#NonbinaryProblems

Introduction

While there is a general assumption that all women experience in the same way - or at least very similarly - that completely dismisses the fact that race plays a huge factor in the way women are treated. Sexism and racism tend to go hand in hand and it’s irresponsible as activists to ignore that. Women of color are constantly dealing with both issues and that comes with endless harmful stereotypes. Just to name a few: “black women are angry”, “hispanic women are housekeepers”, “muslim women who wear hijabs are oppressed”, and “indigenous women are inherently promiscuous.” If we continue to assume that all women walk through life experiencing the same set of problems, we’ll miss out on so many ways we can help them fight for the rights they deserve. Indigenous women in particular are constantly being belittled and erased from the conversation so the goal of this paper is to not only educate on the problems they face in their daily lives but to also call for social change.

General Context

The Coalition to Stop Violence Against Native Women wrote an article about “MMIWG2S - Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women, Girls, and Two Spirit” in which they detail the horrible odds native women face. The article explains that murder is the 3rd leading cause of death for native women between the ages of 10 and 24 years old and the 5th leading cause of death for women ages 25 to 34 years old (CSVANW, 2022). In comparison to white women of the same age, for whom homicide is the 6th leading cause of death. Native women begin life at a disadvantage because they are so much more likely to be killed. In addition to that, a research article called “Violence Against Native Women” written by Roe Bubar and Pamela Jumper Thurman (2004) provides even more important context. Bubar and Thurman explain that “an intimate partner raped Native women at a 15.9% victimization rate” and “nearly 75% of Native American and Alaska Native female homicide victims are killed by someone they know” (p.72). These numbers show that not only is the violence coming from outside their communities, it’s also coming from within. It’s almost impossible to escape violence as a Native woman - especially in this day and age - because it has become such a large part of their lives and deaths.

A good amount of the issues that women face are because of their gender, but there’s a terrible disparity between races. It’s so unfortunate that this is the world we live in but it’s also so important that we bring awareness to this issue. White people - women specifically - have to take a step back and acknowledge the privilege they have because of their race. They have to take part in the fight to get Native women the rights they already have. This problem will never be solved if no one even knows it’s happening.

In addition to constantly dealing with violence, Native women also face financial problems even when they’re full time employees. Lean In wrote an article titled “Native American women face a pay gap—and that’s part of a much bigger problem” in which they explain just how much the wage gap affects Native women. The article explains that Native American women earn 40% less than white men which is also 20% less than white women (Lean In, 2022). Some of the long term effects of this gap are obvious - such as the fact that they’re missing out on about 1 million dollars in income compared to white men. But some are less obvious. For example, almost 3 in 5 Native mothers are the breadwinners (online the western stereotype of men holding that role) which means that they’re unable to provide for their family because the system literally does not let them (Lean In, 2022). Native women are at a disadvantage no matter what job they hold and their families are suffering for it. While all women experience an awful wage gap, women of color feel the consequences much more than white women.

Personal Experiences

It would be hypocritical to talk about solving the problems that Native women are facing without sharing their own personal stories. Esther G. Belin (1999) is a famous Diné artist and writer and she’s most well known for her work From the Belly of my Beauty which is a collection of her poems. One in particular stood out, “Euro American Womanhood Ceremony”, and in it Belin tells the story of how Native Americans were forcefully removed from their reservations and forced into American boarding schools. She says, “[the girls] were trained to specialize in domestic household work to mimic the rituals of Euro-American women” (Belin, 1999). Women are “expected” to be housekeepers in western society but that’s not exactly the case for Native women, at least not in their cultures. That makes it even more devastating that these young women were forced into these roles. They were taken off the reservations and made to conform to societal standards that weren’t their own. So even though it’s unfortunate that white women have to deal with this stereotype, at least they weren’t stolen from their homes and then forced into it. Later on in the poem, Belin (1999) talks about the “womanhood ceremony” they were supposed to have on the reservation. They had their own way of doing things and the girls were robbed of this beautiful experience to celebrate growing older with their family and their community. This isn’t to say that white women don’t experience problems because of this stereotype, but it’s twice as unfair that native women have to deal with both the stereotype and the trauma of being forcibly removed from their homes.

Another common misconception about native people is that due to their lack of written history, their experiences aren’t as valid. A great example of this is shown in a poem written by Ophelia Zepeda (2008) called “Birth Witness” from her book Where Clouds are Formed. In this poem, Zepeda (2008) talks about how her birth is not seen as “real” in the Western world simply because she doesn’t have a birth certificate or documentation of it. She explains that her language is “too civil for writing. It is too civil for writing minor things like my birth” (Zepeda, 2008). She is forced to conform to the standards set by people who don’t know her culture in order to have even a chance of success. If there was more education about their language and their way of doing things, maybe there would be systems in place to prevent this from happening to more people. But instead, Native people are constantly having to explain themselves or just accept that no one will ever take the time to truly understand. The documentary A Thousand Voices (2014) shares many different stories from Native women of different backgrounds and how they are adapting to living in a Western society. One in particular stood out, a story told by a man about his grandmother. He talks about how she always put on a brave front in the face of bullying in discrimination because she wanted to teach him “a lesson of compassion. And a lesson of strength” (A Thousand Voices, 2014). However, as inspiring as that story is, it’s also a bit sad. Outside of their community, there is an assumption that women are weaker and quieter and in order to protect their family, they have to fit that as best as they can. His grandma could have stood up for herself and her grandson but it was just easier to walk away. She was limited by the way society expects her to act. So yes, this man was taught a lesson of strength and compassion but he was also shown how damaging stereotypes can be. He describes his grandmother as a strong leader and beautiful woman and she is all of those things, but she’s forced to live in a white centric world which means that she can’t be that all of the time which is sad.

Racism on Film

One of the best places to see examples of the different ways women are mistreated due to their race would be film. It’s common for a woman to be background characters on film and play nothing but a love interest, but it’s a little bit different for Native women due to the many stereotypes at the disposal of the writers. The time period a movie is made can also play a big part in the treatment of the female characters in it. For example, Stagecoach, a film directed by John Ford in 1939, has a shameful portrayal of women of color. Despite the main “villain” of the film being the Apaches, there is only one Native woman who’s given a speaking role. And for the most part, all she does is break up the plot of the movie with a song (Stagecoach, 1939). This scene serves little to no purpose and it seemed like all the writers were trying to do was make her look and sound beautiful. Native women are often sexualized both on film and in real life and this movie is no exception. Even in a movie that’s supposedly about Native Americans, their roles are lackluster, stereotypical, and demeaning.

In comparison to Stagecoach, Drunktown’s Finest has a more modern yet just as depressing depiction of the treatment Native women experience. One of the characters, Felixia, is transgender and the audience gets to see how she navigates the world as a trans woman of color. Felixia is a sex worker and she uses her gender identity and her race to her advantage and seeks out men who fetishize women like her (Drunktown’s Finest, 2014). Given the fact that his film was made in the 21st century, it’s message is slightly better than Stagecoach because at least in this one, the Native woman isn’t just a sexual being. Felixia is actually given a personality and we see how the horrible treatment affects her. In one scene, she’s auditioning for a Native American women calendar and the other contestants make a transphobic joke at her expense and she runs off crying (Drunktown’s Finest, 2014). Even though she doesn’t fight back at this moment, Felixia is not written as a weak woman. By the end of the film, she embraces all that she is, including her culture, and doesn’t let her mistreatment rule her life.

Systems of Oppression

As previously stated about the wage gap, there are systems of oppression in place in our world that don’t allow Native women to succeed. One that affects almost every aspect of their lives is healthcare. It’s already well known that women are often not believed by doctors or their problems are brushed off with commands to “lose a few pounds.” However, when a woman of color goes to the doctor she has to deal with that on top of the fact that many doctors are either not trained to treat or diagnose patients that aren’t white or they’re just racist. A research article called In Plain Sight: Addressing Indigenous-Specific Racism and Discrimination in B.C. Health Care written by Dr. Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond explains the ways in which indigenous women are discriminated against at doctors’ offices. Dr. Turpel-Lafond (2020) lists the many stereotypes that are inflicted upon these women and they include but are not limited to: “‘Less Worthy’ of Care”, “Drinkers/Alcoholics”, and “Irresponsible/Non-compliers” (p. 21). These women have to walk into the office knowing that without even having the chance to introduce themselves, people will assume they know everything there is to know about them. That can make it incredibly difficult to argue on your behalf and fight for the treatment you deserve. In fact, Dr. Turpel-Lafond (2020) mentions that these stereotypes lead to “inappropriate/no pain management”, “rough treatment”, and “medical mistakes” (p. 22). Imagine trying to get help for a chronic illness or even something as simple as the common cold and being shamed, not believed, and even harmed by your doctor. That’s the truth that these women have to live each time they try to get help. That can lead to a mistrust of doctors, and the healthcare system in general, and they might begin to put off going to the doctor all together and not receive possibly life saving medical help.

Another place that indigenous women have to deal with racist systems is college. College is supposed to be a place of new opportunities and learning, yet so many people are shunned, discriminated against, and not given a fair chance to have those experiences. A research article written by Brenna L. Greenfield titled Understanding measures of racial discrimination and microaggressions among American Indian and Alaska Native college students in the Southwest United States explains the long term effects of such treatment. She writes, “greater exposure to discrimination on each measure had small but significant associations with more substance use, lower income, and poorer self-rated physical health” (Greenfield, 2021). This kind of discrimination has become so normalized it’s almost expected that these women experience it, yet no one is talking about what it’s really doing to them. They are at higher risk for drug problems and being poor just because they choose to go to college as indigenous women. This isn’t something that’s going to change overnight, because clearly this is a structural problem. There needs to be a larger discussion and colleges have to step up and start shutting down students who think it’s ok to treat others like this.

Conclusion

To begin, I want to tell you guys a few stories.

When I was 13, I was at the mall with a few friends. It was summer time so I was wearing a t shirt and shorts, something comfortable I could walk around in. And I thought nothing more of my outfit until a man yelled at me from behind about how much he liked my shorts.

When I was 17, a guy in my class called me “it” after he learned about my gender.

When I was 18, my mom gave me a talk before I moved here for college. She told me to not go anywhere alone at night, to always be aware of my surroundings, and to never accept a drink from someone I didn’t know.

When I was 19, I was walking to the park in jeans and a hoodie when an older man leaned halfway out his truck window just to whistle at me.

A month ago, a man waited for me to leave the gas station and walk by his car so he could tell me how hot he thought I was.

I wish I could stand up here and tell you that these are unique stories. That I’m just extremely unlucky and that these things don’t happen every single day. But I can’t.

Because the unfortunate truth of the world we live in is that gender based violence is a very prevalent issue. Gender based violence is defined as “harmful acts directed at an individual based on their gender.” Makes sense.

Today, I’m partnered with the GBVPO, or the Gender Based Violence Prevention Organization. I’m here to spread awareness to these issues, discuss one of the ways our current system is failing, and explain how your generous donations can help fix it.

While discussions about gender based violence typically revolve solely around women, I’m here to expand the conversation a little bit.

According to an article written by the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, 3% of American men are victims of attempted or completed rape. To put that into perspective that’s about 1 in 33 men. So imagine an average sized college class of all guys. It’s extremely likely that at least one of them has been or will be raped in their lifetime.

And I don’t say that just to scare you into paying attention. The stereotypical way of thinking, as awful and outdated as it is, is that men aren’t and can’t be victims. That men are too strong, too big, too tough to be victims of something like sexual assault. But that’s not true. Gender based violence is something that impacts us all and I urge you to pay attention even if you don’t have any stories like mine.

One of the biggest issues is that our system is so broken, people don’t feel like they can report gender based violence. According to an article written by UNWomen in 2022, “less than 40% of the women who experience violence seek help of any sort” and a similar article by ManKind says 49% of male victims “fail to tell anyone they are a victim of domestic abuse.” These statistics aren’t just talking about going to the police. Most people don’t tell a soul, including those they consider their closest friends.

And even if they do get the courage to look for help, people are often left with very few options.

Did you know that if you google “Women’s shelter near me” you get a list of places and websites as well as the number for the domestic abuse hotline. But if you google “men’s shelters near me” you get a list of homeless shelters. What are men supposed to do when they finally get the courage to leave their abusive partner and realize there’s nowhere for them to go?

Even if someone is able to find a shelter, there’s no guarantee that there’ll even be a spot for them. A 2017 article written by the National Network to End Domestic Violence, titled “16 Things You May Not Know about Housing for Survivors”, says they find that “when shelters are full, survivors are often faced with an impossible decision between returning to an abuser or risking homelessness”.

Our organization wants to change all of this.

We know it’s not yet feasible to change the entire judicial system or solve the homelessness problem in our country, so right now we’re focused on the individuals. We want to do more talks like this to help educate the public. We believe that the more people are able and willing to talk about these issues openly, the less common they’ll become. If more people stand up to their friends when they make a joke that doesn’t quite land if you know what I mean, the less likely they’ll be to make the same joke twice. We want to create discomfort for those that believe it’s ok to not only discriminate against but actively punish people because of their gender.

On top of that, we’re working to create and maintain safe spaces for victims of gender based violence to go.

Our hope is that we’ll be able to raise enough money to at least get the ball rolling. We are admittedly a small organization and don’t have many big name connections but everyone has to start somewhere. For us that’s with donations, but for many people it starts with housing. And with your help we can give that to them.

The GBVPO also wants to help spread the word about resources such as the domestic abuse hotline, the sexual abuse hotline, and the Trevor Project. That could be through ads on youtube, billboards, or just social media posts. And even if all we reach is one person, that’s one more person who’s willing to ask for help than there was yesterday.

While education is supposed to be a beautiful thing, it can also be incredibly painful. Sometimes, it’s preferable to stay in the dark than face the harsh reality of our world. It’s easier to ignore what’s going on around us than it is to take the time and learn about it. And while that’s all good and true, the people living in the dark are living a sheltered version of their lives. There is so much knowledge out there and it’s a shame to see people refuse to even take a glimpse at it. But sometimes the darkness is all that people know and they have no idea that light is even a possibility. But that’s why it’s so important to have someone in your life who is willing to drag you out of the darkness. The way that Plato (380) writes it, describes this process as something that would cause “pain and distress” and that you would be “overwhelmed by the sun’s beams” (p. 242). But he also describes it as something that’s worth all that hardship. His work Allegory of the Cave, is a complex story about education and it can be read from just about any lens. Oftentimes, people are born into situations that reinforce ideals that may not be their own, and it’s up to them to face the fire, leave the cave, and learn about the world.

I remember so clearly sitting on my living room couch when I was 13 and having an oh moment. Realizing that “oh god I’m not a girl and never have been oh my god what do I do now that’s so scary.” For me, that was the moment I was broken free of my shackles. And when I decided to dig deeper into my gender identity, I turned around to look at the fire and the people making the shadows on the walls of my cave. Plato (380) explains that in this moment I was “now closer to reality and seeing things more accurately” (p. 241). I was terrified but my world had expanded to include something beautiful: more knowledge. I didn't have someone to take my hand and drag me out of that cave so I had to do it myself. I forced myself to face the hard truths about my life because I knew that no matter what faced me when I entered the outside world, I was better off knowing than not. Allegory of the Cave does an incredible job explaining what this process is like while still being general enough to allow other interpretations. When I first read it, I had absolutely no clue how to tie it to gender. The story is ultimately about education and philosophy, not about any one specific discipline or moment. But when we broke it down in class and I began to think more about what Plato was really saying it became more clear. Learning about gender, especially about how it relates to yourself, is so, so scary. It’s an uphill battle with an unclear ending away from the comfort of the life you’ve always known. But as Plato (380) says, “in the realm of knowledge is goodness” (p. 244).

Allegory of the Cave reminds me a lot of an excerpt I read last semester from Dorothy Allison’s “Two or Three Things I Know for Sure”. In her book, Allison talks about the abuse she faced as a child and how as she got older, she began to understand more about why it happened and what it meant to her. Allison explains that a lot of it was a product of her environment and how her family wasn’t one to actually deal with anything. They would rather accept and brush past them than try to confront the truth of what was happening: the rape of a 5 year old girl. Allison said that she was 16 when she decided that her step father would never touch her again because she was finally starting to grasp her worth and the wrongness of the situation. Her family, the entire town she lived in really, is stuck in the shadow world. They are vaguely aware that there is more out there than what they know, but they have no desire to go out and explore it. Plato (380) would say that they would claim Allison’s eyes were “ruined, and that it wasn’t even worth trying to go up there” (p. 243). Neither Allison nor her family can even entertain the idea that the other’s points of view is better. And we might be able to objectively say that Allison is right, that they should have stopped the abuse, but can’t we only say that because we were born into the light?

Navigating life sometimes feels like walking through a minefield, just hoping and praying that with each step you take, you aren’t about to blow everything up. I can’t even begin to imagine what that’s like as a parent, let alone one who’s trying to navigate our horrifically gendered society without falling victim to any of those gender traps. From random strangers on the street, to the onesie options in Target, it’s nearly impossible to raise a child outside of these traps. So then the problem becomes, how does someone balance what society expects of them, what they want for their children, and what their children want? I think it helps to start at the very beginning and ask why people have preferences for the sex of their children to begin with. In her piece, The Gender Trap, Emily W. Kane (2012) tells us “most men preferred a son, with the women split fifty-fifty” (p. 28). How much of that is based on personal feelings and how much is based on what these parents believe is expected of them? There are so many factors in play, it’s almost impossible to say for sure. But if we can understand the why, we have a better chance at understanding the how. So I’d say it’s at least worth a second thought.

My parents are on the older side, but as a nonbinary person I had no qualms about coming out to them because they raised me in such a way that I knew gender was important but it didn’t matter to them. And when I asked my parents whether they wanted sons or daughters, the answers they gave me were about what I expected. My mom explained that she wanted boys because she “wanted more men like [my] dad in the world” and my dad simply said “we wanted 10 fingers and toes with one head.” My parents are remarkable for many reasons (most of which I don’t have the time to talk about right now) but they’re especially remarkable for this. Not that having no preference for a girl or a boy is something to be celebrated, but because it’s so outside the norm. Kane (2012) explains that “gender preferences also reveal the anticipatory construction of gender based on the… kind of relationship they expect to have” (p. 29). It can be so easy to get stuck in your head imagining what you want your life to be like, so we must challenge ourselves and ask why we want it that way. Is having a boy to play sports with somehow better than having a daughter to play sports with? Will teaching your daughter to cook be easier than teaching your son? If parents can take a step back and start to question these preconceived notions about gender, they can begin to dismantle the harsh lines society has drawn in the sand for them. They can learn how to avoid those gender traps and lead their children through life in a safe, loving environment.

One of my favorite quotes is from Toni Morrison’s Nobel Peace Prize speech. She said, “we do language” (Morrison, 1993, 21:00). It’s something that I looked at last semester in my English class and it’s something that I keep coming back to in this class. The phrasing is a little different now, but the idea is the same: we do communication. Communication is not something passive, it’s something that we participate in every day and it’s something that we must work to learn. If we were all born knowing how to talk about our gender perfectly then we wouldn’t have half as many issues as we do now. And in the same way we are active participants in communication, we are active participants in gender. We are constantly changing and shaping our own view of gender as well as the way those around us view it, both in a positive and a negative way. Parents have the ability to completely disregard the minefield and fall into as many gender traps as they would like, intentional or not. And in doing so, they are reinforcing stereotypes and they are telling their children that the way it’s always been is the way it’s supposed to be. Kane (2012) explains that in a much more sophisticated way, “the vast majority of their actions encouraged or allowed gender-typical outcomes” (p. 40). The easy route is just to continue the cycle and raise our daughters to be housewives and our sons to be aggressive money makers. We need to sit with the discomfort that comes with challenging social norms and we need to find our place in gender. Once we can do that, then we can have constructive conversations with other parents and with our children about what it really means to raise a girl or a boy. How can we do it differently from the parents of the past so that our children don’t feel stuck in a box for their whole life just like many of us did?

I was a freshman in high school when Trump won the presidential election and Obama left office and I remember very vividly how two girls from my English class reacted. They wrote “Obama” on their foreheads. Needless to say, the overall reaction wasn’t all that positive because 14 year olds are mean. And despite being a little bit judgemental - because I’m not excluding myself from the mean 14 year old description - I remember being really impressed. Because as much as I claimed to be a feminist, I was still more concerned about what people thought of me than what I thought of myself. I compromised on too many of my own values so that I could earn the respect - if you could even call it that - of my peers. I was already the first person in my grade to come out as loudly as I did, I didn’t want to give them anymore ammunition against me. bell hooks (2000) writes in her piece “Feminism is for Everybody”, “they find it easier to passively support male domination even when they know in their minds and hearts that it is wrong” (p. xiv). Feminism doesn’t always have to mean writing Obama on my forehead, but it does mean standing up for what’s right and I feel like I missed out on a lot of opportunities to do that growing up. This just goes to show that no one is immune to biases. I’m a nonbinary queer person and even I was afraid of identifying as a feminist because I knew the shame that came with that word. I like to think that I’ve grown as a person since then, and I know I’m growing each and every day. I just hope that I’ve done enough to make up for the way 14 year old Lisa let things slide.

For so many people, I feel like their issue with feminism comes from a place of misunderstanding rather than a place of sexism. They’re not malicious in their hatred of the word, they simply don’t understand what it really means. hooks (2000) says, “I believe that if they knew more about feminism they would no longer fear it, for they would find in feminist movement the hope of their own release from the bondage of patriarchy” (p. xiii). When you grow up in our world, you’re told from the moment you’re born that men are in charge and men are better than everyone else. If you’re lucky enough to have people in your life to tell you differently, then you can break the mold and fight for change. But if you don’t, you have almost no chance of finding your place in feminism - and everybody has one. You’ll live your life believing that feminism is just for straight, white, cis women and that you don’t belong. You’ll think that they all hate men and want to see the world burn. But those viewpoints aren’t always your own. That’s what hooks (2000) means by the “bondage of patriarchy” (p. xiii). It’s restricting, it’s damaging, and it limits your view of the world. But if people can find a moment to step back and look at feminism for what it really is at it’s core, they might look at the world a little differently afterwards. hooks (2000) asks us to “imagine living in a world where there is no domination, where females and males are not alike or even always equal, but where a version of mutuality is the method shaping our interaction” (p. xiv). She wants us to imagine living without that “bondage” and to ask ourselves if that’s a better world. Feminism is not about being better than someone else or being perfectly equal all the time, it’s about living in balance and harmony with one another.

Depending on who you ask, they’ll define feminism differently. Someone might say it’s “protecting and supporting women”, another might say it’s “full of man-haters”, and someone else might just give you the dictionary definition. I think that bell hooks does a fantastic job of summarizing all of those together. She defines feminism as “a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression” (hooks, 2000, xii). Feminism is - based on it’s name alone - about women, but that’s not all that it is. It encompasses everyone and everything in our world because we’re all affected by it whether we know it or not. Many men perpetuate sexism unknowingly and feminism could bring that to their attention and help them change their ways. Or they might not realize just how damaging masculine expectations are. Feminism isn’t about making women above men or about killing all men, it’s a matter of tearing down the sexist world we live in. And if a few men happen to fall with it, that’s no fault of the movement. While it may begin on an individual level, feminism holds no grounds if we don’t tackle the system.

In my English class we were talking about feminism and how the goal is to break the boxes of “female” and “male” and allow people more freedom to express themselves and be themselves. And all that is true and good but it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what gender really is. When I was first coming out as nonbinary obviously I wanted out of the “female” box but I didn’t quite want in on the “male” box either. So the question then became: do I want to combine the two or do I want a box of my own? And honestly I still haven’t figured it out.

Because in a perfect world there would be no boxes. Female and male and nonbinary and everything in between would just exist simultaneously and would be fluid and open to anyone and everyone and there would be no rules based on what you were born or identify as.

Because that’s what we all want isn’t it? We want women to be allowed to be masculine and not confined to the home and we want men to feel comfortable wearing dresses and being stay at home dads and we want trans people to not have to conform to society’s expectations of what their gender is supposed to be and look like. We just want people to be people.

So aren’t we already saying that gender is a social construct?

It’s really not such a radical idea when you think about it like that is it?

We’ve already started to see some breakdown in gender the past couple years with men wearing dresses and women wearing suits. But if you ask any of those men they aren’t wearing “women’s clothing” or a “girl’s dress.” They’re just wearing a dress. They’re just wearing clothes. So the ideas themselves of masculine and feminine are fake. Clothes and makeup and jobs don’t have genders and it makes no sense to apply them one. I’m tired of hearing the words masculine and feminine thrown around when all people really mean is to constrict one another.

And this isn’t to say that I don’t find comfort in identities and words because I do. I am openly, proudly, and loudly nonbinary. Nothing is going to take that word away from me. It’s mine. I think there is a power in having a word for your identity just as much as I think there’s power in just existing. But I have to ask myself, would I care so much about that word if there were no boxes to begin with? Would I cling so desperately to nonbinary and queer if the world hadn’t tried to force such restrictive words on me before I discovered who I was?

The answer is probably no. If when I was born I was just viewed as “Lisa” I have no doubt in my mind that my life would have been simpler. If there was no “girl,” no “tomboy,” no “faking it,” no “masculine,” no “feminine,” no “androgynous” then I could have avoided years of trouble. If I was simply left alone and allowed to exist I would be so much happier. Wouldn’t we all?

But no matter how much I preach, how much I scream into the void that gender doesn’t matter, it does. And it probably always will. Our world has been designed in such a way that gender is ingrained in our minds as something that’s important. And that’s never going to change. So I have to let go of my dream of a perfect world. I have to accept the fact that these boxes exist and as much as I know they’re made up they will always exist.

So we go back to my original question. Do I want to combine the two boxes or carve out my own? The answer, for me and for everyone else, should always be to carve out your own. Find your place in this world and own it as openly and proudly and loudly as I do. Whether your box looks just like mine or it matches “female” or “male” perfectly, it is yours, and that’s all that matters.

ive run out of excuses abt not posting but hi im not dead or anything

i had a really hard time figuring out what to post and when to post and what to write about and what yall would wanna hear but i realized that it doesnt matter?

my life is abt sm more than being nonbinary now and i have so many other stories and thoughts that i wanna share w the world so im just gonna do it

so yes im still nonbinaryproblems and ill still post abt that but ill probs be talking more abt my chronic illnesses/injuries bcuz those are more prominent in my life rn

Wow ok so it’s been a hot minute since I actually posted something on this blog. Most of my replies to asks/messages have featured some version of “omg im so sorry i didnt reply sooner” and honestly I wish I had a better reason for being so inactive but I really don’t. I’m about to start my senior year of high school which means that I just finished my junior year and that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Junior year sucked ass there is no polite way to put it, it was just terrible. 

But even though it was terrible in most ways there were still a few positives so to get myself interested in writing and posting again I’m going to update you guys on them (whether you want to hear it or not). 

Hi!

I’m so sorry for such the late response I don’t really have a good excuse 😓

When I feel androgynous and want to look it I tend to gravitate more towards neutral colors. I also wear jeans and t shirts as opposed to any other type of shirt/pants that may call attention to certain parts of my body. I also have short hair so that coupled with mascara tends to do the trick for me. And I also avoid jewelry (but that’s more a personal choice than an androgynous thing).

Transgender day of remembrance was last week on the 20th. It’s a day when we remember and honor everyone that we’ve lost to anti-trans violence and hate crimes.

TW: Mentions of violence, transphobia, and hate crimes. It is not very descriptive but please be careful if this is a sensitive topic for you. Stay safe!

Hi Michael!

I so so wish I could donate but I don’t have a lot of money as is :( Hopefully some of my followers can donate though. Even if you can’t please reblog this so the word gets out 🙏🏻

Good luck reaching your goal ❤️

I recently saw a post on Instagram saying that if you didn't experience dysphoria then you weren't allowed to call yourself trans or nonbinary and that it was damaging to "real trans people" to do so. And I just have to say that is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. 

People talk a lot about picking out new pronouns and dealing with people misusing them sometimes. And all anyone talks about is other people misusing them. It's never yourself. But that couldn't be more incorrect. 

Hi anon!

If there is anything that I’ve learned in the past few years that I’ve been coming out to people is that there is no wrong way to do it. If you didn’t feel that it was the right time to tell your girlfriend that you’re nonbinary then that’s all there is to it. Telling her now is totally ok. 

She might feel like you didn’t trust her enough to tell her sooner, but I assume that’s not the case. Often times, people just need to take time to become more comfortable and confident in themselves before they can come out to other people. If you explain that to her I’m sure she will understand. 

Hi! Thank you so much for this! Sorry it took me so long to post this I haven't been very active recently (as you all can tell).

1. My eyes

2. My smile

3. My ability to make people laugh

4. My thighs (I'm embracing them)