No Light, No Light ;;

Finn looked down at his shirt when a button popped off. “I had one good shirt and it looks like I shrunk it.” He pouted, “Maybe I can still go to Mass like this.”

“Take it off, Bleu. You can wear mine. Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

”Can you handle it for me”, Declan said – well, pleaded. He had never wanted Nolan’s job to have anything to do with their relationship. Nolan should get to leave work at the office and come home to his husband. He definitely shouldn’t have to see how his husband’s case played out from up close – but it would be so much easier to Declan. He didn’t want to deal with cops and evidence and giving out statements. Nolan ordered some poor bastard to stand outside his hospital room when he had the car accident, Nolan could swing this for him. It’d be so much easier, and with someone else Declan would talk himself out of it so fast. It’d just be way too straining and he didn’t want to pour this out to some stranger. His anxiety would make him not do it, because it even made sense. Pressing charges wouldn’t even do anything. If Roman could be put into jail, he’d be in jail.

Declan wasn’t even sure if Nolan would do anything for him. If he even came out of some responsibility – they were calling him from a hospital, someone should come get him. Or if it was just a gut reaction for him to run to his injured husband. If he even wanted to be there.

Declan shook away tears trying to push themselves out of his eyes and cleared his throat. He definitely didn’t have the energy to start bawling now.

“Yeah, no. Legs are fine. I just… feel a little dizzy”, Declan mumbled, pushing himself up from the bed anyway. Gripping onto his husband’s arm, Declan felt vulnerable enough and he for sure wasn’t going to be passing out on him. He was fragile and injured enough, Nolan didn’t need to see him actually unconscious, and he might not get out of the hospital after that. They had wheeled him out of the hospital in a wheelchair after the car accident, because hospital policy but this time he might actually need it.

“Just take me home. Then you can go back to work. You’re – you’re not watching me sleep.”

“I’ll handle everything. I don’t want you thinking you’re gonna do this alone. I promise I wouldn’t leave you. I’m not abandoning you again,” he nodded softly as he helped Declan to his feet. “Easy. Don’t wear yourself out. We’ll get you a wheelchair and I’ll take you home as soon as I sign you out.” Nolan pressed another kiss into his husband’s cheek before quickly leaving and returning with what he left to get. “No way. I’m taking the rest of the day off and I’m gonna nurse you back to health myself. Brat,” he teased, pulling out his phone. “I’ll get the nurse to wheel you out. I need to make sure everything’s covered at the place we were just at. A drug raid. We’ve been working on this case for months and finally tracked down everyone from the traffickers to the makers.” He gave a prideful grin before letting it fall. “Sorry. Probably not the best time. I’ll be quick.”

”He couldn’t. There were people around”, Declan said. He was waiting for his body to react in shock and fear to being pointed out the worst outcome so bluntly, but it didn’t happen. He already knew it, and Nolan knew it. Roman could, and would have killed him. He still might if he’d ever get him alone and out of sight somewhere. There was no question about it, Declan had been lucky to leave that situation conscious – barely conscious, but he was conscious, and Roman only left him like that because there were witnesses. Way too many witnesses, Roman couldn’t kill them all. The only question about it would have been if Roman was carrying a gun or if he would have just slammed his head into the pavement until there was nothing left of it.

“Nolan”, Declan said, he didn’t even know where his body got the energy to flinch but it did. He was uncomfortable. That was why he didn’t come home to Nolan when he got raped – obviously, he now should have gone to literally anyone else but Roman, but it still wouldn’t have been Nolan. And not just because he didn’t want him to see him bruised and bloody like that. Nolan couldn’t handle him being hurt. Nolan was overprotective, he was insanely overprotective and it came out aggressive and hostile. Declan would have been way too sensitive to be able to tell who all the hostility was directed at.

“I don’t want you going after him”, he mumbled. Declan was slightly worried that that would come out in him still harbouring some kind of comradery for Roman – he didn’t, this would definitely knock all of that out of his system. He wasn’t going to pretend it wasn’t Roman, they both knew it was Roman. And Roman was dangerous.

“Couple broken ribs. I got stitches. To the head. Four. I think. Or six. I can’t remember”, Declan frowned. He couldn’t remember and trying to hurt his head. “My head hurts. I wanna go home. Baby, I wanna press charges.”

“That psychopath belongs in jail. You bet your ass we’re pressing charges,” he retorted angrily, his hands gently taking his jaw to look over him. He gave a saddened look at the forming bruises and he smoothed a soothing hand over his hair. What was this guy’s problem? Why should he get to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants? What made him so special to avoid jail-time and keep murdering people? Nolan had had enough of this. He was an officer of the law for a reason. To put away people like this. Why was he so afraid of him when he’d dealt with murderers and the like in the past? He wasn’t afraid of him. He had no reason to be--- but he did fear for his family.

It was a very real situation that could’ve been dropped on them at any moment. A very real danger that hung around their necks like nooses. If he knew Roman at all, this wasn’t the end. This was cause enough to finish them off and it was a warning. He could’ve very well killed Declan given the appropriate opportunity. Nolan couldn’t bring himself to imagine standing over his husband’s corpse.

“Shh,” Nolan hushed him, running a gentle hand over his forehead before giving it a few kisses. “I’m taking you home. I’m not leaving you here. Asshole could turn up any minute.” With that, Nolan held out his hand. “Can you walk? He didn’t break one of your legs did he?” His gaze shifted to the other’s in concern. “I’m sorry,” he said after a moment, frowning. “You don’t deserve any of this. But we’re going to do what’s right and put his ass in jail. Someone’s gotta stand up to him.”

His head felt horrible. Painful and heavy. It felt worse than it did after the car accident – Declan wasn’t sure if this was just adding to that brain injury, there wasn’t that long between the two concussions, that couldn’t be a good thing. Maybe the reaction would be stronger this time. Maybe the drugs had been heavier then because his injuries were more severe – there was a concussion and bruising and cuts and broken and bruised bones, he seriously fucked up his wrist then.

Maybe it was psychological. It was all in his head. The car accident was an accident. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it couldn’t be stopped, no one did anything to him. Now someone did. Roman assaulted him, he was hurt and terrified. His fear and anxiety snowballed and maybe it came out in physical pain. This felt worse, because in his head it was worse.

The injuries weren’t that bad, really. His forehead was scratched, probably from the pavement while Roman was kicking him. Declan couldn’t really remember, he just remembered not being able to breathe because Roman’s boot was digging into his ribs over and over again. Roman was nice enough to leave his face alone, but his torso was black and blue everywhere. The head wound took a few stitches, but it came out clean and almost unnoticeable once they got him patched up.

Of course, Declan understood very little of everything they were explaining to him – he was medicated, exhausted and everything was blurry. People moved way too fast and their talk was all muddled. He didn’t understand anything but that he wanted his husband there. Nolan’s face would be the clearest thing in the room to him – and it really was, to the point that it took him a minute to realize he was in uniform.

“I pulled you out of work. I’m sorry”, Declan mumbled, burying his terribly sore head into his husband’s shoulder. He hadn’t really thought that Nolan couldn’t, or wouldn’t come. It wasn’t an option. Declan wanted his husband.

“No, it’s fine,” he said after a moment, pulling him closer before pulling back to look at him. “I’m just glad you’re not dead.” It was unfiltered and maybe he needed to be straightforward. Everything was so fucked up and his husband was hurt because of that psychopath. Nolan bit his tongue and he pressed a kiss against the other’s forehead.

“I’m gonna kill him. I’m actually going to rip out his throat--- with my teeth.” His adrenaline was still pumping and if it wasn’t for the current state of Declan, he would be out of there, hunting down Roman. Nolan needed some semblance of sanity and that only happened when he was around Declan. He huffed, shaking his head disdainfully before glancing over to the door, then back.

“What’s the verdict? Are you okay to come home or are they keeping you here to run some more tests? ‘Cause I can drive us home right now if you want me to. I’ll take the rest of the day off work and I can keep an eye on you myself.”

The call came in the middle of a raid and the third time his phone rang, he picked up as people were being arrested. Smiling and laughing amongst his coworkers, he strut out of the warehouse before his face dropped and his phone nearly followed suit. There was no time for explanations and no time to make any rational decisions. Hanging up, he ran to the nearest cruiser before ripping out of the yard sirens blaring as he drove towards the hospital.

His adrenaline pounded through him and he needed to focus on calming down before seeing Declan, but all he could think about who was responsible for hurting him. He knew who it was and Declan couldn’t stop him from ripping his throat out with his teeth. Still clad in his uniform complete with a bullet proof vest and utility belt, he strut into the room, concern written all over his face before walking straight over to his husband and pulling him into an embrace.

[ @declananderson ]

“Nolan –”, Declan started before pressing his lips into a thin line. He wasn’t sure where he was even going with this, and Nolan needed to get to vent. Part of him got upset when Nolan pushed him away, but a much, much stronger part of him got it. They didn’t just have sex once and everything was okay. They couldn’t fix it by fucking. It got them close, they were under each other’s skin again but it wasn’t it, and Declan hadn’t thought it would. He couldn’t dare make that assumption.

There were still a lot of unresolved feelings and things for them to talk about. Declan wasn’t sure if now was the time to talk about it, but he wasn’t going to make Nolan stop. He was throwing everything at him in a massive monologue and it was overwhelming, but Declan saw Nolan needed to get it out. He was holding that in for days, weeks, months.

Declan slowly reached for him, gently taking his hand to hold.

“You’re nothing like Roman. Don’t even compare yourself to him again”, he said, finding some strength to his voice. Nolan was spewing a lot at him, but that one hurt more than anything. “You didn’t do anything. I did. Your whore of a husband cheated on you. I cheated on you. You were hurt and you thought you were doing what you needed to do for you”, he said. It had hurt, but Declan couldn’t hold it against Nolan. Nolan covered and hid from his feelings, because he was hurt. Yes, he could have just gotten an apartment in fucking Malibu instead of running to Seattle, but it was done.

“Baby, I have been cutting myself since I was fifteen. I have urges all the time and it’s never your fault”, Declan said. The sad truth was that he probably would have done it anyway. Maybe it could have been just that one time, because Nolan would hold him through it when he had urges again but that wasn’t the point. “I don’t need you to be better, or do better. You’re already perfect and I love you. Just be here with me.”

Nolan shook his head gently again, averting his gaze before he stepped forward and willingly melted into Declan’s embrace. His head buried itself into his chest and he instinctively wrapped his arms around his husband’s waist as he sniffled back any remaining tears. He was exhausted from the emotional outburst, but he was more so relieved when he finally got what he wanted off his chest. Things would get better. He knew that. They knew that. Be it a week or a year--- things would be better and all of this would be behind them. Sighing softly, he tightened his embrace as he breathed him in. 

“I just never wanted you to go through it alone,” he muttered, nuzzling closer. “I can’t make you promise it’s not gonna happen again--- but I don’t want you to think you’re alone through this. We can get you into therapy and take this one step at a time. We’ll take us one step at a time and go to couple’s counselling to start communicating better. Things like this take time, but I’m a patient, patient man and I’m willing to take these steps for you. For us.”

Declan felt like his heart was about to leap out of his chest, Nolan could probably even hear how hard it was beating. Despite the physicality of what they just went through, it was more nerves than that. Declan didn’t like talking about this – not about why he did it or how often he had and how he needed to quit. It was a gut reaction for him, he got defensive and refused to talk about. He didn’t know how to explain it, because no one ever understood anyway. The cutting helped – it was fucked up and Declan didn’t want to do it, but it helped.

However, Nolan didn’t say anything. He didn’t push on it. He cried and fell to the floor.

“Hey –“, Declan had started, shifting his weight to get up off the bed before freezing to a stop as he started to hesitate. Declan had thought that giving Nolan time and space was the right thing to do. He had let him move to Seattle, because he was trying to do the right thing. Nolan needed space, he should get it. Giving him space didn’t fix anything, though – shoving himself back into Nolan’s life seemed to help. He showed up at his house and eventually Nolan let him in. Declan kept showing up and he ended up back in his husband’s bed. At his side where he belonged.

That thought never went anywhere though. Declan was extremely careful about crossing boundaries, and now he wasn’t sure if Nolan needed space.

Declan sighed and got himself into some clothing before coming forward to hug him. He could not not watch him cry and this was the only way he knew how to comfort him. He pulled him to his chest, his fingers dipping into his hair and he’d held him there. Safe and warm in his arms, that was where he belonged.

“This isn’t your fault.”

Despite the much needed close proximity to his husband, he still didn’t know if it was what he wanted. Of course it was his fault. Nolan did this to the only man he loved and now he was the one being comforted. He weakly tried pushing Declan away as he shook his head, but he wanted him to stay. He wanted everything to be back to the way it was. Before all this shit happened and before he’d lost his fucking mind. Nolan continued sobbing, clutching yet pulling away from the other. His hands shook and his breathing was uneven--- and he needed his medication. Finally, he shoved Declan off before pulling himself to his feet. 

“Stop!” He held out his shaky hands, his head hung low as his body threatened to push him to his knees again. “I need to apologise because if I don’t, I’m gonna lose my fucking mind all over again.” He’d found the strength to string those words together. “I’m not looking for forgiveness or pity, Declan. I just--- I need you to understand that I’m--- I’m sorry. For everything I did to you. I put things on or in front of you when this started going to shit because I was scared of myself. I--I shut down everything because I was scared of what I’d do to myself. I shut you and everyone else out for months because I was afraid to hurt--- but I was so selfish a-and stupid. I almost lost you forever because I wanted to look out for myself.” Nolan shook his head, pulling on a shirt before glancing back at him.

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Nolan sighed, sitting up in the bed to pull his underwear back on. He was used to pulling Declan so close none of them knew where the other began and the other ended, but Nolan’s emotions were still flooding back and he needed to take his medication before things got out of hand. He sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, head hung slightly as he thought about Joe for a moment. Roman had driven his brother to harm himself and inevitably take his own life. How different was Nolan to Roman, really? Nolan had driven Declan to do it. How long before Nolan would push Declan over the edge with his mood swings and psychosomatic manipulative behaviour? Nolan had always been a ticking time bomb--- just waiting for the day his actions while on duty would come back to haunt him. His PTSD lasted for months, even with regular therapy and medication. He was haunted by his past--- and karma was finally there to throw him from the edge again.

Nolan didn’t say anything for awhile. His thoughts were erratic and random and uncontrolled. He’d spent so long building these walls for this specific reason. So he couldn’t feel a damn thing, but here Declan was---pulling it out of him again. His eyes stung and his heart dropped. He’d been blaming Declan for everything. It wasn’t his fault. Nolan wasn’t stable. Everything came crashing in and he hid his face in his hands as heavy sobs and a rush of tears came. Sliding off the bed, he sat on the ground, letting everything hit him at once just to get it over with. Declan didn’t deserve this. Shutting him out was such a stupid thing of him to do. This was stupid. He was stupid.

“I’m s-sorry,” he tried to compose himself enough to properly apologise, but to no avail. 

Nolan curled his lips against his teeth. The need to come becoming more present as the words left Declan’s mouth. His pace increased at a bruising pace as his climax neared. Reaching up to grab Declan by his throat, he let out a ragged moan before he found himself coming deep inside of his husband. Resting his head on his shoulder, he continued thrusting, riding out his orgasm before it became too much and he had slowed to a stop. Letting go of Declan’s throat, he slid appreciative hands down his long body before slowly pulling out. 

“Turn over,” he demanded gently, kissing his shoulder and the back of his neck. The bandages caught his attention at the very beginning and he instinctively ran a concerned, but gentle hand down the other’s arm. He closed his eyes. Guilt flowed into him and he laid down, pulling Declan close to him. He didn’t say anything. He just held him as he smoothed his hair down with his free hand.

“Good boy,” he smiled, bringing his teeth back down to suck a bruise into his neck. The pace was still not enough, and his balls were heavy for release, but he wanted to be in this forever moment. Beautiful moans coming from the other while they ruined the bed sheets below them. No one else but them in their enclosed little world. 

Nolan almost found it endearing how sweet Declan could be when he was so headstrong around others. It was a teasing kind of sweet, but it was one that wasn’t too stuffy. They were so in love. Even through all this shit they’d been going through. They were still madly into each other. Nolan’s hand trailed after Declan’s, laying his over the other’s before lacing their fingers together. His pace slowed out of spite, but he was still slamming his hips against the other. Moving his lips over his neck, he continued sucking bruises into Declan’s beautiful skin. 

Nolan moaned, stilling a hand on the small of Declan’s back to stop him from moving. He took a moment, frozen in time as he admired his husband from this angle. He was so beautiful and he knew he’d miss this. He knew the moment their lips touched, he’d give in and beg for Declan back on his knees. The attraction never went anywhere, and he was still so madly in love with him. Sighing softly, he sunk in and back out a few more times at an achingly slow pace. 

Nolan wasn’t exactly patient, but he was also simultaneously the most patient man in certain situations. His hand moved back down to grab Declan’s hip in a bruising grip as he picked up his pace. The sweet, heavy heat of his husband’s hole had driven Nolan to the edge plenty of times before--- but this was new. This was complete control over both of them and it felt so good. His other grip tightened around Declan’s interlocked forearms as he thrust softly into the man below him--- and he smiled.

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“You’ve always had the biggest boner for Italy”, Declan said. He felt relaxed and relieved - Nolan’s hands were everywhere and Declan didn’t mind it. He liked being touched. Nolan knew his body so well and he knew him.

“I took a new one. A mastiff. I gotta bring her over sometime”, Declan said, his focus had completely shifted to greeting the dogs. He missed the buzz of them running around in his feet - his parents’ dogs added to his got up to six, but it still didn’t feel the same. He was at home with Nolan and the dogs belonged there.

It was a little bit of a stab at it too, that there would be a next time. This wasn’t just the wine and exhaustion talking. Nolan’s lips didn’t completely silence the voice in Declan’s head, he could only ignore it thanks to the touch, but the fact remained that they never actually had break up sex.

Declan gasped while his head tipped back. His nerves were still a factor, he definitely needed more neck kisses to relax. “I knew that’s what you really meant by being hungry.”

“Maybe that says something about me,” he hummed. “I am from New Jersey.” His hands continued to explore, one going to wrap around his waist and pull him closer while the other simply rested on his hip. “Mastiff? Those are some pretty big dogs. I’ve been thinking of doing another rescue, but I know if I go, I might just end up buying the shelter.” His lips continued to press themselves gently against Declan’s neck. Chuckling, he pulled him impossibly closer. “I’m three different types of hungry right now. Don’t judge.”

“Of course you are”, Declan said, shaking his head. He could get himself in the state where he could only see, hear, smell and feel Nolan, they’d be so completely lost in each other everything else vanished, but Declan knew all of that could go away in a blink of an eye. They weren’t actually talking about how they were proceeding from here on out and they weren’t talking about all the crap that happened over the months that they were apart. From Nolan having to put up with his huge English mastiff now to the fact that Declan’s arms didn’t itch for the first time in days. He’d have to be really careful, it’d be nothing but long sleeves for now.

“I’m not losing you again”, Declan said, his hands pressing into the small of the other’s back to hold him close. “I can get extensions.”

“It’s in the genes. Can’t get enough Italian. Romeo’s been supplying some really good food, too.” His hands fell from the other’s neck and began running over every inch of visible skin. His eyes felt heavy, but it was a good sign to him. He could finally rest. Hearing the soft whimpering of the dogs on the other side of the door, he smiled softly before letting go of Declan to let them in. “They miss their brothers and sister, but I’m sure they missed you more.” Opening the door, he watched them bound in to greet Declan, tails wagging. “I missed you,” he said softly. Approaching him again, he laughed quietly. He still couldn’t keep his hands off of him, even with all the company. Grabbing him and pulling him closer, his breath ghosted the other’s neck as his other hand went South. “You gonna show me how much you missed me, baby?”

“We can order food”, Declan said softly. He was actually getting butterflies. Everything sounded like Nolan was letting him stay over. For dinner or overnight, it didn’t matter, Declan would take every second he could get.

“You have every right to be”, Declan mumbled. He didn’t need Nolan to downplay it, and he didn’t even want him to. Nolan felt betrayed and angry. He got to be pissed off. “You can keep punishing me for it forever. Just take me back. I miss you all the time.”

Even with the butterflies and the sense of warmth and closeness spreading everywhere, Declan couldn’t completely relax. His head wouldn’t trust that they could just slip back into teasing, laughing and flirting. It could still blow up on his face.

“Are you trying to get me to think about work right now? I just want my night with you now.”

“Good. I’m still thinking Italian,” he nodded. His hand went to the back of Declan’s head as a gentle smile swept over his lips. “What would I do without you?” Nolan enjoyed the closeness. Just being there, in that forever moment with the only person he’d truly love--- it felt normal. Chuckling softly, he shook his head before pressing another kiss against his lips. “Just reminding you of a promise we made to each other.” His voice was soft--- even with everything that happened and the world basically falling apart around them--- he was only tender to him. Running his fingers through his hair, he cocked his head curiously. “You get a haircut?”

“I’ll call mom”, Declan nodded. It was the smartest thing to do - Declan had felt kind of guilty about dragging Daisy to London in the first place, but it was the best place for her to be. His mother loved her, she didn’t mind taking care of her granddaughter - and she had been doing a lot of the taking care of over the past few months. Most importantly, Roman wasn’t there.

“She’s safe. We’ll figure it out”, Declan said softly while watching Nolan’s fingers. They were a lot stronger together and they both loved Daisy to death. They’d figure it out. But not now. This day was exhausting and watching Nolan was heartbreaking. He was exhausted - Declan wasn’t sure if it was the intensity of tonight that was wiping him out or if he was always like that. It was worrying either way.

“Tonight’s just… you get what ever you want. Relax, sleep, eat, get a blowjob under the table while you eat. I can go home too.”

“Well, seeing as I burnt the food and the other options sound very tempting--- I am still hungry,” he murmured against the other as his forehead touched the other’s cheek. Closing his eyes, his arms wrapped themselves around Declan’s neck and he slowly breathed him in again. “Y’know--- I can’t really even be angry with you. You’re so beautiful. Someone would have to be crazy not to want you all to themselves. I’m just a little pissed off it was Roman,” he admitted with a soft chuckle. “It was a mistake, I get it, but that mistake can’t happen again. For me, okay?” Pulling him closer, he pressed tender kisses against the underside of his jaw. Blindly tracing the other’s tattoo on the back of his neck, he smiled softly. “Now--- about that tattoo appointment we talked about along with the Hong Kong trip and that dinner,” Nolan moved down to his neck, nipping at the sensitive skin before coming back up to give him an innocent peck on the cheek. “Which one am I getting first?”

His shoulders lowered as he finally relaxed - Declan wasn’t even sure how long he had been holding in tension, but it was finally letting go. Nolan smiled at him. Declan wasn’t expecting, and wouldn’t think it was possible for them to just slip back into old ways, but Nolan was joking and laughing and swearing his love for him.

Declan already missed Nolan’s touch when he moved to save the food and clean up, but he was also appreciating the moment to breathe. They went through really intense emotions in a really short period of time and it was intense. That was why their fights were so ugly. They were insanely stubborn and passionate people with really intense emotions for each other. It didn’t come out pretty.

“Well, mom’s not gonna be able to bring her over anyway for a few days. Dad’s still in Shanghai for work until tomorrow and they both wanna come”, Declan said, shrugging his shoulders. It was the only answer he got - aside from I don’t know, which didn’t help anything. At the same time, it was dawning to him that Nolan didn’t even know Daisy was with his parents in London. Of course he didn’t. Declan should have told him that.

“I can call her and tell her not to even bring Daisy while we figure it out.”

Nolan had a strong feeling that Daisy hadn’t come with Declan to Seattle. It was pretty self-explanatory that she was better off not getting in the middle of the divorce and better off not seeing her father like this. At least Nolan knew she was being taken care of by his in-laws. He couldn’t begin to imagine what Declan went through while he was gone, and he hoped he wouldn’t have to find out. Cleaning up the rest of the glass, he set the items in the trash before glancing back to his husband on the other side of the room.

“She’s not to return to America until we know it’s safe.” His decision was immediately set in stone and he walked over to him for reassurance. “He needs to be put behind bars or given a serious psychoanalysis. A guy like that shouldn’t be roaming the streets or have children. He needs to be arrested.” Nolan took Declan’s hand in his, tracing his tattoo with his other hand. “Lori’s a good mother. She could take care of the twins on her own. I don’t know,” he finally breathed out, defeated. “I don’t know. I can’t think straight. I haven’t exactly slept right since--- LA. Just--- yeah. Tell them to keep Daisy out of Seattle until we know our next course of action.”