3 things I’m grateful for

1. A cat who has finally clocked into her job as ESA

2. A really good boss

3. The benefits of marriage. God today was so hard even coming home— Grieving, scared— to come home to my wife. To be the person she needed that put a piece of me in place.

Things I’m excited about

1. 4th of July weekend. Triple couple hangout

2. My job

3. The idea of having a regular work life balance (eventually right???)

Things that made me happy

- being a college graduate

- working with intelligent people

- good leftover pizza

- great music right now

- my brother called me

1. Wonderful wedding day, with wonderful surprises, the best people around me, and a great party. A beautiful bride who took me on the best honeymoon ever.

2. Friends. It feels so good. I will always be grateful to have now what I once didn’t.

Going to Kzoo today for a long weekend with some great friends (you don’t just have any old schmuck officiate your wedding)

3. Good books. Nesta’s healing journey heals a bit of me each time I read it.

I’m excited

1. Graduation even if it means leaving this chapter behind and having to deal with starting the next one

2. Moving to a nicer place and having nicer things. Finally

Secure friendship, i remember, vividly points in my life where I felt like I had no one in my support system/no one I could actually talk to about what I was feeling or thinking except one person. I remember feeling cut out of social circles and feeling the ever lingering threat of being left alone, left out or behind. I am so glad that I now have my village. I have people who when I am having a hard time at work with the kids I teach I know they will respond, theyll have good advice or they will be there to relate with me. I have people who come over, people who reach out, people who say theyre always just a phone call away. I dont have to count the days until my next social engagement. I can sit with my own company without feeling intense shame about not trying harder to be with other people.

While it might not feel abundant income. Financial stability. I have been much more down bad for cash. Now I have a life partner who I know has my back in case of emergency. I am getting better on reaching out to my parents and relying on them. I have a ob. Looking back now I know it isnt normal for a kid who is 11 to be so worried about her parents making ends meet that she is going and buying her own back to school shoes. Yeah my parents put up a little fight when I wanted expensive stuff but that isnt because they couldnt afford it, it was just not what they would personally prioritize their money towards. I am relearning how to navigate finances with my parents. The more we have open conversations about it the more I learn that it really isnt make or break. And the more times I see that example shown to me the more it is cemented in my brain in a way that assuages my anxiety.

Every time I come home for an extended period of time I think of how it could be my last time. About how the plan is to move away and leave my parents and grandparents to my siblings. I think everything will be alright but I still get guilty about missing them getting old. When is it their golden years have they already gone.

At this point I am looking for a sign from god to change my major. i cannot tell if I am just not passionate about this or if I am just not passionate about anything anymore. What happened to my joy. I need to lay out and let the sun hit my skin for a few hours on saturday maybe.