꒰ა ♱ ໒꒱

twenty-two, devoted to my beloved any pronouns, demisexual, mori + gothic college student, eclectic witch

witch blog: @vesperynne

rules for interacting ‧ platonic interactions only (i already am with someone). ‧ dndm if you're a minor (public interacts are ok). ‧ trigger warning for ff topics... vents, mental illness, sui talk.

recently, i befriended a girl who had no friends – and yes, it's one of those, "i befriended the girl who has no friends and realized why they had no friends." i have tried to form friendships with multiple people like that, and they all have one thing in common: they don't see you as a person.

they have an idealized version of what a "friend" is but believes they don't need to put an effort in order to have that friendship. when i became this girl's friend, the first thing she did was complain to me about how she has no friends, and how everyone is too boring, too stupid, too narrow-minded, too unempathetic for her.

she was enthusiastic in becoming friends with me, and we got "close" in a short span of time. but something you can notice from the beginning is that not once has she tried to get to know me, and she's most responsive when she asks you for assignments, school announcements, etc.

before i met him, i perfectly fit the stereotype of a yandere character. especially when i got into toxic relationships, i hurt myself often, clung until my nails rip off (metaphorically), whomever i were with became the center of my world.

when you enter a healthy relationship and things become more secure, the intensity will die out a bit. at some point, a part of me wanted to start a fight because i wasn't used to being taken care of properly. i still spiralled once every week, then once a month, then once every two months, and so on. i changed myself because i knew i would break if i let this man go.

bpd symptoms also weighted incredibly less. sometimes, i forget i used to need monthly counselling for it. i still have symptoms of anxiety and depression, but it's much, much easier to handle these days. my relationship has significantly improved my wellbeing, but it led me to asking, "am i still yandere if i'm not as intense as before?"

it led me to question how i am as a partner. am i romantic? yes. am i heads-over-heels for him? absolutely. am i obsessed? not anymore... but am i utterly, completely devoted to him? huge yes.

helpppp, that's so relateable 😭 tbh i'm slowly falling out of the yanblr or irl yandere tag, and i do prefer obslove better (because apparently, some yans are not obsessive... huh), but i feel like this entire thing is generally hard to categorize in one term, so people fall back to irl yandere communities. unfortunately, the same is kind of going for me.

the (irl) yan community got most of its users from anime, and that can't be dismissed. fictional characters are not the best examples of real life relationships. plus, yandere characters also don't represent those who identifies as real life yans, so i think that's where the dilemma is coming from.

though, i've observed that the types of people who identify as yandere are typically people with high attachment needs or high (emotional? mental?) intensity—it's easier to say "i'm a yan" than elaborate on what it means to be one—but having those traits does not always guarantee having/being a decent partner. thus, you see some people calling themselves obsessive but being disloyal partners. it's a sad sight to see.

at this point, i'm starting to prefer calling myself a simp than a yan. how about you? do you still identify with the community?