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“Are you in pain, Frodo?” said Gandalf quietly as he rode by Frodo's side. “Well, yes I am,” said Frodo. "The wound aches, and the memory of darkness is heavy on me. It was a year ago today.” “Alas! there are some wounds that cannot be wholly cured,” said Gandalf. “I fear it may be so with mine,” said Frodo. “There is no real going back. Though I may come to the Shire, it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same. I am wounded with knife, sting, and tooth, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?”

I don't like when people hate on Boromir. It takes a noble heart to really care about something more than you even care about yourself. He cares so deeply about his country, his home, his people, and he carries the burden of their livelihood on his shoulders. Can you imagine what it must feel like to have everyone looking to you to lead them, and to constantly fail them? To have people trust you and depend on you, and yet feel weak and helpless? To be willing to die for them, but knowing that your life still isn't enough? Boromir would do anything for them. He only came to the council looking for help. Yes, he's angry and frustrated and impatient, but only because there's so much love in him. How is that not admirable? Have you ever seen the pain of a struggling missionary? It's easy to criticize decisions when you're not the one dying for it.

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I can't help but connect with Aragorn. He deals with so much fear of his calling and doubt in himself. He's supposed to come back to be the king of Gondor, but no one's sure if he'll actually do it, or if he even can. The looming question hangs over Aragorn, and the answer haunts him. He's afraid. But, that fear tests Aragorn's heart, makes him ask himself, Can I really be the king they need? Do I even want to? Why? For who? For myself? Never... If he's going to do it, he knows it's going to be because he's called. But it was fear that made his calling to the throne not an entitlement, but a cross to bear, an act of surrender. It was fear that tested him, stripped his heart of personal ambition. The battle with his fears refined his heart, and when the Ring was handed to him, he gave it up, because his heart was found pure. There's a scene from the movie Gladiator where the old emperor looks to his general Maximus and tells him that he wants him to inherit the throne. Maximus responds with a shaking voice, "With all my heart, no." The emperor says, "Maximus, that is why it must be you." Ultimately, for Aragorn, It was his weakness that prepared him to be a worthy king.

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I'm scared, a lot of the time. But fear tests my heart and tests my faith, makes me ask where my strength comes from, why I'm doing this, and for whom. I've seen that at times, obedience without hesitation can be a disguise for ambition; but true surrender is a fruit of humility, the kind of humility that's born in the furnace of discouragement, doubt, and failure. Fear is blinding; but walking blind demands surrender, for the righteous shall walk by faith and not by sight. I don't know if I can do it... I don't know if it'll work out... I don't know if this is the right way or if I'm the right person... But Lord, here I am. It's strange, that fear can help us to see clearly—not that we find the way forward, but that we search our hearts and look to the things that matter.

Sometimes living is really hard for me. Some days the best I can do is just distract myself with random crap to make it through the day without choking on this vague sense of disappointment in my life, to just survive the emptiness. It’s the kind of day where it’s bluntly clear that there’s no soundtrack to your life, that the difficulties you’re in aren’t part of some process or journey to a bright and beautiful happy-ending, but that things just suck, and that’s it. No one’s crying for you, get over yourself, you’re not that important. It’s not necessarily that I’m depressed, though that's probably true... but that I just don’t know anymore. Things are still moving, but nothings happening. I don’t feel pain, but I don’t feel alive. I feel stuck. I feel dead.

But I’m a really good Christian—a superChristian to be accurate. I’m a pastor. I’m extra spiritual. So I know I’m supposed to deal with it. I know I’m supposed to stay passionate, that there’s “meaning in the mundane,” that God “moves in mysterious ways,” and He’s “working beneath the surface.” I know I gotta keep going, because I’m mature and godly and faithful and steadfast and I WILL PERSEVERE!!! Wow, just.. amen. So I preach to myself whatever I need to hear to deal with my circumstances, or rather my disappointment in them. God has a plan! He works all things for my good! This is not the end of the story! If He brought me in, He’ll take me through!!! My God my God, hallelujah Jesus… Things. Are. Going. To. Get. BETTER. YES! I’ll eventually get what I want, get where I want to be. I just gotta keep going. I need to pray more. Hope more. Believe more.   I guess. 

There’s a story about a woman named Martha whose brother died. She was on her knees for days, asking and expecting Jesus to come heal him. He didn’t. She was disappointed… but she’s a good Christian like me, so she kept her head up. She knows her bible, so she knows that eventually, one day in the future God is going to come back and make everything good, and there's going to be a resurrection party where all God's people come back to life. Everyone knew this—it was a promise from God. They were all waiting for it, hoping for it. So she knew: she shouldn’t complain and just keep on going, standing strong. I trust the Lord! God made a promise, to never leave me nor forsake me! Things suck now, but I know God’s going to fix this and give me everything I need! My brother is dead, but I know later I’ll be with him again! Everything will be good then, and I’ll finally be truly happy!

Jesus shows up, and she gives Him her grown-up superChristian response, letting Him know that she’s gunna keep looking forward and going strong. But Jesus doesn’t congratulate her. Maybe I’m crazy but it feels like He rebukes her… He says to her, Martha. I am the resurrection. I am the life.

I know I’m a pastor, but I’m not here right now trying to “teach” to you what Jesus said to Martha. But I hear these words of Jesus, and I feel Him asking me, What are you looking so forward to? Is there something more you’re looking for, something more you need? Am I not enough? I’m the promise. I’m what you’ve been waiting for. It’s Me.

“Resurrection” isn’t a promise to change your circumstances, to make things better. Resurrection is finding life in Him. It isn’t a successful career. It isn’t fruitfulness in ministry. It isn’t the church you always wanted. It isn’t marrying your sweetheart. It isn’t family reconciliation. It isn’t new friends who truly love you. It isn’t spiritual breakthrough. Your happy-ending isn’t any of those things. It’s Jesus… It’s only Jesus. Resurrection is finally filling that emptiness in life, that deadness in your soul, and Jesus is saying, It’s Me. It’s only Me. It was always Me, and it will only ever be Me. I am the Life. I am the Resurrection.

And on days like these, I lie in my bed, and the Lord helps me pray, God… You can take my friends, You can take my family, You can take my ministry, You can take my reputation, You can take my name, You can strip me of all purpose and passion, snatch away everything I’ve ever dreamed of or looked forward to, leave me naked on the street… God, You can take my happy-ending. But Lord, just give me Yourself.

Again, before you can be filled with the Spirit you must desire to be filled. Here I am met with a certain amount of puzzlement. Somebody will say, "How is it that you say to us that we must desire to be filled, because you know we desire to be. Aren't we out here tonight to hear the sermon on the Holy Spirit? Isn't this all an indication to you that we are desirous of being filled with the Holy Spirit?"

Not necessarily, and I will explain why… Are you sure that you want to be possessed by a spirit other than your own? That Spirit, if He ever possesses you, will be the Lord of your life. I ask you, do you want Him to be the Lord of your life? That you want His benefits, I know. I take that for granted. But do you want to be possessed by Him? Do you want to hand the keys of your soul over to the Holy Spirit and say, "Lord, from now on I don't even have a key to my own house. I come and go as Thou tellest me"? That is what I mean. Are you sure that you want this?

Are you sure that you want your personality to be taken over by One who will expect obedience to the written and living Word? Are you sure that you want your personality to be taken over by One who will not tolerate the self sins? He will not permit you to indulge self-confidence. Self-love, self-confidence, self-righteousness, self-admiration, self-aggrandizement, and self-pity are under the interdiction of God Almighty, and He cannot send His mighty Spirit to possess the heart where these things are.

I ask if you desire to have your personality taken over by One who stands in sharp opposition to the world's easy ways? No tolerance of evil, no smiling at crooked jokes, no laughing off things that God hates.The Spirit of God, if He takes over, will bring you into opposition to the world just as Jesus was brought into opposition to it. The world crucified Jesus because they couldn't stand Him! There was something in Him that rebuked them and they hated Him for it and finally crucified Him. The world hates the Holy Ghost as bad as they ever hated Jesus, the One from who He proceeds.

Are you sure, brother? You want His help, yes; you want a lot of His benefits, yes; but are you willing to go with Him in His opposition to the easygoing ways of the world? If you are not, you needn't apply for anything more than you have, because you don't want Him; you only think you do.

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"If you tell me Christian commitment is a kind of thing that has happened to you once and for all like some kind of spiritual plastic surgery, I say you’re either pulling the wool over your own eyes or trying to pull it over mine. Every morning you should wake up in your bed and ask yourself: 'Can I believe it all again today?' No, better still, don’t ask it till after you’ve read The New York Times, till after you’ve studied that daily record of the world’s brokenness and corruption, which should always stand side by side with your Bible. Then ask yourself if you can believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ again for that particular day. If your answer’s always Yes, then you probably don’t know what believing means. At least five times out of ten the answer should be No because the No is as important as the Yes, maybe more so. The No is what proves you’re human in case you should ever doubt it. And then if some morning the answer happens to be really Yes, it should be a Yes that’s choked with confession and tears and great laughter."