I like to write sometimes

i’ll be fine

it’s just like any other day

unfortunately

it’s just like any other day

when will i be done

will i be done before my body

will it finally quit on me

before i can complete this

i wanted to complete this

i used to

used to be unused

go home shampoo

do i still smell sick?

i’m living in it

it won’t come off of me

sanitize

summarize

all the things i learned

was it necessary

will i use this

it would be better not to know

what’s hurting me

when i was a kid they told me

don’t look at the needle

it’s worse when your

anticipating it

and i’m always

turned me into an odd kid

i could have been normal

if i was raised in it

i am a mirror of all thats around me

and around me is all i am

i am wasting in it

wanting for it

to grow with me

i don’t think i’m terrible as i think i am

i think i make myself that way to fit my self image

how can i change it without creating

i’m not scared i’m gonna lose

i’m scared i’m gonna win

i’m scared i’m gonna change to do it

i’m gonna play the game

how much of me can i keep

what to i have to wager away

i know i won’t stop at anything

im gonna play the game

i’ve always had a one track mind

i’m scared i’m scared

of what i’ll leave behind

please let me lose this

like the one i live in

i keep wondering if things are different

on the outside of it

is this a paradigm

of the bigger project

or could i just leave

and never look behind me again

i don’t know if i’m trapped

or if i want to stay

i can’t imagine a place

that doesn’t look the same way

my ambition is leaking

i don’t have to direct it

life will happen

i just have to let it

things are all falling into place

on their own

or they’re collapsing

without me

neither matter in the end

what will be will be

i just have to pay attention to it

i’ll keep watching

for my cue

if i don’t get it

what’s new

and i’ve tried to change my mind

my head is busy hurting

you said you wish you knew what happened

i wish you did too

flushed it out of your system with all that booze

pieces of life like that

assigning certain parts

to the trash

the things that used to make me

and the things that didn’t last

it was hard to sort out

what i had from the garbage

cause it was all covered in ash

there are lots of things

i should not have held onto

it’s spread out and there’s more space inside

for the things i want to be there

i push it out and wipe it off like sweat

it seeps out through my pores through my admissions

it becomes a smaller part of me

that tears would be unbecoming of me

unfortunately

tears would be unbecoming if me

i shut my eyes

i can not see

i brave for harsh

reality

he preaches strength

and sanity

an example that

he couldnt be

oh guide me god

i can not see

im blind to cold

reality

im blind to tears

if i cant see

im made of iron

in eternity

though rust remains

i worship me

a stuatue in

a time to be

returned to one

in front of me

and linked to cold

eternity

if silence was

what couldnt be

of all that he could

mean to me

the birth remains

an affront to me

of all i was

determined to be

if god remains

who worships me

if god remains

who worships me

im measured in

reality

if god remains

i am centered on a truth that i haven’t seen before

but i let go i let go of the steps

i was too busy running

can’t remember how it felt

and i am left with

only the thought no idea how it got there

i am left with

everything i fought to put there

the dominoes ive stacked

are lined up in front of me

im too scared to knock them over

i don’t know what i’ll see

no i don’t know what this means

the blanks i cleared for building are all loooking up at me

and the under paintings covered

by thick white acrylic sheets

though i think i see the guidelines

of what i wanted myself to be

i don’t know what it took

to make me me

and i am left with

only the thought no idea how it got there

i am left with

everything i fought to put there

bruises are on me

i don’t know what they earned

scratched from seeking out

i can’t remember what i learned

and i wish i could go back

okay?

im trying to compact a lot here

you could write essays essays

off my sentences

you could do numbers numbers

off my brain

all the things i could sustain

the one who shifts your whole world

that one line in your memoir

she was so much smarter than me

i can be your sick girl

study me did i succeed

in all that i am offering

take all that i worked for

“but alas only i could go on”

i always knew i was a case study

case study me

i always knew i was a case study

the judas goats running from the slaughter house

preach and scream through bleating mouths

judas goat running from the slaughter house

the shepard is leaving the farm

put to pasture

chipped paint on the fence

gods gardens grown over

and spoiled with harm

to late to make me take to arms

walk through their gardens don’t have to maintain them

though they take more than needed to sustain them

how can i attest to anything i don’t know how i feel

i don’t know what i saw and i don’t know how to deal

with all the things they say make me

what was i formed into and by whose hands

i’ve been falling so long it’ll hurt when i land

i’ve been falling so long i don’t what what i planned