quietly.

A huntress, she extends each paw with poise and silence.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Shhhh...

Stay still, stay silent.

Waiting in the shadows, wild green eyes lock onto target. Her prey unsuspecting of the power that lurks behind it. And with each hushed footfall, she grows closer to her next meal.

Her head bows, and her tail twitches with tension. Her gaze never wavers as her hips sway in preparation of her assault. Then, with a commanding force, she pounces.

Strange. Bitter. Overwhelming.

It consumes me in its shadows. An unwelcoming aura hugs my chest. It lurks, striking in jolts of pain intent to impair. Dark and overshadowing, it wraps around me like barbed wire.

I shudder. I gasp.

I’m drowning.

Back again in this isolated and grisly chamber, it pulses, and I ache.

I’m suffocating.

Sinister hands climb hastily up my throat, seizing my airway.

Breathless.

Emptiness washes over me in an unforgiving wave of absolution.

My freedom...an illusion cast by the brazen beings of my mind.