I don’t know why I try to avoid my emotions. If anything, it hurts more like that, right? So I guess, soak it in. Play some tunes. Re-evaluate. Allow myself to feel like this. Try not to act irrational. Know it will get better sooner or later. It won’t always be like this (stuff people ring in their head 24/7 when they’re feeling like how I am). Confused and all. Not sure what to say, not sure what to do. Can’t handle a situation anymore, even if it’s the simplest situation because--everything has built up. The tower has gotten too high, so I’m going to stop putting more blocks on it, until I think it’s ready again. You’ve let yourself fall into this person, again. But here’s why I’m lost about...just about everything in the concept of loving someone. How do you stay your individual self and be your own person, but also figure out how to mesh your individual self into that of another persons self-being? How do people marry? I’ve seen people stay married, even after one has cheated. How can you do that. Is it worth it to throw it all away or do you do it for what it’s worth--all the memories, (kids), happiness and sadness, fighting and loving. How do you even know if you’ve got the hang of love? How do you know when to let it go or if you should keep going? All of this gets to me more than it should in a regular person. I remember my first heartbreak, I didn’t know when to let it go, so it smashed in my face. Am I wrong for that? Am I wrong for hoping? Do I just keep letting it smash in my face? I’ve done it once, so I guess the thought of it happening again doesn’t really scare me THAT bad. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, all I know is: it’s not okay anymore.

Title: Good bye Thailand. Hello Laos. This is it. This trip has just about come to an end. It’s so unbelievable, I don’t know where to start. Well I guess we could start off with the last week of being in Thailand. I had to start the week off with returning my motorbike, which made it slightly more difficult to get around. I was on a budget and I didn’t want to pay red trucks to get me places, but it’d cost more to rent my bike for a few more days than to take red trucks, so.The morning I had to return my bike, I took one last road trip to Phufinn, a cafe outside of the city, near the Grand Canyon of Chiang Mai. Went in for one last mint milk tea (soooo good). Sumya came along as well. Always great company with her:) She’s my last-minute-adventure person to go to. Then I rushed back to Chiang Mai by 11:30AM to return my bike, and I don’t quite remember how I spent the rest of my day.Monday was my first day of finals. Easy. Peace out to that disappointment of a Buddhism class I took this semester.Tuesday, no finals. I recall sleeping for a long time that day. Don’t really remember anything else. To be honest, I feel like I spent my last few days caving inside, and occasionally going out for 7/11 food. Packing back bags. Studying for finals.Part of Wednesday night was spent in an Airbnb with the USAC group, was alright lol.Thursday was packing.Friday was the farewell USAC dinner. I might include that I did quite well with not crying at all during this whole moving away process (probably cause I cried it all out earlier last week when I was out with friends… hmf.)Stayed up almost all night Friday night. Knocked out around 7AM, woke up at 3PM.Saturday, finished my packing and moved out by 7PM. Was super sad saying good bye to Sophia, Tina, and Nancy. Not too worried, because I know I’ll see everyone again some day.I’m finally here in Luang Prabang, Laos with my dad, since Sunday. Hasn’t been too much lately, I got food poisoning earlier last week. Been lingering around the house I’m staying at, waking up in the middle of the night, and napping in the middle of the day. It’s been a good first week. Besides the week starting off rough, things have finally settled and I’m comfortable with how things are rolling. I’m not making waiwai noodles for myself every night to get by without dinner. Dogs still scare the shit out of me (traumatized). My dad has taken me to the famous Kuang Si waterfall here, I climbed up to Phousi hill to watch the sunset, I’ve explored the Lao temples. I have yet to see the caves, and still shopping around for souvenirs here and there. Worried that I won’t be able to fit everything in my luggage, once again. It’s like moving out process all over.Anyways. One week left and I’ll be back on American soil! Excited to be home but kind of not ready to leave… idk. I’m feeling laid back about it all, but I know it’ll hit me later. Thing is, idk WHAT will hit me. Wanting to be back in Asia, or the culture shock back home? I guess we’ll find out.This post was long overdue (meant to be published 6 days ago) but the wifi here is frustrating.Laos, one more week. Let’s do this!