*2 chainz voice* truuuuu

this is the most wholesome and entertaining mom post on tumblr

I often imagine myself topless in a tiny apartment with my hair up with someone I love

we made it

I’m in the mood for all evil energy to stay away from me now and forever

why is “go to your room” a punishment?? like yes thank you i’d love to go to my room. i’d love to be Alone

*looking at the moon* what highlighter does she use?

concept: me, a housewife, putting two lean cuisines in the microwave. i drink an entire bottle of chardonnay during the four minutes the chicken fettuccine takes to heat up. my husband walks through the door just as i place the entrée on the table. he thanks me for slaving away all day over a hot stove. i have succeed in passing the lean cuisine off as my own creation. when he’s done, i tell him im in love with our maid, helen–who bears a striking resemblance to margot robbie–and that i will see him in court. im blind drunk and jump into a 1960s pink convertible that helen is driving. we laugh about the lean cuisines.