No Kiddding

“Spoken like a single person without kids.”

I hadn’t heard that in a while. In fact, while the person who said it used to make comments like that all the time, he hadn’t in years. I’ll admit, it threw me off and I was pretty pissed.

Having kids doesn’t make your life more important than mine and it certainly doesn’t make you better. We all make our choices and we live our lives the way we want to. There isn’t a right or wrong way.

I think what gets me fired up about this is there’s always been an insecurity there for me. As I’ve mentioned before, choosing to not have kids has meant years of having to explain it. Years of people telling me I’d change my mind or that I had to have kids. Having to defend something that shouldn’t have to be defended weighs on you and when someone tries to make you feel as if your life isn’t as evolved or is less, yeah, it bothers you.

To be fair, sometimes I think my friends can be a bit envious of the life I lead. I don’t mean they want to be single and in their mid-30’s, but there is an element of freedom they no longer have. If I want to go somewhere, I do it. If I want to sleep in, I do it. My life is still dictated by me and as a result, I am doing all of the things they like they do but can’t.

The point I’m trying to make is that while I get defensive, I forget there are two sides. Yes, those comments are somewhat hurtful but perhaps they aren’t about me at all.

What’s the difference why I’m out of work?”

I was having a conversation with a few of my girlfriends when the conversation turned to sabbaticals. A number of companies offer them after a certain amount of time at an organization but for one of the girls, the owner of her company didn’t believe that people should get a sabbatical in addition to existing vacation. Why should they be out of office an extra month?

As we all provided perspectives, the conversation came up around maternity leave. A woman who has a child can be out of work for three months in addition to her regular vacation. Does this punish the women who don’t have children?

As I brought this conversation up to my boss, his response was, “well, it’s different”. Of course, it is, and this isn’t to say I don’t believe in maternity leave. In fact, I think maternity leave in the US is an absolute joke and women deserve a hell of a lot better. But when I started breaking it down, the way we treat those with children is much different than the way we treat those without.

Consider those who leave early. Those who leave early to watch their kid’s little league game aren’t questioned while those who leave early without an excuse are judged.

Need to work from home because your kid is sick? No problem. Need to work from home because you are sick? Well, unless you’re really sick, you should be in the office or else take a sick day.

I just returned from a trip to Australia where nearly every person I talked to mentioned a 4-6 week holiday they had taken, were about to take, or had planned. Why? Because in other countries, vacation is looked at much differently. Here, taking time off is often frowned upon, and a result, the average American takes 16.5 days in total and 55% don’t even use all the time they have.

As a single woman, 15 years into my career and at a very flexible workplace, I take much more time than the average person. But that still only amounts to ~25 days each year. Even with that, I feel guilty. I feel guilty if I work from home or if I need to leave early. I make an effort to stay at work even when I don’t feel great or make sure I am present at key events. Only last year did I start not answering emails when I was on vacation.

Admittedly, I get frustrated when I see those with kids continuously leaving early, working from home, or shortening their work schedules. We are expected to work the same schedule so why are those without kids judged so differently?

“Are you going? I don’t have an excuse, I just don’t want to go.”

Oh, the joys of a baby shower. We eat some food, play a game or two, and watch you open countless presents that all start to look the same after a while. Yes, that dress is cute. So were the 10 others you already opened.

Look, I will always support my friends. I will come to your engagement party and your wedding shower. I will travel across the country for your wedding and when you announce you’re having your first baby, I will be at that shower too. I’ll buy you that dress and play those stupid games. And when you have that baby, I will be one of the first people to visit and your kids will know who I am.

But do you know what I will not do? I will not attend your second baby shower. You do not get a second baby shower.

A few weeks ago, a friend texted to ask if I was going to attend the “sprinkle” for another of our friends. Yes, a sprinkle. A smaller party that isn’t quite the same thing as a shower but in this case, still included a full registry and a half of my Saturday. Um…what?

I RSVP’d no. I didn’t make an excuse and I will not be sending a present. When the baby is born, I will come visit. I will bring her a present and I will bring you wine. Because that is how it works after baby number one.

Does that make me a bad friend? I don’t think so. As I’ve gotten older, I have stopped feeling bad about saying no to these. We have limited time in our weeks and we have to choose what matters to us.

I travel. A lot. Last year I took over 30 flights, visiting 20+ cities and 3 different countries. That doesn’t include road trips.

Growing up in a small town, I knew there was more out there. Each year we took small family trips to places like Hershey Park, the Jersey Shore, and the Adirondacks. They weren’t fancy trips but the goal was to explore places we had never been.

I was hooked.

I’m not going to get into the merits of travel or the benefits it has on individuals and the world as a whole - there are plenty of blogs out there for that. For me however, travel has always been something I’ve loved doing and in turn, something I’ve made a priority in my life.

Not everyone sees it that way. People see my travels and tell me how lucky I am. Yes, I am certainly lucky. I never go a single day without realizing how fortunate I am to live the life I have. But simply travelling doesn’t make me lucky.

Yesterday at work, I was talking about how I am looking forward to spending my summer doing some travelling. The response I received – that must be nice.

You know what? It is nice!

I have chosen to create a life for myself that lets me travel. I have chosen to create a life for myself where I am responsible for me. I have also chosen to surround myself with people who can do the same. It sure is nice.

Now, to be fair, that person wasn’t trying to be a jerk. They have a family and just taking off to Australia for two weeks isn’t feasible. That however is the life they chose.

My response?

Over the past 12 years or so I’ve been dealing with issues stemming from HPV. While most everyone will have HPV at some point in their life, it usually goes away. Except for me. I am part of the lucky 4% of people who experience chronic issues throughout their life.

For me this means frequent OBGYN visits, colposcopies, lab tests, and one LEEP procedure. Essentially, it’s a lot of poking and prodding a few times a year.

To be honest, it’s never really bothered me. I’ll have normal results for a few years and then abnormal results the next. It’s become a part of my life and I make sure that I attend my appointments and report anything abnormal. The key for me has always been keep a close eye on it and better safe than sorry.

During my most recent appointment however, my tests once again came back abnormal and the cells were a bit further along than they previously had been. When the doctor recommended another LEEP, I was pretty upset. After all, how many times will I need to go through this?

And then it hit me…why not just take care of the issue once and for all?

I’ve thought a lot about hysterectomies over the years. My mom has had issues throughout her life and our family has a history of cancer so it’s something we’ve both discussed.

But what’s also interesting is that I’ve often wondered if my desire to not have kids would be different if I simply couldn’t. Would I suddenly change my mind?

As I’ve thought more about this, I realized that not being able to have children doesn’t make me upset. It doesn’t make me sad. It doesn’t make me question my life.

When I think about not seeing the doctor every three months or not worrying about cervical cancer, it just makes me feel relieved.

On top of that, it feels easier. See, I’ve talked about when to tell dates or having to explain to friends again and again that I don’t want kids. When you can’t have children, no one asks you why or can’t believe that you’ve made this decision. The decision is made for you.

“What does she having going on that night? She doesn’t have kids or a husband she has to get home to.”

I’ve had this topic on my mind for a while but when it was brought up at work the other day, it became front and center. See, the challenge of not having kids at home means you don’t have to get home. Or at least that’s the way it looks to others.

No one is relying on me to cook them dinner or teach them how to read. No one is relying on me to pick the kids up from daycare or give them a bath. No, I don’t technically have to get home for anything. Except for me.  

I enjoy my time in the evenings. I strategically plan my weeks to be able to go for a run, cook dinner, or perhaps meet a friend. Sometimes I want to get home simply because I need alone time to decompress and not think about work.

When you don’t have kids, it’s easy to fall into that trap. It’s easy to just keep working and do all the “extra” things because no, you don’t have to get home.

The problem is, it makes it really easy for work to become your life. It becomes really easy to stay a little longer, go to the event another team member can’t attend, or go home and keep working. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Last year at this time, I found myself working until 11pm every night. I worked on the weekends, took on side work, and essentially made myself miserable. It took months of introspection and finally an extended vacation to realize that just because I could work, didn’t mean I had to. My out of office time needs to be a priority.

When the comment was made around my co-worker not having kids, I made sure to bring up the point that just because a person doesn’t have kids or a partner at home, doesn’t make their time any less important.

When I was 13, my mom put me on birth control. Not because I was having sex but because I was having cramps.

Cramps so bad I would have to leave school.

Cramps so bad I would throw up in the bathroom.

Cramps so bad I was physically unable to function.

After a few occurrences of this my mom decided that was enough. She took me to the doctor where I was immediately put on a low dose birth control.

So, for 20+ years, every day, I have taken a birth control pill and have never had a cramp again.

Until yesterday.

I have been hearing about the IUD for quite some time and in the past couple years it has really gained notoriety. Two doctors have recommended it to me and a number of friends swear by it. Plus, the chances of getting pregnant when using the IUD are 1%, significantly better than the pill. On top of that, it sits in there for five years and I don’t have to think about it. Perfect for a lazy, forgetful person like myself. So, I decided to do it.

What I experienced yesterday was one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt in my life. It was as if someone was stabbing me in my insides and twisting the knife around. Thankfully it only lasted for about 10 seconds.

However, here are a few things I may or may not have yelled in those 10 seconds:

This is not pleasant.

That does not feel great.

This is why I am never having kids. I imagine this doesn’t even compare.

Look, I consider myself a fairly tough human but if getting an IUD put in causes me to yell like that, there is absolutely no chance a kid is coming out of me.

“I don’t want kids for a reason. I don’t want to clean up after them and I certainly am not trying to clean up after adults.”

I have been on a bit of a rampage this week at work and in the midst of my frustration, I find myself sounding exactly like my mom:

“Who left their dish in the sink?”

“Who left this empty box sitting here?”

“I am not your mother!”

I suppose it’s inevitable we turn into our folks but I do find it happening more and more. For me, it has a lot to do with the fact that as our company grows, we continue to hire those in their young twenties while I head toward my late thirties.

As Matthew McConaughey famously said, I get older, they stay the same age. His was just much more pervy.

It turns out that I am now the adult. I am the person that people turn to when they have questions about work and life. I am the person that is supposed to be responsible and look out for their best interests. I am someone who has life experience. Oh boy.

I mean, I knew it would happen, I just didn’t realize it would happen so quick! That’s the funny thing about age. It sneaks up on you and while you may not feel older (or in my case - act older), suddenly you are the adult.

I joke all the time I don’t want kids because I have an office full of them. I watch them find their first apartment and learn how much groceries cost. I watch them travel, get married, and start to figure out who they want to be. I watch them grow up and honestly, it’s amazing.

I am not their mother. I am not their friend. I am their boss. Seeing them learn, be successful, and gain confidence in themselves…that’s one of the best feelings there is.

“I don’t want children, but I’m not selfish”

That was the title of an article I came across on not having kids and I have to say, I absolutely adore the woman who wrote it and couldn’t feel more connected with her points. She nails the generational gap, captures the world of a mid-thirties woman without kids, and hell, she’s funny.

And while I love the article for those things, I also love it because it made me start thinking about the concept of selflessness.

If you do a search for childfree by choice, you’ll find headlines like “The choice to be child-free is admirable, not selfish” or “Talking to Meghan Daum About Selfishness, Being Childless by Choice”.

Give. Me. A. Break.

Choosing to not have children doesn’t make you selfish just as having a kid doesn’t make you selfless. I know plenty of people who have kids and are quite selfish. I also know plenty of people who had kids not because they were trying to help the world or engage in an act of selflessness but because the damn condom broke!

They were the perfect couple – each smart, funny, attractive, successful, the life of the party.  They had met through a friend, dated for years, and were married in a gorgeous Park Plaza ceremony. Their relationship was the one I longed for and the one I knew I’d emulate when the time came.

Eventually they bought a house, moved the suburbs, and had their first child. That was always the plan and it was something they both wanted.

But something changed…

My friend decided to stay at home, leaving her six-figure job and in turn, the mortgage to her husband, who was forced to get a second job to support them.

Their son became the entire focus of her world and with her husband working day and night, their relationship became non-existent. They were no longer the couple I envied and worse, they weren’t even the people I had known. Honestly, it made me mad.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened. I don’t know if they’d simply given up or if my constant “no” had just become too much. I do know that when my parents stopped asking me if I was dating anyone, I was a bit offended. What? You don’t think I can find a husband?

Well, it turns out that thus far, the answer is definitively no, but I also realized that when they stopped asking me, it was a bit of a relief. Having to answer questions about my personal life that I had no answers for was never fun.

It was a similar feeling when my parents first started acknowledging that I didn’t want kids…and when I say parents, I mean my mom.

See, like most mothers, mine wants grand kids. She loves babies and always has. When my cousins started having children, she would immediately grab them, hold them and refuse to give them back. She is a natural and me not wanting kids wasn’t something she wanted to believe.

She seems to get it now. I think in the back of her head she still thinks I’ll change my mind but at least publicly, she has come to terms with it. It also helps that my stepsister, who lives nearby, had a baby who my mom gets to see regularly and spend time with. I thank her all the time.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m bad at dating. And by bad, I mean I rarely do it. Along with not wanting kids, being a single, 35-year-old woman who doesn’t frequently date is a whole other conversation. One that I just love having.

Now, it’s not that I mind being single – in fact, part of my problem is that I don’t mind at all. I travel frequently, I have an active group of friends, and I’m comfortable being alone. But there’s another side to it and it’s this –

I don’t feel the need to settle down because my biological clock isn’t ticking.

I remember watching movies where the young protagonist, single and on the hunt for a boyfriend, would constantly be reminded by her friends and family that she was running out of time. If she wanted to have a family, she’d better find a husband, and fast.  

That’s not something that just happens in movies! My parents used to tease me about it and I have friends who are legitimately concerned about finding a husband because they want to be able to have kids while they are still young.

In fact, a friend of mine became so consumed with the idea that it became her life. Every person she dated had to be the one because she was 35. It was legitimately tough to watch. Eventually she decided to freeze her eggs just to take the pressure off. The good news is, it worked. She stopped being so caught up in having to find Mr. Right Now and was able to relax. Oh, and she found a wonderful man who she loves and bought a house with. TBD on the kids.

For those of us who aren’t interested in having kids, it’s a freeing feeling knowing that you aren’t up against mother nature. At least not when it comes to children…

“Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die!”

Not only is this one of my favorite movie quotes but what makes it hilarious is it’s basically what we are told our entire lives. If you have sex, you will get pregnant. Until you get older and want to have kids that is.

I visited a friend today who spent about three years trying to have her second child. She went through several miscarriages, endless doctor appointments, and was finally able to have a child through IVF.

A few weeks ago, I visited another friend who spent two years trying to have her first. After some help from modern medicine, they were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. 

As I’ve gotten older, it’s been utterly heartbreaking to watch my friends try to have children. Between the number of miscarriages, the process of IVF, and even the long process of adoption, it’s amazing what people are willing to go through. What’s more frustrating to me, is our entire lives we are told how easy it is to get pregnant and how cautious we need to be in having sex.

My parents had me young. Twenty-one years young to be exact. Growing up, that didn’t seem weird. I just had the “young, cool” parents and that seemed ok to me.

But times they are a changin’ and most of us are no longer having kids in our early twenties. In fact, for most of my friends, they are not having kids in their twenties at all. Many are 30, 33, 35, or even 40. It’s pretty amazing and the changes in both societal norms and technology have made this possible. Air high five.

Anyway, I digress. See, my parents were in their early twenties and despite having two kids, they still wanted to go and do things that people in their young twenties did. So, they did!

We grew up with a lot of weekend baby-sitters. Sometimes it was a cousin, other times it was a neighbor, and in some cases, it was just a person referred to them by a friend. For a few bucks, the kids could stay home safely and the parents could go out and enjoy themselves. Seems like a good plan to me.

Whenever I hear a woman say she doesn’t have any female friends, I want to tell her that’s her issue. Because as much we hear things like women don’t support each other, women are hard to be friends with, women are mean…it’s a bunch of bull shit.

You just haven’t found the right women.

Which is really the case with anyone. We aren’t made to be friends with every person we meet but that doesn’t mean an entire gender is impossible to get along with. It means that the people you are currently hanging out with, who are mean, or unsupportive - those are not the people you should be around.

Anyway, that’s not really the point of this. The point is that I have several groups of supportive women in my life who not only make me a better person but give me confidence, hope, and just genuinely make life better. I love them.

However, while they are supportive and encouraging, even they can be flummoxed by the fact I don’t want kids. Take for example what happened last weekend:

I remember the first (and last) time I ever drove a car after drinking like it was yesterday. It was my first weekend home after freshman year of college and my friends were all getting together. Of course, that meant drinking, acting like idiots and telling stories of our first year away. For me, that meant telling everyone about the dreamy senior I had hooked up with the last week of school.

A baseball player, tall, muscular, and blonde, we had been flirting for weeks. And well, it was the last week of school - when would I have the chance again? So, one late night and many drinks later, we ended up back in his room. I left to go home the next day.

I should probably tell you that I’m bad at dating. I hate doing it, I’m awkward, I laugh too much, and in general, I just feel like it’s a lot of work. [Please take note, I am completely aware that these are all me issues and I am doing nothing to fix them.] As a result, I haven’t had much success in finding a husband let alone someone to go on more than three dates with.

All that being said, when I do actually date, I battle with when I should tell the person I’m not interested in having kids. Do I tell them before we even meet? Do I tell them after a couple dates? What if we really hit it off but then they find out I don’t want kids and I find out they do? That doesn’t work and now I’m bummed out.

As you can see, it’s a minor issue. The main reason being, I don’t think it’s fair to not say anything.