Nom de Plume

I've been thinking a lot about women lately and topics that concern women's rights and things like that of late, i.e. feminism and what that terms means and what it should mean, sex and the different ways its viewed for men and women, and things like that. And today I had a thought that I just had to write about. It was more like two reoccurring thoughts and ideas I had had many times in the past except today I somehow lined them up against each other and saw how interesting they aligned. 

First, I often find myself thinking about women and the theme in our culture and society today to treat woman as objects for our physical pleasure and gratification, both consciously and subconsciously. A lot of the time it is done mutually; both men and woman have a tendency to speck with one another about the opposite sex (or just generally whoever they are attracted to) as objects of their affection. They admire their physical characteristics, this isn't an exclusively a male thing that is done. It is both misogynistic and anti-feminist but women and I'm sure even feminist fall claim to doing it as well. So hence its an interesting question to pose about if this is okay if it is equal i.e. both sexes do it about whomever they are attracted to? I think not, but it will happen anyway and its important to note that when men do it is wrong but it is just as wrong when women do it. Treating anyone as an object that you want to use merely for your own physical gratification only leads to you seeing them as less of a person and just a thing.

Personally, its degrading to me when I know guys are interested in me just because I'm good looking and pretty, etc. One could argue that this should make me feel confident that men enjoy the way I look, and in some ways it can because I do take pride in the way I look and I like it when both men and woman appreciate the way I look. (As a side note, that is also not something thats anti-feminist. You can be a feminist and still wear make up and want to be pretty and do all those things. It's just a matter knowing why you do those things and doing them because you want to not because you feel that you are supposed to or that you should in order to make yourself more attractive.) Anyway, I also find myself being interested in men just because I find them attractive. That's sort of a knee jerk reaction. But I suppose if two people are interested in each other physically and they are upfront about that and they know what each others intentions are, then that is fine? From there, I think what makes me uncomfortable about the thought that a man only is seeing me as an object is when they pretend that is not what they are doing. If they try to deceive me by pretending to be interested in what I have to say, etc just to try to get with me; that makes me extremely uncomfortable and disgusted. Both for reasons mentioned and also I feel insulted that this man assumes that I need him to pretend to validate my intelligence or thoughts etc and doing that will trick me into falling into bed with him. Mutually respect. Tell me exactly what you want from me and go from there. Honesty may not always be the BEST policy but straight up lies and deceit are the WORST policies, so theres that. 

Now on the other hand, I think lately there has been a bit of a theme evolving in our culture and society about the 'good guy'. It's sort of a straight up contrast if we look at it this way; the 'bad guy' (aka the frat boy, the bro, the jock, etc) is the one trying to bed as many women as possible by whatever means necessary where as the 'good guy' (aka the nerd, geek, loser, etc) claims to be getting the short of the stick with girls because they sincerely love their crushes and would appreciate them and treat them like goddesses but their chances are always stolen by the 'bad guys'. (As a side note, of course not all guys fall into these two characters. Most don't even do probably. But I still feel these are two main themes that men feel they need to put themselves in one or the other in order to define themselves and give themselves identity and excuse for their relationships.) Just by the very names given to these two types i.e. 'good' and 'bad', it is obvious which one we should sympathize with. The 'good bye' in every film and tv show is a smart, kind, young boy who everyone refers to as the underdog and roots for him to get the girl ('get the girl', a phrase that should never be used because pursing a relationship should not be thought of as a competition in which your partner is a prize to be got). However, as admirable as this may seem it also has a lot of downsides I think. What these so called 'good boys' are doing is not much different, and some would argue even worse, than what these 'bad boys' are doing. This characteristic 'good boy' finds a girl that he most likely knows nothing about; he is merely attracted to her beautiful looks and perhaps she is unique or shy or confident or smart or something that makes her stand out to him. He then becomes infatuated with her, sees her as this perfect goddess who deserves the best guy on the planet (aka him) who will treat her like a princess and give her whatever she wishes, etc because she is so PERFECT. He puts her on this other wordily pedestal in which woman is a complex being that can never be comprehended by meager and mortal men. They personify women as this mythical creature of lust and purity and virtue and pleasure. 

Personally, I struggle with which dishonest perception of women is worst. Would I rather be objectified for my perceived physical characteristics or romanticizes for my perceived other worldly intelligence and philosophical insight? It's an interesting debate because both of these aspects of my life are things I work hard for and am proud of. I work out and pride myself on looking healthy and in shape and clean and put together. But I also pride myself on being smart and intelligent and independent and unique. However, when you take either to the extreme and just assume these things without actually knowing anything about me is what is disgusting to me. I honestly hate it when guys claim that they really like me when in reality I know they don't know anything about me. You can't 'like' me if we have never had a real mutual conversation. I refuse to believe that you can. 

What do I mean by all this rambling? I think the point is that men should stop falling in love with what they think and perceive about women. Of course there will be ways in which a woman gets your attention, whether its something she says or does or how she looks, etc. But before you fall head over heels in trying to get this girl to notice you slash look at you slash like you back, take a step back. Sit down and decide if you want to take the time to get to know this girl and make sure you actually like her before you decide to pursue anything with her. Or be honest with her and tell her your true intentions if the only thing you want is physically from her. Be honest with her and with yourself. And never personify and romanticize her into this other worldly creature; woman are woman. Feminism, although not necessarily named what is should be, is all about equality of the sexes. EQUALITY OF THE SEXES. 

I'm planning through a whole other post about the word feminism and the rhetoric that goes a long with it. Coming very soon, I hope. Thanks for reading, guys. 

All my love, 

Usually, I get an idea and I start developing it in my head and that is when I start getting the itch to write about it. I know I have a ton of things I have been mulling over and planning to write about eventually but right now, I can't even think of one of them. Today, I just know that I need to write. But of course, the one day I am really motivated and I need to get some thoughts out of my head and semi organized into tangible thoughts (per se), I can't think of anything to write about. Completely blank right now. I suppose I will just write and hopefully it will develop into something that resembles logical thoughts. 

I suppose I could tell me you about my life of late. A lot of things have been going on lately. I'm taking a eight credit language course over the summer so I have class five hours everyday and I am working so I have been keeping pretty busy, which is good for me. I am living on my own which is definitely different, it has both it pros and cons for sure. I'm feeling kind of shitty right now. Not like a normal sort of down day but more like a day where I can't seem to muster any self confidence and hence that is effecting the rest of my attitude for the day. 

Anyway, my class is really great. I really enjoy it, it is really small which is nice and I've made some good friends. I think one of the boys likes me, but I don't know how I feel about it. I fear I have been leading him on a bit, which may be effecting my mood today because I feel guilty if I have been leading him on because I am unsure if I feel any of the ways about him but then again when I think that I then think that I am being absurd and cocky. Why am I assuming he likes me enough to care or be upset if I don't like him back. Thus, leading the dive in self confidence on the day. I don't know. I'm kind of confused. I can't tell if this is logical thinking and thats why I am feeling a bit down or I'm just having a down day and thus thinking illogically. This isn't like other down days I have had though.  This is different, but I don't know how. I hate when this happens. Just when I think I have it all figured out and I can manage this think, it throws me a curve ball and I don't even know whats going on. Which way is up? I don't even know. 

I had to fly home this past weekend to go to a wedding. The wedding was actually kind of fun and I enjoyed it quite a bit. However, my grandmother is really sick and this was sort of acting as a big goodbye for the family. Attending this wedding was her last wish and the the doctors say its a matter of days or weeks before she passes on. I am scared. She is my beautiful darling and I am hers. She watched me grow up and I watched her grow old. I know her and she knows me, which is not a mutual relationship I have with a lot of people. Mom is there handling all the things and I know its killing her as well. My dad and sister and uncles are helping as much as they can, but I feel so guilty that I can't be there to help her. We are supposed to be the team, you know? 

There are two thoughts of discourse about this boy, I think. At least two that I am join to lay out here but really obviously there could be more. Anyway, admittedly he texted me the other night when I was at the wedding seeing if I was back in town yet and wanted to come over to a party (even though he probably already knew I wasn't) but he admitted the next day to being slightly inebriated. So, I don't know what that means? Tow thoughts, he likes me and his drunken subconscious wanted me to be with him and come over and hang out and see what happens etc because he actually likes me. However, on the other hand, I have only known him for three weeks and we are somewhat close and good friends but I'm not sure why he would like me anyway so the second thought of discourse is that he just wanted me to come over and drunkenly hook up with him. Which, admittedly I wouldn't have minded doing. But honestly, it would probably just open up a whole mess of doors of having to define some sort of relationship and A LOT of awkwardness is class. As a side note, I can't think of any reason why he would text me if he wasn't interested in me in someway (either just physically or intellectually or both or whatever, or I guess it could have been just as a friend, right?), which should be a good think for my self-confidence, right? So why do I feel so shitty about it? 

When it comes to boys and relationships, I always wonder when am I suppose to make a decision. Do I have to decide wether I like them or what I want from them when I start suspecting that they like me. Or wait until they declare themselves and then I should know then or can I take some time or figure it out. I'm making a bigger deal out of this than is warranted. I don't know if I am in interested in him or not therefor its not on me to make any kind of move right? But does that mean I should make a non move and beg off so he doesn't get the wrong idea. 

There's nothing like confronting the death of a loved one to challenge your non faith. I was raised to have faith in God and heaven and all the things but since I have grown up and mostly rejected the idea of that God that I was taught, I haven't really had to confront the death of a loved one since then. I have fought my own battles with God and my belief in the lack thereof but I haven't had to face the reality of someone else. Does that make sense? It would be so easy to say that when my grandmother dies she will be going to a better place with family and friends and everyone she has lost and she will be with God for all eternity and will be happy and all the things. That's what I was raised to believe and I still find myself almost falling back on that thought when I think about it. It's the easiest way to rationalize the pain and hurt and sorrow. But when I choose to reject the premise of this all mighty God who makes everything better in heaven, then I must also reject the other claims or eternal peace and happiness. So, what is left? I feel so guilty. What am I supposed to do, what can I do? I have few doubts that I would be able to come to terms with my own death. It's easy to say to myself that if I were to die there would be nothing to worry about because I would either just cease be nothing this nothing to worry about or question, or like something would happen to me. I don't know what, but I would be ready for 'the next big adventure'. But my grandmother, so frail and small now. So scared and sad and lost and hopeless, what is going to happen to her? Will she cease to exist? It makes no sense, I don't get it. How can that be? Are humans supposed to be able to fathom their own non existence? I feel like that can't be natural to imagine your own or others non existence. Gone, to be just gone. Gone? 

The worst part is that when she dies they are all going to spew that religious, God, heaven bullshit at me and each other to help us feel better and feel less guilty. The opium for the masses. It's like a mental painkiller, a constant line of morphine to the nerves if your willing to blindly believe it and not question it. Even if you start to question it, ween yourself off the drip for just a few seconds the unfathomable abyss of questions with no answers opens itself to their eyes and they then they are begging of the morphine back to keep them alive, with the apologies to God for ever doubting him. The easy way out. Nothing in like worth doing is easy. I wholeheartedly believe that. 

That was a very hard thing to do. To say goodbye to my grandmother this weekend for forever. She is still alive but I know I will probably never see her alive again. Does she know? Did she know that was the last time she will ever see me? I'd like to think we have a special relationship, I am very close with her as I'm the youngest of her grandkids and we use to hang out a lot and she took care of me when I was young and as we both got older, I took care of her. I know she doesn't love me anymore than my sister or any of my cousins, but I still liked to think she loves us all in different ways. Especially because we are all so different and with me being the youngest I am different from them in a lot ways. I'm the only one with out a companion, all my cousins are married and my sister is a serial monogamist, but I don't nor have I ever really had someone like that. I wonder if she worried about that and about me. That's another thing though, it was always the two of us because everyone else always had someone else. Mostly, everyone always had a partner and then it was me and her. Me and her against the world. 

I can't decide if it would have been better for her to have stayed perfectly healthy and died in some unnatural way or if what has happened, the having to watch her literally deteriorate before my eyes but still sort of get the chance to say goodbye is preferable. 

And my poor mother. She is so stressed, watching her own mother die before her eyes but trying to make her comfortable and happy whilst it happens.

Guilty. Confused. 

Until next time, 

Guys! I know I have been away for a while and I am sorry. I've been super busy and honestly, almost every night I think about sitting down and writing but then I am just exhausted and want to go to sleep or I sit down and think about what I want to write and then by the time I'm done thinking I am so mentally exhausted that I just wanted to go to sleep. Anyway I am sorry! 

Mainly, one of the big things that has been motivating me to want to write lately is an 'epiphany' (note the quotes) I had about a week or so ago. I don't know it was weird. I'll get right to it, I reckon. 

I think I have written a bit on here about my belief in this whole people need people thing? Right. In short, its basically that I was really into the idea that people need people in order to make life meaningful. You know, like interactions with others and learning about others. Diversity always enriches like, right? 

However, another big aspect of my 'philosophy of life' (if you will and thats not too pretentious oh well) is the idea of the human consciousness. And that interacting with it and noticing it being a big part of what make life and living life meaningful and significant and like actually something. In short, thinking. Thinking critically and logically about things, not passively. For example, recognizing cliches. Mostly, cliches are a cliche for a reason. Or like stereotypes (which I realize is kind of a whole other debate but I'm just using them for brief example now.) are usually a thing because they have some basis in the truth or the typical, even when that has been distorted into something negative or not universally true. However, these often get stigmatized and people just believe them because they are the norm. But I think its crucially important and relevant and enlightening to think these things through. Make sure you actually think them and agree with them, and you are not just promoting them because society is telling you you should and are supposed to. Very important. 

So you know engaging and interacting assertively and aggressively (forgive the connotation) with the world and your own thoughts and beliefs and consciousness. Crucial. Its something I value very highlight and I hate to waste my time just being passive in thought and not engaging. 

Here is where the two thoughts I've laid out here will converge. People need people & as much as possible constant conscious engagement with the world. 

My ephinany occurred when I was home for a bit with a couple friends from high school. We were out sitting on a dock in my friends back yard, having a good time just shooting the shit and hanging out like we did all throughout senior year and the summer before we all left, etc. One of those nights that make you think about the stories you will tell people of your days as being young and having all the time in the world to just sit and think and talk and laugh about nothing. This is when it hit me and I will try to explain it as best as possible here but I'm not sure I'll be able to do it justice quite. 

Anyway, the thought that sort of crept up on me was whilst we were just talking about nonsense things that weren't really though provoking or anything. And I found myself thinking that I wasn't bored exactly but it was very similar to when I'm just trolling through the internet or something like that; it was just something I was doing to pass the time and to put off doing anything that really needed to be done. Thus, that is when the big thought popped into my head. What if other people are merely just another form of distraction that aid in putting off having to deal with the human conciseness? I know people go on and on about the best times of your life are spent with ones and love usually doing nothing memorable, but what if thats not right? What if, just like the internet and tv and books and music etc, is no different really from hanging out with people and interacting with people if they're all just ways to distract yourself?

From here bring up a whole plethora of questions and disputes, I know. If its not for people and engagement with other human beings with consciousness than what is the point? This is MY point; WHAT IS THE POINT? 

To re explain, I'm not saying that reading a good story and hanging out with friends are the same thing, intellectually engagement wise as watching some mind numbing television show or reading the latest celebrity gossip. There are differently different levels of these distractions and I do truly believe that all bring something to world and anyone can take something away from them. However, there is a sort of order of the relativism and helpfulness they go in.

Finally (I think), the last point I want to make is about creativity and such. All these things I'm considering as a distraction to the human consciousness and thinking about life and meaning and worth are also, on the other side of the coin, something that was made or created by someone unique. A lot of time and energy and thought was put into it and that has to play a role as well right? To create something and have it perceived is a way of creating meaning for oneself, I suppose. I also suppose there are different levels of that as well. 

That's all I have for now but I'll try to elaborate on this more in the future. Any questions, concerns, comments, etc please place them in the ask! All for now & thanks for reading. 

Love from, 

Blare xo

Okay guys I know I haven't posted in a while so I'm just going to do something fun and happy to let you guys know I'm still alive and well!

For that little something, I'm going to rank my favorite The 1975 songs (from The 1975 album only, I still really need to listen to their few earlier ones. Yikes!) I might do this with some other albums (Red, the eventual 5SOS album, +, etc) but anyway here it goes! 

1. Menswear

2. Robbers

3. Chocolate

4. Sex

5. She Way Out

6. Heart Out

7. Girls

8. Settle Down

9. The City

10. Talk!

11. Pressure

12. M.O.N.E.Y.

13. Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You?

14. The 1975

15. An Encounter

16. 12

This is just my opinion and honestly I love all of these songs and think this is an absolutely phenomenal album. It's had a lot of effect on me, personally. I feel in love with Matty Healy through this album, but I mean c'mon who didn't? If you haven't listened to it, you need to! I know so many people say that about so many albums but actually give it a chance when you can. So many people told me that I needed to listen to them because it was so 'me' and they were right. One of my all time favorite bands, albums, songs, etc. 

Love from, 

xo Blare

Okay, so I’ve just been going through a lot lately actually. Which, for me, is a weird thing to admit. I don’t know, my life is usually pretty uncomplicated or maybe I’m just really good at dealing with and organizing that uncomplicated-ness. It’s really not that complicated right now I’m just being overdramatic and I think I just need to write it all down and just get it out because I’m having a day/week/life. 

The first thing that is really stressing me is that I am applying to be an Resident Assistant for next year. And I’m not going to bullshit with you; I really want this. I haven’t really told anyone else how badly I want this but I do. So so so badly. We had the last round of interviews last night and now I find out next Wednesday, the nineteenth. But if I don’t get it, I will be really upset but I won’t regret it. I am really happy about what I did in all my interviews for the most part. I was me and if people don’t want to hire me for me then there is really nothing I can do about that and it’s up to them. I really made sure I put it all out there and did a good job in my interviews because even though I am going to be worried sick for the next week, I know I did my best and its out of my hands now. Maybe that’s corny but hey I warned you that I was having a day. 

The next big thing that has been stressing me lately is my major and all those sort of academic things. So my first major is a BPhil in International Studies and it is a big thing sort of that I’ll explain to you one day I’m sure. But with it, you have to pick another major to go along with it. And that’s where I am having trouble. I was really into Political Science this semester and it’s what I have been telling people when they ask me but know I am getting a bit doubtful. And I think the most stressful part is that you can only take five classes, give or take, a semester and its really hard to be able to take classes that you want to teach you about a certain major and stuff when you are worried about not being able to fit in all your gen eds, majors, minors, certificate things, etc. Phew, deep breath. So now I am sort of swinging between Philosophy and Political Science and I just don’t know nor do I know how to figure it out. 

On top of this just the general run down of classes and everyday life has me more stresses than usual. My stress rash is really coming on strong right now and it’s getting really embarrassing. However, the one great thing is that I love the people on my floor and it has really become my first real home I think. I don’t know what I will do without them next year but that’s a big reason I want to be an RA is to be able to build that sort of community both for me and for other new freshman just coming to school. If you are an avid reader, you know I don’t have the best relationship with my family and parents, etc. But here is the first real family I have ever had where I feel like I belong. The most amazing thing about it is on those days when I am just really stressed and feeling really shitty about myself and all I want to do is get in the shower and slash my skin to bits or go to the bathroom and force my fingers down my throat and doing those things are all I can think about during the day to help me feel better but then I go home and there are people there to great me and love me and then I get to that time when I’m in the shower and I think to myself that wow I really don’t want to hurt myself tonight. I mean that’s kind of a gross oversight about the whole experience but I don’t know how to explain it better.

Okay, I do feel better now that I’ve blog some of this stuff out so I am going to stop here. My arm still itches like crazy though. Arghhhh. 

Thanks for listening, 

This was my horoscope for today. Side note, I’m not a big fan of astrological horoscopes but my friends and I at school all get them and it’s just a fun thing when we all are together and discuss them sometimes. Anyway, I kind of love it and hate it at the same time.

On one hand, I want to love it and wish it was true. And perhaps it is but on the other hand, when I saw this today but first thoughts went something like, “Wow, what kind of dick sends this to someone who is bipolar?”

Obviously, it just reenforces my non belief for astrology. Of course, I am sure they're are many who would argue that this is completely true and bi-polar disorder and depression are all shit. Some of those people include my parents. 

Off to study because I'm in college. In a dorm. Without my family. Thank the heavens. 

Love you all,

B

So I'm just going to jump right in. Beware, this could get heavy/confusing/weird/nonsensical. 

So, this semester I am taking Political Theory and I like it a lot. Especially because it's sort of a mix between two of my favorite subjects, political science and philosophy. Right now we are reading Aristotle's Ethics and Politics and I have gained a lot from reading them. I'm not saying Aristotle's argument is flawless and great here, it definitely has it's flaws. But if you can work around to disregard some of them, he still makes a pretty attractive argument. 

In a nut shell Aristotle says, that the human function is to flourish. By flourish, he basically means to be happy. And in order for one to flourish they must live in the Polis (or just a community, in general) and make virtuous choices. He defines virtuous choices as choices that promote the best good and often the intermediate between two other choices. For example, he says courage is the virtue between rashness and cowardice.  How one makes virtuous choices is through deliberation which is done through human reason. And in order to be truly flourishing, one must deliberate and make these virtuous choices habitually. They must learn to habituate themselves to be virtuous through being virtuous and making virtuous choices. 

This is sort of a gross oversight but it kind of gets the gist of it. But you know, I don't really believe in coincidence and it was very strange that I started reading and learning this particular philosophy when I did. It was when I was right in the midst of some pretty heavy internal debates about life and people and the meaning of it all. And it really helped me to organize my thoughts and realize some things that I already knew but just hadn't been able to put together.

There was something that I learned in my sophomore year of high school that I had always carried with me as one of those things that I thought were very important. Do you know what I mean? One of those things that you hang on to because you know that it is true and it is just pure knowledge and you hold it firm to life. This was one of those things. But also, I came across another one of those things last semester that I added to my collection of things. I have a couple but these two are not necessarily the most important but the two that relate to me now and the two I can remember the most. However, the others I'm sure tie in some way because it all comes down to that human end and function. 

Anyway, the first one I learned from a gym teacher I had for Sports Medicine my sophomore year. He was also the varsity baseball coach and 'friends' with my parents and uncles (I come from a small town like that) and a total dick, but still. Funny how that happens. Anyway, he would test us on stuff we might not know because that was how he could assess how he knew what we really knew and didn't know. To build off of this, he would always hate it when students tried to defend themselves by saying 'but you knew what I meant'. By these things, his point was that it doesn't really matter what you mean or what you say or what your intentions were. Those things will never be completely clear to someone that is not you. He didn't know exactly what you meant or said, he only knew what you did. Actions, not words. 

How does this link up? Well how does action occur? Through deliberation and ultimately choice. Thank you Aristotle and [name redacted, but rhymes with Penny Ping and oh boy if anyone from my town reads this they will probably connect the dots ;)].

The second thing I learned through a quote I read a couple of months ago. Ironically enough, I first read it because TWLOHA's picked it up and put it on a tee shirt, but they originally got the quote from Tumblr. I now own the tee shirt, btw. 

Here's the quote:

"You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living, breathing screaming invitation to believe better things."

From that, I grasped that people need people. No matter what. I also think it is very important to learn how to live alone and how to be okay with being lonely and to depend on yourself, but ultimately you will need people if you want to flourish/be happy. That links up to Aristotle with the idea of the Polis and community. Thanks Tumblr. 

People need people. You need community. You need a community of people that care about you in some way. Friends, family, companions. 

Your life will be filled with choices. You have to make the right ones, the virtuous ones. The ones best for you. Life is marked by action and those actions define you. 

I think that's about right. 

For now, 

Sorry guys, I've been super busy! I keep trying to wait for a time when I have free time to write but that is not a thing that I acquire anymore. So I'm just going to start trying to fit writing into my schedule. Because it makes me happy and I need it. 

Anyway, some thoughts:

I feel like it is a well known conception that when you go to college, you automatically get rid of all those ignorant, undesirable, close minded people from high school that just generally ruin life. To some extent, this is true. But to other extents, there is most definitely a larger number of undesirable people in college than is to my liking.

There are still people who don't care about their grades. People who will never realize nor care how their actions effect other people. People who are too scared and oblivious to take a step back and think about their lives. They are still those close minded people who don't care about anyone who is different from them or who have gone through different/hard things in their lives. People who are just blowing their parents money and wasting time.

Paper kids having paper fun. Blowing time and incredibly rare experiences that some kids would kill for. It honestly makes me sick. Tis life, I suppose. I don't think we will ever reach a place where there aren't those people who just don't get it. And they unsettle me but nonetheless, they remind me what I want and don't want and who I don't want to be and what I don't want to do. 

All people are shitty, all people are flawed. Myself included. But some people grow through that and they mess up but they learn and they care and they love and they are wise. I want to be those people. 

All my love, 

I don't know this is really random and now at all of any importance but it's just something I have thought about a lot and we kind of talked about it in World Art class the other day. 

Anyway, photography. It's great. I love pictures and all that jazz. Just something I don't understand about it though. One of my good friends I went to high school with, his mom had an absurd amount of like those nice photographs of like beaches and the ones of whale flukes poking out the ocean and some other really cool photographs too. You know? Don't get me wrong they are very nice. 

But personally, if I just prefer (when I prefer it) art that is the kind that I can't see anywhere else. You can see really stunning pictures of like the New York City skyline or like mountains or bodies of water, but if I really wanted to see those things I could find out where the picture was taken and go see them in person. I mean I know a picture lasts longer and all and it can preserve a memory but I don't know I just think I prefer the kind of art you can't see anywhere else. Like a painting or something that someone created out of nothing. Sure it can be recreated or people can try to model it, but it was pure creation. Perhaps inspired by something else but still nothing until it was itself. 

Does this make any sense? Probably not. That's okay. Just a thought. 

Hey guys! 

So I am back at school and started my first week of classes for the semester this week. I have been super busy and will probably continue to be busy for the preceding months so I just wanted to give you guys an update. 

My classes have been going well so far. I think it's going to be a good semester. School keeps me pretty occupied and busy a lot of the time and a busy Blare is a happier than average Blare most of the time. But, you know. The things. 

I am still going to try to write as much as possible but I can't make any promises. Lots of stuff to do. Feel free to send in any questions, etc and I'll be sure to answer those ASAP. It just gets hard to sit down and focus long enough to write and plan out a whole post of something. Especially when I am worried about other things I am supposed to be doing and/or people looking over my shoulder when I am typing. I'm just a little paranoid, guys. Nothing to worry about, really. 

That's all for now. I've got some free time before my next class so I am going to try to que up some posts for you know. 

Love y'all, 

So today my mom happen to tell me in passing that it is one of my distant relatives birthdays. Her name is Aunt Ann. I don't really know her at all. Literally, I can't even picture her or anything but that's not the point. The point is that she is turning ninety-five today. Is that not just plain crazy?

I mean, can you imagine? What does one do with ninety-five plus years of life? Like when you know it's coming down to the last bits how can you possibly look back and feel happy and confident that you spent ninety-five whole years the way you wanted to.

You can't. I don't think.

That's why I have never really been on about whole live every moment to the fullest and all that crap, etc. You can't possible live every moment of your life happy and blissful. To me, that wouldn't be much of a life.

I think this pain, this sadness and fear and agony and hate and loneliness, they mean something. They are here and happening for a reason. I have to believe that something good will come out of them.

When I am having good days, it is the memories of how I got through those bad days when I was most definitely not living life to it's fullest that make me feel stronger and give me hope for the future.

Is that a paradox?

I have always thought of myself as the type of person who would live a colorful and interesting and marveling and inspiring life and die young because of/for it. You know what I mean. I've always been that free spirit kind of young woman who shed light but only the people who actually cared about her saw it. Everyone else just pretended that they did while she was alive and after she dies they talk about how amazing she was and how inspiring and life changing she was blah blah but do they actually believe it or they say it because of grief and guilt or do they actually just realize they never paid enough attention because their heads were too far shoved up their own and their friends asses? 

Just a question. You know, casual. 

Anyway, if I live to by ninety-five or even anywhere near there I literally can't even finish that sentence. I am eighteen years old. 

And I live in the now. I wonder, but I am trying to focus on the things in front of me in any moment. I don't want to get trapped in the labyrinth where I am only ever looking forward to things and not enjoying what happens here. 

I wonder if, in this mess or words and pain and horrible grammar, there are actually any novel thoughts in here. 

All for now, 

Literally this has happened to me countless times in my life. 

Don't you hate it when your parents/siblings feel the need to point out to you some negative feature about yourself? 

"Blare, you've got a pimple there on your nose you know?"

"Honey, look at these bruises you have here dear." 

"You see that rash is getting bad again, Blare?"

Like, no shit. Thanks for informing me about some horrible feature currently taking over my physical appearance so much that you feel the need to point it out to me in case I haven't looked in a mirror in a week and a half. 

Appreciate it! 

Phew, five more days until I'm back at school. 

"What worries me the most is this trend that caring about something isn't cool. That it's better to comment on something than to commit to it. That it's so much cooler to be unmotivated and indifferent." A. Poehler 

I have been wanting to write this post about apathy and it's recent rise to coolness for a while now but I just saw this quote the other day and it really inspired me to rethink my perspective a little bit and get out here and write this post. Woop, woop! 

When I talk about changing my personal perspective it is because I recently realized just how often I fall victim to what I'm going to talk about in this post. Admittedly, I am a pretty relaxed and chill person, I think. I don't usually care about little things I think maybe this has something to do with me being focused on a bigger picture? Like I'm not a picky eater (with the exception of meat, yeah yeah I know bury me under the weight of my contradictions) and I don't really care about what I do with friends as long as I'm with people I love. You feel me? Oh wow, this post is not going the way I wanted it to. 

Switch lanes. 

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was this new sort of 'thing' that not caring about things and being apathetic towards life in general is cool. Apathy is basically just being in a state of indifference. Which is okay for some things, but this overarching feeling of apathy towards life is what I am focusing on here.

Much like how Mrs. Poehler says above, this scares the shit out of me sometimes even though, granted, most of the time it is just an act or a front people are putting up to avoid getting hurt in one way or another. For some reason, these days, caring about something too much can be seen as a nerdy/naive/stupid/uncool/etc. And because of that, I feel like most people tend to take an apathetic approach to things at least until how they see how other people react. I know I do this, I have a tendency to act like nothing phases me and if someone does something intentionally to make fun of me or hurt me, I just laugh it off or pretend like I don't care. When I do. Usually a lot. 

This sort of approach to life has infected everything, I feel. However some people are immune to it I suppose. I still know some people who are brave enough to say and do and feel however they want and they let people know about it. They live for and in their emotions at all time and let them free. I wish I was more like this and from this point onwards it is one of my goals to do so. 

I think this more emotion centered and focused approach to the world is a way to be more happy, you know? Sad too, I suppose. But you can't have the good without the bad. It will make the happys more happy and the sads more sad maybe but isn't that how life is supposed to be? That's passion. And passion is the key to anything you do in life, that I wholeheartedly know. 

Take Taylor Swift for an example. A lot of people hate on her for writing about her boys and her emotions but I mean c'mon people. You are only endorsing this culture of practiced apathy. At least she has emotions and she recognizes them and channels them and expresses them. The people hating on her for doing so are most likely the ones who bottle all their emotion and practice apathy in every aspect of their lives. But is that really life? How can life be meaningful or happy if you don't care about it? I think it is absolutely beautiful and amazing that she can write multiple albums about how intense and complex and ever present and ever chaining her emotions are. I want to be like that. 

I want to be passionate. About things and ideas and people. I want to scream out to the world the things that I love. And not care what they think. Be happy, be free, be passionate. 

Hmm, not really sure this post went where I wanted it to but hey that's writing for ya. 

Hope ya liked it and got the point? 

Love from, 

Today, we had family Christmas and when one of my relatives asked about the marks on my wrist my father took the liberty to just tell them it was 'just an allergy'.

The worst part is he is not even doing it to avoid that awkward 'we semi know whats going on here' judgey moment. 

I really just think he has no idea. 

Love you all so incredibly much,