NOT A CONCUPISCENT BOT.

JUST THE MERE THOUGHT OF MY OWN SMARMY FACE SITTING UP TOP OF HIS HILL SORT OF GRITTING HIS TEETH SMUGLY DOWN AT ME FROM WHERE HE HIDES FROM HIS OWN ANTICS SENDS MY NOOK FLAPS TREMBLING, I AM CRAWLING ON THE GROUND AND BEGGING AND GROVELING TO YOU.

PLEASE SPARE ME KARKAT! MY WHOLE LIFE I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN IT WOULD HAPPEN BUT TO SEE IT FINALLY COME TO FRUITION! TO HAVE THE SAME SCREAMY ASSHOLE SAY EMBARRASSING SHIT TO ME LIVE AND IN PUBLIC WITHOUT THE ADDED MONIKER OF PAST PRESENT OR FUTURE TO HIDE BEHIND!!

WHATEVER WILL I DO!!

STOP CRYING.

FOOTBALL IS A HUMAN SPORT WHERE HUMANS ENGAGE IN THE LONG BELOVED ACT OF "PLAYING CATCH" TO ASSUAGE THEIR FATHER'S ABSENCE IN THEIR LIVES. THEY DO THIS DRESSED IN APPROPRIATE WEARS TO HOPEFULLY LURE NEW "FATHERS" THAT THEY CALL "COACH" WHO WILL BE JUST AS DISAPPOINTED IN THEM AT THE END OF THE DAY AS THEIR ACTUAL FATHERS. BUT THIS ONE IS PAID IN LUCRATIVE STREET CRED AND ENDLESS GATORADE BOTTLES, SO HE CAN'T LEAVE.

WHAT YOU *WOULD* HAVE REALIZED IF YOU WERE CAPABLE OF UTILIZING ANY PART OF YOUR THINKPAN TO DIGEST INFORMATION INSTEAD OF THROWING A HUGE PREEMPTIVE SHITSQUAWKING TANTRUM IS THAT I WAS TRYING TO SAVE BOTH OF US THE GRIEF OF LANDING IN ONE OF THESE SITUATIONS.

SO QUIT BULGECHAFING ABOUT WHATEVER IMAGINARY WAY YOU THINK I'M BARKING UP YOUR SEEDFLAP FOR TWO SECONDS AND ACTUALLY READ THE WORDS I'M SAYING ENOUGH TO REALIZE I'M NOT TRYING TO STEP UP TO YOUR FRAGILE EGO, IDIOT.

IF YOU DIDN'T THINK THIS WAS GOING TO BE ANYTHING BUT LABORIOUSLY AWFUL WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER FOLLOWING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.

ARE WE DONE NOW????? I HAVE REAL FOLLOWUP QUESTIONS HERE THAT ARE GETTING BURIED UNDER THE TIDE OF PERFUNCTORY BULLSHIT.

PSYCH!!!! IT'D BE PHYSICALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO BOMBARD MY DIGITAL EXPERIENCE WITH HIS WEIRD MAMMALIAN FACE ONE IOTA MORE WITHOUT CAUSING A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SPACIAL COLLAPSE, KILLING EVERYONE IN EXISTENCE INSTANTLY.